Should MIL be allowed upstairs in our home?

[DisneyBaby]

I grew up in a house where it was rude to go upstairs in someone else's house and even if the toilet was upstairs and I needed to go, I would say 'is it ok to use your toilet upstairs' etc...

This is the norm for most people isn't it?

My MIL always tries to find an excuse to go upstairs in our house and I'm really uncomfortable with it. Firstly it's messy and secondly I just feel like bedrooms etc are private. Am I alone in thinking this?

She sometimes makes out she's looking for something in my daughters room or says my daughter wanted to go up there etc. But other times she's said things like 'I bet you can see ..... from your bedroom window' and tried to go up to see something from my and DH room.

Would you have a problem with this?
I don't know why she feels it's acceptable...

Personally, I don’t just go into anyones bedrooms without reason, never. Only in my parents house, I’d comfortably do so. In other houses, it would only be if they invited me to their room to hang out etc.

However, parents and parents in law, I’d regard as appropriate if they went in my bedrooms, if they wanted to say, have a look at the decor, grab something, take a nap, rest etc. I wouldn’t care if they did or did not ask for permission either. Simply cos they’re family, and I’d like them to feel free and relaxed. At my parents place, my sisters, brothers, and I openly go into one another’s bedrooms without a fuss, as we share things and leave things in each others rooms at times. I guess I’ve never kept anything private in my room and also shared a bedroom with my siblings too.

I would never just enter bedrooms in a friends or acquaintances place tho. So really it depends on family dynamics, as I said in my original comment.

Why does basic hospitality equate to being happy people roam around your house 🫤

This.

also OP tidy your room if it’s messy and that’s what’s bothering you

Surely if you are in someone's home you assume that an invitation to 'Hi, come on in' is not an invitation to roam freely throughout their home?

It doesnt matter what you feel about privacy in your own home.

There's quite a lot of clear water bw guests freely roaming the house and you issuing invitations into each and every room you fruit loop. Can just imagine you barking "I said the hall. The hall, not the kitchen"

And there's a lot of clear water between someone wandering around your home, or following you in to the lounge or kitchen or wherever you prefer to sit with guests.
Once we're seated in the kitchen why would they have need to wander in to any other room unless the hosts instigates it with something like "shall we move in to the lounge where its comfier"
An invite doesn't have to be formal, maybe suggestion is a better word but that's nit picking. Either way guests shouldn't wander around homes

Exactly!! I can't think of any reason why a guest would feel it appropriate to wander in to different rooms!

Maybe they should ask first or use the family bathroom that they passed instead. They may be family but it is still not their home.

I've never heard of it being rude to go upstairs? In your bedroom yes that's rude but just upstairs is fine imo.

It is a very odd thread title. "Allowed"? It's not the sort of word I'd ever use in this sort of context about an adult.
"AIBU to prefer if she didn't/to ask her not to..."

I would find it very strange if I want allowed upstairs in any family member's house.

I would find it very strange if I want allowed upstairs in any family member's house.

Why? What reason would you have for being up there?

I agree. She isn’t your mother so it’s not a given that she should be able to go into any places like your bedroom / home office etc without asking. If the door is closed and she opens it, that’s even worse. That’s your private space, not a communal entertaining area for guests. I think it’s particularly rude and intrusive to go into the bedrooms of other adults without being invited to.

I also think it is basic manners to ask if you can go upstairs to use the bathroom in someone’s house unless you know that you have absolute liberty to wander around their house (eg your own mum might feel free to do that and that’s fine).

@Merangutan "She isn’t your mother"

So it's OK for the OP's mother to go into her husband's bedroom/home office etc without asking?

In the context if your own house, of course you can ban people from doing things. Being an adult has zilch to do with it.

Up next: AIBU to prefer my guests don't smoke in my house😂

Your MIL is a nosey bitch with no social graces. When at your house she is a guest and should behave like one, not act like she owns the house.

I would be inclined to not let her upstairs even to use the loo and if she’s been caught in your bedroom I wouldn’t even let her in the house.

I don't get the distinction between your own mother and your partner's own mother.....so are you saying your partner is a lesser being as is his/her mother?

Of course it’s rude and plain fucking nosey. Popping up to use the loo is one thing, wandering into bedrooms is a totally different scenario. There is absolutely no need for anyone to walk into someone else’s bedroom uninvited. It’s a private space.

I don’t even like anyone using my en-suite unless they’re an overnight guest.

i do feel bedrooms are private but if your child wants to show her grandmother her bedroom/toys upstairs i think thats okay too. I wouldn’t mind my MIL looking in my children’s rooms if invited by them. Would not expect her to go in there uninvited though and definitely not my/OH’s room!

it’s your home so if you don’t want people going upstairs (in laws or not) just say. Don’t beat yourself up about it or let it be a thing just be upfront and tell them you’re not comfortable. You can be polite about it and if there is any sulking or arguing from the other party then that’s their issue.

im not overly bothered if people go upstairs in my house but if you’re not comfortable with something then you need to speak up!

My MIL does exactly this! I hate it. Obviously I have no issue with her using the bathroom, but she always tries to find a way to go into the bedrooms. Like insisting she wants to try and find the cat on our bed, or wants to see if the DC are using the blankets she made, and despite once me explicitly asking her not to, she knocks on my teenagers room and walks in. I told her teens room is a mess and she won't like it, and she says oh she won't mind. Then when dd is uncomfortably polite she uses it as evidence she didn't mind. She offers to help her tidy it, and that she just wants to be helpful to me by embarrassing her into tidying.

Wtf is going on with your mil? Going into your bedroom which has nothing whatsoever to do with the understandable playing with toys in the children's rooms or using the bathroom. It's an absolute etiquette no-no!! How dare she breach the privacy of the one room in the house which should be respected as a personal space for the parents. Maybe give her a tour of your room next time and point out the deliberately placed rat traps in the corners. If she doesn't get the hint, then put up one of those'Private' signs you see in National Trust properties on your bedroom door, and make sure there's a bucket of water balanced above it if she opens it. (Plenty of bucket booby trap advice on the net).

My MIL does this! It's become a running joke between me and my husband- the excuses she comes up with as to why she needs to be in our bedroom. I just laugh about it tbh. No harm done.

Deliberately snooping is as wrong as needing to send out memo to use a bathroom, but of course there will be other people who have issues themsleves that will think it's perfectly OK to need permission to do anything

I was bought up the same, and say openly to visiting kids no playing in our bedroom, kids bedrooms are fine. I’ve had people take their kids up into our bedroom for a wander (also I have non dangerous medicine in my bedroom - hidden but still like to be careful).

If MiL, hmm, odd one tbh. I would spruce up your bedroom, allow one more “having a look”, then after say would she mind in future as you see this as a private room. Kids bedrooms are usually an open area, that one maybe harder to manage.