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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hate being asked what I do

601 replies

EggDaisy · 31/05/2023 07:17

AIBU to think this is a bit of a personal question and it's rude to ask?

"Where do you work?"
"What do you do?"
"What profession are you in?"

Etc.

I find it really invasive and wish people wouldn't ask! My situation is not straight forward so it takes a bit of explanation, and giving any level of information to a stranger who has just asked makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too.

Now I just reply "Oh, I do this and that."

OP posts:
peacelemon · 31/05/2023 07:27

Just say ahh let's talk about something else and chat about something you find really interesting. They are only trying to make conversation - if you can make a better one then do it and don't leave them to do all the leg work.

electriclight · 31/05/2023 07:27

What questions are allowed when you first meet someone?

Because almost any question designed to show interest and learn a little bit about someone could be considered intrusive if you are so minded.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 31/05/2023 07:27

EggDaisy · 31/05/2023 07:24

Exactly! It's very naive to think its purely conversation, it's not.

You will be judged and stereotyped, automatically. It's something I'd never ask, there are so many other things to converse about.

Show quote history

Well when I ask it, it IS purely conversation so 🤷‍♀️

Oh the irony of you judging people people for asking this question because you think they're judging you...

I do agree about context, there will be some people who are judging you but you're being unreasonable to presume this of everyone

WaxingGibbon · 31/05/2023 07:27

When I ask this question of someone I'm genuinely interested and I follow it up with another interested question about an aspect of what they do, what they enjoy about it etc. I'm trying to connect with them. I had no idea it can feel intrusive or judgey for some. My own job isn't particularly impressive.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/05/2023 07:27

Trouble is, the " this and that" reply makes people sound shifty, so it's not really a neutral response.
Mostly, people are just trying to make conversation, although I agree that sometimes people do try to stereotype others based on their job. Maybe you could just give an indication of the type of work you do? Eg retail/education/legal .

peacelemon · 31/05/2023 07:28

Red0 · 31/05/2023 07:26

Yes I hate this question because I’m a SAHP, so always feel stupid answering. It’s absolutely my choice and I love that I have the choice to be able to be a SAHP, but always feel very judged when I give that as my answer

But are you judged? Or are you just imagining it? I wouldn't give a shit, I'm just trying desperately to make sure we aren't sat in silence!

Original poster
EggDaisy · 31/05/2023 07:28

LubaLuca · 31/05/2023 07:21

Have a vague answer ready. My job is difficult to explain and something most people have no experience of, so I say "Financial services". Nobody's really interested, so they don't probe any further.

That's definitely part of it - I don't want to have to explain what I do because it's not straightforward and I don't want to reveal that much detail to someone I don't know.

Vague is the way forward!

OP posts:
peacelemon · 31/05/2023 07:29

DelphiniumBlue · 31/05/2023 07:27

Trouble is, the " this and that" reply makes people sound shifty, so it's not really a neutral response.
Mostly, people are just trying to make conversation, although I agree that sometimes people do try to stereotype others based on their job. Maybe you could just give an indication of the type of work you do? Eg retail/education/legal .

Yeah just say something like, I'm in retail and then move on. They just want something to tall about so if you can make sparkling conversation they won't care.

Lindy2 · 31/05/2023 07:29

It's a normal conversation question.

If you're unlucky enough to be talking to someone trying to categorise people then make sure you give an answer that won't make them want to keep talking to you.

dammit88 · 31/05/2023 07:29

I really want to know what you do now!

GHxx · 31/05/2023 07:29

I was a teacher and it was a one word answer that sort of moved the conversation along without having to go into it. I now run an online shop and I always say I have a ‘little online shop’ which I feel like it gives out the impression I don’t work and just stay at home with the kids, maybe doing some orders once a week but it’s actually more hours and more money than teaching. I was at a wedding recently and found myself slightly dreading the question coming up for people to give a kind of sympathetic smile. I was considering staying on the supply teacher’s list and that way I could just vaguely say teacher still! It’s more important that you enjoy your job and make enough to pay your bills though, who cares what other people think about a 2 second bit of small talk

barmycatmum · 31/05/2023 07:30

EggDaisy · 31/05/2023 07:24

Exactly! It's very naive to think its purely conversation, it's not.

You will be judged and stereotyped, automatically. It's something I'd never ask, there are so many other things to converse about.

Show quote history

I’m with you - I hate this question as well, especially post pandemic, it’s kind of old fashioned and tone deaf.
I’ve only ever heard older people ask this … these days it’s just not on! So many people lost work during the pandemic. **

BugsyDrakeTableScape · 31/05/2023 07:30

My job makes no sense outside my particular industry - so I give a fairly bland and generic - 'oh I'm a data analyst' answer even though that isn't what I actually do. But it's close enough for the purposes of polite conversation and no one really cares

peacelemon · 31/05/2023 07:30

EggDaisy · 31/05/2023 07:28

That's definitely part of it - I don't want to have to explain what I do because it's not straightforward and I don't want to reveal that much detail to someone I don't know.

Vague is the way forward!

Show quote history

They are just looking for common ground or anything to talk about. So yes as PP said just be vague- retail, financial services etc and hope they aren't in the same sector then switch the subject.

tinyme77 · 31/05/2023 07:31

As long as you don't work on This Morning!

Crampo · 31/05/2023 07:31

If someone told me they lived by doing 'this and that' I'd assume they were a petty criminal.

This is probably reflective of the circles I move in.

feathermucker · 31/05/2023 07:31

People are not going to be aware of your situation, nor the fact that you find such questions intrusive. They're literally just making conversation.

Perhaps you need pre-prepared answers so you can limit questions to a level you're comfortable at.

Seaweasel · 31/05/2023 07:31

It's just the polite way of saying, "What do you do all day then?" When casting around looking for conversation. It's a bit more acceptable than when you come across a petrolhead and they ask, "So, what are you driving at the moment?" as an opener. Er, a preloved Picasso? Tumbleweed.

peacelemon · 31/05/2023 07:32

GHxx · 31/05/2023 07:29

I was a teacher and it was a one word answer that sort of moved the conversation along without having to go into it. I now run an online shop and I always say I have a ‘little online shop’ which I feel like it gives out the impression I don’t work and just stay at home with the kids, maybe doing some orders once a week but it’s actually more hours and more money than teaching. I was at a wedding recently and found myself slightly dreading the question coming up for people to give a kind of sympathetic smile. I was considering staying on the supply teacher’s list and that way I could just vaguely say teacher still! It’s more important that you enjoy your job and make enough to pay your bills though, who cares what other people think about a 2 second bit of small talk

Well don't say "little online shop" don't diminish it yourself and expect others not to realise the scale of it. You should be proud. Call it online retail.

LolaSmiles · 31/05/2023 07:32

I'd find "oh this and that" a weird response to a fairly simple question getting to know someone. Like PP said, a broad "I'm in financial services" or "I work a portfolio career in creative fields" would do.

IglesiasPiggl · 31/05/2023 07:33

It's one of those things that will come up hundreds of times in your life. You need to have a standard answer that then moves the conversation on if you don't want to talk about it. Something like "I work in educational publishing. What's your line of work?"

peacelemon · 31/05/2023 07:33

Crampo · 31/05/2023 07:31

If someone told me they lived by doing 'this and that' I'd assume they were a petty criminal.

This is probably reflective of the circles I move in.

I mean yes that was my first thought too tbh.

Octonaut4Life · 31/05/2023 07:33

Saying "this and that" in response to that question is hilarious. 100% would assume you do something illegal.

MichelleScarn · 31/05/2023 07:34

peacelemon · 31/05/2023 07:28

But are you judged? Or are you just imagining it? I wouldn't give a shit, I'm just trying desperately to make sure we aren't sat in silence!

Show quote history

Absolutely this, its 99%of the time space filling conversation!

tulippa · 31/05/2023 07:34

It's a normal question to ask when getting to know someone but I know what you mean about not wanting to explain yourself. I used to have an embarrassing job - think traffic warden type thing but not that - and I'd always tie myself up in knots justifying that it had family friendly hours etc in case anyone judged me.
I have quite an interesting job now so don't mind if I get asked anymore.