To be a "stay-at-home wife" even if children arn't on the cards, due to chronic illness?

[Agix]

Hey all. I've been lurking this forum a while, decided to post this question today. went to create an account and already had one. Who knew!

I know this is a parenting forum, and children arn't involved, but that's kinda why I'd really like opinions from the people here. Just need some thoughts/views.

Partner and I are engaged. Jointly own a home, mortgage. We both work full time. He is the higher earner by far.

I have various chronic illness - just an ultra sickly person. I wont bore you with what manner of things exactly, but it's a mixture of physical illness, and mental illness. One is a gnarly dose of PCOS which is absolutely pants in itself, and already know I will struggle to have children. GP mentioned it could be an IVF dealio. Partner and I have decided not to go down that route... neither of us want kids enough, and how I would deal with the process with other health issues is uncertain. So, no kids.

Love, love, LOVE my job. I also really value my independence, my own income, contributing... but as time goes by, I'm getting exhausted. Job is purely from home, but very demanding and heavy in a lot of ways.

I'm only 34, but feel like my body is just breaking down now. I get up, work, try to eat something my partner has for me, sleep, repeat. Weekends, I can't do anything - I'm too worn out from the work week. Migraines, nausea, pains.. can't see family, or friends, I miss them. Once in a while, I help with chores. Barely. Partner does most things for me AND works full time demanding job. He's an angel.

We've both been worried about my health. Last 1 - 1.5yr things have definitely taken a turn for the worse. Been doctors, hospital tests, nothing extra is wrong - just same old taking it's toll. My mental health is shot, so much pain and fatigue, and no real life.

Recently, we've been starting to discuss me just quitting work. Partner wants to see me well as I can be and happy (again, an angel). Relying on partner's income - belts would be tighter, but we'd be in an alright place. I would have energy to take on chores around the home, shopping, etc at my own pace. A housewife. Me! Feminist independent me, a housewife!

...The idea makes me want to cry with relief, love my job but I am SO worn out (not performing well at work either, although they're brilliant about it, v. supportive) but I feel so guilty at the thought of not earning an income. From the outside, wouldn't it look indulgent? We'd have no fun money though, lol, so perhaps not.

AIBU to want this? Is it just a case of putting my big girl pants on until retirement age (if we get one!!!)? No kids on the cards means no reason to quit work?

Would probably see about reducing my hours before quitting entirely, to see how it goes. Just thought I'd ask about if I quit entirely to get some thoughts about the whole "stay at home" thing.

Thanks for reading this far!

I have recently, however, undertaken a course for those living with chronic pain, and it's definitely made me realise that you use it or lose it. Having too much time on my hands to feel and be ill would definitely make new feel worse, and being so dependant on DH would make that worse.

I have a condition that causes chronic pain, as well as other unpleasantness and I totally agree with this. I find working FT unmanageable with my health and have tried various working patterns over the years. I currently work 30 hours term time only, and this seems to be a good balance for me. Knowing I never have to go more than 8 weeks before getting a decent break helps me push through when I'm tired or struggling with symptoms. I think not working at all would be disastrous for my physical and mental health, but appreciate everyone is different.

It worries me how often marriage is sold to women as offering "financial protection" on this site. I know married women who have been left in dire financial positions after their Husbands have left them. A close relative has had to go back to working FT in her 60's after her DH left her suddenly for another woman. He emptied their joint account, stopped paying the mortgage and utility bills and refused to communicate with her. Her solicitor told her this is "not uncommon". She had to take him to court to 'win' the right to sell their home (a process that took years and cost a small fortune in legal fees) and then split the proceeds with him. She is now in debt, living in a small flat with no savings and no hope of retiring anytime soon. I'm not saying this to scare you, OP but I think it's important as it's often implied on here that once you're married it's automatically 'safe' to give up work.

How long have you and your partner been together? Whilst I totally understand why you would want to do this (life sounds very hard), I would echo other peoples concerns about becoming completely financially dependent upon your partner.

I used to be a divorce lawyer. The amount of 'absolute angels' who turn in to 'absolute bastards' is surprisingly high. So many women saying, 'he is the last person you would expect to do something like this'. I obviously hope this never happens to you. It is so much harder to return to the work force later in life once you have been out of work for a long time.

This is so very true. Unless you have your own money/resources put away for a rainy day, handing over your entire financial wellbeing to another person is very risky.

Yes, some spouses are happy to pay for their husband/wife to be unemployed but circumstances change and so do feelings. You never know if or when a long-standing arrangement will be pulled out from under you, whether you're going to be suddenly having to finance yourself.

I personally don't think any woman should knowingly and willingly put herself in this position.

I think you need to reframe this decision. Its not about whether you should give up work to become a housewife, but whether your health is good enough for you to work.
If it isn't, then your first step is to go off sick. You will then recieve whatever your entitlement is from work until you're ultimately dismissed on the grounds of capacity. However during the process your employer may well negotiate you doing shorter hours or adjustments that enable you to continue to so some work.
If you are dismissed, if you have the necessary contribution record you can claim employment support allowance regardless of your partner's income for a time (indefinitely if you're judged too ill for any work) The amount you receive is very little, and you may think its not worth bothering with, or you dont 'need' it, but it does give some sense of independence and keeps you in the system in your own right as a 'sick person' rather than merely a dependent.
You could also explore Personal Independence Payment (PIP).

If your mh is already shot than quitting your job complete and be isolated at home is going to make it even worse op...

Go part time
Or find a different job

Get your groceries delivered as well.

But dont just rely on him

What if he looses his job?
Or wants a seperation? Or cheats?

Anything really

It is important to have your own income as well. For your financial health.

And go see a craniosacral therapist and a iridologist to get to the bottom of what you suffer from

Xx

One thing to seriously consider op please understand how being at home all the time may impact your mental health...you could be very lonely, lose the pride in your much loved job etc...part time is the better option if possible.

I was "just a housewife" for a while with no kids although I didnt have any health issues. If it works for you, then do it. The rest of the world will tell you that you need financial independence and that you are an idiot for relying on a man, there will be a power struggle ect... but for me it's worked out (but I have kids now) and actually I feel our relationship is strong because Im not out stressing over work. We made decisions on how we wanted it to be and what our expectations were, and we review when we need to. It can and does work.

I think one very, very important aspect is definitely to make sure that you are making, or being credited for, NI contributions towards your state pension, as you won't get the credits that come with child benefit. So I'd definitely prioritise that, lest you find out one day you don't even have that safety net for old age.

@tillylula im the same, although I am actually ill and disabled. I haven’t worked since I got married- before we had children. It’s never been an issue in our relationship.

I also don’t understand why people presume not having a job necessarily leads to isolation/depression/loneliness/boredom. I have as full and interesting a life as my condition allows. Plenty of friends and family and things to do, interests I enjoy 🤷‍♀️.

If i were in your position I'd request a three day week. Then aim to keep one day for gently doing chores and then the other day off purely for resting. Good luck OP.

I think it's interesting the 'get married' advice is presumed to mean divorce. In my case I advise get married so that in the event of any death or illness of one party, the spouse will have a level of protection with regards to property, pension etc. I would say the same whether this were a man or woman, in the event of death it makes a difference. Especially if the surviving spouse hasn't been paying into their own pension for many years.

Exactly @Inkypot - @Testino not everyone is thinking of divorce. However it is the general cry on MN that it's safer to be married than a live in partner.

If a man asked the same question, I'd respond accordingly depending on the circumstances

No. You could live for another 50 years perhaps. How are you going to manage?

You need to think very long term. Pension? How would you support yourself if the relationship failed?

Relying on the state is a fool's game. It could change at any time.

This is certainly a fair point, being married absolutely leaves you in a better position if your partner dies (I’m unsure how much it helps you if your partner becomes seriously ill?)

But statistically the far more likely event is divorce/infidelity/relationship breakdown.

Legally you are 2 single people until you marry or civil partnership. Common law wife does not exist as a status.

If you don't work, you must claim some benefits, because these pay your National Insurance contributions towards your state pension, maternity, unemployment, sickness benefits etc

I would put in a flexible work request to your current employer,& reduce your hours

Claim PIP

I would not rely on someone else to support you. They may agree to support you now, but they may not in 5, 10, 15, 20 plus years

Or look at doing shift work, where you work X days or nights on, then Y days or nights off