Should MIL be allowed upstairs in our home?

[DisneyBaby]

I grew up in a house where it was rude to go upstairs in someone else's house and even if the toilet was upstairs and I needed to go, I would say 'is it ok to use your toilet upstairs' etc...

This is the norm for most people isn't it?

My MIL always tries to find an excuse to go upstairs in our house and I'm really uncomfortable with it. Firstly it's messy and secondly I just feel like bedrooms etc are private. Am I alone in thinking this?

She sometimes makes out she's looking for something in my daughters room or says my daughter wanted to go up there etc. But other times she's said things like 'I bet you can see ..... from your bedroom window' and tried to go up to see something from my and DH room.

Would you have a problem with this?
I don't know why she feels it's acceptable...

I was quite put out when my MIL went upstairs to use the bathroom when there was a perfectly good one downstairs

I've got a perfectly good downstairs loo but, occasionally, my dd or her husband will go to the family bathroom upstairs.I don't ask why or give it a second thought. I know why. Noises travel. Perfectly understandable.

I would not go into another persons bedroom no matter how close a relative they are, but if I were in a relatives home, I would not expect to ask for permission to use the bathroom! I would ask if I was in an acquaintances home of course or a friends house for the first time but that would mainly be to find out where it is.

I am not a grandparent and didn’t know my own grandparents, but it doesn’t seem too off for a grandparent to go upstairs to look in on their grandchild and say hello if they are up there.

Goodness,

and there is nothing to indicate she’s doing that, and why would she need to repeatedly smell the ops perfumes every visit or look at her clothes. How very odd.

Perhaps those more sensitive to this issue have known very nosy people in the past who have overstepped the boundaries. I've had family members nose around my bedroom, caught them reading my post and Valentines cards (tucked away), picking up my necklaces etc, sniffing my perfumes, that sort of thing. So anyone without good reason for going in my bedroom or indeed upstairs without good reason is a sensitive issue.

It's fine to use the toilet without asking but bedroom doors should not be opened that is rude and snooping behaviour.

I was brought up the same way, except for the toilet. Bedrooms are obviously private and I'd be annoyed if anyone went into mine without asking.

Peony that was a general point about what nosy people could do, for those who were bemused at why someone would go in someone's bedroom or what they might do. You're right, there's no indication of that in the OP which is why it was a general point. How odd indeed to think I was referring to the OP specifically.

The obvious compromise is that your bedroom is off limits. Playing with kids bedroom, going to the bathroom without asking is fine.
All families do things a bit differently. Neither way is wrong, but you need a compromise that’s going to keep your relationship with your MIL intact.

That’s a lot to catch multiple folks doing, I see you using plural, and all at once, I mean I get you catch them and they are doing one thing, but them all? Or repeatedly catching them doing different things, is there something going on with your family then that they like to sniff your perfume?

I'm twitchy whenever my MIL goes up to the loo for the simple reason that she has form for peeping into rooms when no one's looking. And our house is virtually never her idea of tidy.

Depends if you also have a downstairs loo - if you do, then obviously going upstairs isn't necessary and there'll probably be some other reason for it

Copious wind maybe. Very embarrassing.

It’s a bit rude but you seem prudish about it.. leave some condoms out she won’t go up there again ha. Shut your bedroom door aswell. I find it strange she wants to go into your bedroom but not strange to go into a child’s room. Loads of people who come to ours are interested in my DS’s room and all the fun stuff.. neighbours kids’, grandparents. He loves going in there and showing his toys or playing with something in his room! x

I agree, if anyone comes to visit I close all the doors upstairs apart from the bathroom. Use the loo by all means but there's 0 reason to be going into bedrooms. Our children don't keep toys in their bedroom except books, they have a playroom to play in so no need for anyone to be in their rooms. I would be pretty mad if my mil ventured into our room, there's nothing in there for her so it'd be pretty odd if she did.

Next time your mil visits I'd wait until she goes the loo and catch her in your room, ask if you can help her? She might think twice about her snooping next time. If you didn't have kids I'd have suggested a big black dildo on the bedside table and maybe some chains still attached to the bed, maybe not with kids about tho!

If your loo is up there I find it much less wierd and you’d be expecting people to go up there. Just shut your bedroom door if you don’t want intruders! X

With the exception of loos/bathrooms, if a door is closed, guests shouldn't open them. My bathroom door has a notice saying what it is, and it's the first room you come to upstairs. if I caught someone poking around in my bedroom, I'd be furious.

Clearly people have more reasonable MILs than ours OP!

The reason it feels unreasonable is because you know there's a motive.

My MIL practically begs to go in my daughter's bedroom - including the other day when we were running late for a meal.

But she's got form for nosing and snooping. Will deny it obviously! But you get the looks.

I have ADHD - private snd NHS diagnosed - but she loves to judge despite me trying SO hard.

The funniest thing was when gave me 10 mins notice to drop something off. I explained a bit messy. She did this hilariously funny walk backwards for no resson then tried to peer in the mirror so she eyeball the reflection ibto the kitchen.

That one time was so obvious I called her on it jokingly. Usually it's just darting, judging eyes.

I would not expect anyone who i've welcomed into my home to as if it's ok to use the toilet upstairs assuming it's the only toilet in the house.

I saw the title, thought that was absolutely batshit, read the op, confirmed it was batshit; so my gast is well and truly flabbered that many people agree!
I I have no desire to look in anyone's bedrooms, so the idea that people are banned/have to ask in others houses to go to a bathroom if it's upstairs is completely new to me.

"I grew up in a house where.."

Yeah well, I grew up in a house where all sorts of crazy went on, but I'm a adult now and wouldn't dream of doing half that shit.

And yes, being precious about upstairs is odd.

I’m a very private person and simply don’t like others knowing too much about me or my life. I don’t particularly have anything to hide, but I’m just private and like my privacy respected. I despise nosy people. Once, my sister visited and went into my en-suite, walking past the main bathroom to get there. She looked in the cupboards and then proceeded to question me about what was in them and why I had bought certain things. She was surprised when I challenged her on why she’d been looking in my cupboards but had to admit she wasn’t looking for anything in particular, she was just snooping. She has never been left unattended in my house again.

So rude!

Bottom line is you don’t like it and it’s your home.

I think the issue here is that because your rooms are messy - and you can live anyway you want! - is the female is judged on the mess and not the male!!

And we all know it!

Nobody has to ask to use the toilet, doubt anyone is ever told no, you can't 😂

It's just polite to say 'I'm just nipping upstairs to the loo'.

I don't see how not wanting people upstairs is batshit- why would on need to besides having a tinkle?

I think the rule on children's rooms is a bit strict but if you know your MIL is a nosy Parker then completely understandable

I hate it OP.

When I was in hospital after having my daughter, my in laws tidied my house. Lovely of them yes. But my father in law had been in my room, through my baskets/wardrobe etc. I know this because he'd been in the box that I kept special things in from my first baby who I had lost in pregnancy. It looked like it had all been thrown back in after he had a good mooch through.
He has a habit of snooping.

I have a downstairs loo so nobody needs go upstairs. And I prefer it that they don't.

I wouldnt expect my family to ask to use a toilet. I dont mind them going into my childrens rooms to fetch things etc.

I have to admit that i dont like anyone in my bedroom. My mother wouldnt go in my bedroom but my mother in law would go in an open windows when she was in my home, or decide to pop something in there. I do find it a bit intrusive.

For every person who thinks it’s odd people don’t want others in their bedrooms.

What is so important that you want to go in. The what are you hiding, well what are you looking for?

If I wanted you to see my perfume collection or undies I’d leave them out downstairs. If I had a new dress I’d bring it down if I wished to show you it.