Baby only wants DP. I'm so upset.

[alwaysthesame12]

We have an 11 month old baby.
Same sex couple. I gave birth but went back to work after a really short time. My wife has had the shared parental leave.
I work 3 days per week. So I'm with the baby 4 days per week. And in the mornings, evenings and then sometimes for an hour during my working day because I work from home.

Recently the baby hasn't really been wanting me that much. She holds her hands up to my wife so much more for her to pick her ip. She cries when my partner leaves the room sometimes. This morning, I went to get her from her cot and she didn't want me to pick her up. Then as soon as she sees my wife she smiles and her hands are straight in the air.

I feel awful. I already truly regret going back to work. I wish I'd had more time off. And now I'm just so upset that the baby doesn't feel as attached to me as my wife. I know my wife has obviously spent more time with her and the baby probably depends on her more than me. I just feel truly heartbroken.

How do you know?

I doubt it is simple when the OP is the birth mother, and is with her baby for three days a week, and her partner is the non-birth mother, and is with the baby for seven days.

I may have missed it, but the OP may still be breastfeeding.

There are all sorts of reasons why a same-sex female couple in the OP's situation may well not map onto a simple 'default parent' 'non-default parent' model.

Just another agreeing with everyone else post in solidarity mum ❤️ I was off nearly 4 years (worked odd days of free lance here and there but very much the main carer) for ours (now 5 and 3) and I breastfed, did all the baby groups, bedtimes, most meal times etc etc and they still go through phases of telling me daddy is their favourite. I honestly don't think it's down to the time you have had with them, I often think they overlook the parent they have the strongest attachment to - they simply don't need to favour you because they are so confident that you will always be there. That said, if you want more quality time with them then plan that in and just focus entirely on them - that's often the thing mime enjoy most of all x

Sorry, correcting my last post: the OP is with the baby four* days a week. That is far more than most non-default parents spend with their babies, and given this baby is 11 months old, I suspect there is a far less clear-cut distinction to be made between the 'default' and non-default' parents.

This happens a lot with us too. Sometimes DH is "the fave" and sometimes it's me. With both of our kids. It feels horrible at the time but it's a phase it'll be your turn soon and you'll be wishing you could wee in peace again Xx

I was off for a year with DC2, BF was with DC2 practically 24/7. They go through phases of daddy being the favourite. It’s totally normal behaviour.

Another half of same-sex parent couple here. I gave birth too and although I took the mat leave, my partner went part time when I went back to work around 8 months. Son is now 4 and has shown a preference for one or other of us at various times. Not always aligning to which of us has been around more. It really hurt the first few times I felt rejected and my partner was in tears the first time it swung back the other way. We each had fears. She worried it was because she didn't carry/feed him and I worried because she was more of a 'natural' as a parent. I love my son more than anything but struggle to be present in the same way with work worries, and find I have less patience for the inevitable meltdowns or constant entertainment etc.

What I have noticed more recently is that my partner is the one he wants day to day most of the time. She is go-to. But if he is hurt, upset, had a bad dream etc then he wants me. I am comfort and she is fun. He has worked out for himself which one of us best meets the various needs he has and your little one will too. As others have said, the extreme preference for one over another is a phase but totally normal to find that different situations result in a different mummy being the one that is needed/wanted at a particular time.

I think the same could be said of a mother and a father too in some circumstances.

Mine doesn't have a 'default parent' but we didn't want him to have a default parent. I never breastfed so feeds were always shared and we both went back to work after a short maternity leave.

Absolutely - I'm sure at times opposite-sex couples end up in a situation where there's no 'default' parent. I have friends who adopted their child as a baby would certainly feel they ended up in a situation that was far more complex/reciprocal than is usual.

It's just that being in a two-mum family, you're always going to be pulled much further off track from what people expect. It'll be the norm for the OP, and a big part of that, as a PP says, will be the norm that both mums will be negotiating a situation where there's an inbuilt worry about 'who is the (real) mum?'

Happened to my friends,dad took the months 6-12months after mum 0-6months, and as babies attach around 9-10months to primary care giver it’s just survival.
Talk to your partner and let them know how you feel and they can help

I can understand that. Especially since I'm sure far too many thoughtless people have asked that very question.

@SarahAndQuack thank you… I thought I was just saying it how it is!

We do both get the awkward questions but I think because I’m birth mum it’s easier for me usually. No one questions my position in that way. My wife comes in for a lot more awkward and rude questions than I do.

It’s normal, my eldest would cry when my DH went anywhere near her, god forbid I went to the toilet. When #2 came along, complete opposite only wanted DH, has never ever settled for me only DH. Number 3 was back to me but now her and DH are like 🤞

Oh, sorry - I wasn't trying to suggest you weren't saying how it was for you. Just wanting to add another perspective.

My DP is the birth mum, but she certainly had her share of horrible questions. I'm honestly not sure who had more. She had someone call her 'dad' when she was actively breastfeeding (!), and when she was literally in labour people weren't sure she was the mum.

I guess for me the bottom line is that people can be really hurtful, and unaware, in all sorts of ways, just because they try so hard to map same-sex parents onto opposite-sex couples. Sometimes it works and it's so reassuring to know your baby is doing what everyone else's baby is doing. And other times, it's not, and you'll end up feeling confused or alienated. If you're in the latter situation, it is ok to be upset and to take time to work out why everyone else's 'normal' isn't quite descriptive of your experience.

Totally just a phase. And also different personalities, too. My eldest has always been a daddies girl, and she would do this to daddy when I'd been with her all day on mat leave! She'd be awful to me and daddy would come in and be all smiles! 🙄
My second however could not be more of a mummies girl.
It's honestly just a phase and going back to work hasn't done this. Try not to be so hard on yourself. The baby is so very lucky to have two such loving parents 😍

@SarahAndQuack dont apologise! I was trying to say thank you for understanding I wasn’t being insensitive with my first post, I was just saying it how it is for lesbian couples. I don’t think I explained myself very well, sorry!

How the fuck did they not notice she was mum while she was in labour?! That is beyond odd and into the valley of total madness.

We ended up with a birth certificate that listed me as mum and my (very obviously a woman with a woman’s name) wife was listed as ‘father’ 😂.

People are daft, and then they get flustered and that makes them more daft. Do you get questioned about when it will be ‘your turn’ to have a baby, and if you want one of your own? My wife has taken to replying “why keep a dog and bark yourself?!” because she has got so bored with it.

Oh dear, we are both falling over ourselves to apologise! I was also worrying I expressed myself so badly.

Your poor wife! Being listed as 'father' could be funny, but I imagine it could also really cut, too. We were very lucky with that side of things - the registrar couldn't have been more lovely.

With my DP it was utter madness. She isn't very butch and I am not very femme, but put us together and people only every see a male/female couple. You can only laugh at it, but actually it was horrible at the time - they didn't remember to give her a meal because they hadn't properly registered who was there; when I went to try to get her a breakfast on the postnatal ward they got cross with me because they thought I was trying to fetch a meal for my male, non-birthing partner. I was a size 10/12 back then; I didn't look vaguely plausible pregnant or postpartum. She wasn't properly checked for blood loss post-birth because we think they just didn't register who she was - someone glanced in and saw a woman-shaped person up and about with a baby, and they just looked past the very white woman lying down in bed bleeding. It's possible to play it for laughs and you have to try to, but honestly, it isn't very funny and DP had a horrible time.

On that note of black humour, I must borrow 'why keep a dog and bark yoursel!' Someone on here, ages ago, suggested 'I keep track of the incomings and she does the outgoings,' which also made me smile.

God that’s awful, your poor wife (and you too!). That shouldn’t be possible but sadly I can absolutely see how it would happen.

. We were ok when I was in labour- I’m ‘the femme one’ so it didn’t seem to cause confusion, but when I had some complications while on holiday in Europe early in the pregnancy, the nurses refused to let my wife into the room with me and just kept grilling me on where my husband was. She was left in a corridor with no clue what was happening.

I don’t normally reply on here, but my mum heart just went out to you 💜 I have two grown up children, and like in your situation childcare was pretty much shared. I gave myself a hard time for not breastfeeding (medical issues) and then for going back to college to complete my course - the list of mum guilt is endless! My kids are grown up now, and I wish I’d had more confidence in myself when they were little. I look back and can see how loved they were, and how cared for. They are lovely teenagers now! And really proud that I managed to get a degree while they were growing up. They didn’t feel abandoned by me still doing the things I loved and being their mum at the same time. You clearly love your daughter very much. They do go through periods of attaching to one parent over another. My daughter at the same age would only go to sleep with her dad. I used to cry sometimes because it upset me that I couldn’t settle her! But I grew to love the bond they had and I still have a special bond with her too. Go easy on yourself - kids change constantly. It’s like there no such thing as a “phase” it’s just always changing as they grown and learn. You got this mama xxx

This won’t last. My daughter was all for me when she was a baby, never wanted her dad. Now she loves her dad just as much and wants him just as much. I know it’s not nice, but it’s temporary, I think babies always prefer one parent over the other, so don’t take it to heart

Don't let it ruin your relationship long-term. My Mum was ill after I was born and my Dad did much of the caring. I didn't find this out until my late teens and worse, it was only then that I developed a close bond to my Mum. She was scared of rejection so withdrew and I just felt rejected. But actually, she adored me and I adored her.

Babies are fickle things. Work on your relationship now and suddenly it will be you they reach for just as much x

I feel like I should defend E Nesbit, a far superior writer to Enid Blyton, who actually wrote 5 Children and It, along with the sequel, The Phoenix and the Carpet, and The Railway Children. The youngest child is known throughout as "The Lamb" and the "It" is a very grumpy prehistoric wish-granting creature called a Sammead they find in a quarry and visit daily. The Sammead would be furious to be referred to as a pet.

We very affectionately call our DS “the baby” because he was the first grandchild, great grandchild, nephew etc so he will always be the baby.. I guess until another little one comes along.

and OP if it makes you feel any better, DS always wants my husband not me. I’m a SAHM and he WFH mostly but does have to travel a lot so I don’t think it matters who does most the childcare. Sometimes it’s because they feel more secure with you and know you are always there for them

Oh dear it’s nothing to worry about babies go through this stage, it will change soon enough; make the time she’s with you fun; play daft games to make her laugh; the more she sees you as the entertainer the more she will look to you for cheering her up; if she’s on the move play hide & peel with her; make daft noises, honestly the more she’s laughs the less you’ll feel as you do now x

Totally normal...my 18 month old has done this since day 1...I'm flavour of the day until she sees her Aunties, then I'm not interesting to her lol..babies have phases of who's their favourite...and totally normal to feel a bit put out too...