To be a "stay-at-home wife" even if children arn't on the cards, due to chronic illness?

[Agix]

Hey all. I've been lurking this forum a while, decided to post this question today. went to create an account and already had one. Who knew!

I know this is a parenting forum, and children arn't involved, but that's kinda why I'd really like opinions from the people here. Just need some thoughts/views.

Partner and I are engaged. Jointly own a home, mortgage. We both work full time. He is the higher earner by far.

I have various chronic illness - just an ultra sickly person. I wont bore you with what manner of things exactly, but it's a mixture of physical illness, and mental illness. One is a gnarly dose of PCOS which is absolutely pants in itself, and already know I will struggle to have children. GP mentioned it could be an IVF dealio. Partner and I have decided not to go down that route... neither of us want kids enough, and how I would deal with the process with other health issues is uncertain. So, no kids.

Love, love, LOVE my job. I also really value my independence, my own income, contributing... but as time goes by, I'm getting exhausted. Job is purely from home, but very demanding and heavy in a lot of ways.

I'm only 34, but feel like my body is just breaking down now. I get up, work, try to eat something my partner has for me, sleep, repeat. Weekends, I can't do anything - I'm too worn out from the work week. Migraines, nausea, pains.. can't see family, or friends, I miss them. Once in a while, I help with chores. Barely. Partner does most things for me AND works full time demanding job. He's an angel.

We've both been worried about my health. Last 1 - 1.5yr things have definitely taken a turn for the worse. Been doctors, hospital tests, nothing extra is wrong - just same old taking it's toll. My mental health is shot, so much pain and fatigue, and no real life.

Recently, we've been starting to discuss me just quitting work. Partner wants to see me well as I can be and happy (again, an angel). Relying on partner's income - belts would be tighter, but we'd be in an alright place. I would have energy to take on chores around the home, shopping, etc at my own pace. A housewife. Me! Feminist independent me, a housewife!

...The idea makes me want to cry with relief, love my job but I am SO worn out (not performing well at work either, although they're brilliant about it, v. supportive) but I feel so guilty at the thought of not earning an income. From the outside, wouldn't it look indulgent? We'd have no fun money though, lol, so perhaps not.

AIBU to want this? Is it just a case of putting my big girl pants on until retirement age (if we get one!!!)? No kids on the cards means no reason to quit work?

Would probably see about reducing my hours before quitting entirely, to see how it goes. Just thought I'd ask about if I quit entirely to get some thoughts about the whole "stay at home" thing.

Thanks for reading this far!

No be independent and earn your money instead of relying on others. Not fair on your partner really is it?

No matter how wonderful your relationship is now, do not fully give up your earning capacity. Drop hours in your current job, find a totally different job on part time hours.

Never fully surrender your financial independence entirely

I'm the same age and have been a housewife of sorts for a couple of years now due to a disability that makes it hard to work. I'd definetly recommend something to keep mind active, I've done various Open uni/other online courses over the years to do that

I'd keep going until after you're married then take off Wednesday each week so work.4 days a week. If you work Monday and Tuesday then you rest on Wednesday, then work Thursday and Friday rest Saturday then do something nice on Sunday. If you find 4 days a week too much then you cut back to 3 days and see how it goes, or you could try working mornings but rest in the afternoons. So work from 8am-1pm. That would give you several hours of rest each afternoon. Your money could pay for a cleaner twice a week so you would not have to work in your home. I think completely giving up your independence would put a strain on your relationship and give you low self esteem.

Sorry to derail the thread. @Twilightstarbright - I have an appt with a rheum in 3 weeks, beighton score is 6/9 and i am apparently hypbermobile at the very least but could be EDS.

Have been told I'm in the range for MCAS

What has helped you the most?

The diet for MCAS is depressing 😑

If you can afford it, who cares what your reason is for not working? My husband is perfectly healthy, we don’t have children, but he doesn’t work because we can comfortably afford for him not to work and it suits us that he takes care of the house and animals and I go to work.

I say this as someone who found themselves too sick to be able to work and though I've recovered almost entirely live with the knowledge that I may not always be able to.

If you are too sick to work, or working making you too sick to be able to live ie. complete basic acts of self-care then stop working but go on sick first, then a gradual return to work, and then part time or full time depending on your ability and your employers flexibility

This is really good advise

It's great that you are thinking about part time. I can't work full time; I become a burned- out shell. Being home full time is no good, either- it gets frustrating and depressing. Part time gives me enough recovery time but also gives me enough structure.

How long have you been with your DP? Alarm bells are ringing for me that your not married and it doesn’t sound like you’ve been together too long as you say he’s known about your health from the beginning but got worse a 1.5 year ago.

If it’s less than 5 years then everything is still fresh but it might get grating on him fast over time to care and also pay for someone else. So I would go part time or something with flexi hours so bad days you can not work and better days really get some work done

@AnotherEmma posted really good advice.

No advice from me, just an experience I wanted to share: my mother has various disabilities. Always has had. She was a stay at home mum. She was only in her early 40s when I left home, but has remained a housewife. She'd love to work, but just can't. She has had some part time jobs over the years, but never a career. Even part time work would often turn out to be too much for her to be able to do. At other times she has done volunteer work, but when her health conditions flare up, sometimes that would be too much as well.

You might find that part time working works for you, or perhaps not. You might find that there are periods where your health is better, where you can try and work part time, volunteer, or do an OU course or take evening classes. And there might be 'bad' periods where you have to give those things up again for the time being. That's nothing to be embarrassed about.

All the 'get married first (so that when you divorce, you can take half his assets)' advice leave a bad taste in my mouth. This is really why women get married and I don't blame men who delay marriage or refuse to get married.

Bar children's upkeep and any agreement made first before marriage, I don't think women should be taking anything after divorce.

But this is for another thread.

@WitheringTights000 good question. I find strength training and having a decent physio helps, I got a lot of Pilates and barre stuff to strength but not stress my joints. The MCAS is thankfully dormant at the moment but flared up hugely post partum. I have POTS too which used to be dreadful but again has improved.

I live quite a ‘boring’ life- asleep by 10, up at 6 to exercise, try to keep a healthy weight, very limited alcohol etc. But it allows me to enjoy the daytime hours with DS and DH. I also don’t power through when I get a migraine, a few hours rest can prevent days in bed.

What a bizarre, misogynistic response. I’ve never seen anyone suggest women should marry in order to benefit from an eventual divorce. I certainly have seen women being advised to marry before they negatively impact their own careers and economic self-sufficiency by having children with someone whose career is statistically less likely to be affected.

This! You're way too young to have no career at all, part time sounds good, or a different far less demanding job.

Saying that, you don't need our permission, it's your life! But if you go for it, this really rankled with me: 'A housewife. Me! Feminist independent me, a housewife!' It sounds needlessly dramatic, and like you think it's below you. Either embrace it, or don't, but don't take this attitude.

Would you say to a man?

How long have you been working there? Could you take an unpaid career break as a trial?

Yes, and that’s why I’m not sure the advice to get married is relevant in this case. I’m no family lawyer so someone more knowledgeable may correct me but I thought that getting married protects women when they give up work/curtail their careers in order to care for children - because a) children are created by two people and b) caring for children has a monetary value. But if you choose to give up work for other reasons I’m not sure why getting married would offer much protection. If you’re married to someone who decides to give up work for their own benefit (particularly if they are actually able to work, even if it’s hard) I don’t think you’re required to support them forever.

It came up on another thread I read a few months ago - I can’t recall the details but the OP was in a relationship with a man who’d given up work because of ‘ill health’ (he was taking the piss) and she wanted out, but was worried that he’d take half the house and she’d have to pay him money on a monthly basis forever. There were some knowledgeable people on that thread who told her that was very unlikely.

This.

You could consider part time, or even a career break to get on top of your health, but there is no way I would pack it all in to rely completely on a man.

And you aren't even married so would get absolutely nothing if he left you. Do you have wills in place so at least you inherit if he dies?

In a weird way it is actually nice to see other people who don't work due to illness or disability. I sometimes feel quite alone in the wilderness of MN people who always say never quit your job, some of us didn't really have a choice for a better quality of life. It has worked really well so far for me, 19 years and counting.

@Agix first, marriage not just an engagement, then reduce down to maybe 4 days with a break in the middle having Wednesday off or 3 days depending on work commitments. Bank all the money to live on just one wage and build up some savings. This may work well for you and will see if you are both okay with spending the money that comes into the house, attitudes towards it etc.

Apply for PIP but research their training so you know how they come at this, there is a lady on Tiktok who has seen their training course so knows why they ask what they do and know that every question is loaded. Very interesting, my SIL is applying for PIP at the minute, she is so poorly. https://www.tiktok.com/@adhdcareerwoman

Get a pension set up and get money automatically paid into it.

Work out how you will not go stir crazy, all of my friends bar one work, so no one is available in the day apart from maybe a quick lunch occasionally. It can be very, very lonely.

Don't forget that magic vitamin infusion that will cure all your ails. FFS. I have tried everything over the last 20 plus years. Nothing works for me, I really wish it would. Also I was told I would categorically need IVF after my surgery, as in they had been treating me for years and saw how messed up and scarred my insides were. I still got pregnant within a month. So if you definitely don't want children I would ensure you don't get pregnant.

Please please don't do this until after you are married! You will be completely destitute if you enter this arrangement and then he buggers off. You need the legal protection of marriage. If you are putting off a wedding because of your fatigue, just do the simplest option possible - you and two witnesses in the registry office.

Agree with others above saying check if you're eligible for PIP and try part time / WFH if you can. Don't underestimate the toll on your mental health from not working when you are clearly an educated bright person.

What would you do if you ever split up? That's what I'd be worried about.

I think people are being very naive if they think marriage offers much protection. Even with children, spousal maintenance is very rarely awarded these days.

Would a sabbatical from work be an option? Appreciate that's likely to be unpaid, but it could give you a set amount of time off, to make further assessments of what will be more beneficial for you in the long run.

I also have endo and PCOS, it's vile. It got me down so much, especially the pain, I literally couldn't work for days at a time. I spoke with a nutritionist in the end, and worked with her for a good 6 months to slowly change my diet to reduce inflammatory foods, but also looking overall at other areas like sleep, and exercise. I'll always have my conditions, and I resisted a lot of the change (was definitely a sugar addict) - but things are a lot better now, and I feel I have control back in managing it.