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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother in Law uses our London home as a crash pad often

158 replies

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:36

Just wondering if I'm being unreasonable. My brother in law lives rurally with my father in law. Since we bought our new home he asks about once a month ( sometimes more) to crash at our house for 1-3 nights. He would sometimes do this for the odd work meeting but he's doing it now to socilize and meet up with London friends and women.

Me and my husband are exhausted with demanding jobs, 2 children one of whom is almost a teen and we just like our space some weekends and midweek.

My father in law does this as well frequently although he is inclined to book a hotel in Central London.

I like the idea of visitors but it is entirely o their terms and they don't end up seeing us and the children much at all.
Husband feels cornered and so do I.
We don't actually have a guest room but a sofa bed in a room which the children use for games and for their sleepovers and having out.

It just gets a bit much. I resent his life, he's my age, has an easy job, air bnbs his home ( which was pretty much bought for him) while he makes use of his family house ( my in laws hosue). We are always exhausted and always feel we are needing space to recuperate or time together as a family.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 31/05/2023 14:37

Just tell him it's really not convenient anymore for him to crash.

ThatsNotGoodMelon · 31/05/2023 14:37

Say no then.

travailtotravel · 31/05/2023 14:38

Just say no? Or say yes occassionally and limit it to 1 or 2 nights. Just do what works for you and your family, not what works for him.

FangsForTheMemory · 31/05/2023 14:38

Tell him it’s £50 a night in advance for future stays.

Hazelnuttella · 31/05/2023 14:40

I’d say no. It’s only going to get harder the longer it goes on for. It’s pretty rude to just use it for free accommodation and not make any effort to actually spend time with you.

bakermummy21 · 31/05/2023 14:41

Say Sorry we don't have a sofa bed anymore. You'll have to book a hotel from now on

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:46

He's a nice person but I just feel he doesn't get it. He has so much time for himself but we don't. We have a tiny family ( my side are shit) so I guess I'm scared of offending him.

OP posts:
Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 31/05/2023 14:49

Haven't your dc got friends staying? Every week end.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2023 14:50

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:46

He's a nice person but I just feel he doesn't get it. He has so much time for himself but we don't. We have a tiny family ( my side are shit) so I guess I'm scared of offending him.

My greatest wish on MN is that so many posters would stop being such complete and utter doormats. It does my fucking head it.

SAY NO. Him being offended or not is not your problem. He's a cheeky arsehole and he needs to be told no for once.

user1492757084 · 31/05/2023 14:50

Your husband should speak plainly to his brother.
He needs to set boundaries so that the visits can be sustainable and enjoyable for all in the long term.

How about limiting visits to once per month and for two nights only .Ask him to please plan ahead and check whether the dates are fine.

Only accept him as a guest if it suits.

mainsfed · 31/05/2023 14:51

I would hate this, OP.

Could DH have a word with his dad, ask him to tell son to book a hotel from now on?

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:52

Yes that happens often. Daughter is nearly 13. I don't mind that at all. Yes him staying over sometimes means she can't do that sometimes.
I've spoken to a few friends and they've said tell him. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard! As is my husband.
We really like him and he's a fun uncle but lately it's been getting out of hand.

OP posts:
Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:55

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2023 14:50

My greatest wish on MN is that so many posters would stop being such complete and utter doormats. It does my fucking head it.

SAY NO. Him being offended or not is not your problem. He's a cheeky arsehole and he needs to be told no for once.

You are right. We feel like doormats. Would never impose on anyone like this so I'm just flabbergasted I guess.
Will tell him direct.
My husband is really exhausted from work and a demanding boss and desperate to leave but he's finding no time to look. Husband is very very hardworking and a really hands on dad too!

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 31/05/2023 14:55

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2023 14:50

My greatest wish on MN is that so many posters would stop being such complete and utter doormats. It does my fucking head it.

SAY NO. Him being offended or not is not your problem. He's a cheeky arsehole and he needs to be told no for once.

A million percent this!

Stop being concerned about what he might or might not feel if you say no.

If he gets offended = he won't be staying with you = a WIN
He doesn't get offended = he knows he can't stay with you = a WIN

Where is the down side???

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:55

Which is why he doesn't even get time to respond to the short notice WhatsApp messages , can I stay ....

OP posts:
SugarNspices · 31/05/2023 14:56

Just say sorry no when you don't feel like it. Sorry no I think my dd is wanting a friend over around then and she asked first. Or sorry we want the place to ourselves this week we are doing a spring clean, hosting, moving furniture around any lame excuses will be fine, so he won't ask as often maybe. Or just be honest with him.

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:58

Yes you are right. I would 100 percent be like this with my own siblings and them with me. Brother in law was definitely the over indulged child. Now in his mid 40s he is just used to doing as he pleases.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 31/05/2023 14:59

You don’t need to fall out. You just need to say ‘No, it’s not convenient this time’ to at least 50% of the requests.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/05/2023 15:00

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:55

Which is why he doesn't even get time to respond to the short notice WhatsApp messages , can I stay ....

‘Ah, no can do, X is planning to have friends stay over then. Would be nice to see you though; do you fancy coming and sharing a BBQ/drink/takeaway with us on y date instead, so we can catch up?’

Make it clear he can come and visit if he pitches in/helps pay/brings food and actually spends the time with you, but you’re not a free doss house for his social ents!

ididntwanttodoit · 31/05/2023 15:00

It's your husband's family, so up to him to deal with it (or not, as he so chooses).

Persuadable · 31/05/2023 15:02

say no!! and if you feel you need to soften it a bit - use your own words, they are perfect:

No, we really like you and you are a fun uncle but lately your vistis have been getting out of hand.

LookItsMeAgain · 31/05/2023 15:03

You get in there first then - create a WhatsApp group with you, your DH and your BiL and you say "Just wanted to let you know ahead of time that we won't be able to have you stay over whenever you're in London. Didn't want there to be any issues going forwards. We'd love to have you to dinner on your next trip to London if you're interested. All the best, @Needspace2023 "

Cut him off at the chase if you will.

gamerchick · 31/05/2023 15:05

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:46

He's a nice person but I just feel he doesn't get it. He has so much time for himself but we don't. We have a tiny family ( my side are shit) so I guess I'm scared of offending him.

Why. He doesn't give a toss about you?

Tell him you don't want people staying over for a bit and he'll have to make other arrangements. Come on lass, your bloke should be dealing with this anyway

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 15:14

I feel he's become more selfish since their mother died. He took on a lot while she was ill and I guess he is making up for it and trying to get out. My father in law also owns a flat I'm London but rents that out so he can have more spending money. I just wish they would use that. We've never asked for or received any help from any family member, financial or otherwise.
I wish they would just understand we are busy with rasing a family and a huge mortgage and we just don't like having visitors often let alone those who use our home as a crash pad.
Thanks for the tough words. We are doormats and we need to speak up.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 31/05/2023 15:18

My father in law also owns a flat I'm London but rents that out so he can have more spending money. I just wish they would use that.

Renting out property to generate an income is pretty standard, saying it’s ‘so he can have more spending money’ makes it sound rather greedy! They can’t use that