I've be disowned - did I do something wrong?

[Drainedandhurt]

Just looking for a reality check. NC'd

My younger cousin has a 3yo toddler with his ex-gf. They broke up over a year ago. The toddler was living with his mum but she had a close bereavement that really effected her mental health and due to that the toddler was put into foster care. Myself and my DH have always been close to them all and helped with the toddler.

My cousin wanted the toddler to go and live with him. But SS had concerns due to his ADHD, he smoked weed sometimes and also his mum (now deceased) had bipolar and he grew up in a chaotic household and in and out of care. We agreed to support him if he got himself sorted, SS felt with support he could be a good dad to his DS and agreed a transition plan over several months. This gradually increased the time my cousin had with his DS and involved me being there often to start then withdrawing a bit but looking after the toddler myself to allow him to work (part time) and attend therapy/groups.

He started off really well, stopped the drugs (a drug test proved it), attended parenting courses, got everything he needed for his flat and did really well in observations with the SW and passed a parenting assessment. He reached out for help to us when we needed it.

In the background to this, the toddler's mum was now homeless and surfer surfing including at ours and needing a lot of support which SS encouraged me to give her. All fine between cousin and ex.

Then cousin's ex started seeing a man (nothing serious, just having a few dates).in all honesty she's not been this happy in a while and I've helped her to get into a shelter for homeless women and she is slowly rebuilding her life. As soon as cousin found she was seeing someone, things changed.

He screamed and shouted at me, swore at me, you name it. He send me abusive messages saying he was cutting me out of his life and I couldn't see little toddler as I was too close to 'the enemy' I was devastated. Due to continued abuse I had to block his number and tell SS about the situation. He is saying I was given the choice and I chose his ex over him and we walked away from him. Now things are uncertain for the little boy.

He has just got another family member to tell me he threw his birthday present from us in the bin - it was a canvas of him and his DS. It's all really affecting my mental health. And I keep questioning did I do something wrong?

Sounds like SW made a very bad call; they should have put the child's security first . Expecting third parties to prop up a manchild was doomed from the outset.

Yeah and bereavement is a awful thing but fuck me itd never ever cost me having custody of my kid, so she’s not bereaved enough to get her leg over but too bereaved to take care of her kid? LOL

Sometimes people do have breakdowns. They deserve help and support not condemnation

He has mental health problems. There's a reason why SS were cautious about him having custody of his son. People with MH issues don't always respond predictably or consistently in situations. This might end up being the pattern of his son's life, unpredictable anger. Or it might not.
All you can do is to keep communicating as best you can and leave all lines of communication open between you for when he decides to change his mind. Which he most probably will.

It must be awful to find that one of your own family is the kind of abusive jealous sociopath who has an absolute meltdown at the idea of a woman who he still thinks of as "his" despite the relationship being O-V-E-R daring to date someone else. Because that's what his little tantrum is all about.

You are absolutely right that a well-housed mother makes for a healthy child. It's a shame that the child's father's jealousy blinds him to that.

I get that but also it doesn’t look brilliant does it??? Op hasn’t stated exactly what the mum has gone through to help her reunite with the toddler yes mh is horrible I’m not disputing that BUT how you get help and heal yourself particularly when you have a dependant is crucial and in the grand scheme of things dating would absolutely be the last thing on my mind….mh or not.

I think that SS has let you down tbh. Normally you support one side or the other, you've been put in the middle by them. They both haven't been ready for a baby, he's still very immature. Which is why SS look to find someone who can rise above what's going on, put good boundaries in place and act in the best interests of the child. SS should have put the support in place that you gave. I doubt that there is anywhere to go with this. Has she disclosed everything to her new bf? Your safeguarding antenna should be up because often men look for vulnerability. I'd try to make amends with him and put boundaries in place with her, she isn't your niece and the norm would be for her to get pregnant, unfortunately. Don't give more than you can easily manage.

Ultimately having a stable mother will benefit the toddler more than anything else you can do.
Helping her to life her life properly is beneficial all round.

From what you have written, your cousin was only able because you propped him up. The wheels were always going to come off at some point. It's probably better now while the child won't remember it.

Reading between the lines, the bereavement affected the mother badly enough for her to lose her home. OP says that the mother now has no next of kin, so no surviving parents. Perhaps it was her last surviving relative who died? She's moved past the bereavement enough to try to get her accommodation sorted out, which she will need before she can apply for even part-time custody of the child. The reason that she cannot care for her child is lack of housing at this point.

She's not "getting her leg over", the OP hs said explicitly that she is dating a man but not having sex. Social contact is good for mental health and it is unfair and misinformed to criticise the.mother for doing something that makes her feel better.

I wish Mumsnet HQ would have some kind of mandatory reading comprehension test that users have to pass before they can create an account.

You've gone way above and beyond with the help you've given. Honestly I don't think the kid should be anywhere near his dad. Not enough info re mum but she will struggle with the dad as well so I guess it's probably best the kid ends up with a new family and a normal life before he gets too old and this all impacts him greatly.

It is good that you've reported the whole thing, the most dangerous thing in a vulnerable woman's and child's life, is a new stepfather.

Sounds like he's jealous his ex has moved on and is happy. Is he saying he's never going to get into another relationship?

The child is now passed the age were attachment issues wouldn't be created if the father lost residency. There would be long term mental health damage. You aren't rehoming a puppy.

I don’t think anyone here is covered in glory. That poor kid

Is there talk of shared custody or the child living back with his mum once she is better? How did she become the "enemy"?

Or is this fuelled purely by jealousy?

You did the right thing to inform SS, as it seems that it's in the terms of his arrangements to be supported by you. If he is cutting contact then that changes the terms of the arrangement, plus his spitefulness and reckless attitude (he wouldn't even have a child to look after if it wasn't for all your help and support) can be a red flag.

Let him cool off ,be there for the child but distance yourself from your cousin. He'll never give you the respect and gratitude one would expect after everything you've done for him as it's all about him and his wants and needs.

He sounds awful, but somewhere in there he may feel like you're setting up the ExG to take the child away from him, without being able to see just how much you've helped him to get where he is, I can understand how he could see that as a betrayal even though it is completely unjustified.

All I would say is you need to stay completely neutral, please don't accept any messages through his ExG about things he's supposedly said and vice versa, that isn't going to help anyone and it will give them both the chance to put their own spin on it to further their own agenda, then you'll somehow end up as the bad person.

I'd only take something as gospel if you've been told it yourself by the person it involves.

Honestly the child would be better off being placed for adoption.

His father is an abusive junky, if he can go off on one like that at the OP he’s capable of doing that to a child, and that’s before we get to his drug use etc.

we don’t know all the details about the mother but you don’t end up having your children removed and having supervised contact only if you’ve suffered a bereavement. There’s obviously more to that than possibly even the OP knows.

As adults we all look to our childhood experience to comfort us when things are upsetting or traumatic. Think about how snuggling up with an old book, rewatching an old film, having a bubble bath or tucking down into bed feel.

When children have grown up in chaotic, unstable, difficult circumstances it is very very hard for them as adults to stop themselves recreating that chaotic world when things are difficult or stressful. Unless your nephew has had a lot of counselling he’s unlikely to be aware of the pattern but your description of everything going really well and then blowing up feels very like this.

I’d recommend having a Google around this to understand a bit more what is happening with your nephew. It’s often described as self sabotage in writing online.

If you think that you are able to, you could consider offering to start babysitting again. And then see whether it’s possible to rebuild the relationship from there. I wonder whether going forwards you, he and mum could work out a contact schedule for the child so that your time is less vulnerable to fall outs etc.

Agree with this. Shocked by these comments i think the op was very out of order.

That poor little boy, I’m glad he has you and your DH as a constant in his life. I hope his future is much brighter with his mum.

I know none of us know what is coming and life can change in an instant but don’t people consider their current/ongoing mental, physical and financial health before deciding to have kids?

@Drainedandhurt your cousin's issues may make life harder for him but ADHD doesn't give him an excuse to be an arsehole and that is exactly what he is.

He is so jealous and controlling, he cannot abide his poor former partner moving on and being happy. AND instead of taking out his pathetic little boy feelings on her (because he can't) he used you as his emotional punching bag. Let that sink in.

After everything you did for him, that is how little he regards you.

Block him, cut him off and don't give him access to you again. He is a user who takes from those around him and gives heehaw back.

Focus on the new family you are creating with your nephew and his mum who IS showing you appreciation by working hard to get her life together and spending time with you without expecting anything back.

You can't choose your family but you can choose how you interact with them and sometimes blood relatives are dicks.

You sounds like a really lovely person, OP. I'd want you in my corner if I were a child.

The bereavement was the catalyst for the mum's breakdown.

In the span of a year , she had a relationship end , and who knows how that went given this man's volatile behaviour and drug use at the time, had a 2 yo to look after (possibly with no help) and had a very close bereavement (by the sound of it the last surviving parent/caregiver figure). So she had a breakdown , lost her home etc. Of course that would mean SS involvement and even foster care because mum wasn't able to care for the child. Just like they would if mum was severely ill/in hospital and no one else available to care for them.

I think this is very complex situation with very complex individuals and even SS has let them down.

You say the mum won’t get pregnant because she is sensible. And yet had a baby with your cousin who is incapable of being a parent in his own right. That wasn’t sensible and she may find herself in this position again. You have no clue if she is sleeping with the man she is dating.

Adhd and a mother with bi polar, doesn’t make SS decide your own child can’t come live with you. Or even being in and out of care, doesn’t stop them allowing the child to live with you.

Why was foster care picked? When she decided she couldn’t cope why not just send the child to live with their father rather than foster care. I think there’s far more to this.

SS really expected you to support 2 adults with a range of different issues, including drugs and homelessness, to be be better parents? If so they really let you down.

I think if I were him I would be pissed off. Tbh. I was making lots of effort and the effort she was making was including dating so she could have some fun? His reaction was awful though.

I think he might feel you are supporting him to be better but supporting her to just do what she wants.

I know, I was astounded with that comment! I honestly have no idea what is going through his head.

And yes, I hope so.