Brother in Law uses our London home as a crash pad often

[Needspace2023]

Just wondering if I'm being unreasonable. My brother in law lives rurally with my father in law. Since we bought our new home he asks about once a month ( sometimes more) to crash at our house for 1-3 nights. He would sometimes do this for the odd work meeting but he's doing it now to socilize and meet up with London friends and women.

Me and my husband are exhausted with demanding jobs, 2 children one of whom is almost a teen and we just like our space some weekends and midweek.

My father in law does this as well frequently although he is inclined to book a hotel in Central London.

I like the idea of visitors but it is entirely o their terms and they don't end up seeing us and the children much at all.
Husband feels cornered and so do I.
We don't actually have a guest room but a sofa bed in a room which the children use for games and for their sleepovers and having out.

It just gets a bit much. I resent his life, he's my age, has an easy job, air bnbs his home ( which was pretty much bought for him) while he makes use of his family house ( my in laws hosue). We are always exhausted and always feel we are needing space to recuperate or time together as a family.

Start saying "No". And you do not have to say why. Just, "Not this time, it's not convenient". It is important not to get into the Explaining Why Trap, so don't explain why. It's just, "not convenient".

If he asks at short notice he'll just end up getting short notice that it's not convenient. His problem, not yours. Nothing to apologise or feel bad about.

sorry, I didn’t finish.

BIL can’t stay in that if it’s rented out?

When he asks just say, "sorry x friends here money a sleep over". And ask your child to invite a friend over. He'll get the message.

Just say ‘no, doesn’t work for us this week.’

Yes they are greedy. We have good salaries but we work our arses off and of course worrying about pensions and mortgages. The flat father in law owns in Central London was rented out to pay for care while mother in law was ill but she died with covid in the first wave. I don't see why it needs to be rented out if they both love coming to London so often!
They are used to a very charmed life. My husband is very responsible and never imposes on anyone and pays his own way.
I think this thread is just affirming how I've been feeling.

If you can't say no, start to tell the dc they can go into their room as often as they want, go and wake up Uncle PITA in the process

If baffles me that so many grown adults struggle with the word no.

You can't complain that he keeps visiting when you sit back and let him!

We had similar for a while. BIL is a nice guy, would offer to cook occasionally and did buy the - very odd - bottle of wine. It started to grate. He was saving a lot of money and occasionally it would be really irritating. I had overseas friends stay and take my room while I was in kids bunk bed, as BIL was in spare room.

DH had a word and said it was no longer convenient on such a regular basis. No hard feelings. We still get on fine.

He’s clearly getting overfamiliar with the idea of staying at yours and it’s now the default option for him whenever he fancies it.

Think about how often you would be happy with and for how many nights, then spell it out.

I think I’d word it along the lines of you don’t mind having him to stay occasionally - every few months for a night or two perhaps- but he’s now requesting stays of several nights too frequently and isn’t understanding that regularly hosting guests overnight doesn’t work for you as a busy family.

Limit the stays. “Dd is having a sleepover that weekend so you can’t stay”. Make that a regular occurrence until it dies down. Encourage him to come rarely but actually spend time with you when he does come. He can use a hotel when he just wants to socialise with others and use your place as a crash pad.

I think yabu, because you never seem to have given him any indication it doesn’t work for you! It doesn’t need to be a confrontation - just ‘no, sorry, that doesn’t work for us’ any time he asks to visit and it doesn’t suit you. If that means he comes every two months or every six months then fine. But you can’t just welcome him with open arms every time he asks and then be annoyed at him coming.

Oh, come off it, surely he has time to reply "Sorry, no, we can't do it"?

@radiatorvalves that's good to know that you still get on. He is actually a really nice guy but does not get what it's like to raise a family , he's never even lived with a woman before and always had his space and his NGO job that doesn't pay much but is interesting and he travels.

That's my fear, I guess. Falling out. I have had a lot of stress with my own siblings and I'm afraid we will lose another relationship.

I will say its not possible this weekend and speak to husband about letting him know he can't just drop in.

It's been really really hectic at his work. His boss is absolutely mental,microchip manager and causes a lit pf chaos with demands. Financial sector. He wasn't to apply for another job but can't even find time. We've been doing tebvgarden by ourselves which was a bit mad of us but finished last weekend.

I know HE should be talking to him. They've got used to asking me as I'm the one who gives permission it seems...

I never really understand posts like this.

Just say no!

There’s no need for this to be a big drama. Your husband just needs to explain to his brother that you do love it when he visits but due to your busy family life/lack of spare room can’t accommodate it so often.

If BIL is a reasonable person he’ll understand. If not we’ll then he’s the one being a dick.

Just say no a few times and he’ll learn that it’s not a crash pad

I'm sure he won't be upset if you say no. Or advise him he can only stay for one night.

However, the more you post to justify yourself unnecessarily the worse you come across, so don't do that! You are perfectly entitled to not want him in your space without look ing at his wider living arrangements etc.

Also be aware that there might be advantages. I have a great relationship now with the teens whose family hospitality I abused for several years when I was living out of London. You get to know people better when you stay with them - those informal sitting around conversations can be meaningful - would your kids otherwise spend much time with him? Is them having a good relationship with him valuable?

Is it that bad if you say no and get a frosty response?

I'd have been tempted to let HMRC know about the air BnB, as I bet they don't.

Is there some way you can turn this around so you get something out of it? Perhaps ask that he does a spot of babysitting so you and your DH can get out, or perhaps get him to order in a takeaway to spare you some cooking? Something that makes your life easier so it feels more like a two way street rather than having to flat refuse his requests.

All of this. It baffles me that how few people on here seems capable of having, or willing to have, standard adult conversations with people.

He can still take 8 seconds to say, "Sorry, Pete. It's not convenient for you to come over this weekend."

Next time he wants to come just say your sofa is used for a sleepover. Another time say. Great you are coming we are going oit so you can do some babysitting for us. Another time say you are away(even if you are not because you can change your plans), or on his arrival hand him a mop and invite to join in the family spring clean weekend.
I know yiu should be able to say no. Bot including him in family chores and messing up his schedule shuld be fun to watch 😉

I hate confrontation but I think the nicest thing to do is to tell the truth which is

‘actually we are frazzled and need family time the next few weeks/this month’

You can always add that you would be love to see him for supper or to let you know next time he has work and is stuck if he’s not a CF and you want to soften it.

You have a right to decide who stays in your home and I can see why the frequent stays are annoying. However I do think you are being rather harsh on your bil. You talk about him never having responsibility, being a grown up etc but also that he was doing a lot of care for his mother. Did your husband step up and do his fair share of care or just leave it to his brother?