I've be disowned - did I do something wrong?

[Drainedandhurt]

Just looking for a reality check. NC'd

My younger cousin has a 3yo toddler with his ex-gf. They broke up over a year ago. The toddler was living with his mum but she had a close bereavement that really effected her mental health and due to that the toddler was put into foster care. Myself and my DH have always been close to them all and helped with the toddler.

My cousin wanted the toddler to go and live with him. But SS had concerns due to his ADHD, he smoked weed sometimes and also his mum (now deceased) had bipolar and he grew up in a chaotic household and in and out of care. We agreed to support him if he got himself sorted, SS felt with support he could be a good dad to his DS and agreed a transition plan over several months. This gradually increased the time my cousin had with his DS and involved me being there often to start then withdrawing a bit but looking after the toddler myself to allow him to work (part time) and attend therapy/groups.

He started off really well, stopped the drugs (a drug test proved it), attended parenting courses, got everything he needed for his flat and did really well in observations with the SW and passed a parenting assessment. He reached out for help to us when we needed it.

In the background to this, the toddler's mum was now homeless and surfer surfing including at ours and needing a lot of support which SS encouraged me to give her. All fine between cousin and ex.

Then cousin's ex started seeing a man (nothing serious, just having a few dates).in all honesty she's not been this happy in a while and I've helped her to get into a shelter for homeless women and she is slowly rebuilding her life. As soon as cousin found she was seeing someone, things changed.

He screamed and shouted at me, swore at me, you name it. He send me abusive messages saying he was cutting me out of his life and I couldn't see little toddler as I was too close to 'the enemy' I was devastated. Due to continued abuse I had to block his number and tell SS about the situation. He is saying I was given the choice and I chose his ex over him and we walked away from him. Now things are uncertain for the little boy.

He has just got another family member to tell me he threw his birthday present from us in the bin - it was a canvas of him and his DS. It's all really affecting my mental health. And I keep questioning did I do something wrong?

The whole situation sounds awful. You have done the right thing informing social services. All you can do now is step back, sadly.

Do other family members know the situation? The important thing is that people are looking out for the child, who may well be better off in care.

Sometimes it is impossible to keep 'friendly' with both parties when a couple split up. I have found, from experience, that you cannot support both. After investing so much in your cousin's rehabilitation it would have made sense to put his feelings first. You cannot be everything to everyone. His ex needs to find others - friends, family, etc to support her while you concentrate on your cousin. I can understand why he felt you put her feelings over his.

Yes, but there isn't a lot of us, one aunty and grandad, few other cousins (most DC). Yes, the little boy comes first.

He was absolutely fine with us all being friendly, prior to this. SS had asked me to be the ex girlfriend's next of kin as she has noone else, they have asked me to support her as they see her welfare as effecting the DC and he comes above my cousin's hurt feelings. The ex girlfriend is young, has no family, few friends who are all young themselves. She is like a niece to me.

Nevertheless, he was absolutely fine with me and her and then as soon as he finds out about the relationship he tells me he doesn't want me in his life. And then the abuse continued. I had no say in any of this. What feelings of the ex gf did I put over his?

I can understand why he felt you put her feelings over his.

His response was way OTT though.

Threatening to stop Op seeing his son-Op being the reason that his son wasn't already in care?

Ungrateful shit!

You sound like a good person who has tried to help everyone. You've not done anything wrong but unfortunately have got caught in the middle. I would step right back. He'll either come round or he won't but nothing you can do will change things now.

You did everything right. I'm really sorry I hope SS can help facilitate you having a relationship with the kid

I honestly don't understand what feelings of hers I put over his?

I have felt so gutted because honestly I gave so much time and effort to supporting him, at meetings, appointments when toddler broke his leg, I came over whenever he phoned me, stayed over the first night he had him, looked after the toddler for him. I also bought a lot things too. And obviously I did it willingly but this feels such a slap in the face. Luckily I still see toddler at the contact centre with his mum, but it hurts to see him so little now.

He told his ex-gf that I could still look after the toddler for him, he just won't speak to me!!

@Drainedandhurt
“The road to Hell is paved with good intentions “

The bloke sounds manipulative and jealous- wanting to hurt you.

Just hope SS can keep you in the child’s life for the child’s sake.

Sounds like his parents are pretty sketchy.

Just hope the younger mum doesn’t find herself pregnant again- especially now she’s dating again.

Thank you. Yes, I am stepping right back.

Thank you. I still see the toddler at contact twice a week with his mum. His mum is hopefully going to go from strength to strength now and there has been talk of her contact going to community contact with me supervising which would be lovely to be able to go out and about more.

He told his ex-gf that I could still look after the toddler for him, he just won't speak to me!!

Oh, so you're good enough to be free childcare for him!

Maybe things will get better for his mum & you will see him more through her in future?

He's chaotic, and he doesn't take responsibility for himself or his child. But someone has to be responsible.

What you did wrong was to be there. What you can learn is not to be there again.

No good deed does unpunished OP!

Step well back from him (he’ll come crawling when he wants something off you) and continue seeing the toddler with his mum.

The mum is pretty sensible so I don't think she'll get pregnant, she is literally seeing this guy a couple of times a week to have a bit of fun, they aren't sleeping together. Hopefully she can rebuild her life and her DS can come to live with her in the future.

You were caught in the middle, trying to do what is best for the child.

If he can’t see that it benefits his child to have the child’s mother in a safe and stable situation and can only respond with anger and abuse then he is not fit to look after his child. I do hope SS continue to support you and the child’s mum and that things get better one day.

She's lucky to have you 😊

God I wish people who can barely look after themselves would stop having children. Poor thing

There are some people you just can’t help and unfortunately it sounds like he is going to throw all the good work away . I can see your point all you were trying to do was help the child have two stable parents who could eventually parent the child all though living apart and you were doing so under professional supervision . You have not done anything wrong . If it does not work out it will be his fault not yours.

There is always one.

you have done a wonderful thing, OP.
And if the little lad's mum is ok with you supporting her, and you want to, then support her. And see how it goes.

Your nephew is an idiot. Maybe he'll realise it, maybe not. But it is in the child's best interest for his parents to get their lives straight and be involved with him.

Did you even read the OP's posts?

“Has been no sort of mother" my arse, she was looking after the kid until a bereavement.

Did you miss the bit where the father was fine with the sofa-surfing and other support right up until his ex started seeing someone else?

That poor child.

The only thing I can really think is "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".

Both parents sound messed up and neither sound capable of pulling it together for their child, even though the ex seems to want to for her new boyfriend, if not for her child.

You've done nothing wrong. It sounds like he has underlying mental health difficulties. Hopefully the little boy is being monitored at home by social services