I've be disowned - did I do something wrong?

[Drainedandhurt]

Just looking for a reality check. NC'd

My younger cousin has a 3yo toddler with his ex-gf. They broke up over a year ago. The toddler was living with his mum but she had a close bereavement that really effected her mental health and due to that the toddler was put into foster care. Myself and my DH have always been close to them all and helped with the toddler.

My cousin wanted the toddler to go and live with him. But SS had concerns due to his ADHD, he smoked weed sometimes and also his mum (now deceased) had bipolar and he grew up in a chaotic household and in and out of care. We agreed to support him if he got himself sorted, SS felt with support he could be a good dad to his DS and agreed a transition plan over several months. This gradually increased the time my cousin had with his DS and involved me being there often to start then withdrawing a bit but looking after the toddler myself to allow him to work (part time) and attend therapy/groups.

He started off really well, stopped the drugs (a drug test proved it), attended parenting courses, got everything he needed for his flat and did really well in observations with the SW and passed a parenting assessment. He reached out for help to us when we needed it.

In the background to this, the toddler's mum was now homeless and surfer surfing including at ours and needing a lot of support which SS encouraged me to give her. All fine between cousin and ex.

Then cousin's ex started seeing a man (nothing serious, just having a few dates).in all honesty she's not been this happy in a while and I've helped her to get into a shelter for homeless women and she is slowly rebuilding her life. As soon as cousin found she was seeing someone, things changed.

He screamed and shouted at me, swore at me, you name it. He send me abusive messages saying he was cutting me out of his life and I couldn't see little toddler as I was too close to 'the enemy' I was devastated. Due to continued abuse I had to block his number and tell SS about the situation. He is saying I was given the choice and I chose his ex over him and we walked away from him. Now things are uncertain for the little boy.

He has just got another family member to tell me he threw his birthday present from us in the bin - it was a canvas of him and his DS. It's all really affecting my mental health. And I keep questioning did I do something wrong?

It really is. We were all so hopeful he could do it. And he really did make the effort, when it was a very steep learning curve for him. But it was obviously too much in the end. I just hope the next decisions made about this little boy are right. My cousin still believes he may get his DS if the decision is made to ''unpause' the transition .

Thanks for your comment. I have to admit, this is a fault of mine, I just want to swoop in and make everything alright and it is hard to accept that you can't always make everything ok.

The child absolutely is her priority. Her days are filled with doing things to improve her lot, and lots of empty time missing her DS. Her highlights are the days she sees her son. She has been in tears every bank holiday (3 bloody times this month) as it means no contact. She spends time planning activities for him, buying him clothes and anything he needs. She talks only of him. She has done so well, it looks like contact will move to the community soon. She has finally got her self esteem to a place where she can meet friends a couple of times a week.

And yes my cousin has been doing really well. But you have to remember I was involved on SS's request. The biggest barrier now to the transition plan being 'unpaused' is there is no support now, 'a safety net' as SS describe this.

No, she had no where near the support my cousin has had. Not from us or from professionals. The DS was not removed immediately, she could have been supported more. She'd also been moved away so we couldn't support as much. My cousin has had me or a SW or other professional around there about half the time.

If you are familiar with contact centres you would know space is very limited. Seeing a toddler twice a week is very normal. The reason this hasn't moved to community contact as yet when it will increase is because the little boy was being settled at his dad's, he needed to be spending a lot of his time there to get used to it. All very normal.

But yes it is a very complex situation as well as having 2 parents with complex backgrounds. It was never going to be easy. But let's hope the final outcome is a good one for the little boy.

Thank you, that gives me some clarity.

What you have to remember is what an enormously steep learning curve this all was for him. He had so much to learn, I can't tell you and it was unbelievably challenging for him. He was transitioning to his DS living with him full time for the first time. He absolutely had no time for dating of any sort, imho. He did bring it up with the SW who actually had no problem with him dating, actually, as long as noone new was brought into his DS's life for the first 6 months. We had to explain to him that once he'd put his DS down for the night it wasn't the end of parenting. He might wake up, he might be unsettled, he might be ill etc. We offered to babysit once a week so he could go out. But at the point we were telling him to concentrate on his DC he was still transitioning.

The mum's situation is completely different. She has a lot of free time on her hands and her seeing friends is a positive. She already knows how to parent, she has no choice but to only see her DS for a short time. It is better for her to have some time enjoying herself than stuck in her room, missing her little boy.

But the whole point is he never discussed any of this with me. I never had a chance to comment on what I thought about her dating. He has no idea of my opinion. Everything was fine between us and between my cousin and his ex. We'd all spent an afternoon together. A few days later he sees her getting into a car with friends including 2 males. Next thing she's the enemy and he doesn't want me in his life anymore.

Exactly this. She was so isolated and so lonely for so long. Yes, we support her but it's good for her to be with people her own age sometimes. When she started seeing some friends it lifted her mood so much. Think what it must be like to look after your DC 24/7 and then he's gone.

She will definitely need to be cautious. She needs to take it very slowly which afaik she is. They're not official bf/gf yet, they were just friends for a few months before they started dating and she has no plans for this. She is absolutely not looking at a serious relationship or once she has her own flat, anyone moving in.

My cousin did bring up dating with his DS's SW. She said they wouldn't have a problem with him dating as long as noone new was brought into the little boy's life for at least 6 months. I assume this would be their stipulation for the mum too. Although, I don't think she would move anyone in for much longer. She likes seeing friends but she likes her own space. Her and my cousin didn't live together despite being together for 3 years plus.

Mum is early twenties and dad late twenties.

That's so sweet of you, thank you.

As I've explained, I follow what the professionals say. SS have no problem with casual dating. The homeless programme see it as a positive for her mental health. And I agree.

My concern is this little boy!! He is the reason for everything, surely you can understand that? It doesn't matter which adult gets hurt feelings, it matter that this gorgeous boy is settled in a happy home as soon as possible. My cousin has thrown that away. Quite honestly, who gives a fuck about who got into who's car and who got the most support from us, who we care about more...put the DC first!!

You don’t have to convince me of anything. My opinion is that none of this is ok and nobody is a hero here.

The biggest thing is that this boy isn’t settled in a happy home and is not likely to be for the foreseeable future. But sure it’s great she’s going shopping and dating while living in a homeless shelter and it’s peachy that that he’s in over his head. Super that your upset about a picture… and I won’t even comment on SS allowing this poor kid to be stuck in the middle of all of this.

YANBU OP

I had a family member who had SS involvement after the breakdown of her marriage. She never lost custody/residency of her DC but SS did say it was ok for her to casually date to help her MH as long as it was done away from her DC. She didn't date but just knowing it was ok made her feel better.

I do think trying to sit on both sides once a relationship has broken down, and to do it fairly, is always going to be challenging. I think your DN is totally over-reacting- and the “letting you look after his son when he wants” even if he won’t speak to you is utterly ridiculous- but I do see how he could feel that you’ve prioritised his ex-gf over him. Of course, a more mature man would have balanced that against the help and support you’ve given and talked it through with you.

overall, I think this is a complicated situation and I do think social services were not entirely correct to encourage you to try and be the “family” support for both of them. There was always the possibility of that putting you in that position would lead to problems (both for you and them, or at least your ability to support both of them) if there was ever disagreement/fall out between your nephew and his ex-girlfriend. You were always at risk of being asked to take one side or the other in the event of issues between them. This in turn makes it hard to support both as you have been asked/intended.

Whilst I’m not sure you were wrong, exactly, and your nephew is absolutely not behaving well- I can see reasons why he might be upset. He’s not right in his reaction or how he has treated you- not defending that- but I do see why it could have come about. Yes, his ex-GF was always going to move on, and he has no say in that- but it maybe he’s still hurt by it? Then he discovers that you knew before he did and said nothing (again, I understand why- you might have felt that it was not your place to share if she didn’t want you to), and that could sting. You’re his family and it might feel as if you put her first.

Maybe he feels you are supporting her in developing a new relationship, which is the first step in moving on and perhaps eventually “taking his son away” from him? (again, I’m not saying these thoughts are correct or his abusive reaction reasonable).

I guess you just have to take a step back from the situation and let social work step up as they should have done.

Sorry, should have said cousin, not nephew.

OP I think you've done a fabulous job in supporting the parents. There are clearly a lot of people on here who have no clue about how SS work, or the legislation behind how families are supported in these situations. Children are not automatically better off being removed and adopted, nor should such a thing be done without exhausting other options first. There isn't the equivalent professional support that can step in and do what family members can do to support. The law makes it clear that family have responsibility and SS are not there to do the job of family (except for very specific things such as foster care)

In respect of the child's dad, I wonder if all of this is deflection. It doesn't sound like he was ever expecting to be a full time parent - it's common for dads to talk about how good mum is and wanting child to stay with mum - because its convenient and makes them look like they're being nice. He was asked to step up and perhaps he didn't think it would ever really happen, or he was over optimistic about how he'd cope as a parent. Ultimately no one really knows what the job of parenting is like until they do it. I wonder if his attacks on you were actually him lashing out because the realisation was hitting him - his loss of freedom, loss of being number 1 - and criticising his ex & you meant that the decision got taken out of his hands.
I'm not suggesting it was as conscious as that but I have worked with many parents who I know could never bring themselves to say 'i can't look after my child' but find that circumstances mean they're ruled out, if you see what I mean.

I've seen a lot of posters criticising you for supporting both parents. I don't think that's naive, I think it's realistic. That's what usually happens in families - and the child's mum was as much as a part of your family as he is.

I really hope you're able to continue to be part of this little boys life and that there's a good outcome at the end of it.

I'm not trying to convince you, I'm just pointing out I'm not an expert, I follow the professionals. At at the end of the day the little boy should be put first above whatever we may personally think. We need to follow what the professionals think is best for the little boy.

What's wrong with her shopping for her son's clothes? What's wrong with her socialising? What's wrong with her rebuilding her life through a mental health programme that will lead to a place to live for her and her son? If you think anyone finds this 'peachy' you're seriously deluded. Upset about a picture?? No idea what you mean?

So what should SS do then as you're the expert??

Thank you for confirming that.

Yes, that makes sense. I do wonder why SS did ask me to support both, I think partly it was that my cousin had no issue with it and was amicable with her for an extended period. But I suppose ultimately she had literally noone. But I have wondered why grandad wasn't asked to support my cousin more, but maybe he didn't want to. They did talk to me, our grandad and aunty but only I was put on the support plan.

I guess 'I knew' before him, but there really wasn't anything to tell. It's only at the point it affects their DC that there's anything to tell. They were just friends then had a couple of dates, but they mostly hang out in a group. When my cousin starts going on about her boyfriend, I asked her and she said they weren't an official couple. All he saw was her getting in to a car with 2 males in. He had no idea if they were friends or whatever he just jumped to boyfriend! I just find his reaction very immature. It all feels a bit playground to me.

The taking his son away is something he said to his ex. And I really don't get it. But you're right that's how he feels. It makes no sense to me. The boy was going to be living with him, court ordered. How could she take him away? And why would she? If she was going to she could have done it before now.

Thank you so much, me too

I completely agree people don't realise taking a DC away, who has a good bond with his parents is not a neutral action.

I think ultimately, there was noone else there to support them both, so with my permission I was asked to support both.

I know my cousin was struggling with being second to his child. He did really want to do it. I believe he tried his best. And he still might get there, I don't know. But I absolutely think this was all an unconscious self sabotage. If he can come back from that will be the decision of the professionals.

And yes, my cousin's ex was very much part of my family and it is my view that once you have a child your families are bonded forever. I wasn't going to turn my back on this vulnerable young woman, with no family and who was the mother of the little boy.

I know you were replying to another poster but:

'"The taking his son away is something he said to his ex. And I really don't get it. But you're right that's how he feels. It makes no sense to me. The boy was going to be living with him, court ordered. How could she take him away? And why would she? If she was going to she could have done it before now."

He needs to believe that someone else is taking away his son because he can't admit to himself that he might have failed his son. He needs to externalise that decision, as a self defence mechanism. It's one step away from 'look what you made me do'.
No one wants to admit that they can't be the parent they want to be. He obviously cares on some level, and wanted to do the right thing, but he's not there yet. He might be able to do well some days, but parenting consistently, day in day out, is a very different ask, and unfortunately it sounds like he just wasn't ready for it.

For what it's worth I agree about mum being able to go out and have friends. Sitting alone, martyring herself on days where she isn't allowed to see her son, doesnt do anyone any favours. She's not choosing to do that over seeing her son. Spending time with people who are doing well, are happy, part of society, will help her as a person, and that will increase her capacity to be a parent. Of course if she was choosing to go out partying instead of spending time with her son that would be different but that's not what you've said. What some have been posting on here is the equivalent of telling someone who is signed off with depression that they mustn't leave the house while on sick leave. Staring at the walls and telling yourself you're a terrible parent might satisfy the Mumsnet trolls but it doesn't help the child at the centre of all this.

Thank you for explaining that. So it's sort of like 'well she was going to take him away from me anyway, so why bother...'

It's all very sad.

And I completely agree, it really is good for her to get out, it's done her the world of good. And that makes her a better parent.

Your trying to do an awful lot of convincing to someone who literally no stake in this situation.

I’m not an expert nor did I ever claim to be. I’m literally some random on the internet. But I do have life experience enough to know this is a shitshow for the child and everyone sucks in the situation. You all seem to be putting your feelings ahead of his needs.

The picture comment came from your OP.

We had to explain to him that once he'd put his DS down for the night it wasn't the end of parenting. He might wake up, he might be unsettled, he might be ill etc

He sounds so clueless that I can't help think that supporting him was always going to be a waste of time.

Can't believe that having lived with his son & ex he didn't realise this!

Your cousin sounds like a massive dick.

You haven't done anything wrong, other than perhaps giving too much of a shit about your waster cousin.

I would take a step back and help where required for the poor toddler, but otherwise stay well out of your cousin's way.

I have no need to convince you of anything. But I find it bizarre that you don't understand that everyone involved knows this is a shit show. Noone thinks everything is fine and dandy. So why you keep posting to try and convince me of that I have no idea. Just keeping on stating what is frankly the bloody obvious doesn't help me atall. I'm clearly looking for advice. Which you obviously can't give me if it took all your life experience just to know the situation isn't good.

The picture, you mean the canvas - I wrote about that to give context to my OP. To show how far things had broken down in our relationship. I couldn't care less what he does with it in that if he doesn't put it on his wall it's his loss, but it's what it represents in terms of the break down of our relationship and the whole point about that, if you'd understood this thread, is the effect this has on the transition plan for this little boy.