To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

[queasyjet]

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

OP, a few times on here I have made asking questions about how to deal with my overbearing in laws. I did get sympathetic and helpful advice from some but I also got lots of comments like the above. Except I was being 'too protective,' got told 'it's DH's baby too,' 'they deserve a relationship with baby,' and I needed to 'chill out.' Was also given off for 'putting them down', like above when I had shared my opinion of my own experience on an anonymous board. They were all wrong btw, in-laws continued to be OTT and overbearing, to the point they crossed the line so much that DH has decided he wanted minimal contact.

I'm not saying this as I think your family are overbearing but because I think the same people attacking me are the same kind of people who are attacking you now. I have noticed you have stood up for yourself only to be labelled aggressive, which is ironic, considering the venom in some of their posts. There is simply no point in conversing with people like this, they have no desire to help you or offer advice, they simply want to attack. Presumably because they are deeply unhappy in their own mediocre, unsatisfying lives. By responding to them you are feeding their pathetic need for attention. Ignore them and take advice from those who offered it with good intentions.

You were not unreasonable to give your SIL your opinion in response to her question, it was honest. Her protectiveness is extreme and unusual and it will affect the way family interacts with baby. But as many have said it may be anxiety or PNP. In which case, patience and understanding will go a long way. Support wise, I feel you will be shut down if you offer or suggest anything meaningful. In which case, all you and the family can do is accept and respect her wishes. However, despite what people say on here you are certainly entitled to your opinion and are certainly not a bad person for sharing it on here.

Always a label gets hung on loopy behaviour, she's clearly read far too many books and her child is now suffering for it. I'd keep her at arm's length too and let her know why.

I can never understand these touch , don’t pick don’t kiss don’t breathe on my baby brigade . Those kids will have no defendes as they have no contact with the outside world !
I think your only mistake is not including your brother in that conversation as he is just as much to blame for alienating everyone . Poor baby

There are some strange people, but everyone copied differently with stress.

I think unfortunately her reluctantly to share her baby with the wider family will have an impact on the bond they have with him. Especially if the mother continues to block contact.

It doesn't mean you won't love the child but that you won't be too familiar with each other.

This is the price parents and children will have to pay for being distant.

Hopefully with time, mother will become more confident and sharing. Things may hopefully improve to increase the bond.

I do think you did the right thing by tell her the truth, especially since she asked.

Honestly OP, I think you're being a massive dick. Also, I was certainly feeding my baby A LOT more than every 4-5 hours at 4 months. That is a long gap between feeding at such a young age.

Honestly I wouldn't want anything to do with you if you were my SIL based on this entire post and your comments.

Since when did you need to be 'stripped to the waist' to breast feed unless you're an exhibitionist?

I was a bit like this with DD, although not to the same extent. I don't know what it was, perhaps PPA reading some of these posts. I adore my mum but I couldn't stand her holding my baby. I felt like she was going to steal her (totally irrationally) and I spent the whole time feeling a very real tension rise in me until I gave in and snatched her back. I would snap if she lifted her from the pram. I intentionally only arranged contact time where physical contact was low or nonexistent which is what i suspect your SIL is doing with her visits. The more people pressured me to hold DD the more I pulled back, because the pressure fed the hormonal possessive monster in me. It was so intense. I have never experienced anything like it. I am surprised at the number of posters calling this batshit though 😳

It faded over time but 5 months in we were still very much in the thick of it. Maybe a little bit of sympathy for your SIL is warranted. It is sad for your family that she doesnt want you to be involved in the way you might have expected, but she probably doesn't want to feel like this either. Nothing lasts forever and she will maybe come round after mat leave when she has had more practice being physically separate from lo.

Very sad for your parents and your grandfather- and the baby too.

Your SIL could be suffering from anxiety or could be enjoying the control of granting/not granting access, but she did ask why people weren't trying to see the baby.

I have 0 emotional attachment to my nephew because of the choices and behaviour of his parents when he was a baby. I genuinely love spending time with friends’ children who I have known for the same length of time and equally they like seeing me because of the relationship we’ve built over the last few years and months. So I do understand where you’re coming from.

You’ve got some harsh responses op but YANBU. SIL sounds like one of those women who want everything on their terms and don’t give a shit about the wider ‘tribe’. Well that’s the price she’ll pay when no one is bonded with her kid.

You clearly didn't experience cluster feeding then 😅 Have you considered that maybe she doesn't want you to hold the baby because she feels you're all being too pushy and it's getting her back up?
I mean you don't talk about her very nicely and clearly don't like her, so why would she want to give you the privelidge of being all over her precious baby?
Like PP said, the baby isn't a toy to be passed about for pleasure, and at that age, maybe mum just wants to keep him close.
The odd cuddle would be nice yes, but maybe if you were more supportive and less critical she would let you in more.

You were horrible to a new mum. The key bond here is between the parents and the baby and it’s up to them to set their boundaries. Theirs are a bit unusual and I could understand you being concerned for them but you’re just angry with them / her for not behaving how you want and now here you are slagging her off and saying you’ve ‘given up’ on a baby to punish the parents. You know better than this.

Agree with other posters. You sound really judgemental. I wouldn't want to open up to you if I was struggling and it sounds like she is. Lots of women don't enjoy having other people hold their young babies. I have a newborn and am often amazed how entitled people are to take her for a cuddle and hand her back the minute she needs changing or a feed only to have arms out again when she's done. It makes mums feel like a baby machine and frankly it's bad manners.

It sounds like she has some sort of MH problem…BUT she asked the question and honestly, if she didn’t want the answer she shouldn’t have asked the question.

Placing babies on their back is not a recent thing. I was told to sleep baby on her back 30 years ago.

Perhaps I am. I've just popped downstairs to make a cup of tea wearing nothing but my underpants. I don't get many unexpected visitors these days though. Mores the pity.....

but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length.

You were asked a question and gave a perfectly reasonable honest answer. Your SIL shouldn't ask questions if she is not prepared to hear an answer she may not like.

I want to give your SIL the benefit of the doubt here. I was never the same with my babies, but I also didn't have to have my babies in the wake of a pandemic. I can see how that might make a parent more cautious, even now.

She does sound OTT but you don't sound quite reasonable to me either OP. I think you were reasonable to tell your SIL the truth since she asked.

Not all your facts are correct, OP. I was told to sleep babies on their back 30 years ago. I never did tummy time, even though it was a thing back then, because the babies hated it. They all turned over in their own time, crawled and walked early. I was told that tickling baby feet could lead to brain damage. I suspect that's not true but didn't risk it. My Little Piggie was fine though.

Agree with this.

She got what she asked for. I'd ignore her questioning. I read on here about new mums who are VERY precious with their baby, normally there's an underlying passive aggressiveness against their MIL/they only want their own mum around.

Rules and regulations, don't want anyone near your child for weeks/months, lording it over who can visit and who can't - People tend to forget, others are NEVER as deeply interested in your child as you are. So you take the risk that eventually they just won't bother with you, they're not exactly going to beg to visit or bond with your child. Life goes on.

Very outdated information, babies should be fed on demand. I see you're picking and choosing which bits of your google searches to spout as gospel.

I don't get this whole 'no one can see or hold the baby' trend. My awesome, well adjusted teens/adults were passed around like a parcel.lol

This post though? I can't help but feel for your SIL. The way you speak about her, the way you say "we think" "we feel" makes it clear that you all discuss and judge. As if she doesn't 'feel' that, or 'know' that.

I wasn't fussed who held my babies but tbh, with your clear disdain of your SIL and actively stoking the fire (way too happily I might add), I wouldn't want you near mine if I was your SIL. 🤷‍♀️

🙄I tickle my sons feet he just giggles 🤷‍♀️

Just read all op’s posts, can’t believe how many posters are calling op ‘aggressive’ or ‘judgemental’. Op you must have the patience of a saint. Can’t believe what piss takers they are (having your parents bank rolling them and shopping delivered).

They sound totally self centred. I think what a lot of people who are struggling (or who have struggled) with anxiety or depression don’t always realise is people who care (such as your family) often do want to help and support, but being constantly pushed away (whether intentionally or not) is hurtful and in the end people will stop bothering, not because they don’t care or want to help or support but because they are sick and tired of having their feelings hurt.

It’s a really sad state of affairs but unfortunately it happens very often in a lot of families. It’s the child (and op & her family) I feel very sorry for.

The parents have an anxiety, possibly Covid induced, and need you to speak plain about how you are worried and how it has resulted in their child not interacting with family.

Speak to your brother - regularly about how they are coping.

Is there a history of abuse that your SIL is reacting to?
Is the baby suffering a disorder?
You'd like to start reacting normally.
Discuss what normal looks like.
Support them in consulting their doctor about their fears.

Make sure you interact with your little nephew as much as you can/as much as they feel comfortable with.