To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

[queasyjet]

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

Glad you were honest with her. Her actions have consequences, and your SIL was obviously enjoying the frequent requests to hold the baby and has her nose out of joint that people aren't clamouring over her all the time.

Relationships need to be nurtured, she is doing nothing to nurture the relationship her son has with the wider family.

Hopefully she will have a rethink now.

I remember the cuddling my DS got the first time we went to visit my family when he was 6 months old (other side of the world). First couple of times he had a bit of shocked look on his face, but very quickly started to reach out for his new favourite people to pick him up. Babies love being loved.

We see him a lot, can’t touch him, hold him, cuddle him, play with him, my dads head was bitten off for stroking his hair.

I think you're getting an unduly hard time from PP. Your SIL's health concerns about people having physical contact with her baby have tipped into paranoia. He's nearly six months old and they come to your house twice a week for tea and you're STILL not allowed to go near him? That's not normal.

“I need to be able to touch your baby if you expect me to care in anyway about it”

exactly wtf

So many comments like this! Try having a baby in the middle of a heatwave, where your house doesn't go below 40 degrees centigrade, while they're in a clusterfeeding phase AND are extra thirsty from the heat...

Sure, you can put your bra and top back on every 20 minutes, while you're pouring with sweat, or you could relax a little and just chill with your top off, in the privacy of your own home. Why is that so outrageous?!

They're anxious parents. Surely that's not so hard to understand? They'll probably calm down in time. You and your family, on the other hand, sound slightly mad -- what's with the obsession with 'being allowed' to cuddle this baby and stroke his hair, and play 'One Little Piggy'? I mean, he's not going to go away. You are also being quite unpleasant and judgemental about this woman's intelligence.

I think people are forgetting that the sil asked a specific question and she got an answer. OP didn’t decide to just walk up to her unannounced and tell her she’s being more possessive than is usual. I have photos of my first born in the arms of my mum and pics of him being held by my sister and I hadn’t even left the hospital.

Exactly.

I have a baby the same age as OP's nephew, I'm also a first time mum and I couldn't imagine isolating my baby from family members like this. Especially for 6 MONTHS.

Then maybe you haven’t suffered from severe PPA?

Its impact can show itself in many ways, this is one of them.

Op never said she didn't feed on demand she said its normal for them to go 4-5 hours at 4 months, which it is. All my 4 were at that age , even the bf ones and they were all fed on demand even the one who was born 28 years ago. On demand feeding isn't a new thing

That's possible. It's also possible that she's just incredibly controlling and goes on TikTok too much since it seems to be trendy to 'lay down the law' and isolate your baby from family members, especially during the first weeks.

Who knows.

But newsflash, people are different to you, eh, so they might have different attitudes and needs. Shock horror.

SIL might have postpartum anxiety. So step off the poor woman. Respect her wishes - she's very vulnerable right now. It's not gonna kill anyone by waiting a bit.

She might have ppa but she also might just enjoy the attention and is now put out people are losing interest which is why she asked OP the question.

I wouldn't say that waiting 6 months is waiting 'a bit' either.

OP have your own baby, your brothers parenting choices are none of your business.

Are some of you saying you’d have no issue if you weren’t allowed to hold your grandchildren for six months because of baby anxiety? I’ve no idea if she’s allowing her own mother to hold her baby or other members of her own family but I know I’d be very upset if I was not allowed to hold my grandchild for six months because my son’s wife/partner wouldn’t allow it. I guess some of you would be fine with that but I admit I wouldn’t.

Reading your post I feel so sorry for your SIL.
she is very obviously likely to be suffering from postnatal anxiety, and instead of any kindness or support she also has to put up with her supposed in-laws bitching about her and putting pressure on her to hand her baby over. Crying about not holding someone else’s baby is a lot more
unusual than a first time mum experiencing postnatal anxiety.

Tummy time is poorly named. It should be called "time not spent lying flat on their back", but that's not very snappy, is it? Time spent anywhere except flat on their back counts, so being held, lying on a caregiver's chest for a nap, being in a sling etc. all count.

Minor tangent, in case any new parents are panicking about not "doing tummy time" enough...

As you were.

Just the in laws or her own family too?

You sound like you zoom in on strangers pics to rant about car seat straps. I doubt you'd help her anxiety even if you genuinely cared.

@willWillSmithsmith to be honest for all we know her family of origin could be the reason she’s got such issues with anxiety/trauma response. Doesn’t come out of nowhere does it.

Why are you asking about grandparents who haven't held their grandchild for five months? The OP is posting about her parents who have held their five month old grandchild 'a handful of times'.

Why the need on here to always embellish things? Just stick to what's been said and ask posters about that.

Lol, laughing my butt off 🤣 😂 😆
If you are my SIL keep your vile judgmental nose out of it....

Maybe - she just wants to do things her way - new parents 🤔 let them take the time that they need to feel it is ready.

If you are my "not so dear SIL" I am glad I have seen this post...... 😄- so glad 😊 😃 😀 😄

She sounds really OTT but so do you OP with your rules and regulations. Advice changes so often, I don’t think you can be as black and white as you seem to be. Having a 6 year old kid doesn’t give you the right to be judge and jury on everyone else’s parenting. That said, your SIL does need to listen to sound advice, not rubbish she has seen on social media.

I started off thinking YANBU but the more you post, the more I think YABU. You seem to assume your way of doing things is the only way and are very salty with anyone who disagrees with you which makes me wonder if you’re like this with SIL

Uh oh!