Baby only wants DP. I'm so upset.

[alwaysthesame12]

We have an 11 month old baby.
Same sex couple. I gave birth but went back to work after a really short time. My wife has had the shared parental leave.
I work 3 days per week. So I'm with the baby 4 days per week. And in the mornings, evenings and then sometimes for an hour during my working day because I work from home.

Recently the baby hasn't really been wanting me that much. She holds her hands up to my wife so much more for her to pick her ip. She cries when my partner leaves the room sometimes. This morning, I went to get her from her cot and she didn't want me to pick her up. Then as soon as she sees my wife she smiles and her hands are straight in the air.

I feel awful. I already truly regret going back to work. I wish I'd had more time off. And now I'm just so upset that the baby doesn't feel as attached to me as my wife. I know my wife has obviously spent more time with her and the baby probably depends on her more than me. I just feel truly heartbroken.

It’s just a phase. I spent every waking second with our son for 15 month, yet he preferred my husband whenever he had a choice, who worked full time. Totally fine now at age 4.

What I will say is don’t fall into the trap of your wife doing everything just because your son prefers it, it’s a slippery slope and long term will make it worse.

We did things like alternate bedtime and if DS wasn’t happy that it was me it was tough, he soon realised that was the way it was and he’d have to suck it up!

Since you have her most of the time, at least some of it is the fact that you are routine, and DP is the shiny toy we don't see as much. This will pass. AND, LOL, you can play it to your advantage. This is what my mother did when I went through that with my father. What is your baby going to call you, and what will she call your DP? If DP is going to be, for instance, "Mama," then patiently teach her, "MAMA! Say MAMA!" That way, when she wants something, you can (as my own mother did) say, "Oh, listen, Darlin', she wants YOU!" When it was the only word I knew. Hungry? DADA! Wet/dirty? DADA! Bored? DADA! Mom was no fool.

FYI there are lots more reassuring responses to your post over on the Mumsnet Facebook Page, where it's been copied

Also a lesbian couple and we had this so many times!

When I was off work and breastfeeding DD didn’t want anything to do with my wife which really upset her. When I went back to work however my wife became the favourite and I had typical mum guilt about going back to work.

Over the years it’s yo-yo’d a few times but now that she’s 11 she has amazing bonds with each of us so it didn’t affect anything. She is well aware of which mum she needs and when. If she hurts herself it’s always me she comes to. If she’s been falling out with a friend at school she goes to my wife for advice.

It’s rubbish at the time but switching from one parent to another is a perfectly normal stage of attachment and it has no bearing on how much she loves you.

Oh Gosh, you’re right, it was E Nesbit. I read the sequel and the railway children too. Probably fairly soon after Enid Blyton’s Faraway Tree series. With 5 Children and It, I do remember wondering at one point what the baby’s actual name was, because it was never used. I’d forgotten about the ´lamb’ nickname. And I distinctly remember finding the bit where the older sister gets sand out of the baby’s eye with her tongue gross and very unhygienic.
In my (poor and apologetic) defense I read the book about 25 years ago and haven’t come across it since.

I only mentioned that as the OP's post is about her baby wanting her wife more.

I've never said the baby but lots on here seem to.

children do have phases, I see it as priming us for the teenage years. They don’t want anything to do with you then. They also pop out of this . Parenting is such an assault on your emotions, good luck and this is totally normal.

It feels horrible when your kids openly prefer one parent to the other and can make you question your ability as a parent. I’ve experienced both sides of it. Its really hard, but try not to let it affect your relationships with your partner and baby, it will all change again soon, no doubt!

It must be hard, especially as you're the one who gave birth. But it is just a phase I promise, she will likely switch at some point. You do spend lots of time of time with her so don't beat yourself up over that. Some babies and toddlers will switch to favouring the parent they see less off, and also I presume your wife will go back to work soon so it will become more equal. She loves you both Xx

It’s a phase

my husband was my youngest favourite for ages and now I am

she also does this strange thing if we are out with other adults and she’s hurt she only wants them to comfort her.

honestly they blow your mind

It’s like I’ve written this myself except I returned back to full time with my wife having the baby 3 days a week and going to childcare twice a week.

I have found when I get to spend 1-1 time with him and doing things he enjoys solely just the two of us it helps with the bonding, and I have spoken to my wife about it all as well - have you done the same?

You’re doing great just keep going it’ll get better :)