To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

[queasyjet]

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

Sounds like your SIL has post natal depression. My SIL was overly protective of her son when he was first born, actually behaved very like your SIL.

Post natal depression is a very debilitating condition. Maybe she needs understanding and help rather than you all getting on her case that you can’t do xyz with the baby. Maybe encourage your Brother to speak to their health visitor for some objective advice.

Hope it all works out for you all.

Tough one really…

I had my daughter in the first covid lockdown, window visits for weeks then garden visits and holding with masks when she was a couple of months old. In hindsight I never would have been so strict but we do what we think is best to protect our children.

I do think she is being OTT but I’m sure people thought that about me at the time too

So you all see the baby all the time what's the need to physically be touching him then? I have to say I hate this thing that baby should be passed around all the time for cuddles and stuff... nope.

You can absolutely bond with him without cuddling, feeding etc I would also find that a bit much especially if there were so many people wanting to physically touch the baby. I let my mum do that and stepdad but he certainly wouldn't be getting passed round to multiple people just to satisfy their need to treat a baby like a doll. And sorry but an elderly (did you say sick man?) is the absolutely last person I would want holding a baby. It's just overkill and pushy.

I feel so sorry for your SIL She seems unwell which is horrible but by saying what you did you will alienate her. Anxiety is truly awful and to be met with such hostility from family is mean. And yes telling her that your family have given up ok a 5month old is awful and the way you speak about her on here shows that you clearly can't stand her and judge her, you called her a "hun" for God's sake! It seems like she can't do anything right. She will totally pick up on that. Why on earth would she want to hand the most precious thing in her life over to you lot, I wouldn't either.

Sounds like your SIL is dim. Not everything is PND or PNA. There are a lot of unintelligent people out there.

PTSD, anxiety, maybe post partnum and now post natal depression? Personally, I would be calling her, asking her if she was okay and inviting her out for a coffee

I’m so sick of other people telling mother’s how to parent their young babies. I had a baby 7 months ago and all sorts of emotions and anxiety goes through your head, most of which is hormonal. Also remember they’re both probably sleep deprived. Give her a break, let her mother the way she feels safe and be there for her when she’s ready. You’re making this about everyone else but her. Also saying your SIL isn’t bright on a public forum is really unkind, she probably picks up on this vibe which would add to potential insecurities around you. She just went through birth and pregnancy, seriously leave her be and apologize.

This

This!

I couldn't ever just give up a bond after a few months because I couldn't get to hold my nephew. How about a few kind words of support for her? She's a new mum, ask her of she's OK rather than being a dick. She's being OTT but clearly isn't in a great place mentally.

Shock horror - not everyone is the same! @Coyoacan

Well you don't have to and neither does she - but then don't whine when people lose interest in your kid.

It’s a bit hard to take when someone believes every bit of hogwash going.
If you believe I’m going to cause internal damage by touching his feet I will never bother with anything more than a polite hello and smile. I can’t even imagine trying to keep a straight face for a that conversation.

This is interesting, never really thought about it like that, I was thinking reading the post that we never did tummy time because our little one HATED it and cried, so we’d stop, I felt a bit conflicted at the time because we were told we should! But she met all her milestones with no problems. I did baby wear and she sat up a lot quite early on, so that may explain why it wasn’t really necessary for us.

The expectation to hand over your precious newborn baby to people who treat you disrespectfully is so damaging to her already fragile mental health. It sounds as if you all gang up on her with your little comments and passive aggressive behaviour, no wonder she keeps her distance and doesn’t readily hand her baby over to you.

You’re both being unreasonable. Your BIL and SIL sound utterly insane and thick as mince, though you’re also unreasonable to want to hold somebody else’s baby “for hours”- they’re not dolls.

Your SIL and BIL need someone to stage a proper intervention - tell them to stop believing crap on the internet, only rely on the NHS for baby advice, and that you’re all extremely hurt by being kept well away from the child. They’re not behaving normally and you’re worried it’ll affect the baby’s socialisation. If they continue acting well out of the bounds of normal behaviour I’d report to social services, before they create a very unhappy child. They may need parenting classes.

The hard bit is she expects to be given distance and respect then is upset when she is given it. If you aren’t allowed near the baby what more can you do than ask how is the baby. That’s a 2 min conversation at most before that gets uncomfortable.

@Underthesquee tummy time is relatively new because so is only putting babies down on their backs. Before that people put babies on their tummy to sleep so they had lots of tummy time every day. Having tummy time is not new at all, it just needed to be added as an ‘activity’ once it stopped happening normally.

Tummy time is monitored by a parent , safe sleeping is done on their back . There is a direct link between the decline in sids.

Fucking hell the responses on here 😱 bet you wish you'd never posted now eh op? When you think MN can't get any more batshit.
Op, just leave them to it. They want to be left alone so leave them alone. I would be advising family not to even ask for a cuddle if it causes her anxiety. It may be anxiety who knows but you need to step back totally. Like I said, I would be advising family to do the same.

Their baby their rules unfortunately🙄

YANBU, but your SIL and some of these comments are. She set strict rules for how people could interact with her child, and everyone has respected that even when they don't agree with it. She asked you a direct question, and you gave her an honest answer.

If she doesn't want anyone touching her child that's fine; a bit ridiculous imo but fine. However she cannot then be upset that nobody is begging for it anymore or that people aren't interacting with him as much. Once you are able to actually play with him and interact with him things will improve, but as of right now you can't do that beyond talking to him while she holds him.

I know someone who was exactly like this with their baby, and yet still complained as to why people were not affectionate with him. I think you did the right thing in telling her the truth, then she will learn for the next baby.

Agreed. Why does everyone think a new mum is obliged to hand over her baby to any relative for any amount of kissing/holding/whatever pretty much immediately? It’s a baby, it’s not a toy.

Tough call. I'm so on the fence I have arse splinters so haven't voted.
Your SIL clearly has PPA.
My SIL had a lockdown baby and was like this. It took 18 months before she went out of the house, my niece has just turned 3 and has never been looked after by anyone apart from her and her husband. Never socialised with another child or anyone really, apart from her parents. When she sees my DD (5) she hugs her to the point of knocking her over and her behaviour is far from good. SIL has never put her in nursery or anything and will continue not too, it's a concern how she'll be when she starts school.

However, your family sounds pretty overbearing. I don't understand the passing around and wanting to feed the baby. Also going round there so often. Sounds far too intense. It's still early days. Wait a few months, it could be a different story. Your nephew is only 5/6 months.
You are coming across as pretty judgemental in your posts.
I don't think YWBU to tell her how it is, but how about seeing things from another perspective. She is clearly struggling. Why not be a little more understanding.

Why wouldn’t a man want to hold his wife’s brother’s baby or his friend’s baby?

I really hope this is SIL.

Might hold a mirror up to how judgemental you are OP