Hate being asked what I do

[EggDaisy]

AIBU to think this is a bit of a personal question and it's rude to ask?

"Where do you work?"
"What do you do?"
"What profession are you in?"

Etc.

I find it really invasive and wish people wouldn't ask! My situation is not straight forward so it takes a bit of explanation, and giving any level of information to a stranger who has just asked makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too.

Now I just reply "Oh, I do this and that."

Sometimes I feel like Mumsnet gets stranger by the day- it's a basic conversation starter question which you give a weird basic answer to 🤷🏻‍♀️ it's not a big deal or that deep (even if some people are asking to judge, so what, everyone gets judged or judges others for something)

I know what you mean. I used to run a cleaning company (eventually employing other cleaners). If asked, I could say one of three things:

I'm a cleaner
I'm a self employed cleaner
I run a cleaning company

They 3 very different reactions. The last one had the loaded assumption that I didn't 'debase' myself by actually cleaning (I still cleaned), and the first was that I was on minimum wage and had no skills/intelligence.

Depending on the situation (I was online dating so was asked a lot), it can be a very good way to judge the character of people asking, rather than feeling judged myself.

Yes, people may say they don't care but there is a level of assumption, stereotyping, bias and preconceptions at play; positive and negative! Even if they don't realise that.

Maybe I've come across too many nosey types. I had an issue at my property only yesterday and a person arrived to fix the issue; rather than ask about the issue they immediately asked what I do for a living. Zero need for small talk, surely?

I think it's just a way to make conversation tbh, although there are some people who use it to 'rate' others worth.

You can always just be very vague - I like to say 'I work in hospitality'.

I think in most cases, it's just a way of making conversation and finding topics to discuss. Probably better not to ask someone whom you are just meeting for the first time- they could be insecure about the subject, or they could be unemployed/ scared of being laid off/ on sick leave or disability benefits and afraid of being judged/ a SAHP and afraid that this won't be considered as 'work'/ etc. But I don't think it's usually asked in order to judge or classify people.

I hate it too op!

I think if I could answer something simple then maybe it wouldn't be so annoying.

My dp also doesn't like being asked what he does. He's been recently diagnosed with something that has limited his ability to work. He hasn't told many people and definitely not prepared to discuss it with near strangers.
He doesn't like to lie either, so when people ask and he says he's currently not working, they often look down on him ask why!

This!

If somebody answered ‘this and that’, I’d think they were either a twat or a criminal.

I mean that's weird. I thought you meant socially.

Do you wear unique clothes/have special equipment in the house?

Blast, how else will I judge someone else's social standings if we can't ask this question?! I mean let's be real we judge people in a few seconds, what job they do to me doesn't make much difference. I'll have already judged you before asking that question!

I normally ask in polite conversation because I'm interested in what other people do (it's normally much less boring that what I do!) and it's a fairly safe conversation question with someone you might not know too well.

Recently got chatting next to someone on a flight, they were travelling for work so I asked what they did - this is hardly the crime of the century 😂

What are your go to topics with someone you have just met

Common sense says it’s about the context in which you meet them. For example if you meet them at an amateur writers course, you could talk to them about what books they like. If you meet them through a friend of a friend/relative/neighbour ask them how they met the person in common which will throw up an answer you can talk about (if they say they met at a car show, you ask what sort of cars they are into etc, if they say they met with kids at school you could then talk about kids). That’s how you make conversation with people you don’t know, as opposed to upfront grilling them about their occupation, or other personal attributes such as marital status, child status, where they live etc.

@EggDaisy you definitely invite more questions (or nosiness as you judge it) with your silly answer.

honestly I’d love to know what you deem to be an acceptable conversation question so I can add it to my arsenal when I’m trying to chat innocuously to someone and it’s like trying to get blood out of a turnip to even pass 30 seconds.

This is how I feel when I ask it, it’s just something to say.

Take tens years off or add ten on just for the entertainment. 😜

People aren't as socially inept in real life, it's like a different world on here sometimes.

It would be really nice if people rolling their eyes could try to see the other side…

Obvs don’t know what you do op but I get exactly what you’re saying. I haven’t got a linear cv. And that is a huge issue. And people judge and question. Those rolling their eyes likely have linear cvs which “make sense”.

In the real world, this is how it goes when asked that question:

1. You have a job that isn’t up to societies standards so it’s uncomfortable to answer and people judge you in some way - everyone saying noo it isn’t judgement, I’m sure most of them would judge if they were at a friend’s garden party and one of the guests said oh I’m a stripper. Even if they didn’t mind, you’d still think of them in a particular way. And certainly differently to a ceo or doctor.

2. They categorise you and decide your worth, and iq, and how together you are based on your job. If you can say ‘lawyer’, ‘doctor’, ‘admin at an insurance firm’, people will be like oh ok cool…they’ll categorise you, your iq, and move on. Doesn’t matter that the doctor might be a nervous wreck in all actuality…because they are a ‘doctor’ people will assume they’ve got their shit together, are smart, and reliable. People will assume the admin clerk is good with organising and kinda predictable - but who knows, they could actually have a thrilling personal life, like they could be a sky diving swinger. We all make assumptions.

3. They aren’t content with your answer. For example, you say ‘I do leafleting - I put promotional leaflets through doors”, but you look and sound like you should be a nurse or a teacher, well then people give you this face 🤔🤨 and say things like ‘oh, why?’ Or ‘Oh, so what do you reeeally do? Like what’s your real job the rest of the time’ OR they just quiey categorise you as odd/unaccomplished. Of course they don’t know that you (delete as applicable) love leafleting/love cash in hand job freedom/escaped a financially controlling relationship and can’t get a job as you were never allowed to get qualifications/have depression and struggle to keep jobs/have an elderly parent to care for/something else which stops you from having a career.

4. Some people decide you’re job isn’t good enough. I.e., A shop manager gets “ohh so you don’t actually OWN the shop.” Or “Maybe one day you could own your OWN shop.”

And we all do it! Even those of us who hate being asked the question, will categorise people based on their answer. It’s human to do so. But yes, can be hard or hurtful for those of us who don’t fit into society’s box.

It IS a normal question, but wouldn’t it be lovely if we all asked what each other’s passions are. What do you love to do? Or do you have any hobbies?

Or just “what have you been up to lately?” - that way we could respond Caring for my mum/I’m a doctor so I work a lot/I’ve been spending time with my family/I went on a nice trip to Cornwall/I found a lovely play park to take the kids to and we’ve been every day this week.

I kind of get where your coming from. It seems to be the next 'go to' question after establishing if you have children (which I find incredibly personal). Yes, l think people are trying to 'gauge' you to a degree,but many job titles/descriptions don't actually give you any idea of the level of seniority or skill eg Purchase Ledger Officer, QC technician, Workshop Facilitator.
I think it's more about getting a general 'flavour' of your personality though the assumption that we all chose jobs that we suit and enjoy is far from the truth. I've been employed as a site labourer, in Sales & Marketing, as a Diabetes Educator, a bingo caller, a theatre technician and a stripogram. I recall a time where I had 2 part time jobs. I worked at the tip during the day, and as a stripogram at night whilst studying engineering physics. Wonder how I'd have been rated.
I have lots of friends who are nurses. We regularly get asked vaguely health related Qs but interestingly 'which is the best brand of multi vit' isn't on the syllabus. Likewise my neighbour a Police Officer can't advice you on custody arrangements because 'he knows about the law'.
I guess you have choices. Do you want to educate the masses? If so maybe respond 'Where do I work? Why do you need to know?" It'll make for some awkward encounters but maybe that person will go on to discuss it with others and maybe reassess their behaviour...lots of maybes there. Most likely they'll just think you're aggressive/awkward/negative/rude.
Another option is to deflect 'Oh, there's nothing interesting about my job. Big corporate office....pays the morthgage. And yourself?"
Or play a game to amuse yourself. I do this when asked about children. I randomly have none to 5. I change the genders and ages. It makes absolutely no difference to the rest of the conversation and I can predict responses. Twin boys, gosh they must be a handful.
Maybe tell them you're a taxidermist, a plus size model, or taste cat food for a job.

Ultimately any conversation can be invasive. Social norms are changing and we are starting to challenge them, but these interactions are what leads to real meaningful connections. I dare say at some time a partner/spouse asked what you did for a living....but yes, I hear you.

I think mostly it’s just a conversation starter. I personally love it when people say they are a SAHP because loads of follow up questions about kids and finding some common ground. My worst one was when I asked a chap what he did and he said he was a medical physicist and tried to explain what that was I still have no idea and the conversation quickly fizzled out as I struggled to think of any follow up other than “wow, sounds very complicated”

I also think it’s basically asking “how much do you earn?” Because if they ask not only where you work, job title, it can easily be found out. Or if you work for a Local Authority it can! I think it’s very intrusive.

We had a SKY engineer the other day- and he asked what we did for a living as both attempting to work from home. I used to say I worked in Finance but for some people it wasn’t good enough and it’s “doing what though”. 🙄 I work in housing now so I don’t care as much.

It depends on who is asking and where you are. DH was asked by another parent at a child's birthday party in Reception. His answer clearly wasn't good enough and no more playdates were suggested from that family and their close circle of friends. Hurtful at the time but a relief too having observed the families over time. The 'so, where did you go to school?' is another classic. Hogwarts, my friend.

It's a normal question. You just need a prepared 'line'.

'I do this and that' does make you sound like a dodgy geezer. (Or maybe you combine cleaning, Only Fans and selling on EBay, or...) You're leaving a lot of space to be filled by others' imagination.

You need the opposite; something credible but dull that shuts off that line of discussion - and thought.

Which is interesting because: What really strikes me about your OP, is that you're saying 'answering their question makes me feel X, therefore I believe their intention is X'. Which is an unusually self-centred view of the world. As if others' only interest and focus is you and your feelings.

You need to recognise that what goes on in other people's heads is very different from what goes on in your head. You can't imagine or control what is going on in there. Also, they're not really all that interested in you. They're just making conversation. You're making a mountain of a molehill.

This question is a useful short-cut to help understand others' interests, life experience and educational level, so enabling the other person to pitch their conversation appropriately, identify possible connections and ask suitable follow-up questions.

I do understand the difficulty of answering it when you're not doing your main or former job. I found 'Well at the moment I am doing x, y, z' useful. So focusing on 'I am doing' not 'I am'. That is the Achilles heel of the question. It works well for people with a profession or consistent type of work. Less so for people with varied lives. That's a lot of people now. So 'at the moment I am doing...' with a follow up story / illustration works.

It depends massively on context and timing, this question. If it’s asked within ten minutes of meeting I do think it’s rude and mercenary. If it’s part of a long intimate conversation it’s absolutely fine and normal.

So what do you ask people when you want to get to know them?
It seems everything is off limits nowadays; you can’t ask about partners or if people have children. You are not allowed to ask where they are from or their political views. The only safe topic is the weather. I can see why so many people are lonely and isolated; everyone is too scared to converse with each other.

I think there is judgement.

My work is shameful to my family.
My mother tells people who as that I am an author or a firefighter ( neither true) depending on the day.

Just make something up that is adjacent but straightforward