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Original poster

I've be disowned - did I do something wrong?

152 replies

Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 13:39

Just looking for a reality check. NC'd

My younger cousin has a 3yo toddler with his ex-gf. They broke up over a year ago. The toddler was living with his mum but she had a close bereavement that really effected her mental health and due to that the toddler was put into foster care. Myself and my DH have always been close to them all and helped with the toddler.

My cousin wanted the toddler to go and live with him. But SS had concerns due to his ADHD, he smoked weed sometimes and also his mum (now deceased) had bipolar and he grew up in a chaotic household and in and out of care. We agreed to support him if he got himself sorted, SS felt with support he could be a good dad to his DS and agreed a transition plan over several months. This gradually increased the time my cousin had with his DS and involved me being there often to start then withdrawing a bit but looking after the toddler myself to allow him to work (part time) and attend therapy/groups.

He started off really well, stopped the drugs (a drug test proved it), attended parenting courses, got everything he needed for his flat and did really well in observations with the SW and passed a parenting assessment. He reached out for help to us when we needed it.

In the background to this, the toddler's mum was now homeless and surfer surfing including at ours and needing a lot of support which SS encouraged me to give her. All fine between cousin and ex.

Then cousin's ex started seeing a man (nothing serious, just having a few dates).in all honesty she's not been this happy in a while and I've helped her to get into a shelter for homeless women and she is slowly rebuilding her life. As soon as cousin found she was seeing someone, things changed.

He screamed and shouted at me, swore at me, you name it. He send me abusive messages saying he was cutting me out of his life and I couldn't see little toddler as I was too close to 'the enemy' I was devastated. Due to continued abuse I had to block his number and tell SS about the situation. He is saying I was given the choice and I chose his ex over him and we walked away from him. Now things are uncertain for the little boy.

He has just got another family member to tell me he threw his birthday present from us in the bin - it was a canvas of him and his DS. It's all really affecting my mental health. And I keep questioning did I do something wrong?

OP posts:
Whichwhatnow · 01/06/2023 17:49

You haven't done anything wrong OP. You're doing the best thing for your cousin's child. My brother had a terrible breakup with his ex when their DD was a toddler (she cheated on him) but we've all (brother included) managed to maintain friendly relations to the point she comes over for Christmas, BBQs, family dinners etc and even came to my brother's wedding. Because it's best for my niece and that's the most important thing! Luckily everyone in my family is a grown up. Sorry to hear your cousin is not but I hope you can keep supporting his ex and their DD regardless.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/06/2023 17:49

@Drainedandhurt out of curiosity, before all this started what kind of a parent was he to his child? Did he pay regular maintenance? Regular contact, involved in his life etc?

Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 17:55

Babsexxx · 01/06/2023 15:57

I get that but also it doesn’t look brilliant does it??? Op hasn’t stated exactly what the mum has gone through to help her reunite with the toddler yes mh is horrible I’m not disputing that BUT how you get help and heal yourself particularly when you have a dependant is crucial and in the grand scheme of things dating would absolutely be the last thing on my mind….mh or not.

She is young and actually being able to do some normal things young people do is important for her mental health. Parents are allowed to have some fun. From speaking to the staff at her new house, they see it as part of their recovery. I mean I agree a serious relationship would not be advisable at this stage but that isn't what's happening.

OP posts:
TheGander · 01/06/2023 17:55

Never let a kind act go unpunished 😟.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/06/2023 18:04

@ProfessorXtra

There’s obviously lots left out here. Most mothers, if they felt they could cope and felt the other parent was in any way decent would send the child to live with father. The fact that she can only see the child twice a week in a contact centre, suggests it’s not just a breakdown and not being able to cope. There’s huge concerns.

  1. He was not a decent father though. If he was , he wouldn't have had so many caveats and OP wouldn't have been required to offer so much support and be part of a plan.
  1. Not being able to cope is a huge concern. Maybe you don't have much experience with mental health illnesses. Being the sole carer of a very young child on your own means you need to be awake,up ,aware,alert at all time and able to make rational,sometimes on the spot decisions. These things are very difficult if you can't get out of bed, if you're having a psychotic episode, if you're suicidal, if your meds knock you out or affect your ability to function , if you're hospitalised because of it (like the cousin's ex was ) and so on.

I've seen it happen quite a few times to decent ,nice parents. People that had actually been good,decent parents for years with no concerns, but a prolonged serious mental health episode meant they could barely function as a human being , much less as a parent.

I wonder if she would've ended so bad/hospitalised if she had been awarded all the support this man had. Free childcare so she can work, attend therapy and support groups, parenting courses ,support in the home etc.

Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:06

Ponoka7 · 01/06/2023 16:05

I think that SS has let you down tbh. Normally you support one side or the other, you've been put in the middle by them. They both haven't been ready for a baby, he's still very immature. Which is why SS look to find someone who can rise above what's going on, put good boundaries in place and act in the best interests of the child. SS should have put the support in place that you gave. I doubt that there is anywhere to go with this. Has she disclosed everything to her new bf? Your safeguarding antenna should be up because often men look for vulnerability. I'd try to make amends with him and put boundaries in place with her, she isn't your niece and the norm would be for her to get pregnant, unfortunately. Don't give more than you can easily manage.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. When you say about putting someone in place to act in the best interests of the child - do you mean a professional? On the ground there is the little boy's SW and there's a guardian too, but do you mean someone more involved than that?

I think I ended up in the middle as cousin's ex has literally noone else. But maybe SS have been at fault there.

I'm not sure what you mean by has she disclosed everything to her bf? You mean that she has a DC? My safeguarding antenna has been up. I've met the young man on a number of occasions and comes across respectable and polite. He is of the same age as her. They seem to just have a fun, light relationship. They go out to eat or round a friend"s house. I have spoken to her about contraception, she says they are not sleeping together. I don't think she would like about that and honestly, he can't go to his house, she's not been to his as it's early days to meet the parents.

My cousin is being so abusive I've had to block him. So will have to see how it goes, but I did give an olive branch and suggested we go for coffee but after the last abusive phone call I just couldn't take it anymore.

Unfortunately, giving too much is a fault of mine. I've had to really assess that recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:09

Calmdown14 · 01/06/2023 16:07

Ultimately having a stable mother will benefit the toddler more than anything else you can do.
Helping her to life her life properly is beneficial all round.

From what you have written, your cousin was only able because you propped him up. The wheels were always going to come off at some point. It's probably better now while the child won't remember it.

I think that is what SS are questioning now. They are wondering if he would have made it this far without me. Ultimately, he would need to be able to manage alone. I'm not sure what the next step for them will be.

OP posts:
Batalax · 01/06/2023 18:10

I hope it works out well for the little boy. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. It would be much worse had the boy already moved in with his dad, or if dad fell apart at some other perceived injustice.

Batalax · 01/06/2023 18:12

X post

Wheresthebeach · 01/06/2023 18:14

Well clearly your cousin has massive anger issues, and I think there will be questions asked about his behaviour by SS. He's clearly not putting his DS first, and he should at minimum coped with you helping out the mother of his child.

You have to stay away now, you can't do anything to help, and he's clearly unstable and aggressive. It's a terrible shame.

Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:16

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 01/06/2023 16:09

Reading between the lines, the bereavement affected the mother badly enough for her to lose her home. OP says that the mother now has no next of kin, so no surviving parents. Perhaps it was her last surviving relative who died? She's moved past the bereavement enough to try to get her accommodation sorted out, which she will need before she can apply for even part-time custody of the child. The reason that she cannot care for her child is lack of housing at this point.

She's not "getting her leg over", the OP hs said explicitly that she is dating a man but not having sex. Social contact is good for mental health and it is unfair and misinformed to criticise the.mother for doing something that makes her feel better.

I wish Mumsnet HQ would have some kind of mandatory reading comprehension test that users have to pass before they can create an account.

Show quote history

You're spot on. It was her only relative - her nan. Once she has completed this programme she will be able to get her own flat and hopefully be in a strong place mentally. She will then be in a good place to get her DS back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:18

Morechocmorechoc · 01/06/2023 16:10

You've gone way above and beyond with the help you've given. Honestly I don't think the kid should be anywhere near his dad. Not enough info re mum but she will struggle with the dad as well so I guess it's probably best the kid ends up with a new family and a normal life before he gets too old and this all impacts him greatly.

It's felt that the little boy has such a strong bond with his parents that adoption is not being considered.

I mean whatever has happened with my cousin, he was doing really well with his DS.

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 01/06/2023 18:19

It sounds like you got yourself a little too involved, epseically with his ex. You can't be there for everyone and not expect hurt feelings. Especially when there is a break up and new partners and all the other factors at play here.

Given all she has going on she would have been better to focus on getting herself healthy and getting more contact with her child vs a new relationship but it sounds like the child just isn't her priority.

At least your cousin has been trying and putting effort in and stepping up. At this point, he and SS can figure out if he can do it with the support he has on or on his own. You need to back out and not be so involved in other people's lives. You can be helpful without getting this entrenched.

Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:21

Ponoka7 · 01/06/2023 16:10

It is good that you've reported the whole thing, the most dangerous thing in a vulnerable woman's and child's life, is a new stepfather.

Yes, I'm aware of that absolutely. I can guarantee that once the DS's mum got a flat if she moved a man in, they would not allow the little boy to go back to her. But that is not where this is going. It's not a serious relationship, they are young and not looking for commitment or settling down. The mum knows her DS is her priority.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:23

Strawberrydelight78 · 01/06/2023 16:12

Sounds like he's jealous his ex has moved on and is happy. Is he saying he's never going to get into another relationship?

He's actually bemoaned that he's not in a relationship and we've repeatedly told him he has plenty of time for that and to focus on his DS. Which to be fair he has. He's just jealous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:25

Ponoka7 · 01/06/2023 16:12

The child is now passed the age were attachment issues wouldn't be created if the father lost residency. There would be long term mental health damage. You aren't rehoming a puppy.

Show quote history

This will all be affecting the poor little thing, unfortunately. I just hope he can be settled as soon as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:26

saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/06/2023 16:18

I don’t think anyone here is covered in glory. That poor kid

Could you elaborate?

OP posts:
ProfessorXtra · 01/06/2023 18:31

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/06/2023 18:04

@ProfessorXtra

There’s obviously lots left out here. Most mothers, if they felt they could cope and felt the other parent was in any way decent would send the child to live with father. The fact that she can only see the child twice a week in a contact centre, suggests it’s not just a breakdown and not being able to cope. There’s huge concerns.

  1. He was not a decent father though. If he was , he wouldn't have had so many caveats and OP wouldn't have been required to offer so much support and be part of a plan.
  1. Not being able to cope is a huge concern. Maybe you don't have much experience with mental health illnesses. Being the sole carer of a very young child on your own means you need to be awake,up ,aware,alert at all time and able to make rational,sometimes on the spot decisions. These things are very difficult if you can't get out of bed, if you're having a psychotic episode, if you're suicidal, if your meds knock you out or affect your ability to function , if you're hospitalised because of it (like the cousin's ex was ) and so on.

I've seen it happen quite a few times to decent ,nice parents. People that had actually been good,decent parents for years with no concerns, but a prolonged serious mental health episode meant they could barely function as a human being , much less as a parent.

I wonder if she would've ended so bad/hospitalised if she had been awarded all the support this man had. Free childcare so she can work, attend therapy and support groups, parenting courses ,support in the home etc.

Exactly, there’s obviously stuff we don’t know.

She has had the support he had. The Op is supporting her. And she now has the support of SS. How were they meant to support her before? He has got the support since. Not before her breakdown. Now they are both getting support.

I am very familiar with parents with mental illness. Thanks. Yes she was hospitalised. But now is much better but still only allowed 2 visits a week.

However, I can see how he is frustrated. Again, his reaction is not ok. Op has been put in the middle The fact that you can’t see why it may cause problems, isn’t something I can help.

I can see how complex the situation is and how feelings can come into being. Though his reaction is unacceptable. Wether they are logical or not.

But at the centre of it all is a child still in foster care. Being able to understand and empathise how someone could feel a certain way doesn’t mean you think their reaction is correct.

Blueblell · 01/06/2023 18:32

I don’t think you did anything wrong and actually if you can help the boys mum get back on her feet it may be that she can reunite with her son. The bigger picture is the sons welfare and at least one stable parent is what he needs. It sounds like your cousin may not be capable of parenting the child alone without lots of support. It sounds a difficult situation but you find yourself having to choose which one to be supportive of with the ultimate goal for you being the welfare of the child.

ProfessorXtra · 01/06/2023 18:33

Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:23

He's actually bemoaned that he's not in a relationship and we've repeatedly told him he has plenty of time for that and to focus on his DS. Which to be fair he has. He's just jealous.

Show quote history

But can you see how he may find this hypocritical. You told him he has time for that and should focus on the child. But think it’s great she is casually dating and fully supportive of her doing that?

His behaviour was awful. And you didn’t deserve it. But I can see where his feelings may have started

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/06/2023 18:33

Freefall212 · 01/06/2023 18:19

It sounds like you got yourself a little too involved, epseically with his ex. You can't be there for everyone and not expect hurt feelings. Especially when there is a break up and new partners and all the other factors at play here.

Given all she has going on she would have been better to focus on getting herself healthy and getting more contact with her child vs a new relationship but it sounds like the child just isn't her priority.

At least your cousin has been trying and putting effort in and stepping up. At this point, he and SS can figure out if he can do it with the support he has on or on his own. You need to back out and not be so involved in other people's lives. You can be helpful without getting this entrenched.

Because sitting in a room ,in a homeless shelter all alone focusing on the things she's lost and how bad her life is now through no fault of her own would be so beneficial for her recovery? The risk of significant deterioration and relapse gets higher when people are isolated,lonely, with nothing (or very little) to bring them hope or happiness or some relief or a sense of normalcy or something to look forward to. She's not exactly living the life of Riley, swanning off on dates and partying it up only dropping by to see her child whenever it suits her is she?

Also, OP didn't involve herself in this off her own bat. The dad wouldn't have been able to have his son without her and her involvement was part of SS's plan. SS also advised her to support the mother. This was (rightly or wrongly) the advice given by professionals in order to best support this child .

Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:33

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/06/2023 16:21

Is there talk of shared custody or the child living back with his mum once she is better? How did she become the "enemy"?

Or is this fuelled purely by jealousy?

You did the right thing to inform SS, as it seems that it's in the terms of his arrangements to be supported by you. If he is cutting contact then that changes the terms of the arrangement, plus his spitefulness and reckless attitude (he wouldn't even have a child to look after if it wasn't for all your help and support) can be a red flag.

Let him cool off ,be there for the child but distance yourself from your cousin. He'll never give you the respect and gratitude one would expect after everything you've done for him as it's all about him and his wants and needs.

Privately the mum and dad spoke of shared custody as their goal for the future. As currently mum can't look after the child she was happy for him going to his dad's and supported as much as she could. SS spoke of more contact for mum as her mental health improved with the option of her going back to court in the future for shared custody.

She became the enemy purely because he spotted her getting into a young man's car. They were amicable prior to that.

I had no choice but to tell SS that I couldn't continue my role in the transition plan. I hope one day my cousin will understand I only wanted to support them for their own and their DS's sake. I was following the plan from SS. I know it's hard to see an ex move on, but I thought he'd really grown up recently, but clearly not enough.

OP posts:
Ijustneedtime · 01/06/2023 18:38

Honestly i am afraid that the mum is putting custody at risk while starting this new relationship.
I do understand she is young and all but this screams red flag.

Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:42

sandyhappypeople · 01/06/2023 16:21

He sounds awful, but somewhere in there he may feel like you're setting up the ExG to take the child away from him, without being able to see just how much you've helped him to get where he is, I can understand how he could see that as a betrayal even though it is completely unjustified.

All I would say is you need to stay completely neutral, please don't accept any messages through his ExG about things he's supposedly said and vice versa, that isn't going to help anyone and it will give them both the chance to put their own spin on it to further their own agenda, then you'll somehow end up as the bad person.

I'd only take something as gospel if you've been told it yourself by the person it involves.

Thanks for your reply. I hadn't really considered that. But honestly the plan was for the DC to live with him, at that point she can't just 'take him away' even if she wanted to. I wish if he had these thoughts he'd just spoken to me about them calmly.

When I'm with the ex-gf we don't really speak about him, we mainly speak about our children. I have witnessed him speaking to her on the phone. But the only messages I have had is from our aunty who he has asked to pass on things to me. But yes, staying neutral is important, I have always tried to. Probably not always successfully.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:43

MayThe4th · 01/06/2023 16:23

Honestly the child would be better off being placed for adoption.

His father is an abusive junky, if he can go off on one like that at the OP he’s capable of doing that to a child, and that’s before we get to his drug use etc.

we don’t know all the details about the mother but you don’t end up having your children removed and having supervised contact only if you’ve suffered a bereavement. There’s obviously more to that than possibly even the OP knows.

She had a breakdown due to the bereavement and wasn't successfully meeting her DC's needs.

OP posts: