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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should MIL be allowed upstairs in our home?

287 replies

DisneyBaby · 01/06/2023 16:23

I grew up in a house where it was rude to go upstairs in someone else's house and even if the toilet was upstairs and I needed to go, I would say 'is it ok to use your toilet upstairs' etc...

This is the norm for most people isn't it?

My MIL always tries to find an excuse to go upstairs in our house and I'm really uncomfortable with it. Firstly it's messy and secondly I just feel like bedrooms etc are private. Am I alone in thinking this?

She sometimes makes out she's looking for something in my daughters room or says my daughter wanted to go up there etc. But other times she's said things like 'I bet you can see ..... from your bedroom window' and tried to go up to see something from my and DH room.

Would you have a problem with this?
I don't know why she feels it's acceptable...

OP posts:
MidsummerNightsDream · 01/06/2023 19:04

It is not normal, it’s weird. She’ll be nosing around. My exMIL was like this. Snooping into every corner of everyone’s home. She also would often disappear upstairs with our dc during social gatherings which I found very rude. She is generally a very nosey person who likes to probe too far into peoples lives and it made me feel very uncomfortable.

What can you do about it? A complicated baby gate? Or tell her, I suppose but it’s awkward, I know. Job for your dp!

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 01/06/2023 19:06

I agree that I wouldn't go upstairs without permission (e.g. to use the loo) in a friend's house, particularly when I was a kid. And bedrooms can always be private of course. But it would never have occurred to me to stop one of my kid's grandparents from going upstairs to play with them, for example. I think that's a bit weird and if I was said grandparent I'd be quite hurt I think.

Allhailkingcharlie · 01/06/2023 19:08

My mil does this. I hate it. I know she goes looking around as she'll move things. I find it rude. It's my room and my space.

SlippySarah · 01/06/2023 19:09

Once upon a time EX mil was babysitting while I was at work. I came home to find that she'd been in our room, removed a basket of clean laundry, ironed it and folded it and replaced it back where she found it. She didn't even tell me she'd done it because she knew I'd be pissed off.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 01/06/2023 19:12

Print off an A4 sign.
Keep out.. Place it on the bed...

reddragon7 · 01/06/2023 19:13

Maybe it’s a cultural difference, but surely, your MIL should feel more welcomed in your home. Your post comes across as you wanting to keep your MIL at a distance/ kinda rude imo. But as I said, perhaps cultural differences. I don’t see the issue in her wanting to see what your house is like upstairs. I doubt it’s with ill-intentions, probs just curious. I don’t think she should ask to use the toilet, given she’s part of the family. I guess it’s depends on your family dynamics.

WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 01/06/2023 19:15

I couldn’t care less if my MIL goes upstairs in my house!

DPotter · 01/06/2023 19:19

I agree bedrooms are private - messy or not.

There was a thread on here a few years back - snoopy DM ( who denied the snooping) I think rather than MIL. So OP left an application for emigrating to Australia in a drawer (pretty sure they didn't have plans to go there).

All sorts of havoc broke loose IIRC - DM couldn't own up to having seen the application but really upset, you get the picture. I'll see if I can find it.

ATerrorofLeftovers · 01/06/2023 19:19

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 01/06/2023 19:06

I agree that I wouldn't go upstairs without permission (e.g. to use the loo) in a friend's house, particularly when I was a kid. And bedrooms can always be private of course. But it would never have occurred to me to stop one of my kid's grandparents from going upstairs to play with them, for example. I think that's a bit weird and if I was said grandparent I'd be quite hurt I think.

Agree with this. She’s your MIL. It’s weird and inhospitable to be uptight about her going upstairs, unless she has form for being super nosey and overstepping boundaries. She’s family, not an acquaintance.

I’d be upset if I was your DH and you were making my mum feel unwelcome. It’s rude.

illiterato · 01/06/2023 19:20

Literally don’t care if MIL goes through all my drawers ( not that she would but I wouldn’t mind if she was looking for painkillers or something for the kids if she was there when I was out).

Mind you I also let friends stay at my house when I’m away so I am fairly relaxed.

Possibly it’s because I lived overseas for ages and had a live in housekeeper/ nanny so I’ve just got used to fairly low levels of privacy.

Dibbydoos · 01/06/2023 19:23

I hate people in my house full stop. Always have done! My mum and sister still haven't been in house and that's how it'll stay....!

Thomasina79 · 01/06/2023 19:24

I don’t have a choice! My four year old grand daughter drags me upstairs to her room all the time! I am interested in the whole house in any case, as they bought it in a very bad state and I have been doing some paper stripping etc and it has been lovely to see it being transformed. I would ask first though, if it was ok to go upstairs, but I think they might be a bit surprised! I definitely dont snoop, their private life is none of my business!

Angrywife · 01/06/2023 19:25

Visitors shouldn't go in any room in a house without being invited in to them.
Regardless of who they are in the family, they're a guest, and should remember that.

LaughingCat · 01/06/2023 19:26

Seriously, the upstairs being off limits is a thing? Never come across that before. So weird! Erm, close the doors of any rooms you don’t want her to go into and leave the bathroom door open so it‘s clear where to go.

I’d find it a bit weird if my MIL didn’t go upstairs 😂

pizzaHeart · 01/06/2023 19:34

Hiddendoor · 01/06/2023 16:33

My mum does this. It's because she is nosy. Even if one of my DC is showing her something in their bedroom, she will take the opportunity to have a look in my bedroom and the spare room. No reason, just nosy.

I don’t think OP would mind her MiL going upstairs for a real reason: to the toilet, to play with kids in their bedrooms etc the problem is that MIL is clearly looking for a reason to go upstairs for snooping.
We used to have en-suite in our bedroom and I wouldn’t mind some friends using them but mind the others. Some people just have this nosy vibe.

SallyWD · 01/06/2023 19:40

Angrywife · 01/06/2023 19:25

Visitors shouldn't go in any room in a house without being invited in to them.
Regardless of who they are in the family, they're a guest, and should remember that.

Oh blimey we have a "my house is your house" approach with my family and in-laws. Can't imagine the formality of inviting them in to each room!

Absolem76 · 01/06/2023 19:46

I don't think it's rude especially to go into her grandchild's room. Surely that's normal?
I wouldn't give it a second thought. It's her son's house not a strangers

HeartStarRose · 01/06/2023 19:50

Peonyfun · 01/06/2023 18:34

That’s a lot to catch multiple folks doing, I see you using plural, and all at once, I mean I get you catch them and they are doing one thing, but them all? Or repeatedly catching them doing different things, is there something going on with your family then that they like to sniff your perfume?

Show quote history

Such interest! Smile Two different people, doing one of the different things mentioned on different occasions.

DisquietintheRanks · 01/06/2023 19:51

Angrywife · 01/06/2023 19:25

Visitors shouldn't go in any room in a house without being invited in to them.
Regardless of who they are in the family, they're a guest, and should remember that.

If you can't cope with offering basic hospitality, don't have guests. Or a family.

Respberrypachouli · 01/06/2023 19:57

Wow… I hadn’t realised that it’s such faux pas for the family to be allowed anywhere else in your house apart from the living room. I assume your mum has to ask too, right, if she can go upstairs? What’s in your bedroom anyway that family can’t see? Mr Gray’s playroom?

LolaSmiles · 01/06/2023 20:01

I'd ask about the bathroom on first visit, but after that would just use the bathroom.
Bedrooms are private in my opinion and it's really weird to want to mooch around them, unless it's a child's bedroom and they're happy having someone in to play.

In the OP's situation it sounds like the MIL is looking for an excuse to snoop about, which I'd not like.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 01/06/2023 20:08

GalileoHumpkins · 01/06/2023 16:35

I don't think bedrooms are any more private than any other room in the house.

How are they not?! I wouldn’t want my mum or my MIL in my bedroom without a reason! Bathroom is upstairs so yes that’s fine and maybe kids room IF they asked them in there for something but there would be no reason to go in my room. They might see my underwear, sex toys or antidepressants sitting on the side! It’s just unnecessary!

readbooksdrinktea · 01/06/2023 20:08

GalileoHumpkins · 01/06/2023 16:35

I don't think bedrooms are any more private than any other room in the house.

Disagree. I don't want anyone in my bedroom that I haven't agreed could go in there.

phoenixrosehere · 01/06/2023 20:10

My parents and in-laws are not allowed in our bedroom and they have no reason to be there. Our bedroom is on the top floor. Our children’s room, the family bathroom, and the guest room are below and then there’s the kitchen, loo, and living room in the ground floor.

I was raised not to go into other people’s bedrooms or in places in someone’s home without permission regardless if they are family or not. It’s their home and their rules.