Page 3 | Brother in Law uses our London home as a crash pad often

Needspace2023 · 2023-05-31T13:36:02+00:00

Just wondering if I'm being unreasonable. My brother in law lives rurally with my father in law. Since we bought our new home he asks about once a month ( sometimes more) to crash at our house for 1-3 nights. He would sometimes do this for the odd work meeting but he's doing it now to socilize and meet up with London friends and women. Me and my husband are exhausted with demanding jobs, 2 children one of whom is almost a teen and we just like our space some weekends and midweek. My father in law does this as well frequently although he is inclined to book a hotel in Central London. I like the idea of visitors but it is entirely o their terms and they don't end up seeing us and the children much at all. Husband feels cornered and so do I. We don't actually have a guest room but a sofa bed in a room which the children use for games and for their sleepovers and having out. It just gets a bit much. I resent his life, he's my age, has an easy job, air bnbs his home ( which was pretty much bought for him) while he makes use of his family house ( my in laws hosue). We are always exhausted and always feel we are needing space to recuperate or time together as a family.

AlienSupaStar · 31/05/2023 15:51

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 15:32

It's been really really hectic at his work. His boss is absolutely mental,microchip manager and causes a lit pf chaos with demands. Financial sector. He wasn't to apply for another job but can't even find time. We've been doing tebvgarden by ourselves which was a bit mad of us but finished last weekend.

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If you used all the energy you used to type this long explanation about the horrible boss and crazy workload to type ONE message to BIL to say, “sorry not able to host for the next few months” - your life would be immediately be easier.

I really don’t understand your avoidance of just saying this.

As for “scared to lose relationships” - well is this a balanced and healthy relationship? He is using you and inconveniencing your whole family. How is that relational in a balanced way.

You don’t communicate or speak your actual truth ie this does not work for us, how is that a healthy relationship?

You are spending time making up excuses for his behaviour instead of just setting a clear; firm and fair boundary- I don’t understand it honestly @Needspace2023

Original poster

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 15:53

No, he uses the house to crash after a night out. Then he's there in the morning, might play a bit of ball with my son and then will meet another friend for lunch or whatever. My almost teen has no interest in hanging out with adults which os a drama buy I guess her age. No he is literally using the place as a crash pad, not coming to enjoy my dinner or whatever, I actually wouldn't mind that! He comes to London to eat out and see friends, go to a haoween party etc, not to spend time with us.
Father in law gets a takeaway with us midweek if he stays and to catch up with us but brother in law uses his time in London for his friends. Father in law does get hotels and only occasionally asks. Yes it's a bad siutaion and its a recent thing which has crept up . He was not like this before the pandemic and quite frankly when the kids were younger they would be of more use in entertaining and babysitting. We like going for our for date nights but we can afford babysitters. Last minute offers of date nights don't cut it. We could barely keep our eyes open last time.
I'm going to have to deal with it.
At one point brother in law had a key and was letting himself in. Husband took it back and he did say he wa taken aback when he cheekily asked for it again. He doesn't seem to get the hint so he's going to have to tell him directly.
I don't understand how he hasn't considered that it's annoying for a busy family.

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Original poster

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 15:56

My husband was visiting mother in law almost every week, 3 hour drive, full on job and primary school kids. It was a tough time and he did all he could. Sometimes we all went up but for 2 years we hardly had family time.
That's for the poster who's aid did my husband step up. Yeah he did. A lot and as much as he humanly could.

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NeverendingCircus · 31/05/2023 15:58

Say, "Yes, great, can you babysit the first night so we can go out. We might be back late but the kids can come in and play in your room if we need a lie-in."

Let the children go in and wake him as much as they choose. It's their home.

Or say, 'Can't help for a while. The kids are having lots of end-of-term sleep overs and then we are airbnbing it this summer while we're away."

Xmasbaby11 · 31/05/2023 16:00

Ah he's so inconsiderate OP. You wouldn't behave like this and impose, but he would, so unfortunately the hints are not enough and you need to tell him straight it's not convenient. It sounds like he and the DF have enough money to sort themselves out so nothing to feel guilty about - and anyway, they are choosing to go to London!

Original poster

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 16:00

Have to add I have no regrets about being their mother in law or held back my husband from doing so! I miss her so much and I lost my own mum a decade earlier and she was almost like my mum. We are a close family on in laws side but brother in law and sometimes father in law have become more selfish. I don't begrudge them enjoying life but we are exhausted with family and jobs.

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Original poster

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 16:04

there for mother in law

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LookItsMeAgain · 31/05/2023 16:05

He needs to start staying over in hotels.
He literally sounds like he's a few visits away from bringing home a woman to your flat!

He could do what he wants, show up when he wants and it's all part of the service provided by Holiday Inn or Premier Inn or wherever!

Just get in there first and tell him he can't stay over any more. Be brave!!!

Twobyfour · 31/05/2023 16:09

Was he given that key back?

I would say that it’s not convenient due to sleepover plans (be vague). You could casually ask why doesn’t he stay with his London pals if he moans that he was coming up for a social event with them.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 31/05/2023 16:11

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2023 14:50

My greatest wish on MN is that so many posters would stop being such complete and utter doormats. It does my fucking head it.

SAY NO. Him being offended or not is not your problem. He's a cheeky arsehole and he needs to be told no for once.

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Me too. God, I want to shake some people. OP. Please, just tell him no. Who gives a shit if the freeloader is offended??

Original poster

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 16:13

Quite. I don't understand why he doesn't crash there. Guess he doesn't want to impose there!
What annoyed me recently was him staying over at his schoolnfriends family home. He will slag off how much the house costs in London compared to his. He thinks we are all mugs in London with our boring jobs and big mortgages. I mean yes it is shit in many ways. They have 2 small children. He said the wife looks like she doesn't make an effort and always wears trackie bottoms. Hello?? That's me as well. It made me wince as I don't always make an effort on a Saturday morning.

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Original poster

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 16:14

No, he has father in laws key here 🙄

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ThatFraggle · 31/05/2023 16:15

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 16:13

Quite. I don't understand why he doesn't crash there. Guess he doesn't want to impose there!
What annoyed me recently was him staying over at his schoolnfriends family home. He will slag off how much the house costs in London compared to his. He thinks we are all mugs in London with our boring jobs and big mortgages. I mean yes it is shit in many ways. They have 2 small children. He said the wife looks like she doesn't make an effort and always wears trackie bottoms. Hello?? That's me as well. It made me wince as I don't always make an effort on a Saturday morning.

So people host him, and when they are relaxed at home he slags them off behind their backs for not being more dressed up. What a charmer.

Original poster

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 16:18

Yes that's when it changed for me. When he said that about his friends wife I just felt really pissed off like he really doesn't have a clue what it's like having children and being exhausted. That's probably when I started truly feeling this needs to stop!
Like I said before I just feel resentful he has such an easy life and has zouch time and space for himself which we and many others just do not.

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Original poster

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 16:18

*So much time

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Original poster

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 16:19

I shall talk to him and husband must as well.

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Shadowworry · 31/05/2023 16:23

Hi John

Katie and I have had a chat. We love you very much and enjoy seeing you but we work really long hours and have our relationship etc and our DC in our home and recently we have felt that you are using it as a crash pad not to see us or spend time with us - but to date and socialise with others. So can you use a BnB for those times and or a hotel like Dad does from now on and we can plan in advance when you come and see us and we can spend quality time with you and treat you to a nice dinner etc

Also we’d love to come and stay with you over the summer in your house and have a proper break with you.

thanks and love you
Pete xx

ps should be your DH that sends it

Farmageddon · 31/05/2023 16:27

TrishTrix · 31/05/2023 15:39

I'm sure he won't be upset if you say no. Or advise him he can only stay for one night.

However, the more you post to justify yourself unnecessarily the worse you come across, so don't do that! You are perfectly entitled to not want him in your space without look ing at his wider living arrangements etc.

Also be aware that there might be advantages. I have a great relationship now with the teens whose family hospitality I abused for several years when I was living out of London. You get to know people better when you stay with them - those informal sitting around conversations can be meaningful - would your kids otherwise spend much time with him? Is them having a good relationship with him valuable?

I agree, the more the OP says, her resentment of his life choices seem to come out. Lots of comments about how hardworking you and your husband are and how feckless he is...you have made different choices than him, that's all.

Surely that's a different issue than him staying at yours - you don't have the room for him, so just tell him it's not convenient for you. End of. If he's gets pissed off, is it that much of a loss? You don't even seem to like him.

Original poster

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 16:29

😂
Thanks I will send that to my DH.
And yes! I would love to stay in his house in area of outstanding natural beauty with teh family. No chance, its always got air bnb guests and when it's free he goes there to write and read potter.
A charmed life!

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MoiraRoseForever · 31/05/2023 16:30

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:52

Yes that happens often. Daughter is nearly 13. I don't mind that at all. Yes him staying over sometimes means she can't do that sometimes.
I've spoken to a few friends and they've said tell him. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard! As is my husband.
We really like him and he's a fun uncle but lately it's been getting out of hand.

Sp
your daughter can’t have her friends over for sleepovers because of him ? You put his needs first ? Surely that should make you say no . For your daughter .

blackpearwhitelilies · 31/05/2023 16:30

It doesn't baffle me at all that people find it hard to say no.
Family dynamics can wreak havoc with peoples' heads. I can be assertive and confident at work, and though I'm better than I was, am v prone to being walked over by my family. That's what decade of emotional and physical abuse can do to you. I don't think it's helpful to take an exasperated tone on this. People who get called doormats have often had to deal with and process a hell of a lot.

MoiraRoseForever · 31/05/2023 16:32

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 15:53

No, he uses the house to crash after a night out. Then he's there in the morning, might play a bit of ball with my son and then will meet another friend for lunch or whatever. My almost teen has no interest in hanging out with adults which os a drama buy I guess her age. No he is literally using the place as a crash pad, not coming to enjoy my dinner or whatever, I actually wouldn't mind that! He comes to London to eat out and see friends, go to a haoween party etc, not to spend time with us.
Father in law gets a takeaway with us midweek if he stays and to catch up with us but brother in law uses his time in London for his friends. Father in law does get hotels and only occasionally asks. Yes it's a bad siutaion and its a recent thing which has crept up . He was not like this before the pandemic and quite frankly when the kids were younger they would be of more use in entertaining and babysitting. We like going for our for date nights but we can afford babysitters. Last minute offers of date nights don't cut it. We could barely keep our eyes open last time.
I'm going to have to deal with it.
At one point brother in law had a key and was letting himself in. Husband took it back and he did say he wa taken aback when he cheekily asked for it again. He doesn't seem to get the hint so he's going to have to tell him directly.
I don't understand how he hasn't considered that it's annoying for a busy family.

I expect he really doesn’t care that it impacts you and especially your daughter . Expect the does know but puts his needs first .

Original poster

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 16:32

Yes I admit I am resentful and so is my husband. He has an interesting job and works on his own terms and not for a great deal of money at all because he doesn't need it. We like his life choices but they wouldn't be possible if he settled down and we are exhausted. 😳 that's why I was asking if I'm being unreasonable because I'm aware we are getting resentful of his free time and space and our lack of

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FatCatBum · 31/05/2023 16:32

*My greatest wish on MN is that so many posters would stop being such complete and utter doormats. It does my fucking head it.

SAY NO. Him being offended or not is not your problem. He's a cheeky arsehole and he needs to be told no for once.*

Amen to this. FGS, it doesn't need a million excuses about not having a sofa bed, it just takes a conversation (ideally) or a text to say BIL you are starting to take the piss a bit and sorry but it's got to stop. You need to check with us with plenty of notice and if it's convenient we'll let you know otherwise you'll need to make other arrangements

WeightInLine · 31/05/2023 16:34

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 31/05/2023 14:49

Haven't your dc got friends staying? Every week end.

I think this is it really. If you don’t want a showdown (and why would you?), just keep saying oh so-and-so is coming (or any other excuse) until you have fully built in the idea that your home is just not available.

Then once he doesn’t see you as de facto crash pad, he might start asking less frequently.