To be a "stay-at-home wife" even if children arn't on the cards, due to chronic illness?

[Agix]

Hey all. I've been lurking this forum a while, decided to post this question today. went to create an account and already had one. Who knew!

I know this is a parenting forum, and children arn't involved, but that's kinda why I'd really like opinions from the people here. Just need some thoughts/views.

Partner and I are engaged. Jointly own a home, mortgage. We both work full time. He is the higher earner by far.

I have various chronic illness - just an ultra sickly person. I wont bore you with what manner of things exactly, but it's a mixture of physical illness, and mental illness. One is a gnarly dose of PCOS which is absolutely pants in itself, and already know I will struggle to have children. GP mentioned it could be an IVF dealio. Partner and I have decided not to go down that route... neither of us want kids enough, and how I would deal with the process with other health issues is uncertain. So, no kids.

Love, love, LOVE my job. I also really value my independence, my own income, contributing... but as time goes by, I'm getting exhausted. Job is purely from home, but very demanding and heavy in a lot of ways.

I'm only 34, but feel like my body is just breaking down now. I get up, work, try to eat something my partner has for me, sleep, repeat. Weekends, I can't do anything - I'm too worn out from the work week. Migraines, nausea, pains.. can't see family, or friends, I miss them. Once in a while, I help with chores. Barely. Partner does most things for me AND works full time demanding job. He's an angel.

We've both been worried about my health. Last 1 - 1.5yr things have definitely taken a turn for the worse. Been doctors, hospital tests, nothing extra is wrong - just same old taking it's toll. My mental health is shot, so much pain and fatigue, and no real life.

Recently, we've been starting to discuss me just quitting work. Partner wants to see me well as I can be and happy (again, an angel). Relying on partner's income - belts would be tighter, but we'd be in an alright place. I would have energy to take on chores around the home, shopping, etc at my own pace. A housewife. Me! Feminist independent me, a housewife!

...The idea makes me want to cry with relief, love my job but I am SO worn out (not performing well at work either, although they're brilliant about it, v. supportive) but I feel so guilty at the thought of not earning an income. From the outside, wouldn't it look indulgent? We'd have no fun money though, lol, so perhaps not.

AIBU to want this? Is it just a case of putting my big girl pants on until retirement age (if we get one!!!)? No kids on the cards means no reason to quit work?

Would probably see about reducing my hours before quitting entirely, to see how it goes. Just thought I'd ask about if I quit entirely to get some thoughts about the whole "stay at home" thing.

Thanks for reading this far!

Sorry you are having such a rotten time with your health, OP. I agree with others - you could look at reducing hours as a trial run first and see if that makes a difference. Having your own money coming in can be very empowering (not least for pension purposes!) and you might not want to give that up fully.

You shouldn't feel like anyone else is judging, but you might also want to think about a stock answer for the inevitable "what do you do?" question. If you did give up work and you didn't want to tell people, you could say something like career break or sabbatical etc. I'm sure you'll find your own way.

I also want to second someone else above re the PCOS. If you did want children, there are options for PCOS that are not IVF. I conceived DD using a drug called letrozole and its much less invasive. You may have already had that discussion with your doctor, but just putting it out there in case, as i didnt know about it until i specifically talked about ttc with my endocrinologist.

Good luck and hope your health improves 💐

I don’t work. Haven’t for five years. Youngest starts school soon. No intention of going back to work. Have chronic ptsd. Endless therapy.
Take a career break. How is that any different than taking time off with kids like many women do?

Part time first seems like a good way to go, or maybe looking for a position where you can WFH. But just live you life in the right way for you without giving too much thought about being judged. As long as your partner doesn’t see it as an issue neither should you. Hope you make the best decision for you and good luck :)

@Agix I’m a year older than you with EDS, MCAS, chronic migraines and an autoimmune disease. I did stop working for six years, we had a baby but he was in nursery 4 days a week as I was so ill. As time has gone on my health improved as I am on the right medication and I work 3 days a week which has done wonders for my mental health.

Not working at all and only doing chores might not be great for your sense of purpose/well-being.

I feel you, it’s hard and isolating being this chronically ill in your 30s.

I hope this doesn’t come across as insensitive but if the pcos is causing you lots of health problems and you’re accepting you’re happy to not have children would it not be worth having a hysterectomy? If it would give you a better quality of life? Or are there other health problems as well? I think my main focus would be to address my health issues (if that’s possible for you.)

If you gave up work completely then you might need to fund National Insurance contributions to ensure you get a state pension and will you be able to fund this with hopefully a pension contribution for you as well?

I would review your bills, minimise where you can and draw up a budget to see how much you need. Factor in big ticket items if relevant, home improvements, holidays, cars etc and that will at least give you a guide to see how affordable it is.

Personally I would want a good pension later on in life so would try and work part time to get this. Possibly start by asking your employer if they would let you cut down your hours to 6 a day or 4 days a week and see how that goes

I would go part time and get some help with household chores instead, so you still keep your independence and social interactions, but at the same time it will relieve you and your DP from the household chores.

If you enjoy your job, independence and have nice work colleagues, it could be worse for your mental health to quit and stay at home.

Are you getting any counseling?

Go part time.
Keep your hand in.
Keep getting out of the house and seeing people.

I'm sorry you're so unwell. I think part time would be the way to go. I feel like it's an awful lot to put on your partner to be the sole provider and I'd worry if it were me if he'd become resentful. My partner was off for some time with mental health issues. We both agreed it was best for him but although I didn't say it out loud or to anyone, if I'm honest I did resent feeling like everything was on me towards the end.

What would happen about your NI record (and hence state pension) and what about your additional/occupational pension.
What money will you use for your personal shopping/birthday presents etc.
How will you prove you have contributed to the mortgage repayments.
Being financially reliant on any man would cause me more stress than working.

I agree, go part time. Not all part time is exactly 20 hours, I work 16 hours and it’s brilliant, I used to work 12 and that was wonderful too! I have sleep/insomnia issues and it makes it so much more bearable when I know I can sleep in on my days off. I started back to work when ds was 6, I was 44 and I’m 59 now and I don’t regret it at all. The money you make can be your family fun money. Good luck to you!

Job sharing could be perfect, I work half time and it's a great balance

God this thread is depressing. The number of people who won’t pay for an ill person’s time off, would be resentful of the responsibility, wouldn’t find their partner attractive if they became disabled or had to give up work is awful.

This is too dangerous financially. Even marriage wouldn't protect you in the event of a split, spousal maintenance is very rarely given these days.

I would try and work out what balance of hours would suit you. I had a tumour that made me feel awful and have autoimmune issues too. I understand how awful it can be to feel Ill at a young age. I have found I need to work to feel valued and part of a community. It’s really important to my mental health. Having lovely work colleagues and a supportive partner is a massive plus so I think you have a lot of options on how you approach making life manageable and happy. ❤️

Very similar to yourself. I have chronic health issues and several children and haven't worked in sixteen years. Not looking very likely I will be going back.

No one should feel bad for deciding that paid employment is not for them. Life is more than just earning money ( if you have a supportive husband). Health always comes first OP.

And for the PP making hilarious remarks about exhaustion and vitamin infusions. Wouldn't it be amazing if a vitamin infusion was all that was needed for getting rid of fatigue. I would have been cured since the age of 21😂. Have suffered from fatigue all my adult life so far. Some folk have not got a clue...

It sounds like you need a break more than anything at the moment if the thought of giving up work fills you with relief. If it were me I would see if I could take some time off and then look to going part time.

There can't be that many household chores that are essential for a two adult household. If you gave up work you could probably fill your time with finding bits of chores that could be done, but I would think you'd find more value from part time work. Even if your partner still needs to pick up the slack with the chores, it can't be that much of a hardship for him with the amount that needs doing realistically. As others have mentioned, if your lack of contribution to chores is a problem then you could look at paying for a cleaner etc.

Also whatever action you decide to take isn't permanent. If you do give up work and then decide it isn't for you, you can always look into going back into another job.

I know. Very sad views others seem to have of disabilities - can't work, throw them on the scrap heap. Not worthy of being loved either. Bloody awful 🙄

Go part time, even three days a week will give you balance

You would be making yourself incredibly vulnerable with such a scewed power dynamic. Working brings in lots of benefits as well as salary, you mention mental health and losing a big part of your purpose and identify (especially if it's a job you love) could really cause a lot of harm to your mental health.
If I were in your role I would consider getting a cleaner/home support once or twice a week, along with a meal prep service for 4/5 nights a week, maybe reduce my hours to 0.75/0.8. This takes the pressure off your partner to complete all the house taskseyc but keeps your independence.

I have a friend (albeit with teenagers) who was in a similar position, hadn't worked for 15 years, no personal savings, no work experience etc and partner (not married) had an affair with someone high flying from work, 18 years younger than my friend. She has stayed because she is trapped by the power dynamic, would mean leaving her gorgeous 5 bed detached, selling her mercedes, foregoing the hair extensions and Botox and getting a minimum wage job, claiming UC. Don't expose yourself like that

When one person of a couple stops working the relationship dynamic shifts. For some couples that shift is fine, for other couples the shift creates an imbalance that doesn't go away. Personally my relationship suffered when I stopped working and is so much better now I'm working again. I hated feeling like the stay at home servant.

I agree with others, part time sounds much better.

I think you need to both be careful about the dynamics. Your partner is supportive now, but how would he feel in a year's time if he's the sole earner and you're completely dependent on him. And for how long, forever? That's a lot of pressure on him.

Reducing your hours is definitely what you need to do. If they say no, then look for an alternative part time role. It will maintain your independence and sense of identity and confidence, it will support your partner in case he ever wants to reduce hours or change jobs etc. It will also make life more comfortable, especially when it comes to remortgaging etc.

It's impossible for anyone else to tell you what's best, mainly as we don't know how your illnesses affect you. But you've got so much life left to live, sitting around the house with no job and no social life is going to be extremely boring and lonely.

They never said that they would though. Just that it's a possibility for the partner to think that way.
There are reams of threads on here about people's 'lovely' husbands doing a 360 after marriage, having an affair etc. 'not my nigel' people live a long time and can change.

Also being the sole wage earner has its own stresses, the partner could become ill, disabled or not want to work anymore. Then what?

You can never trust anybody else fully. Fair enough to take a break but unless they're a millionaire and you'll get enough to live on for life after a divorce there's a high chance of being trapped unless you think it through.

I know and I might have worded that badly and I genuinely meant no disrespect.

I have some debilitating issues at the moment which I won’t go into but I do have some insight.

I also know a few people with PCOS and they do work but gather I may have been ignorant to something there.

So I do want to apologise for any offence caused

@FoggyDew

Being with a disabled partner changes things enormously - you might not agree or like the fact that some people wouldn’t like it but that doesn’t change the fact