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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've be disowned - did I do something wrong?

152 replies

Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 13:39

Just looking for a reality check. NC'd

My younger cousin has a 3yo toddler with his ex-gf. They broke up over a year ago. The toddler was living with his mum but she had a close bereavement that really effected her mental health and due to that the toddler was put into foster care. Myself and my DH have always been close to them all and helped with the toddler.

My cousin wanted the toddler to go and live with him. But SS had concerns due to his ADHD, he smoked weed sometimes and also his mum (now deceased) had bipolar and he grew up in a chaotic household and in and out of care. We agreed to support him if he got himself sorted, SS felt with support he could be a good dad to his DS and agreed a transition plan over several months. This gradually increased the time my cousin had with his DS and involved me being there often to start then withdrawing a bit but looking after the toddler myself to allow him to work (part time) and attend therapy/groups.

He started off really well, stopped the drugs (a drug test proved it), attended parenting courses, got everything he needed for his flat and did really well in observations with the SW and passed a parenting assessment. He reached out for help to us when we needed it.

In the background to this, the toddler's mum was now homeless and surfer surfing including at ours and needing a lot of support which SS encouraged me to give her. All fine between cousin and ex.

Then cousin's ex started seeing a man (nothing serious, just having a few dates).in all honesty she's not been this happy in a while and I've helped her to get into a shelter for homeless women and she is slowly rebuilding her life. As soon as cousin found she was seeing someone, things changed.

He screamed and shouted at me, swore at me, you name it. He send me abusive messages saying he was cutting me out of his life and I couldn't see little toddler as I was too close to 'the enemy' I was devastated. Due to continued abuse I had to block his number and tell SS about the situation. He is saying I was given the choice and I chose his ex over him and we walked away from him. Now things are uncertain for the little boy.

He has just got another family member to tell me he threw his birthday present from us in the bin - it was a canvas of him and his DS. It's all really affecting my mental health. And I keep questioning did I do something wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:49

Namechangedforthis2244 · 01/06/2023 16:24

As adults we all look to our childhood experience to comfort us when things are upsetting or traumatic. Think about how snuggling up with an old book, rewatching an old film, having a bubble bath or tucking down into bed feel.

When children have grown up in chaotic, unstable, difficult circumstances it is very very hard for them as adults to stop themselves recreating that chaotic world when things are difficult or stressful. Unless your nephew has had a lot of counselling he’s unlikely to be aware of the pattern but your description of everything going really well and then blowing up feels very like this.

I’d recommend having a Google around this to understand a bit more what is happening with your nephew. It’s often described as self sabotage in writing online.

If you think that you are able to, you could consider offering to start babysitting again. And then see whether it’s possible to rebuild the relationship from there. I wonder whether going forwards you, he and mum could work out a contact schedule for the child so that your time is less vulnerable to fall outs etc.

Thank you. This is what I said - he self sabotages. He has always done it but honestly, he has had quite a bit of therapy and it seemed to all parties that he'd matured. And I think he has but not quite enough. I think he is aware of it, but as of yet isn't able to control it. I do feel for him. But I have to put boundaries in place if he starts abusing me.

The DC is still with his foster carer and the transition plan has been 'paused' while further assessments are carried out. But I still see the little lad with his mum twice a week. I take along toys from my house so he has familiar things to play with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:51

MumsPett · 01/06/2023 16:25

Agree with this. Shocked by these comments i think the op was very out of order.

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It would be helpful if you could say in what way?

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:54

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 01/06/2023 16:28

That poor little boy, I’m glad he has you and your DH as a constant in his life. I hope his future is much brighter with his mum.

I know none of us know what is coming and life can change in an instant but don’t people consider their current/ongoing mental, physical and financial health before deciding to have kids?

I really hope things can settle down for the little boy soon. He's such a bright, happy thing. He really deserves a happy home life.

In all honesty the baby wasn't planned. They said they were using contraception. But no, nothing was considered. Unfortunately, neither had a good upbringing which I'm sure had some effect on this. But I just hope history won't repeat itself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:00

FartSock5000 · 01/06/2023 16:31

@Drainedandhurt your cousin's issues may make life harder for him but ADHD doesn't give him an excuse to be an arsehole and that is exactly what he is.

He is so jealous and controlling, he cannot abide his poor former partner moving on and being happy. AND instead of taking out his pathetic little boy feelings on her (because he can't) he used you as his emotional punching bag. Let that sink in.

After everything you did for him, that is how little he regards you.

Block him, cut him off and don't give him access to you again. He is a user who takes from those around him and gives heehaw back.

Focus on the new family you are creating with your nephew and his mum who IS showing you appreciation by working hard to get her life together and spending time with you without expecting anything back.

You can't choose your family but you can choose how you interact with them and sometimes blood relatives are dicks.

I actually said that was how I felt - his emotional punch bag. It was why I had to block him. I've never blocked anyone in my life, but I feel I had no choice for my own wellbeing.

My cousin has said he is upset that I 'walked away from him' (he pushed me away) but am still supporting his ex. But she has never been abusive to me. She is always pleasant and shows in little ways that she is grateful for my support.

OP posts:
Notmyfirstusername · 01/06/2023 19:02

Roughly how old are both parents? If the mother is a teenager and your nephew a few years older, this all makes a lot of sense.

Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:02

Trickedbyadoughnut · 01/06/2023 16:32

You sounds like a really lovely person, OP. I'd want you in my corner if I were a child.

That's very kind, thank you. Honestly, the most important thing is this innocent child. And I won't stop doing whatever I can to get him the happy home he deserves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:03

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/06/2023 16:35

The bereavement was the catalyst for the mum's breakdown.

In the span of a year , she had a relationship end , and who knows how that went given this man's volatile behaviour and drug use at the time, had a 2 yo to look after (possibly with no help) and had a very close bereavement (by the sound of it the last surviving parent/caregiver figure). So she had a breakdown , lost her home etc. Of course that would mean SS involvement and even foster care because mum wasn't able to care for the child. Just like they would if mum was severely ill/in hospital and no one else available to care for them.

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Yes, that's it.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/06/2023 19:16

Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 18:26

Could you elaborate?

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The mother isn’t fit to care for her son
The father isn’t fit to care for his son
SS put you in the middle of all of this
You have to know that dating is not a good idea for the mother at the moment

The mother should know it’s not a good idea to start dating
SS should know it’s not a good idea to start dating
Your concern seems to be that he’s mad at you and won’t talk to you

Honestly I think all of you need to grow up. Again it’s not about any of your hurt feelings it’s about a freaking toddler with a train wreck for family.

Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:26

ProfessorXtra · 01/06/2023 16:36

I think this is very complex situation with very complex individuals and even SS has let them down.

You say the mum won’t get pregnant because she is sensible. And yet had a baby with your cousin who is incapable of being a parent in his own right. That wasn’t sensible and she may find herself in this position again. You have no clue if she is sleeping with the man she is dating.

Adhd and a mother with bi polar, doesn’t make SS decide your own child can’t come live with you. Or even being in and out of care, doesn’t stop them allowing the child to live with you.

Why was foster care picked? When she decided she couldn’t cope why not just send the child to live with their father rather than foster care. I think there’s far more to this.

SS really expected you to support 2 adults with a range of different issues, including drugs and homelessness, to be be better parents? If so they really let you down.

I think if I were him I would be pissed off. Tbh. I was making lots of effort and the effort she was making was including dating so she could have some fun? His reaction was awful though.

I think he might feel you are supporting him to be better but supporting her to just do what she wants.

Look, I can only call it as I see it. She was a teenager when she got pregnant and no, that situation wasn't sensible. But she has matured. I can't see from the set up how she could be sleeping with the young man, plus she has always spoken to me honestly about these things in the past. But of course the only ones that really know are them.

They were allowing the DS to transition to living with my cousin, those were just the concerns. And I think we can see they were right to have concerns.

As I understand it from the meetings with the SW , the DC was put into foster care as it was not thought the father would want custody. Why exactly that was I don't know. But when my cousin said he did, a plan was put in place as they wanted a transition and for my cousin to do a parenting assessment and take a drug test.

On reflection, I do feel SS put a lot on me. They felt the little boy could live with his dad, with support (and maybe mum down the line), they wanted to keep strong bonds between the parents and child and for mum to get somewhere to live and her mental health to improve. They saw me (and my DH) as the only support and so a lot was put on me, it's true.

I can assure you he'd be dating if he had the chance! But her going out with friends for the first time in such a long time has made such a improvement to her mental health and it is such a casual relationship, I honestly see it as nothing but good. This poor girl lost her last living relative and then her DS. I think she deserves a little fun. It doesn't interfere with the programme she's completing or with her time with her DS. I can't blame her for it.

The mum hit rock bottom. She has fought her way up from that through serious mental ill health, hospitalisation, homelessness, her DC being removed. It has been incredibly difficult for her. She has never turned to drink or drugs. She talks about and plans things for her DS all the time, buys his clothes, books and toys. He is her priority. Yes, she can do what she wants day to day but she'd much rather still be caring for her toddler 24/7.

The dad sat in his cosy flat, was given every support by the SW, myself and other professionals and an extremely slow transition so he didn't get overwhelmed. If he's jealous of his ex 'doing what she wants' when he was getting to have his DS with him at his flat, then, words fail me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:27

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/06/2023 16:50

He has a child that lives with him, that he wanted to live with him. Of course he has to be better . The whole point of OP stepping in and supporting him was because he was incapable of looking after the child by himself. Which is probably why the mother had the child put in foster care(if it even was her decision) rather than live with him with no checks and no support.

She just needs to get better and be stable (emotionally ,mentally and financially) to be able to look after the child again, after all she managed it well enough for a few years before the breakdown. Her dating is irrelevant.

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I agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:28

DysmalRadius · 01/06/2023 16:58

I'm not defending his behaviour, but if he has ADHD, is it possible that he has Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/

I'll have a look at that, thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:30

diddl · 01/06/2023 16:59

If SS are wanting Op to support the mother would that be with a view to her son going back to her as she is overall a better option than his dad?

I think it's too early to say at this stage. But if she does well with her programme and gets a flat then there is every possiblity. The transition plan for dad is 'paused' right now, so it's also possible SS could decide to continue with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:38

ProfessorXtra · 01/06/2023 17:10

I am confused by your point.

No one said he didn’t need to be better. I was talking about how he may feel. That the expectations of him are high, but his child’s mother doesn’t have any. Aside from turning up twice a week to see the child.

I don’t think her dating is irrelevant at all. But that’s my opinion. And I can bet that if someone posted that their ex said they could have their joint kids because of his poor mental health, but he was also be dating no one would be saying ‘oh he is just getting better and making himself stable’. No one would think his dating was irrelevant.

and yes, I would be pissed off if my ex was saying he couldn’t see our kids due to his mental health, but was happy dating and getting lots of support from my family. In the long run, it’s best for the child if Op can help the mum. But feelings aren’t logical. But I can see why it would bother him but his reaction is completely unacceptable.

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But the expectations on her were high when she brought up their DC. They never lived together even when they were in a relationship. He just had to 'turn up' for his contact once a week. And that was all he really did. He had no idea how to look after a DC, that's why there was so much support. Now the shoes on the other foot he's starting to realise what hard work it is!

The mum has never said she 'can't have their DS' - she was hospitalised and he was put in foster care. She would love to have him. If she was told she had to stop seeing the lad but could have her DS back, she'd jump at the chance in an instant. She doesn't have much going on in her life atm, so getting out a couple of times a week to see friends is beneficial.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:41

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 01/06/2023 17:29

You sound so decent & compassionate.

After all you've done, you definitely don't deserve his reaction or some of the responses on this thread.

Thank you for being so kind.

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 01/06/2023 19:43

ProfessorXtra · 01/06/2023 17:38

Yes I would be unhappy if my ex wasn’t well enough to look after his own child but well enough to go out and date. And I don’t believe if it was the father doing this there would be any sympathy.

You obviously wouldn’t mind. But I can see how that would be annoying.

and again, if a family member was helping me out I would be grateful and wouldn’t be screaming at them. However, I think I would find it really difficult with them giving help to my ex as well. But I would suck it up if it’s best for my child. As I said, I don’t think his reaction is ok.

But I can see a situation where it bothers him. We are all different. I can understand him being bothered. You can’t.

There’s obviously lots left out here. Most mothers, if they felt they could cope and felt the other parent was in any way decent would send the child to live with father. The fact that she can only see the child twice a week in a contact centre, suggests it’s not just a breakdown and not being able to cope. There’s huge concerns.

I think op was put in an impossible situation. And let down hugely by ss.

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Yes I would be unhappy if my ex wasn’t well enough to look after his own child but well enough to go out and date

First, the amount of mental wellness required to go on a date is much lower than the amount needed to care for a child full-time.

Secondly, recent update from OP indicates that the child's father is also not able to look after his and her child, so he's being a hypocrite if he's using inability to parent as a stick to beat her with.

Thirdly, did you miss the bit where she's homeless? She might be well enough to look after the child but still can't do so because she has nowhere permanent nor suitable to live.

Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:44

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 01/06/2023 17:35

How did the child’s leg get broken?

i hope you can continue seeing this child, OP, it looks to me as if you are the one dependable person in his life at the moment. Kudos to you.

Oh, the poor little thing came down a slide and 'landed funny'. It was at the foster carer's. She felt terrible of course. SS said that in those circumstances an investigation always takes place to check out the situation, but there is nothing to suggest wrongdoing on the part of the FC. It was just an accident and his leg healed quicky, luckily.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:57

ProfessorXtra · 01/06/2023 17:38

Yes I would be unhappy if my ex wasn’t well enough to look after his own child but well enough to go out and date. And I don’t believe if it was the father doing this there would be any sympathy.

You obviously wouldn’t mind. But I can see how that would be annoying.

and again, if a family member was helping me out I would be grateful and wouldn’t be screaming at them. However, I think I would find it really difficult with them giving help to my ex as well. But I would suck it up if it’s best for my child. As I said, I don’t think his reaction is ok.

But I can see a situation where it bothers him. We are all different. I can understand him being bothered. You can’t.

There’s obviously lots left out here. Most mothers, if they felt they could cope and felt the other parent was in any way decent would send the child to live with father. The fact that she can only see the child twice a week in a contact centre, suggests it’s not just a breakdown and not being able to cope. There’s huge concerns.

I think op was put in an impossible situation. And let down hugely by ss.

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The sad thing is he could have chatted to me about it if it bothered him. But he didn't. I have to say I don't think it is that he doesn't think she should be dating. He's jealous. But again, he could have spoken to me about that.

To try to give an explanation, SS became involved when mum's MH plummeted, they did not remove the DS immediately. I don't know if there was ever talk of the little boy going to his dad's at that point, but I know my cousin always said he wanted his DS to stay with his mum as he'd say 'she's a good mum and DS loves her'. The mum also wanted to keep her DS. Once things got worse he was taken into foster care as an emergency. At the time she was living a bit further away so myself and DH weren't close by to step in. But it soon became clear she wasn't going to be in a position to have him back anytime soon. So it was decided he would stay in foster care. It was at this point my cousin came to me and asked me to go with him to see his DS's SW as he wanted him to live with him. I honestly didn't know if they'd let him, but I had noticed he'd begun to mature and I knew he'd been doing therapy. It started there and I followed SS's lead.

She has no home to see her DS so the reason it is in a contact centre. It should move to community contact soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 19:58

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/06/2023 17:12

Did you post before when SS were concerned about potential violence/abuse from him?

Seems like they might have had a good inkling about what he was really like under the surface if that was you posting - and no, you didn't do anything wrong in trying to help the toddler.

No, my first post on this

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 20:00

LoobyDop · 01/06/2023 17:46

Clearly you thought happy, healthy mother with functioning life = better for the little boy, so you supported whatever happened in that direction. I think you did the right thing. Clearly your cousin is too selfish to think the same way.

Yes, that's what I thought. I hope one day my cousin will understand this. I put the little boy first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 20:05

Goodadvice1980 · 01/06/2023 17:47

YANBU. You sound lovely OP.

With that level of paranoia I”ll bet you a steak dinner OP that he’s using drugs again.

That's kind, thank you. And I'll admit that's my thoughts too. He has seemed very paranoid, what with this 'enemy' business and he has commented about his ex replacing him as their DC's dad. All for seeing a young man on a very casual basis. And baring in mind at this point his DS was to be moving in with him imminently - with him having full custody and his ex having contact a couple of times a week. It's madness!

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 20:07

Whichwhatnow · 01/06/2023 17:49

You haven't done anything wrong OP. You're doing the best thing for your cousin's child. My brother had a terrible breakup with his ex when their DD was a toddler (she cheated on him) but we've all (brother included) managed to maintain friendly relations to the point she comes over for Christmas, BBQs, family dinners etc and even came to my brother's wedding. Because it's best for my niece and that's the most important thing! Luckily everyone in my family is a grown up. Sorry to hear your cousin is not but I hope you can keep supporting his ex and their DD regardless.

That's exactly how I feel. What is the best thing for the child is what goes. As his ex had only her grandmother as family we all took her under our wing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 20:11

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/06/2023 17:49

@Drainedandhurt out of curiosity, before all this started what kind of a parent was he to his child? Did he pay regular maintenance? Regular contact, involved in his life etc?

He paid maintenance, but he only saw his DS once a week. He stuck to his contact, loved his child, looked after him well during his contact. But the mum did the heavy lifting parenting. She carried the whole mental load. I believed he did his best, but I think he was quite happy being a very part time parent and maybe that is all he can manage.

OP posts:
Scuttlingherbert · 01/06/2023 20:18

I think your incredible, with all the things you've done to help everyone.

Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 20:18

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/06/2023 18:04

@ProfessorXtra

There’s obviously lots left out here. Most mothers, if they felt they could cope and felt the other parent was in any way decent would send the child to live with father. The fact that she can only see the child twice a week in a contact centre, suggests it’s not just a breakdown and not being able to cope. There’s huge concerns.

  1. He was not a decent father though. If he was , he wouldn't have had so many caveats and OP wouldn't have been required to offer so much support and be part of a plan.
  1. Not being able to cope is a huge concern. Maybe you don't have much experience with mental health illnesses. Being the sole carer of a very young child on your own means you need to be awake,up ,aware,alert at all time and able to make rational,sometimes on the spot decisions. These things are very difficult if you can't get out of bed, if you're having a psychotic episode, if you're suicidal, if your meds knock you out or affect your ability to function , if you're hospitalised because of it (like the cousin's ex was ) and so on.

I've seen it happen quite a few times to decent ,nice parents. People that had actually been good,decent parents for years with no concerns, but a prolonged serious mental health episode meant they could barely function as a human being , much less as a parent.

I wonder if she would've ended so bad/hospitalised if she had been awarded all the support this man had. Free childcare so she can work, attend therapy and support groups, parenting courses ,support in the home etc.

Obviously, it's going a bit off topic, but I always felt she was given little support and if more had been put in place, things might not have got so bad for her. Unfortunately, when her grandmother died she had to move (she lived with her grandmother) and was housed a way away. We would go to visit her once a fortnight, but weren't able to provide the support we had before, when she had her grandmother too. Once my cousin started on the road to having custody of their DS, I couldn't believe all the support he got! She certainly got nothing like that. I've wondered if it was just how the current SW works or if it was because he was a man...while mum was just expected to get on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandhurt · 01/06/2023 20:19

Batalax · 01/06/2023 18:10

I hope it works out well for the little boy. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. It would be much worse had the boy already moved in with his dad, or if dad fell apart at some other perceived injustice.

Yes, that's very true.

OP posts: