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Original poster

Baby only wants DP. I'm so upset.

136 replies

alwaysthesame12 · 01/06/2023 08:32

We have an 11 month old baby.
Same sex couple. I gave birth but went back to work after a really short time. My wife has had the shared parental leave.
I work 3 days per week. So I'm with the baby 4 days per week. And in the mornings, evenings and then sometimes for an hour during my working day because I work from home.

Recently the baby hasn't really been wanting me that much. She holds her hands up to my wife so much more for her to pick her ip. She cries when my partner leaves the room sometimes. This morning, I went to get her from her cot and she didn't want me to pick her up. Then as soon as she sees my wife she smiles and her hands are straight in the air.

I feel awful. I already truly regret going back to work. I wish I'd had more time off. And now I'm just so upset that the baby doesn't feel as attached to me as my wife. I know my wife has obviously spent more time with her and the baby probably depends on her more than me. I just feel truly heartbroken.

OP posts:
Retrain12345 · 01/06/2023 20:20

I do everything for mine and they all prefer DH. I did read somewhere that it was actually a sign of good parenting because they feel so secure with you they don’t care about offending you. That’s probably rubbish but it made me feel better 😄

Mopscharlotte · 01/06/2023 20:37

Hey first start emotionally beating yourself up .

  1. why does it matter your a single sex family ? Love is love care is care . It’s great there’s two of you to support each other and that’s the journey .
  2. keep supporting each other
  3. ensure your expectations and boundless mirror each other , you little one knows this already at a young age
  4. understand you have different roles as a couple , and if presented in a positive fashion enriches them in a holistic manner … have a big hug all of you you have many things to give as a partnership to your little one and too yourselves … go for it mums
WhatAmIDoingWrong123 · 01/06/2023 21:02

GiltEdges · 01/06/2023 09:15

How patronising.

DS frequently went through phases like this when he was a baby of not wanting DH in particular. DH found it incredibly difficult, despite knowing it was completely normal. When each phase came to an end, it was a relief and felt like a cloud had been lifted. At no point did we laugh about it... because it wasn't funny.

Show quote history

How dramatic are you.

sellotape12 · 01/06/2023 21:03

This sounds really tough OP, and want to extend loads of empathy and virtual hugs. Mine has done this in phases too. At around ten months, only wanted daddy, never interested in me which was really upsetting and confusing. Now at 15 months, he's obsessed with me and turns away from daddy, shakes his head or pulls out of his arms. Nothing has caused either thing. It's honestly just a weird phase they go through as they're learning so much.
Also it's sooo hard going back to work, your heart will always be in conflict. If you're happy with finding your identity again through work, and it makes more sense for the family financially, don't feel guilty: happy mum = happy baby.
Maybe in the meantime, try hog whatever time of day she likes the most. Can you do bedtime stories with her? Or is it tickle time before the bath?

Come back and tell us how she is in a while!

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 01/06/2023 21:03

My kid did this for the first few years of his life with my husband. I’m the functional parent, he’s the fun and silly one. It used to get to me a lot as it wasn’t ‘natural’ (I didn’t really think that but rejection is hard, it twists things) but it is a phase. He knows I am reliable, always honest with him, takes him in adventures, and he now often chooses me.

It is tough, it’s a real wrench, but it will pass.

WombatBombat · 01/06/2023 21:04

DS was obsessed with his dad between 9-18 months. I couldn’t do anything for him (except feed him), I was basically a cow.

Then it slowly started shifting and from 2, he has become a full-blown Mama’s boy. Only wants me, actively says no Daddy, and will only listen to me.

It’s kind of worked in our favour because we now both see the other side of it and how frustrating it can be to be the preferred parent and upsetting to be the non-preferred. So it’s helped us sympathise and be a better team.

sellotape12 · 01/06/2023 21:05

< another thing I forgot to mention is mine really warmed up when he saw his two parents affectionate towards each other. So when he's in the highchair, my husband and I make sure to hug, or kiss, or when we're all paying in the garden, baby knows mummy & daddy like and love each other. He claps his hands in excitement when we hug.

They know more than we think they do.

NightandViolets · 01/06/2023 21:05

DD went through a phase like this at 18 months for about a year. She’d only want to hold DH’s hand, would let go of mine if I took it, got upset if I picked her up from nursery/ILs etc instead of him. In our case I think it partly coincided with him getting a new job and not being around as much - she was desperate to hang onto him when he was there.

I found it deeply upsetting (and embarrassing when it involved her having a tantrum in front of my ILs because she was disappointed to see me) and was so relieved when it passed. My only words of comfort is to remember that children are not trying to be vindictive or play mind games when they do this - the baby is just gravitating to who they see as the main caregiver at the moment and not meaning to hurt you. Can you spend some one on one time with baby when you are free? Go for some nice walks and play silly games? Get really involved at mealtimes when you can so they associate you with food, care and play? You both sound like great parents and I promise it will get easier.

Lemming20 · 01/06/2023 21:09

So normal! Hugs to you because it is horrible at the time, but my two flit between only liking my partner or only liking me and it has only just stopped hurting 5 years later 😁

SunnySaturdayMorning · 01/06/2023 21:14

Baby forms a primary attachment in the first year, that is their default parent. Usually it is mum because she gave birth and is on ML.

Secondary attachments to the other parent and subsequently grandparents etc come later.

It’s not personal, it’s how their development and brains work.

sparch · 01/06/2023 21:17

Hey OP, same sex couple here too (not the birth mum).

Everyone who’s commented is right, it is a normal stage of development. I had it with my now 2.5yr old last year and really got to breaking point. Then I listened to a podcast, it’s called ‘Talking Sense with Dr Martha’, there’s an episode called ‘when parents pick a favourite, what can parents do?’

She basically said kids do this because they are ready to push boundaries and assert authority, and they do this with their parents because they feel secure enough to push you away and know you’re not actually going to leave them. She also said that if you feel particularly rejected by your toddler doing this it might be more to do with your feelings than the toddler - perhaps there are some abandonment issues coming up from your past that are contributing. I can only speak for myself on this one but when I gave it some thought I realised actually it’s true for me, I think my reaction was partly due to some stuff from my childhood (not being the favourite, always feeling not good enough).

Bottom line, s/he doesn’t mean it. Keep doing what you’re doing, stop with the mum guilt on going back to work and just keep trying. You’ll soon be the favourite again, and then not, and then again… good luck!

PrincessesRUs · 01/06/2023 21:26

My children are like this - always want me and never my husband. We both work hard at recognising it's tough - me because I inevitably end up being interrupted much more, and him always being rejected. We're also absolutely scrupulous that we take it in turns with each child and alternate nights. I would be in pieces of mine rejected me the way they do him so I really hear what you're saying. It really helps when I back out and I not around - then they have lovely time with daddy.

Hellno45 · 01/06/2023 21:29

It hurts but it's just a phase. My 2 have switched between me and my DH being the favourite numerous times. At the moment they my eldest (4) is telling me she doesn't love and she hates me which really cuts. Phrase of the week is this to shall pass.

stayathomer · 01/06/2023 21:30

As most have said above, they totally go through phases-we had this when I'd given up work and dh was only there at weekends, then suddenly it changed. Go easy on yourself, it's a really tiring and emotional time x

Justchooseone · 01/06/2023 21:31

My DS has preferred DP for about a year now. People say it will pass but it hasn’t. It can make me feel very sad. I hear you OP.

GrapefruitGin · 01/06/2023 21:35

FoggyDew · 01/06/2023 08:49

Also, your wife will have to deal with all the and ‘so you aren’t my REAL mum?’ ‘I’m not actually related to you’ etc as the baby gets older which you won’t!

This is really rude and insensitive 🙄

PeloMom · 01/06/2023 21:47

It’s a phase. Enjoy the break while it lasts. Before you know it baby will be velcroed to you.

FoggyDew · 01/06/2023 21:50

GrapefruitGin · 01/06/2023 21:35

This is really rude and insensitive 🙄

Show quote history

Is it? Why?!

I’ve lost count of the number of times my wife and I have been asked this (sometimes by children, often by medical staff who are flustered when trying to work out which medical history they need, or education staff who need to know who has PR).

And the children all went through a stage when learning about where babies come from etc where they talked about who they inherited their hair colour from or whatever, and which of their parents had the genetic link to them was important to them for a week or two.

FoggyDew · 01/06/2023 21:51

@GrapefruitGin

Pressthespacebar · 01/06/2023 21:53

OP I’m a Sahm of 8 and some of mine did this with my dh. Please don’t feel bad about going back to work, it’s just a phase and it will pass 💐

SarahAndQuack · 01/06/2023 21:54

Mopscharlotte · 01/06/2023 20:37

Hey first start emotionally beating yourself up .

  1. why does it matter your a single sex family ? Love is love care is care . It’s great there’s two of you to support each other and that’s the journey .
  2. keep supporting each other
  3. ensure your expectations and boundless mirror each other , you little one knows this already at a young age
  4. understand you have different roles as a couple , and if presented in a positive fashion enriches them in a holistic manner … have a big hug all of you you have many things to give as a partnership to your little one and too yourselves … go for it mums
  1. Why wouldn't it matter? Really, you think it makes no difference or can just be dismissed?
pimplebum · 01/06/2023 21:57

They go through phases we are same sex too and one week it's all me next I'm rejected in favour of my partner
Please don't take it seriously or personally often it's the partner they see the least

SarahAndQuack · 01/06/2023 21:58

SunnySaturdayMorning · 01/06/2023 21:14

Baby forms a primary attachment in the first year, that is their default parent. Usually it is mum because she gave birth and is on ML.

Secondary attachments to the other parent and subsequently grandparents etc come later.

It’s not personal, it’s how their development and brains work.

But in this case both parents are mum, and the OP gave birth.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 01/06/2023 22:03

SarahAndQuack · 01/06/2023 21:58

But in this case both parents are mum, and the OP gave birth.

Show quote history

I know Confused But OP isn’t the default parent, so she isn’t the primary attachment.

SarahAndQuack · 01/06/2023 22:05

FoggyDew · 01/06/2023 21:50

Is it? Why?!

I’ve lost count of the number of times my wife and I have been asked this (sometimes by children, often by medical staff who are flustered when trying to work out which medical history they need, or education staff who need to know who has PR).

And the children all went through a stage when learning about where babies come from etc where they talked about who they inherited their hair colour from or whatever, and which of their parents had the genetic link to them was important to them for a week or two.

Show quote history

I totally get where you are coming from here, and agree there was nothing in the least insensitive or rude in being open about the realities of same-sex parenting on a thread about that subject (Hmm). But ... do you not find both of you get stuck with these questions? We do. DP is DD's birth mum but DD still targets a lot of her 'but ...!' questions at her. Even if she's answering for me, it's still awkward being asked 'so why couldn't you have mummy Sarah's baby' or 'why did I have to be in your tummy?'

I think children have boundless curiosity, but also a great and terrible instinct for asking the questions that just push your buttons!

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