To be a "stay-at-home wife" even if children arn't on the cards, due to chronic illness?

[Agix]

Hey all. I've been lurking this forum a while, decided to post this question today. went to create an account and already had one. Who knew!

I know this is a parenting forum, and children arn't involved, but that's kinda why I'd really like opinions from the people here. Just need some thoughts/views.

Partner and I are engaged. Jointly own a home, mortgage. We both work full time. He is the higher earner by far.

I have various chronic illness - just an ultra sickly person. I wont bore you with what manner of things exactly, but it's a mixture of physical illness, and mental illness. One is a gnarly dose of PCOS which is absolutely pants in itself, and already know I will struggle to have children. GP mentioned it could be an IVF dealio. Partner and I have decided not to go down that route... neither of us want kids enough, and how I would deal with the process with other health issues is uncertain. So, no kids.

Love, love, LOVE my job. I also really value my independence, my own income, contributing... but as time goes by, I'm getting exhausted. Job is purely from home, but very demanding and heavy in a lot of ways.

I'm only 34, but feel like my body is just breaking down now. I get up, work, try to eat something my partner has for me, sleep, repeat. Weekends, I can't do anything - I'm too worn out from the work week. Migraines, nausea, pains.. can't see family, or friends, I miss them. Once in a while, I help with chores. Barely. Partner does most things for me AND works full time demanding job. He's an angel.

We've both been worried about my health. Last 1 - 1.5yr things have definitely taken a turn for the worse. Been doctors, hospital tests, nothing extra is wrong - just same old taking it's toll. My mental health is shot, so much pain and fatigue, and no real life.

Recently, we've been starting to discuss me just quitting work. Partner wants to see me well as I can be and happy (again, an angel). Relying on partner's income - belts would be tighter, but we'd be in an alright place. I would have energy to take on chores around the home, shopping, etc at my own pace. A housewife. Me! Feminist independent me, a housewife!

...The idea makes me want to cry with relief, love my job but I am SO worn out (not performing well at work either, although they're brilliant about it, v. supportive) but I feel so guilty at the thought of not earning an income. From the outside, wouldn't it look indulgent? We'd have no fun money though, lol, so perhaps not.

AIBU to want this? Is it just a case of putting my big girl pants on until retirement age (if we get one!!!)? No kids on the cards means no reason to quit work?

Would probably see about reducing my hours before quitting entirely, to see how it goes. Just thought I'd ask about if I quit entirely to get some thoughts about the whole "stay at home" thing.

Thanks for reading this far!

So right now you’re managing to work but not do chores? If you stop working, you’re anticipating having energy to put into chores, and keeping house.

So in all likelihood the energy output will be similar.

If you work, you have independence, social security, pension and social status. You also have externalised accountability.

If you give up work, you have none of those things. Not working outside the home can be very hard on your mental health.

Reading between the lines, I’m guessing that your partner is anticipating that his chore burden will lift, and that for a drop in income he gets a better standard of living and enjoys his downtime more. But that will only be the case if the burden of housework doesn’t exhaust you. Without the externalised accountability of a paid job, you may find it much harder to marshall your energy and push through. And not holding up your end may strain your relationship.

However, a supportive partner also means you have other options:
reduce your hours but keep your hand in, or
the temporary security to change jobs

And if you’re both willing to drop your salary, could you look at buying more help for cleaning, cooking, gardening to ease your partner’s load instead?

Have you discussed pension contributions? How would you be protected if you break up?

Probably a silly question, but are you entitled to PIP at all? I was wondering if you could put that towards eg cleaning services, laundry services that might reduce the home burden? I know it will change that your job saps your energy but it might make part time work possible.

I'm really sorry; it's a rubbish position to feel you can't go on with a job you love. But housework is real work, and it's a feminist act of self care and self preservation to use the energy you do have on your home life, things you enjoy, and seeing loved ones.

I think nothing wrong with giving up. You might find you want to do some volunteering at some point when you've had time to rest.

However I wouldn't do it unless I was married. I'd want to make sure I was as secure as possible.

I know I'll probably be against the grain here... But there's a lot of studies that show people's health deteriorates when they don't work, and there's also an increase in death for people who don't work.

Personally I think working (if not a physical job) will probably help some of your chronic health issues, as it will be a distraction.

I had a serious chronic pain condition for a while and I have to say that working was a saviour for me - the doctors however couldn't believe I was still working with such debilitating pain, and told me to stop, but it helped me. Lying in bed in agony just made it feel worse - at work I could sometimes be distracted from it.

I think it's good to aim for balance and keeping work in the mix.
Maybe reduce your hours and/or pay for more help with housework?
Not working may make you feel more dependent and more socially isolated. Working brings a sense of achievement and external validation.
It's not good if working full time means you have to sacrifice hobbies or a social life.

Whilst you still have two incomes , can you pay people to do things ? Cleaner who could iron ? Someone to cut the grass , meal boxes?
I wonder if you give up work you'll become isolated and your mental health will suffer ?
Also , you say on one income you'll have no fun money , so no meals , cinema , pub, holidays anything you like doing.

I left my job due to chronic illness.

I found actually I missed so much from working (company, interest, etc) so I started volunteering part time while I figured out what to do. (We also couldn’t afford for me not to earn anything, I appreciate that’s different for you.)

I liked the volunteer work and it turned into part time paid work.

I miss my old, full time job. But when you’re chronically ill you have to do what you can. And I like my new part time work.

I would also go part time and get a cleaner to reduce what you feel the need to do.

If you find part time unmanageable or your employer won’t agree, why don’t you look into a career break in case you change your mind?

I understand you are probably trying to be encouraging, but for those of us reading the thread who are disabled and limited in what we can do it's very insulting to imply that makes us unloveable to our partners.
Also it's highly unlikely that the OPs PCOS and other issues are going to be resolved via vitamin infusions.

I would consider whether you really want kids and take very meaningful contraception steps to avoid conception if not.
If you are totally maxed out working full time, I don’t see how kids are an option. You talk as though you might quits pre kids and would then definitely quit if you had kids but looking after children will be much, much harder than working full time as a single person.
PCOS is by no means the infertility card so don’t assume you won’t fall pregnant and be very careful if you aren’t prepared for a baby.
I’ve PCOS, almost never have periods and have 2 children. The second conceived first go.

I would reduce your hours but I would be hesitant to quit and fully rely on your partner. What happens if you broke up?

Suppose only issue is if husband decides to leave the marriage where would you be left?

Surely more sensible option is to cut hours first or take on less demanding role

I agree with others that working part-time sounds like a more sensibly cautious option.

Would you consider changing jobs to something you might find less tiring? Obviously depends hugely on what you do now/what you might be qualified to do, but sometimes working in the right job can be a huge remover of stress - especially if (like a lot of us) you've found you ended up in a particular job rather than having actively chosen to be in that line of work.

I agree with @Blanketenvy that quack doctor suggestions and patronising comments about people with disabilities are beyond inappropriate.

may I ask what it is you struggle with that is making you so exhausted?

This isn't a "come tell me your problems dear one' that you may think it is. Could be the way it's written but it will immediately put anyone in the defence mode.

I for one think OP's symptom sounds like Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Anything like those can be debilitating even if some people don't get what makes them "so exhausted".

I would keep working part time too. Your partner already has a lot on his plate and to be the sole income is lot of stress and pressure. Also, it really isn't good for anyone to just be at home all day with no meaningful activity. There aren't many chores to do when it is just two adults.

What does he think?

You’re very young to basically give up on life. My worry would be how the future would look, if all you did all day was sit around at home doing the occasional domestic chore, then lying down for a while. I’d be surprised if any relationship could stand that. As others have said, I’d try part time work. I think doing nothing is likely to make you more ill, not less.

If you take annual leave do you actually feel rested and better? I have several chronic health problems that are exacerbated when I'm stressed and also find working full time tiring. I have recently, however, undertaken a course for those living with chronic pain, and it's definitely made me realise that you use it or lose it. Having too much time on my hands to feel and be ill would definitely make new feel worse, and being so dependant on DH would make that worse.

Can you take a block off a few weeks off to see if you do actually feel better and are able to do the chores etc? I know I would definitely rather work and earn money to keep us both on more of an even footing, esp as that money could be used to buy help to make life easier.

There's a world of options between a full-time full on job and not working at all. Aside from going part time in your current role, investigate other jobs you could do that aren't as full on or full time but will still keep you earning and getting some work-based satisfaction. The fact that you love your work suggests strongly that you get a bang out of work as well as a wage. Giving that up for a life of not working at all or raising kids doesn't sound like a great option for your mental or physical health. It's more about finding the right role and lifestyle than stopping by the sounds of it.

@Blanketenvy exactly what I was going to say.

@Quitelikeit would you really stop loving and being attracted to your partner if they got ill or had an accident that made them disabled?!

Fucking hell.

If you don't want to work anymore, and your partner is happy to support you - do whatever you like! There's nothing wrong with it at all!

If you get bored or find your health has improved with a solid break then you can volunteer or find a part time job.

I mean if you don't want to work don't thats your choice but lets be real here you aren't married, your boyfriend could break up with you tomorrow, then what? He might be encouraging you to sit at home and give up your career but if he decided he can't be bothered to keep you in 5 years time or whatever you've messed up your career and don't have anyone to prop you up, even if he does marry you. Maybe drop hours if you don't want to work full time, in your situation giving up work would be pretty mad.

Sorry I didn't realise you weren't married yet! Discuss with him and then action once you're married. Too risky otherwise.

I’m normally first with the “get married for your own protection” advice but I fail to see what protection that will provide OP in this situation.

If her boyfriend left her now, or divorced her should they marry in the future, she’d be in the same boat; he could force a sale and she would have no income or pension. She didn’t give up a career to raise a family while allowing her husband to progress, so spousal maintenance or share of his pension wouldn’t be considered.

I think you'd be insane, quite honestly. You have a job you love with a supportive employer and you're unmarried. Don't quit!

Look into reducing your hours, or even taking a short leave of absence. Resigning would be a permanent solution to what could be a temporary problem.

It's between you and DH obviously, but I don't think I'd be signing up to pay for an ill person's time off, however ill or deserving they were. But, everyone else can do what they like. If you are both happy = no unreasonableness.