Baby only wants DP. I'm so upset.

[alwaysthesame12]

We have an 11 month old baby.
Same sex couple. I gave birth but went back to work after a really short time. My wife has had the shared parental leave.
I work 3 days per week. So I'm with the baby 4 days per week. And in the mornings, evenings and then sometimes for an hour during my working day because I work from home.

Recently the baby hasn't really been wanting me that much. She holds her hands up to my wife so much more for her to pick her ip. She cries when my partner leaves the room sometimes. This morning, I went to get her from her cot and she didn't want me to pick her up. Then as soon as she sees my wife she smiles and her hands are straight in the air.

I feel awful. I already truly regret going back to work. I wish I'd had more time off. And now I'm just so upset that the baby doesn't feel as attached to me as my wife. I know my wife has obviously spent more time with her and the baby probably depends on her more than me. I just feel truly heartbroken.

Well obviously I don't mean she should use her daughters name.

I've never said the baby / the daughter.

My first child went through a phase of only wanting Daddy. Like you I felt rejected and upset by this especially when at around 18 months our son an accident and had to stay in hospital overnight. He cried and cried for DH at the hospital. This was back in the 1990s when hospitals assumed that the parent who stayed with the child would be female. I felt the hospital staff thought I was a really bad and that I might have abused him because my son only wanted my husband. Of course like others have said, it is a phase which will pass and does not reflect on your parenting skills. Take a deep breath and keep going.

I also think it’s a phase. My DD has gone through periods where she only seems to want one of us and is very dismissive of the other one. I know it hurts at first but over time I have come to realise it doesn’t mean anything and is likely to change around in a few weeks or months.

I think it helps to talk your partner and get the currently favoured parent to talk positively about the other parent in front of the child. Also, both agree not to make jokes about it at the other person’s expense, as if you’re having a bad day that can make you feel worse.

I was very lucky in that the only one of my three children who preferred his dad was number three. By that time, I was just pleased because being the parent the child wants 24/7 is actually exhausting. I can absolutely understand why you feel the way you do, however.

The only thing I can say is that time will generally sort things out, so long as you continue to give unconditional love, despite the feelings of rejection. Your daughter loves you as well, but sees your wife as primary caregiver as she is there all the time.

Does your wife have plans to go back to work?

I’ve never heard anyone say ´the daughter’.
But ´the baby’ is very common. I think I said ´is the baby asleep’ to my husband last night. Our child is four and I still call him ´the baby’ sometimes, mixed with his actual name and all the cute nicknames.
Have you ever read Enid Blighton’s Five children and it? The youngest child of the five is called ´The baby’ by her siblings all the way through. ´It’ is some kind of magical pet monster.
In the Large Family series of children’s books the youngest Elephant is always ´the baby’ too - and it actually changes when a new baby elephant is born. The previous ´baby’ starts being called Luke.
The youngest child in the family being called ´the baby’ can be a term of endearment. Choosing ´the baby’ rather than ´DD’ on mumsnet really does not indicate a lack of bond or a failure to see the child as a person. If you’re going to analyse people’s choice of language over the internet then you have to be familiar with the huge variety in language use and accept that just because it’s not something you hear, doesn’t mean in another place or amongst other people it can’t be used differently.

My 3 year old ds has done this a lot first he preferred me which of course bothered dh but now he switches back and forth.

@GiltEdges they (@SparklyBlackKitten ) wasn't being patronising at all! I agree that you really will laugh about it when they are older. Kids are fickle things and until they reach about 5 often have their favourites for short phases and is perfectly normal!

My daughters had phases of everything being 'no I want Daddy' and I was just part of the furniture and other times they were very clingy to me and didn't want daddy. Just the way it is and the trick is to not make a big deal of it and not take it personally as it will pass.

Really?? Loads of people refer to their baby, as the baby 🙄 nothing to do with lack of an attachment!

Honestly OP this is really normal. My DD went through a phase of only wanting Daddy (when he was there) even though I was a SAHM at the time! She's now a teen and we are very close.

Echoing what others have said, honestly it's a phase and try not to take it too personally. My son went through similar, I remember once when my husband came back from work while I was bathing him, he almost physically pushed me aside to get to his dad! Now, he's 26m and all about me - dad doesn't get a look in (and frankly I wish he did a lot of the time so I can have a bit of a break!). I'm sure it will continue to flip back and forward multiple times.

My DD did this as baby and from when she could talk she often will say she "only wanted daddy" or she "only wanted mummy".

When she wants help on the toilet or wakes up in the night I'm very glad if she "only wants daddy"

Another “it’s a phase”.

Babies are naturally closer to the ones who give them the most care. Your partner will naturally be feeding her, putting her to sleep, playing with her, bathing her etc more than you will be. But I promise you your time will come again.

My little boy from about 18m-2yrs was obsessed with his daddy, still is at 3. He has assigned us with different roles in his own mind, daddy is the fun one, the one who will play games more, the one who reads bedtime stories in hilarious voices, the one who takes him to football etc, where as as soon as he is hurt or upset, he comes straight to me, if he is hungry, he asks me, he likes daddy's bedtime stories but equally likes my bed time snuggles.

Try not to worry it's likely a bit of separation anxiety for your partner

Up until about 2/2.5 she was far more for me than her Dad. She's 3 now and absolutely has no preference unless she is really ill. She loves going out with him and he tends to do different things with her like soft play etc which I've never been fussed on. It's not likely an actual preference it's just who she spends the most time with at the moment but I can appreciate its hard for you xx

All 3 of my DC have went through phases like this where they didn’t want me, they wanted their dad instead. The secondary parent is a bonus, there for the fun but not the hard slog. Your DC sees you as an extension of themselves, you’re just not fun at this stage right now. Your DC other parent is a bonus so they will absolutely want to explore that more right now, it’s normal. It’s also normal to feel hurt and rejected, I did every time too! It’s not ok to let baby see that though, keep putting in all the effort in and this will pass soon

Yep as others have said it’s a phase, we both work part time so we spend an equal amount of time with our daughter (1.5), I don’t think she has even looked in my direction for the last three weeks, she certainly isn’t very impressed when it’s my day off work. I’m sure it will be his turn in the future to be the spare human for a while. If Grandma is around we’re both relegated to spare human.

Thank you all for your replies.
I often do say 'the baby' but I have just always done that. I also say her name but will say 'have you just been to check on the baby?'

But I am very attached to her. And I love her so much.

I feel reassured by your comments. I was having a really bad and stressful day with work yesterday and just felt gutted when she didn't want to come to me and was actively fighting me off!
And this morning when she pretty much did the same. I put her teddy's hand in my mouth pretending to bite it and then she was giggling and put her hands up to my.

I'm trying not to let it get to me. It's a normal part of development. I think I'm just feeling a bit low and then this is happened which has also made me feel a bit down.

Oh, sweetheart. It is so rough. On the one hand, yes, it's a phase - but I also think it's really different for same-sex parents (DP and I are same-sex parents). You go through life with a model for 'mum' that is, on the whole, 'mum whose other partner is dad'. And you and your partner both, consciously or subconsciously, expect to be this 'mum'.

This is the mum that society will expect to be the default parent. However much you wish that wasn't the social conditioning; however many dads you know personally who do 50/50 or 60/40 or whatever, it's still there. Schools will expect mum to drop work and come collect a sick child; employers will assume mum, not dad, will be the one going part-time.

For the two of you it means you both end up expecting to be the default parent. And sure, tiny things like saying 'my baby' could be upsetting.

I wish DP and I had known to talk about this more early on - and I wish we'd both been more aware of what the other was feeling.

Oh this is so completely normal. I understand why it is upsetting to you though OP. Babies and young children can go through phases of preferring one parent to the other, sometimes even preferring grandparents to their parents.

My little one cried yesterday evening for ages with my partner but as soon as I come in the room he settles and calms. Then sometimes he cries with me but loves cuddles and settles with my partner

It might not be long before she is looking out for you returning from work having spent the day with your partner.

I remember my 2 doing this.

Hell even the cat used to!

I used to refer to my middle son as "the baby" he was supposed to be my last and was very much my baby.

OP, all of my kids went through this stage when they were babies, please don't worry! It's normal and it changes back.

Then changes back again, it can happen a few times.

My youngest prefers his dad and it does hurt, so I understand.

I just remind myself that our eldest, the dog and the cat prefer me and I feel a bit better.

My son went through a phase of only wanting DP, I was really upset about it.

I long for those days sometimes 🤣

Don't worry, it will all swap over soon enough.

My DC would barely look at me when I came upstairs after work (both WFH) to start cooking dinner while DC was with nanny. Daddy would come downstairs from his office 15 minutes later to a “DADDY!!!!!!!” And a running jump into his arms for a hug. I stayed home for over a year, spend tons of time with DC etc, that’s just where she was at that point in time!