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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother in Law uses our London home as a crash pad often

158 replies

Needspace2023 · 31/05/2023 14:36

Just wondering if I'm being unreasonable. My brother in law lives rurally with my father in law. Since we bought our new home he asks about once a month ( sometimes more) to crash at our house for 1-3 nights. He would sometimes do this for the odd work meeting but he's doing it now to socilize and meet up with London friends and women.

Me and my husband are exhausted with demanding jobs, 2 children one of whom is almost a teen and we just like our space some weekends and midweek.

My father in law does this as well frequently although he is inclined to book a hotel in Central London.

I like the idea of visitors but it is entirely o their terms and they don't end up seeing us and the children much at all.
Husband feels cornered and so do I.
We don't actually have a guest room but a sofa bed in a room which the children use for games and for their sleepovers and having out.

It just gets a bit much. I resent his life, he's my age, has an easy job, air bnbs his home ( which was pretty much bought for him) while he makes use of his family house ( my in laws hosue). We are always exhausted and always feel we are needing space to recuperate or time together as a family.

OP posts:
Iwant2stayanon · 01/06/2023 23:15

Depends how much of an issue you want to make. I would just say no or if you don’t want to, I would say that one of the kids is having a sleep over every time he wants to come and will be using the space. If you do this every time, he will get the hint.

Mamanyt · 02/06/2023 00:19

The five words that changed my life were, "NO is a complete sentence." Say them over and over to yourself, and then say the first one to him. Or at least, "Not this time."

Applesandpears23 · 02/06/2023 00:43

Sounds like ask vs guess culture. I reqd a great piece about this once. You are guess culture. You only ask for reasonable things and you take care to guess what boundaries people have. You expect others to do the same. BIL is ask culture. He asks for whatever he fancies and expects others to do the same. He expects you to say no if something doesn’t suit you. However as you are guess culture you assume he thinks his requests are reasonable and necessary and so you panic and question yourself before you say no.

Needspace2023 · 02/06/2023 09:29

@Applesandpears23 I do think he is definitely ask culture then as he's very demanding and expects a lot from his parents as well and probably women he's in relationships with. He has a lot of his own space and freedom and is uncompromising about his lifestyle and career.

I will stress, I still really like him as a person. He's can be really fun and interesting to be around when we are spending quality family time like at Christmas or cooking together, discussing things I think that's the issue : we are not actually seeing him when he stays over and only to make his bed, offer him tea, get him towels. There is possibly miscommunication on his part too, with him thinking that he's being less disruptive by not expecting to socilaize with us.

Our house is still disorganised as we only moved a year ago, so I suppose it just feels to early to have guests regularly.

Thanks so much everyone ❤ you've all given me courage and food for thought. My husband also has been annoyed by it and so we are on the same page and yes, he should be the one telling him.

OP posts:
Needspace2023 · 02/06/2023 11:03

I searched "guess vs ask culture" - a very good read. Thank you. "Guess" is definitely not going about it the right way. 💡

OP posts:
tourdefrance · 02/06/2023 23:11

Maybe ‘ask’ him if you can stay at his place one school holiday as he’s not likely to ‘guess’ you’d like to.

HaveANiceFuckingDay · 02/06/2023 23:14

What is it with people and not being able to use words 😕
One word "NO"

Applesandpears23 · 04/06/2023 00:56

Glad you found it useful! It really opened up my eyes.

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