To be a "stay-at-home wife" even if children arn't on the cards, due to chronic illness?

[Agix]

Hey all. I've been lurking this forum a while, decided to post this question today. went to create an account and already had one. Who knew!

I know this is a parenting forum, and children arn't involved, but that's kinda why I'd really like opinions from the people here. Just need some thoughts/views.

Partner and I are engaged. Jointly own a home, mortgage. We both work full time. He is the higher earner by far.

I have various chronic illness - just an ultra sickly person. I wont bore you with what manner of things exactly, but it's a mixture of physical illness, and mental illness. One is a gnarly dose of PCOS which is absolutely pants in itself, and already know I will struggle to have children. GP mentioned it could be an IVF dealio. Partner and I have decided not to go down that route... neither of us want kids enough, and how I would deal with the process with other health issues is uncertain. So, no kids.

Love, love, LOVE my job. I also really value my independence, my own income, contributing... but as time goes by, I'm getting exhausted. Job is purely from home, but very demanding and heavy in a lot of ways.

I'm only 34, but feel like my body is just breaking down now. I get up, work, try to eat something my partner has for me, sleep, repeat. Weekends, I can't do anything - I'm too worn out from the work week. Migraines, nausea, pains.. can't see family, or friends, I miss them. Once in a while, I help with chores. Barely. Partner does most things for me AND works full time demanding job. He's an angel.

We've both been worried about my health. Last 1 - 1.5yr things have definitely taken a turn for the worse. Been doctors, hospital tests, nothing extra is wrong - just same old taking it's toll. My mental health is shot, so much pain and fatigue, and no real life.

Recently, we've been starting to discuss me just quitting work. Partner wants to see me well as I can be and happy (again, an angel). Relying on partner's income - belts would be tighter, but we'd be in an alright place. I would have energy to take on chores around the home, shopping, etc at my own pace. A housewife. Me! Feminist independent me, a housewife!

...The idea makes me want to cry with relief, love my job but I am SO worn out (not performing well at work either, although they're brilliant about it, v. supportive) but I feel so guilty at the thought of not earning an income. From the outside, wouldn't it look indulgent? We'd have no fun money though, lol, so perhaps not.

AIBU to want this? Is it just a case of putting my big girl pants on until retirement age (if we get one!!!)? No kids on the cards means no reason to quit work?

Would probably see about reducing my hours before quitting entirely, to see how it goes. Just thought I'd ask about if I quit entirely to get some thoughts about the whole "stay at home" thing.

Thanks for reading this far!

If you ansploutley love your job, but the day to dayness of life is too much,and you can live on one salary, then why not look to hire a part time housekeeper?

They could work (say) noon-5pm Monday to Friday, do all the laundry, the big food shop, all the housekeeping and prepare the evening meal before they leave.

Yes, it may eat up all or most of your individual salary, but you and dh would have zero chores to do, be fed a lovely meal each evening and you could maintain your career, which it seems you love.

My main concern for you would be that you become too reliant on your partner to support you financially. That puts you in a very vulnerable position should the relationship fail in the future.
I also echo the others about part time work for a while or bank work.

Can you go part time OP?

@Quitelikeit Wow! How unutterably ableist & downright ignorant

Sorry, you sound shattered OP. I would try and look at other options first with minimal hours.
Angels unfortunately aren’t guaranteed to stay that way. So good to have a plan b to fall back on.

If you can afford to manage without your salary I'd also look at what you can afford to outsource to reduce the amount of stuff you have to do outside work.

e.g. if you go part time, yes absolutely so the trial run of saving most of the money suggested above, but why not use a proportion of it to e.g. get someone in twice a week to do some washing and cleaning etc. That way you're still earning a salary and contributing (and maintaining your CV) but it means you can use most of your time outside work to rest and do things that benefit your health. You could even do it while still full time if you wanted to.

This. Keep some independence and fulfilment if you can. I know it's hard.

Yeah obviously. But who the fuck wants to be in a relationship with someone who only loves and cares for them if they remain fit, healthy and economically active in the way they want?!

How about getting pnd? Is that enough of an inconvenience to leave someone? What if you are in a car crash and break your back, would you cheerfully wave your husband off because obviously he would only see you as a burden?

Clearly some people do only ‘love’ their partners while they remain perfect and preform their roles exactly as they want them to- but those people are dickheads.

You mention your mental health has suffered as well as your physical health.

For some people, carrying on with work is important for their mental health. It gives them a sense of purpose and a feeling of accomplishment. Stopping work could help your physical health but might it have a negative impact on your mental health?

I think a lot of posters have suggested part time here and this might be a way to balance your physical and mental health needs.

Don't worry about what other people think. Only you know what you can manage and finding the balance that suits you & your partner. Wishing you better days ahead

I took some time out wit illness and felt old before my time and bored. I'd cut my hours and get cleaning help. That way you keep some independence, you're still developing work wise and you're still part of things.

I don’t know anything about chronic illness personally, but could it be a case of if you stop work completely, you may struggle with the day to day and everything it entails, but then you’d also be isolated too so it could open you up to not so good mental health?

id hate to give up work personally, I’d be very down if I was at home all the time and too tired to do anything else outside of chores.

if you’re partner is happy to support you and keep looking after you, I’d be inclined to slow work down as much as possible and try and pick up some of the chores bit by bit as you’re able to?

if you love your job, think carefully about giving it up completely.

your partner sounds lovely, what does he think of the idea?

OP if it's FM or CFS I can bore you with how I went from being unable to work let alone do much else to working full-time (with
kids).

I’m on a Facebook group for people with my
illness. Every week there’s someone saying they can’t work full time and have a life outside work so what benefits can they claim so they can work part time and enjoy life. Sadly it doesn’t work like that- if you can work the government aren’t going to pay you not to just so you can go out a couple of times a week. It’s normal with a chronic illness to have to spend most of your energy on work and not on enjoying life.

It’s also statistically common for men to leave women who become disabled over the course of the relationship. Less common for women to
leave disabled men. And yes that’s shit but factual so if you can keep working even low hours it’s worth it for many reasons others have already mentioned.

I second the advice of reduced hours, and maybe you can allocate some of that part time income to hired help (cleaner, food delivery…) so that gives you some extra time to rest? I also agree that having a job that you like and colleagues you can interact with might be better for your MH. Maybe take a temporary sick leave first so you can recover, then return to work with reduced hours?

I stopped working due to health issues temporarily in past (well, difficult pregnancy so kind of time limited) and the first few weeks felt amazing, so nice to be able to rest without the stress of work and all my duties. However it got quite depressing and lonely very soon after.

Hope you can find the right balance OP. 💐

Hi all, OP here. So many comments that I can't reply to them all individually, but I just want to say thank you so much. I really appreciate everyones input and view points, it's helped me sort of parse through the issue for myself. I get so overwhelmed with how exhausting it all is, how exhausting it might continue to be, that I find it hard to even think properly about it.

1. I will definitely try to reduce my hours at work, maybe 3 - 4 days per week, before quitting. That seems to be the most common suggestion - and I agree, I was being a bit dramatic with the whole quit entirely thing. I'm just so tired is all, it's so tempting to just stop. I appreciate being grounded a bit about it.

There is a good chance I could go part time, and it really might be enough to give me that breathing space/recovery time and start to function a bit better (and contribute around the house). Work are brilliant and will make it happen if they possibly can... maybe. If they can't then I'll have to think again.

Either way I don't want to jump into anything. I like the idea of saving first, just try a little longer.

2. Partner and I are also discussing other ideas to make things easier, like healthy meal deliveries people have mentioned, forking out a bit more to get groceries/basics delivered, exercise equipment at home (too exhausted to get to the gym currently, but stuctured and planned weight exercises actually help reduce pain when I can do it properly and routinely.. if I could have equipment at home I might be able to spread it out over a day, 1 exercise morning, 1 lunchtime, 1 evening etc). Work in progress here.

3. I had all these same health issues when I met my partner, he was aware of everything from the start. It has gotten worse in the last 1.5 years though - he does so much more for me now. We speak openly, I tell him I worry about how much he has to do for me, I ask him to please consider himself... he volunteers so much help without me asking a thing - he tells me he wont be going anywhere, doesn't resent me for it and loves me. Tells me he can't wait to marry me (no planning the wedding yet... because I've been too ill!). I fully believe he feels that way - although, of course, know no one can tell the future. Perhaps that would make even a saint resent me eventually.

And even if he will always feel that way, I want him to feel comfortable and supported too.

I'm sure theres a way to make the best of this, I just need to figure out what that balance is.

4. At least no one said it seems indulgent, so I got my answer on that one! I appreciate how everyones comments were more about the well being of myself and my partner... that really should be the focus here and it's helpful to remember that.

5. People have asked what my conditions are. The only reason I'm not saying is because it's an embarrasing list as long as my arm. I'm not ultra private about it but it would just make me feel worse to list it all right now is all. It's like, a cocktail of minor niggles (or medium niggles?) that just add up to a big pile of rubbish.

Gotta get to sleep! Thank you all, truly.

Serious accident led to life changing injuries, coupled with PCOS, thoracic outlet syndrome, Ehlers Danlos, Neurofibromatosis, Underactive thyroid, brittle bone disease and about 16 other conditions. Living with paralysed left hand/ arm, bone necrosis and tumours in feet, serious vascular damage and now tumour in right hand. I was medically retired, but needed to work for mental health. I am self employed part time and volunteer as well. It makes me feel better and purposeful. PCOS is a metabolic condition and comes with insulin resistance for many women. I take Metformin and it is a game changer. Makes me less sleepy and clears brain fog. Perhaps look into that sort of treatment. I have two children despite the above diagnosis, and bicornuate uterus so don't think you cannot get pregnant. Access to work can help you with your workplace needs including equipment and a support worker. You may qualify for PIP. You can get a discount in council tax related to your disability needs if you qualify. You may get a blue badge if that makes travel easier. All worth looking into. If you give up work, you become financially dependent on your partner. You have to plan for your future. Consider your options very carefully.

OP, I sympathise with the poor health, but you would be completely mad to make your economic feature tied to your romantic one. Bluntly, relationships break down and marriages end. Are there benefits you could be entitled to if you’re getting to the point where working is becoming difficult? Are there adjustments your employer can make to make your working life easier?

I agree with the posters saying go part time. At 34 you can't realistically take yourself out of the workplace for the next 33-35 years. You're barely 12-15 years into a working life. Yeah I know you have health issues and I am sorry about that, but don't put yourself in the position of being dependent on your partner financially for life, (Or benefits.) Not if you have a choice. You say you LOVE your job, so why leave?

Have you thought of applying for PIP? You are allowed to work and it would give you some extra income. Then you cut your hours right down if you wanted to.

I can relate on some level as someone with a chronic illness, I'm also a mum and work though. I did stop working while I studied and my husband's salary supported us for me to be able to do that.
I would say I can totally see why you want to say yes. I can also see it's a really kind suggestion from your partner and I want to encourage you to say yes... but... it doesn't sound like you are married, is that right? Without the legal protection of marriage there is no way I could encourage anyone to be totally reliant on someone else's wage. Are you planning to be married to each other down the line? Maybe worth having that conversation before going any further with the plan just yet.
Hope you find a suitable solution for you both. Funny enough having children has helped my chronic illness in a sense, it's forced me to focus on someone else's needs above my own and my stuff takes second place. But I also know that's not the same for everyone.

Part time is definitely the way to go. Even a slight reduction in hours.

If you are ill then you don't want to be on a tight budget where you can't afford private medical/to outsource housework. I felt so grateful I could pay for private tests when I needed an urgent diagnosis (the GP said she would recommend I paid if I possibly could)

I have a horrible neurological condition and a v full time job. I manage it by outsourcing as much housework etc as possible- cleaner twice a week, gardener, ironing service, food delivery

(I want to work full time as I still am ambitious in my career, if not I think my ideal would be 4 -4.5 days a week. )

and I hate to say it, but every divorced woman I know once spoke about their husband in the same glowing you do. Being financially independent is so important I think

Wtaf? It sounds like the OPs partner is on board with it. Let's hope you're never in a situation where you can't work and someone suggests that your partner might not desire you anymore.

OP I think part time is the way forward and see if that helps. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Total financial dependence is high risk.

imagine yourself having to renter the workforce down the line, but not being able to get back to your current line of work because you have been out for 20 years. Would you end up working retail, waiting tables? What stress would that put on your body?

he could get sick, die, or have his brain switched by aliens and have a complete personality change :)
you would likely be required to go back to work.

reducing your hours is a good middle-ground

you can also try belt tightening before you actually make the switch. Start by taking your income and deciding on a certain amount to spend on ways to make your life easier. Hire a cleaner, get groceries delivered, eat out more often etc. then take the rest of your income and put it in a savings account. Aside from those life ease extras, the two of you now live on his earnings and see how it feels.

I wouldn't really use the word "housewife" for someone who has to stop work or reduce their hours because of a disability or health condition. But that's just semantics, really.

My advice is firstly to consider talking to your GP about getting signed off sick for a bit. You say that your health has been deteriorating and you're feeling exhausted and burned out. So take sick leave. You will be paid for it (most employers pay contractual sick pay for a while before it goes down to SSP). Then you can think about a phased return to work or reasonable adjustments (such as going part-time) to make it more manageable for you.

You most definitely should not just resign straight away, and if it's all too much (despite sick leave, part time, etc) and you do need to resign eventually, you should wait until you are married first. Married, not engaged.

Do consider your National Insurance record (ie for future state pension entitlement). If you do eventually stop paid work you should claim new-style ESA which will give you NI credits that count towards your state pension.

Consider also whether you might be eligible for PIP; you can claim this whether or not you are working, if you meet the criteria.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/pip/before-claiming/check-you-are-eligible/
and https://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/personal-independence-payment-pip/pip-self-test

Whether you work part time or not at all, and/or claim benefits, ideally you would have some income of your own.

Your partner sounds supportive which is great, but I agree with PP about retaining some financial independence at least until you get married and preferably afterwards too.