Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in Law uses our London home as a crash pad often

158 replies

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:36

Just wondering if I'm being unreasonable. My brother in law lives rurally with my father in law. Since we bought our new home he asks about once a month ( sometimes more) to crash at our house for 1-3 nights. He would sometimes do this for the odd work meeting but he's doing it now to socilize and meet up with London friends and women.

Me and my husband are exhausted with demanding jobs, 2 children one of whom is almost a teen and we just like our space some weekends and midweek.

My father in law does this as well frequently although he is inclined to book a hotel in Central London.

I like the idea of visitors but it is entirely o their terms and they don't end up seeing us and the children much at all.
Husband feels cornered and so do I.
We don't actually have a guest room but a sofa bed in a room which the children use for games and for their sleepovers and having out.

It just gets a bit much. I resent his life, he's my age, has an easy job, air bnbs his home ( which was pretty much bought for him) while he makes use of his family house ( my in laws hosue). We are always exhausted and always feel we are needing space to recuperate or time together as a family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 17:17

goldfinchfan · 31/05/2023 17:15

Your Bil might think that you don't have a problem with him stayin because YOU have never said anything!
I hope you will return to tell us what his response was.......please

I will do! It's coming to a head. Me and husband are exasperated and just need to do it.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 31/05/2023 17:19

Next time he asks just say sorry it is not convenient that night as DD is having a guest stay over then. I'd say yes about once a month.

Original poster
Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 17:19

Thinkwhat · 31/05/2023 17:16

It’s probably getting out of hand because when he comes in you say a normal pleasantry like “it’s so nice to see you” etc and he has no idea that he has overstepped. Just tell him

Honestly no. I've been tired, moody, stressed a few times in front of him. Husband's been tired and gone to bed nor engaging because he needs an early night.
He's immune to figuring it out.

OP posts:
Newspeaker · 31/05/2023 17:23

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2023 14:50

My greatest wish on MN is that so many posters would stop being such complete and utter doormats. It does my fucking head it.

SAY NO. Him being offended or not is not your problem. He's a cheeky arsehole and he needs to be told no for once.

Show quote history

I have a second greatest wish - that people would stop making up elaborate lies and excuses when they should be honest - it's not convenient for us so we won't be able to put you up for two weeks... we want to have more quiet time as a family so we won't be visiting you every Sunday... we are looking forward to having this holiday for the 4 of us to do things together, so won't have much time for days out with you... etc etc...
Instead it's "Tell him that your daughter's best friend's mum had to go into hospital because she's sprained a brain cell so we've just got to have best friend for more sleepovers to help out - because after all they do look after our cat while we're away and cook us a nice meal once a month - and that means there just won't be room for him as well."

Thelastofbus · 31/05/2023 17:24

Every month is too often. And 3 nights is too long! It’s perfectly fine for you to say ‘no’ sometimes. He probably thinks he is great company, and no trouble because he isn’t expecting to be fed and entertained.

There was a time when a relative needed to stay in my house for a night a month. At the end of the year they bought us a weekend away at a lovely hotel to say thank you. I’d definitely be asking your BIL when you can stay at his lovely air b and b.

Unabletocatchup · 31/05/2023 17:24

You talk about him never having responsibility, being a grown up etc but also that he was doing a lot of care for his mother. Did your husband step up and do his fair share of care or just leave it to his brother?

I wondered this too @Scienceadvisory

@Needspace2023 have you ever been at the coal face with someone who is dying? Do you realise how tough it is?

If your brother in law was doing this, it is very unfair to say he has never had to take on any grown up responsibilities Hmm

blueshoes · 31/05/2023 17:25

Just Say No. End of!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 31/05/2023 17:25

You know what you need to do

CrazyArmadilloLady · 31/05/2023 17:29

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 17:19

Honestly no. I've been tired, moody, stressed a few times in front of him. Husband's been tired and gone to bed nor engaging because he needs an early night.
He's immune to figuring it out.

Show quote history

He will NEVER figure it out.

How could he possibly? He hasn’t come close to being married, raising a family and needing to work to put a roof over a family’s head. He does not have the first clue as to what’s involved.

Do not wait for him to take hints or figure it out. You will live out your dying days with him using your place as a crash pad, if you do this.

There is no other solution than the direct one: you telling him straight. You don’t have to be rude and it doesn’t have to be high drama.

But you do need to tell him, and soon. And stop worrying about offending him. He’s been offending you for ages, and it hasn’t altered your relationship, or caused you to cut ties, has it?!

At the end of the day, he needs you all much more than you need him.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 31/05/2023 17:31

Unabletocatchup · 31/05/2023 17:24

You talk about him never having responsibility, being a grown up etc but also that he was doing a lot of care for his mother. Did your husband step up and do his fair share of care or just leave it to his brother?

I wondered this too @Scienceadvisory

@Needspace2023 have you ever been at the coal face with someone who is dying? Do you realise how tough it is?

If your brother in law was doing this, it is very unfair to say he has never had to take on any grown up responsibilities Hmm

The OP has answered this. Yes they did. But of course, they had to juggle the demands of a family on top of that.

Original poster
Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 17:32

Unabletocatchup · 31/05/2023 17:24

You talk about him never having responsibility, being a grown up etc but also that he was doing a lot of care for his mother. Did your husband step up and do his fair share of care or just leave it to his brother?

I wondered this too @Scienceadvisory

@Needspace2023 have you ever been at the coal face with someone who is dying? Do you realise how tough it is?

If your brother in law was doing this, it is very unfair to say he has never had to take on any grown up responsibilities Hmm

Yes that was a really awful time for him especially having moved back home and for all of us.
I am aware he's had a really difficult time, I experienced it too with my own mum when she had terminal cancer and watched her die. But I had to look after a small baby as well as visit and care for mum. So have been there!
My husband did a lot for his mother too in spite of living 3 hours away.

OP posts:
Thesharkradar · 31/05/2023 17:34

Just say no, you can do it!
I'll be here waiting to hear how you got on @Needspace2023

Original poster
Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 17:35

Okay 👍
I will report back!

OP posts:
Unabletocatchup · 31/05/2023 17:38

I'm glad to hear you husband was able to do his part with his mum @Needspace2023 and I am so sorry to hear you went through this too.

I'm just making the point that it's a very tough part of life, and someone who handles it to the best of their ability is definitely 'adulting'.

Having children isn't the only definition of being a responsible grown up.

Your BIL does sound like a bit of an arse though, especially his comments about women. Obnoxious.

Original poster
Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 17:40

But it's a good point. I feel he is making up for that time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 17:41

We never had that luxury. It's just work and raise kids and they can be challenging . I actually find them harder than when they were smaller.

OP posts:
martha4clark · 31/05/2023 17:48

As a previous poster said, he is single with no children - he has simply no idea what your life is like. Just spell it out to him kindly and he might get it. Guys are generally clueless.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/05/2023 17:52

I agree with @martha4clark, @Needspace2023 - explain it simply, and just tell him that you can’t cope with any more last minute WhatsApp messages that he’s coming, monthly visits and him using your home as a crash pad while goes out socialising.

ExtraOnions · 31/05/2023 17:53

You can have whoever you want to stay / not stay in your house, for whatever reason you want.

I think the jealousy and resentment of your BILs life, should have nothing to do with it. You chose the life you are in … kids & jobs are tiring, but I bet you wouldn’t change it.

I don’t think he’s a selfish arsehole, I don't think he’s an arsehole at all - people who nurse a dying relative probably aren’t. I think you should be grateful that he was there to take care of her, and maybe give his a bit of leeway.

Be honest with your reason for not wanting him there though “I resent your lifestyle” or “it’s inconvenient”

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/05/2023 17:53

martha4clark · 31/05/2023 17:48

As a previous poster said, he is single with no children - he has simply no idea what your life is like. Just spell it out to him kindly and he might get it. Guys are generally clueless.

I'm single with no children and I have more self-awareness and consideration than to freeload on family, thanks.

femfemlicious · 31/05/2023 17:53

Once a month really isn't bad. Get him to babysit

martha4clark · 31/05/2023 17:54

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain are you a woman though?

Original poster
Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 17:55

Newspeaker · 31/05/2023 17:23

I have a second greatest wish - that people would stop making up elaborate lies and excuses when they should be honest - it's not convenient for us so we won't be able to put you up for two weeks... we want to have more quiet time as a family so we won't be visiting you every Sunday... we are looking forward to having this holiday for the 4 of us to do things together, so won't have much time for days out with you... etc etc...
Instead it's "Tell him that your daughter's best friend's mum had to go into hospital because she's sprained a brain cell so we've just got to have best friend for more sleepovers to help out - because after all they do look after our cat while we're away and cook us a nice meal once a month - and that means there just won't be room for him as well."

Show quote history

I also don't want to lie and make up an excuse. I just want him to understand its annoying us and I prefer when we have a good time together as family.
But the sleepover thing is huge for my daughter right now and it is nice for her to have a friend or 2 over when she likes and not have to check to see if he's staying.
I will bring up these points.
It's definitely lack of understanding on his part. He's not been used to compromising his time so if I point out we need our space as much as he does he might get it.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 31/05/2023 17:58

LookItsMeAgain · 31/05/2023 14:55

A million percent this!

Stop being concerned about what he might or might not feel if you say no.

If he gets offended = he won't be staying with you = a WIN
He doesn't get offended = he knows he can't stay with you = a WIN

Where is the down side???

Show quote history

Add to this that if someone gets offended if you stop doing them a big favour, then you haven't lost a friend, you've gained the knowledge that their affection was conditional.

I have a friend in London and I have to visit London regularly, but I would only ask to stay a max of once every two months, and otherwise meet for lunch a few times.

Original poster
Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 17:58

"I think the jealousy and resentment of your BILs life, should have nothing to do with it. You chose the life you are in … kids & jobs are tiring, but I bet you wouldn’t change it." No no I wouldn't change my life for his at all.
I think you've misunderstood..I'm resentful he doesn't get that we need space. Family of 4. One almost a teen. The other one catching up with school work affected by lockdown to get him ready for secondary school. Battles with screen time. Juggling jobs and chicane. House renovation. Laundry!
It's exhausting and we don't always have the head space for visitors even if they are Family!

OP posts: