Baby only wants DP. I'm so upset.

[alwaysthesame12]

We have an 11 month old baby.
Same sex couple. I gave birth but went back to work after a really short time. My wife has had the shared parental leave.
I work 3 days per week. So I'm with the baby 4 days per week. And in the mornings, evenings and then sometimes for an hour during my working day because I work from home.

Recently the baby hasn't really been wanting me that much. She holds her hands up to my wife so much more for her to pick her ip. She cries when my partner leaves the room sometimes. This morning, I went to get her from her cot and she didn't want me to pick her up. Then as soon as she sees my wife she smiles and her hands are straight in the air.

I feel awful. I already truly regret going back to work. I wish I'd had more time off. And now I'm just so upset that the baby doesn't feel as attached to me as my wife. I know my wife has obviously spent more time with her and the baby probably depends on her more than me. I just feel truly heartbroken.

It’s just a phase.

It's strange you say "the baby" a lot. Do you feel attached to her. Do you think it's you and not her? What does your wife think? Has she noticed what you see?

Try not to take it personally OP. My DS has phases like this between only wanting me and then only wanting DH.

Honestly the phases where he’s only wanted me are the hardest as he would just cling to me screaming, won’t let me leave the room, won’t let me do anything without being physically attached to me.

Try not to feel rejected (I know it’s difficult) and just wait until the next phase.

Babies/toddlers go through these phases. It will pass, I am sure. Does your partner work at all or is she with the baby all the time?

Oh love, it’s really hard. We are a lesbian couple, I gave birth and exclusively breastfed, didn’t go back to work and have done every nursery/school drop off, every medical or school appointment, every sick day etc etc and our son still says my wife is his favourite 🤷‍♀️. Try not to take it personally… especially when the baby is still little- next week you might be favourite. Also, I think birth mum is just like a boring part of the future- they don’t need to fuss over it because they just know they when they need them.

Yea they do that, the treacherous, fickle little things. ‘Tis but a phase.

It's strange you say "the baby" a lot. Do you feel attached to her.

Agree with this. She is your daughter but you haven’t referred to her once as such.

Also, your wife will have to deal with all the and ‘so you aren’t my REAL mum?’ ‘I’m not actually related to you’ etc as the baby gets older which you won’t!

Honestly, all babies go through this phase. It will likely switch to wanting only you at some point.

It’s very unlikely you not going back to work would impact this. Because, as I said, at some point the focus will shift to you.

I know it’s upsetting, but it’s honestly normal.

It's not you or anything you have done, it varies and can fluctuate. Remember baby is watching and aware of you too all the time, address the rejected feelings so they don't perpetuate the cycle. If you wound the clock back then your partner might have been feeling the same, and also didn't carry the baby? It sounds like you made good choices together and are both are working towards a pretty great balance, it's a win not a lose. I think this article is fairly good - it's about how you go forward.

www.parents.com/baby/development/is-it-normal-for-a-baby-to-prefer-dad-over-mom/#:~:text=There%20are%20many%20reasons%20why,go%20for%20no%20particular%20reason.

And maybe your own early attachment experiences will be affecting you, so let them into your awareness if you can.

I've read countless threads like this over the years. Which probably doesn't make it "feel" better, but I'm certain it's normal.

Babies go through a phase this age of separation anxiety. So when the carer who is with them all the time leave the room they get stressed. It will pass after a while. It doesn’t mean the baby doesn’t have a strong bond with you it is something all babies do at this point.

It sounds like you are a caring mum and spend a lot of time with your baby. I’m sure the baby does have a strong bond with you. My baby adores my partner, I can see her face light up when he comes in the room but there are times when she just wants me.

It’s pretty normal, DD didn’t appear to even like DH for a period of about 2 years, always wanted me etc. whilst it’s normal that doesn’t make it easy and he used to get quite upset by it at times.

It’s a phase but ironically my oh is the one out working I work from home and spend a majority of the time with them….they still worship and prefer him lol can’t win! I’m not offended I love seeing there bond but I understand why you feel it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth.

🤭 you'll laugh at this next year /month
When your baby only wants you and nothing to do with your partner.

This is what babies are like
And kids too

You could have spent 24/7/365 with her and she would srill want your partner 😳

Hang in there.

My eldest spent the first 18 months stuck to me like a limpet. Had no interest in being with her dad. Screamed if I left her alone with him. Would only be comforted by me. Struggled to get away when he picked her up. She's 2 now and when he comes home from work if a hole opened up in the floor and swallowed me I don't think she would notice. As PP said. They are treacherous, fickle little things. In a few months yours will probably switch to you, and then a while after that she'll switch back again.

I'm pretty sure the usual theory on this sort of thread is that young babies feel like a part of "you" as birth mum or main carer. So seeing you isn't anything special, you're "just" their rock in life and they're very attached to you, which is the opposite of your worry.

Meanwhile it's an evolutionary thing that babies make other people love or care for them too through being extra adorable, most of us are programmed to respond to big eyes and giggles and to feel a sense of protectiveness.

It’s normal. DS used to sob as soon as DH walked in every evening (realised it would be bath / bed time when he arrived). In contrast, DD used to scream “not you, I want DADDY” when I went to get her out of her cot. They are older now and neither has a favourite as far as I can tell.

At 11mths your DD is in prime ‘clingy’ territory (can’t remember the proper name for it). I went to babysit my friend’s DS at a similiar age and my poor friend had to commando crawl out of the room while I distracted him!

Keep faith, all will be well x

Mine does that to my DH and I took a year off to care for him and am still the primary carer. They’re just like that; you can’t take it personally.

How patronising.

DS frequently went through phases like this when he was a baby of not wanting DH in particular. DH found it incredibly difficult, despite knowing it was completely normal. When each phase came to an end, it was a relief and felt like a cloud had been lifted. At no point did we laugh about it... because it wasn't funny.

It's 100% a phase. My ds has gone through this. Now he cries when either one of us leaves 🤣

It’s mumsnet. We don’t share names here. Not everyone likes the DD/DS thing. I really wouldn’t read too much into OPs turn of phrase here.

Wow - he took it very personally then? ‘A cloud had been lifted’? Jeez that’s intense! Parenting should be all about whether the child is happy and thriving not about your own ego.

It’s a phase. My DD went through a stage around 10m of not even entertaining her Dad and practically slept in my arms (and was attached to me all day). It passed after a few weeks. Today? (14m) She waved bye bye at me and sat with her dad watching TV. Doesn’t want to know me this week 😂

My DH did struggle at first when it happened as he thought she didn’t like him, I promise it’s a phase- they are temperamental and fickle little humans who defy logic most days. 😅

I agree. I think this is micro-analysing. I called my DS “the baby” in real life sometimes until he was about 2.