Brother in Law uses our London home as a crash pad often

[Needspace2023]

Just wondering if I'm being unreasonable. My brother in law lives rurally with my father in law. Since we bought our new home he asks about once a month ( sometimes more) to crash at our house for 1-3 nights. He would sometimes do this for the odd work meeting but he's doing it now to socilize and meet up with London friends and women.

Me and my husband are exhausted with demanding jobs, 2 children one of whom is almost a teen and we just like our space some weekends and midweek.

My father in law does this as well frequently although he is inclined to book a hotel in Central London.

I like the idea of visitors but it is entirely o their terms and they don't end up seeing us and the children much at all.
Husband feels cornered and so do I.
We don't actually have a guest room but a sofa bed in a room which the children use for games and for their sleepovers and having out.

It just gets a bit much. I resent his life, he's my age, has an easy job, air bnbs his home ( which was pretty much bought for him) while he makes use of his family house ( my in laws hosue). We are always exhausted and always feel we are needing space to recuperate or time together as a family.

His background and lifestyle is irrelevant.

It's your home, you choose who can stay or not.

So just say 'no, not really convenient anymore as we're too cramped/daughter getting older'. Just say no.

Thank you.
I would say normally me and husband are very driven and assertive. But this has had me in knots. I like my brother in law a lot but I just wish he had consideration for what life is like for a busy family.

Just say that now your DC are older there isn't as much space and you can no longer accommodate visitors. If he stays in a hotel in a business area, they do excellent weekend rates, eg in Canary Wharf.

Take all the keys away

The fact your husband agrees, makes the situation a lot easier to manage, as at least it doesn't appear you're picking sides or offending your husband or in-laws.

I'm married to someone with a brother 10 years younger - I could easily picture me in your shoes - I have a young family and he comes and visits when he likes but not really when it helps us.

The first thing I'd say is he probably doesn't even realise he is doing anything wrong. Sometimes some people don't understand boundaries and appropriateness of their actions, especially if they are single and not living the same life as you. So it may not even be a bad conversation - he may just get it in one simple conversation.

But i'd let your husband have this conversation with him.

I wouldn't personally make it a big chat. I would just start saying "Oh no, that won't work for us." Avoid any drama and whinging. By the time he figures it out, he will have found other places to stay.

Also, if he did stay, I would make it hell. Get the kids to jump on him and wake him up.

No way. But you don’t even have to give a reason. Just say that it’s so often now that you’re feeling a bit put open seeing as it’s your home.m. For people as cheeky as these two I would say this. I would If you really want to start WW3 then mention “you could both use your London flat if it wasn’t being rented out…”

SIL’s DB crashes at SIL and my DB’s London flat when he comes to London for work etc but he also eats with them and owns it jointly with SIL anyway.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I wouldn't have an issue with a close family member staying 1-3 nights per month. It doesn't seem a big deal and it seems a little churlish to resent someone else having an easy life.

But you do have an issue, so your husband needs to say he can't stay 🤷🏼‍♀️

YANBU to say no (and I agree with others you need to be assertive and stop being doormats) and he sounds like a bit of a sexist twat from his comment about his friend’s wife.

But you YABU to resent/be jealous of his life choices. You chose to get a house with a massive mortgage in London and to have kids. If you wanted more time for yourself to live more indulgently you could’ve chosen differently!

He's your husband's brother - why can't he tell him?

Change the locks!

I would be tempted to wind him up a bit.

"Hi BIL, I think DH mentioned the kids crashing at yours for a week in the summer. Will be great for them to escape London for a bit... they're super-excited to stay with their favourite uncle, especially since we're going to be very busy with work. They don't need much - I'll send you a list of their favourite breakfast foods and what they like for dinner. Will be lovely for them to visit you for a change."

Yes, yes and yes.

I don’t understand how something can bother you to the point where you’ll complain on the internet but can’t speak up and put a stop to things? It’s actually quite ridiculous

Because she's nervous about the conversation potentially sparking a family row and wants other peoples' perspectives about this before going ahead with it. I don't see why this is ridiculous - she's already said that the thread has clarified how she feels.

I wouldn't send that previous message it seems to nice. And why should you be treating him to a meal. It seriously should be the other way round!

I'd ignore it until he asks
'Hi, nope sorry, it's not convenient'
If he asks why
'We need some family/quiet time this weekend/dd is planning a friends weekend/your visits have become more about you crashing here, rather than spending time with us and the kids-any time you're up here let us know and we'll meet up (bet he won't!)

Thank you @blackpearwhitelilies
I'm aware a part of being a grown up is learning to say "no". I was really bad at it as a young woman and got so much better with this. But because its a family member it's difficult and I just wanted validation for my feelings.
Also don't want to be the evil SIL.
My BIL is sexist - he expects a woman to be a supermodel, highly educated, either posh or super sexy and exotic. This is why he is single. He is also good looking and well off regardless of his lack of salary which is why he can get away with this.

All this used to make me laugh but the too frequent visits are why I'm starting to resent his life and my husband definitely foes but he is a stoic and doesn't have a mean bone in his body.

I do love my house and living in London
It's hard work but there are a lot of plusses to being here , including the fact we don't have to commute long and that I'm a born and bred Londoner. I don't hate my life at all or question my life choices ( love being a parent). Just exhausted 😴

Not exactly the same but I have a 13m old and a 24m old. My auntie who lives about 15mins away has asked if she can visit us every single Thursday. My guess is because she’d like to see us and the kids and be involved in their lives.

Unfortunately, I work three days a week. My youngest has a genetic disorder so has weekly appointments and I’m just too fucking tired to commit to weekly visits. So guess what? I said ‘sorry no that doesn’t work for us for X reasons. I don’t want to commit to seeing you weekly and then I always cancel.’ She actually apologised for being slightly inconsiderate as she can forget all that goes on with my son.

I didn’t have to start any threads saying, ‘Auntie comes round every week and I hate it.’ Just use your words and enjoy your home. If someone came round to stay at my house multiple times a month and I didn’t want them too, I’d be so irritated

No need for a showdown or anything, just a simple "sorry we're not going to have any more visitors for the meantime as we're exhausted from work and want to spend time quality time with our children". When he ignores this polite request, a simple "no, it isn't convenient thanks" every time he asks. Don't give reasons if asked as you don't have to. If he asks if he's done something, just say "no, it's not you, it's us. We're just too tired to host people at the moment." Keep repeating it.

I've had a similar situation and at one point when I was busy washing all the bedding for the umpteenth weekend in a row, thought to myself that it felt like I was running a B&B without getting the income. It occurred to me that I could do Airbnb and that I just didn't want to. That was when I started to say "no thanks" to visitors. I turned the spare room into a home office style workspace. A good space for teenagers to do their homework/studying and for anyone who is homeworking and importantly, there is now no room for a bed for guests. Your DD will soon be of an age where they have exams each year and will need peace and quiet and no visitors while they revise. It is your house so should be arranged to suit your family's needs.

Alternatively, you could tell him that you are doing Airbnb and what you are charging (the going rate) and that of course, it is already reserved for the weekend he wants to visit.

I remember one time I was so stressed in the morning trying to get son ready for school ( breakfast club).and get to work on time and BIL was just sloping around in the kitchen and using the shower when we needed it and I lost my temper with my son because I felt my BIL was slowing us all down ☹ and kind of watching me like I was a mad woman.

I would say keep it simple and take the sofa bed out of the playroom, and turn the room into a teenagers den / study space. "Sorry BIL, but now she's 13 DD needs her own space to have friends over and study, as will DS soon enough. Hopefully there'll be a nice easy Air BNB you can use".

Totally sympathize with you; he's being rude and obnoxious by presuming to crash in your home. I hope you can fend him off.

Don't really understand the resentment, though. We all make our life choices. Presumably there is pleasure in being a parent that a childfree person won't experience. You had to know that becoming a parent would come with trade-offs in other areas, such as finances, leisure time, energy, juggling work/life balance, etc. That's not his fault, nor are the pleasures he enjoys as a childfree person something to be resentful over. We all start out with the same blank slate.

There's just too much going on, isn't there?.. I think they think raising kids is a breeze.. it really isn't!

Your Bil might think that you don't have a problem with him stayin because YOU have never said anything!
I hope you will return to tell us what his response was.......please

I kind of explained the resentment in another post. I don't like the feeling at all and it's not really me. I've always been pretty chilled and felt jealousy is a horrible emotion and the root of a lot of evil.

It’s probably getting out of hand because when he comes in you say a normal pleasantry like “it’s so nice to see you” etc and he has no idea that he has overstepped. Just tell him