I've be disowned - did I do something wrong?

[Drainedandhurt]

Just looking for a reality check. NC'd

My younger cousin has a 3yo toddler with his ex-gf. They broke up over a year ago. The toddler was living with his mum but she had a close bereavement that really effected her mental health and due to that the toddler was put into foster care. Myself and my DH have always been close to them all and helped with the toddler.

My cousin wanted the toddler to go and live with him. But SS had concerns due to his ADHD, he smoked weed sometimes and also his mum (now deceased) had bipolar and he grew up in a chaotic household and in and out of care. We agreed to support him if he got himself sorted, SS felt with support he could be a good dad to his DS and agreed a transition plan over several months. This gradually increased the time my cousin had with his DS and involved me being there often to start then withdrawing a bit but looking after the toddler myself to allow him to work (part time) and attend therapy/groups.

He started off really well, stopped the drugs (a drug test proved it), attended parenting courses, got everything he needed for his flat and did really well in observations with the SW and passed a parenting assessment. He reached out for help to us when we needed it.

In the background to this, the toddler's mum was now homeless and surfer surfing including at ours and needing a lot of support which SS encouraged me to give her. All fine between cousin and ex.

Then cousin's ex started seeing a man (nothing serious, just having a few dates).in all honesty she's not been this happy in a while and I've helped her to get into a shelter for homeless women and she is slowly rebuilding her life. As soon as cousin found she was seeing someone, things changed.

He screamed and shouted at me, swore at me, you name it. He send me abusive messages saying he was cutting me out of his life and I couldn't see little toddler as I was too close to 'the enemy' I was devastated. Due to continued abuse I had to block his number and tell SS about the situation. He is saying I was given the choice and I chose his ex over him and we walked away from him. Now things are uncertain for the little boy.

He has just got another family member to tell me he threw his birthday present from us in the bin - it was a canvas of him and his DS. It's all really affecting my mental health. And I keep questioning did I do something wrong?

He has a child that lives with him, that he wanted to live with him. Of course he has to be better . The whole point of OP stepping in and supporting him was because he was incapable of looking after the child by himself. Which is probably why the mother had the child put in foster care(if it even was her decision) rather than live with him with no checks and no support.

She just needs to get better and be stable (emotionally ,mentally and financially) to be able to look after the child again, after all she managed it well enough for a few years before the breakdown. Her dating is irrelevant.

Exactly this OP, the guy is chaotic, might be using drugs again, not a good parent. It was always going to happen sometime. You didn't do anything wrong. The poor little boy.

I'm not defending his behaviour, but if he has ADHD, is it possible that he has Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/

If SS are wanting Op to support the mother would that be with a view to her son going back to her as she is overall a better option than his dad?

Thanks, that's really kind.

Oh, bless you, that's sweet, thank you.

I am confused by your point.

No one said he didn’t need to be better. I was talking about how he may feel. That the expectations of him are high, but his child’s mother doesn’t have any. Aside from turning up twice a week to see the child.

I don’t think her dating is irrelevant at all. But that’s my opinion. And I can bet that if someone posted that their ex said they could have their joint kids because of his poor mental health, but he was also be dating no one would be saying ‘oh he is just getting better and making himself stable’. No one would think his dating was irrelevant.

and yes, I would be pissed off if my ex was saying he couldn’t see our kids due to his mental health, but was happy dating and getting lots of support from my family. In the long run, it’s best for the child if Op can help the mum. But feelings aren’t logical. But I can see why it would bother him but his reaction is completely unacceptable.

Did you post before when SS were concerned about potential violence/abuse from him?

Seems like they might have had a good inkling about what he was really like under the surface if that was you posting - and no, you didn't do anything wrong in trying to help the toddler.

Unfortunately, he has a pattern of self sabotage. Up to that point he was doing really well. His DS was getting settled at his and now the poor thing has been disrupted again. If I had the space I'd offer to have him at mine but I don't unfortunately.

He has underlying issues and he would have snapped at some point. You were the easy target but have done the right thing.

@ProfessorXtra so if your ex had a breakdown, was deemed unfit/unsafe to look after your kids, ended up homeless and then in a homeless centre, engaged with services ,including SS and abided by their rules re contact (because she can't just have the kid back or see him whenever she wants can she?) and everything but recently went on a few dates you'd be pissed off?

And not just that you'd also be pissed off because your family member supported them (at the request of SS) so he can actually get better and be in your children's life rather than dead in a ditch or who knows where? After they supported YOU massively to even be considered as a carer for said children and enabled you to do so?

Have you even read my OP??

She has been a lovely mum throughout but unfortunately her one support (her nan) died very suddenly and it affected her terribly. She has however engaged with SS, goes to all her contacts and is now engaging with a 6 month programme to help with her mental health.

This wasn't the first time she's been on my sofa which has happened a few times when she had no where else to go as we didn't want her on the streets. This was all with the blessing of my cousin. He'd come over here when she was here to chat about things to do with their DS.

I went 'bleating' off to SS? Did you miss a transition was happening through SS? I am officially part of that plan and it would have been remiss of me not to update SS on what was happening.

I wasn't bitter just very sad but that had no effect on me speaking to SS. I still see the little boy through his mum.

And no, insomnia is not caused solely by doing something wrong - what a strange comment!!

@Babsexxx

when people are not in the wrong they sleep well at night.

So only people with a guilty conscience suffer with insomnia? Really?

What a bizarre and ridiculous thing to suggest.

You sound so decent & compassionate.

After all you've done, you definitely don't deserve his reaction or some of the responses on this thread.

At the end of the day I just wanted both of them happy and settled so they could be the best parents to their DS. I don't need praise, my reward was the privilege of getting to spend time with the little boy.

I think I'm going to frame this as a version of self sabotage to help me process it and move on. I'm very sorry for everything he has been through as a child but it doesn't mean he has the right to abuse me now.

How did the child’s leg get broken?

i hope you can continue seeing this child, OP, it looks to me as if you are the one dependable person in his life at the moment. Kudos to you.

The dad was managing to pull it together, but unfortunately it seems to have fallen apart again.

My cousin's ex is working really hard to pull it together for child. The man she is seeing is neither here nor there. I have referred to him as 'boyfriend' for clarity, but they are not actually calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend yet. He is only young and still living at home. It is not a serious relationship but it has injected a bit of fun into her life which she really needed.

Yes, I think he probably does. He has been having therapy but I think he needs more.

The little boy is still in foster care. He was transitioning to his dad's but that has been paused now.

Yes I would be unhappy if my ex wasn’t well enough to look after his own child but well enough to go out and date. And I don’t believe if it was the father doing this there would be any sympathy.

You obviously wouldn’t mind. But I can see how that would be annoying.

and again, if a family member was helping me out I would be grateful and wouldn’t be screaming at them. However, I think I would find it really difficult with them giving help to my ex as well. But I would suck it up if it’s best for my child. As I said, I don’t think his reaction is ok.

But I can see a situation where it bothers him. We are all different. I can understand him being bothered. You can’t.

There’s obviously lots left out here. Most mothers, if they felt they could cope and felt the other parent was in any way decent would send the child to live with father. The fact that she can only see the child twice a week in a contact centre, suggests it’s not just a breakdown and not being able to cope. There’s huge concerns.

I think op was put in an impossible situation. And let down hugely by ss.

Perhaps it was? I was told the transition was to see if he could be a dad to the little boy and I was there as a safety net. Unfortunately, that safety net has gone now so SS need to reconsider.

What if you had to go into hospital? MH can affect anyone, mums included.

I'm glad you find this situation comical, it's not so comical for the little boy.

She's not 'getting her leg over' she's just going out a couple of times a week to have a bit of fun. After losing your one family member, being hospitalised, losing your DC and being homeless, I think she deserves a little fun. She has worked so hard to get to where she is, you have no idea.

Clearly you thought happy, healthy mother with functioning life = better for the little boy, so you supported whatever happened in that direction. I think you did the right thing. Clearly your cousin is too selfish to think the same way.

YANBU. You sound lovely OP.

With that level of paranoia I”ll bet you a steak dinner OP that he’s using drugs again.

I know, it's appalling. She found it difficult when they broke up and he just said he wanted her to get over him etc. What I find unforgivable is she's worked so hard to get where she is and is doing really well to the point of her self esteem having increased to the level she has actually started going out again and he's now being horrible and abusive to her when she has done nothing wrong except move on from him.

And yes, he should be so happy things are coming together for her. It's a good thing for his DS.