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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hate being asked what I do

601 replies

EggDaisy · 31/05/2023 07:17

AIBU to think this is a bit of a personal question and it's rude to ask?

"Where do you work?"
"What do you do?"
"What profession are you in?"

Etc.

I find it really invasive and wish people wouldn't ask! My situation is not straight forward so it takes a bit of explanation, and giving any level of information to a stranger who has just asked makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too.

Now I just reply "Oh, I do this and that."

OP posts:
peacelemon · 31/05/2023 08:18

speakout · 31/05/2023 08:16

I think there is judgement.

My work is shameful to my family.
My mother tells people who as that I am an author or a firefighter ( neither true) depending on the day.

That's just weird

Yerroblemom1923 · 31/05/2023 08:18

I don't mind people asking, but I don't like to be judged or defined by my job as it really tells them v little about me - just what I do to make money. If they're shallow enough to deem me unworthy of getting to know based on my job they're not my kind of people.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 31/05/2023 08:18

Surely people ask questions to find either common ground to chat about or something interesting?

I mean, the weather only gets you so far, politics is a minefield...

NeverendingCircus · 31/05/2023 08:20

People ask because they want to know what interests you or if they have anything in common with you. They want to find out a little about how you spend your days. It's not an interrogation and you can have two or three easy quick answers ready depending on your mood and how much you want to end up discussing what you do.

I once asked a woman at a garden party what she did and she glared at me and said, 'Oh I hate that!' Found out later her profession was something I'd spent three years studying so we could have had some interesting geeky talks about it but instead I just thought what a rude response. It made me feel as though I was being difficult and socially inept when it was a standard question.

manontroppo · 31/05/2023 08:20

MN is all kinds of weird - it’s a perfectly normal conversation starter. And yes, people judge all the time in the real world, it’s completely normal.

So what if they judge you based on what you say you do? Better to find out they’re twats sooner rather than later.

surreygirl1987 · 31/05/2023 08:21

I think people are being naive if they don't realise that sometimes the person asking that question wants to categorise you

You're not wrong about this. It's human nature to want to understand and categorise. However, I still don't think it's a rude question. We spend the majority of our waking hours at work (if full time anyway) and it is often a huge part of our identity. I don't think it's unreasonable for somebody to want to know what you spend the majority of your waking hours doing, when trying to get to know you!

SallyWD · 31/05/2023 08:21

I hate it too but if I'm honest I wouldn't mind being asked if I was a doctor or lawyer! I'm an administrator and I feel some (only some) people might be dismissive of this. People ask to make conversation obviously but also to rank you in the social hierarchy.

WolfFoxHare · 31/05/2023 08:21

GHxx · 31/05/2023 07:29

I was a teacher and it was a one word answer that sort of moved the conversation along without having to go into it. I now run an online shop and I always say I have a ‘little online shop’ which I feel like it gives out the impression I don’t work and just stay at home with the kids, maybe doing some orders once a week but it’s actually more hours and more money than teaching. I was at a wedding recently and found myself slightly dreading the question coming up for people to give a kind of sympathetic smile. I was considering staying on the supply teacher’s list and that way I could just vaguely say teacher still! It’s more important that you enjoy your job and make enough to pay your bills though, who cares what other people think about a 2 second bit of small talk

Why on earth wouldn’t you say ‘I run my own business selling XYZ’ instead of ‘I have a little online shop’, if you’re worried people will judge you as a dilettante dabbling on eBay once a week? You’re minimising your own success and then worrying people will think you’re unsuccessful.

Red0 · 31/05/2023 08:21

peacelemon · 31/05/2023 07:28

But are you judged? Or are you just imagining it? I wouldn't give a shit, I'm just trying desperately to make sure we aren't sat in silence!

Show quote history

@peacelemon Exactly, I don’t know, it’s probably some are, some aren’t. But for example I went to a comedy show and was randomly picked out by the comedian and asked “what do you do?” and I just knew I was going to get ripped apart for my answer.
also parents at school for example ask what I do, I answer and then make snidey remarks like how I mustn’t do anything all day or how my child can do XYZ that their child can’t “because her mum doesn’t work” - I know in those instances it might often have a degree of jealousy, but still makes me feel uneasy when people ask.

RampantIvy · 31/05/2023 08:22

but others quite transparently want to know how senior you are, how much you earn etc.

Exactly! It's very naive to think its purely conversation, it's not. You will be judged and stereotyped, automatically. It's something I'd never ask, there are so many other things to converse about.

This has never been my experience. Most people I mix with are retired or won't see 50 again. They are unjudgemental and are happy and secure in their lives, and don't look down their noses at people who might earn less than they do. In the circles I mix in I get asked about my work because people are genuinely interested, and in the case of the charity I volunteer with, what skills I can offer them, which isn't unreasonable.

Honesty, some of the stuff I read on here makes me think that a great many mumsnetters mix with some really unpleasant people.

EsmeSusanOgg · 31/05/2023 08:22

I think it depends - asking what you do is normal small talk. But prying when you haven't given them a detailed enough answer is quite rude.

If you ask someone what they do and they reply 'civil servant' don't follow up with 20 questions of 'what is your job title? What department are you in? What does that entail?' they've given a vague response for a reason!

Newnamefor23 · 31/05/2023 08:22

It doesn’t stop when you retire - what did you do? Who were you?

Hard when people ask about your adult children the eldest has an unconventional job, next down a mainstream job ( and doing well) and the other is at their home supporting partner etc.

All equally valid in my eyes - but I’m not keen on the implied/unspoken judgement on the stay at home child.

WashableVelvet · 31/05/2023 08:22

If I want to deflect, I bring out the boring activities in my job or give it a cover all title:

“At the moment I reckon I’m spending most of my time [replying to emails / going to too-large meetings / on train journeys / accidentally on mute ]” + tinkly laugh

”I’m in admin”
”mostly spreadsheets”

Or I give a vague sector name.

Or if I’m not trying to deflect, I’ll give the one paragraph version, because I do love
my job.

“This and that” does sound illegal!

GulesMeansRed · 31/05/2023 08:24

Lots of threads on MN = everyone hates me, I have no friends, school gate cliques, "mean girls", social awkwardness.

Lots of posters on MN = DON'T TALK TO ME, don't ask me questions or show an interest in me or in my life because you are JUDGING me. 🙄

NineToFiveish · 31/05/2023 08:24

The last time someone asked me what I do she was genuinely interested, which caught me off-guard! I was being self deprecating because most reactions have been bland at best - I'm sure only me and my colleagues find it interesting really, but it was nice to experience a positive reaction.

I have no idea where my job sits in the societal pecking order, but equally I don't really care, either. I'm just glad to have a decent job doing something I enjoy.

I do agree that some people use this question to judge others, I have been on the receiving end of such judgements during my years as a sahm.

PensionPots · 31/05/2023 08:24

I see what you mean about stereotyping, if the stereotype attached to your job is negative how about proving them wrong. My brother was assistant CEO of a major big Pharma company and his mate owned a lot of factories in Indonesia Sure many people on here would judge them but they still use medicine and buy stuff made in factories.

People would either recoil in horror and think I was a monster if they asked what I did or start to ask me about their teeth.

CurtainsForBea · 31/05/2023 08:24

I ask usually as a conversation point. I am a bit socially awkward so it is an obvious go-to question for me. But I accept that some people wish to categorise you as being worthy of their attention or not. DH is a member of a club where people seem to think they are more important than they really are so it is used there as a class-identifier I think.

DorisParchment · 31/05/2023 08:24

Tell people you are a civil servant or have an admin job. They won’t ask any more questions!

KimberleyClark · 31/05/2023 08:25

We had a SKY engineer the other day- and he asked what we did for a living as both attempting to work from home. I used to say I worked in Finance but for some people it wasn’t good enough and it’s “doing what though”. 🙄 I work in housing now so I don’t care as much.

This is what I meant upthread. Some people aren’t content with a vague job description like “I work for x org as an administrator” , they want to know exactly what you do, what level you are at etc”.

mincedtart · 31/05/2023 08:25

What on earth. Can you give an example of a small talk question that doesn’t result an answer that someone might judge?

brunettemic · 31/05/2023 08:25

It’s a basic question that people will always ask. If you’re insecure and feel you’ll be categorised just make something up. I once told some lads in a bar I was a test pilot, I’ve no idea why but it shut them up 😂

LolaSmiles · 31/05/2023 08:26

Obvs don’t know what you do op but I get exactly what you’re saying. I haven’t got a linear cv. And that is a huge issue. And people judge and question. Those rolling their eyes likely have linear cvs which “make sense”.
I don't have a linear CV and haven't found it an issue at all.A lot of people change careers or take career breaks.

Obviously some people are judgemental but I honestly don't think many people really care what professional pathway someone has taken, certainly not to a point of pondering in depth about an individual and their life circumstances.

ThePensivePig · 31/05/2023 08:27

I was once asked by an older, very well spoken man what my Dad did for a living. I was in my 30s at the time and felt extremely confused as to why that would be of interest. Wish I'd thought of saying something more interesting than the truth!

InsomniacVampire · 31/05/2023 08:27

Questions such as

  • do you ahave children / when are you planning to have kids / are you married
are rude.

Where do you work? I dont know, what are you supposed to talk about with strangers other than weather?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/05/2023 08:27

I find small talk difficult but thought this was a standard thing to ask people about. People spend the majority of their life at work, it's a bit part of their life and for a lot of people it's their identity. Surely it's normal to ask? I dont ask about marriage / kids or anything as that can be personal and sensitive. What do people ask then when they meet someone new?