Hate being asked what I do

[EggDaisy]

AIBU to think this is a bit of a personal question and it's rude to ask?

"Where do you work?"
"What do you do?"
"What profession are you in?"

Etc.

I find it really invasive and wish people wouldn't ask! My situation is not straight forward so it takes a bit of explanation, and giving any level of information to a stranger who has just asked makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too.

Now I just reply "Oh, I do this and that."

My friend used to say "I sell drugs". She was a pharmaceutical rep!

Same here.

My answer depends on who's asking and whether I CBA explaining. Sometimes I say I'm a civil servant, which is true, but I don't elaborate, unless the conversation goes any further. I've been asked if I'm a tax inspector, or a spy, but it's neither of these.

The truth is that it's quite unusual, varied and often very interesting. And there's not a lot of us in the industry and we mostly all know each other.

I mean that's just rude

So if someone tells me they are a data analyst or work in financial services, is that code for: 'I have a complicated and interesting job which is too personally meaningful for me to talk to a stranger about it'? I always assumed it meant: 'I have a boring job and no one ever wants to hear about it', so I would think I was being friendly by asking questions to follow up and try to really understand what financial services is.

These days, every question is uncomfortable. For instance, I cringe when someone asks if I gave boys or girls. Feels much more intrusive to start talking about my children's quest for the perfect gender than to talk about my lack of respectable employment.

When I was younger and part of the young London professionals scene, people asked very much to see what was in it for them. I would change my response depending on whether or not I wanted to talk to them. Guaranteed if I said "I'm a librarian" they would suddenly have something very urgent to attend to and disappear! My friend was PA to a celebrity and she would only mention the celebrity occasionally and usually just said "I'm a PA for a financier".

This.
Along with asking your age if it is difficult for them to guess or better still asking how often you colour you hair!😵

Yes, exactly - they want to evaluate you, even might be doing it unconsciously.

What I do just evokes more questions and assumptions, not negative as such, but still, I just don't want to explain my life.

Ha ha. A new colleague is seemingly obsessed in finding out my age, to the extent that I've started winding him up about it and giving answers/talking about cultural references that will either pitch me much younger or older than my real age. Yes I know he probably fancies me.

Funny thing is that I have a big birthday in a few months time, so he'll find out then anyway.

I always think its strange not to ask. People who are genuinely interested in getting to know you or wanting a conversation with you will always ask what you do as it's such a big part of your life. It's what you trained for or what life took you to. I always ask. I come from a hardworking wc background but mix with all walks of life never judge. My business raises eyebrows, but I am proud of what I do. If you aren't then you need to look at retraining.

It's a totally normal question and saying that you do a "bit of this and that" makes you sound the weird one!

Yes, exactly - they want to evaluate you, even might be doing it unconsciously.

People are evaluating you, consciously and unconsciously, all the time, no matter what you're talking about.

What would you prefer to be asked?

What are your go to topics with someone you have just met?

I think it’s fine to ask- I have a not straightforward job but have a short line that I’ll say, and if it’s someone I think is genuinely interested I’ll give them the long version. If someone said ‘oh this and that’ I’d probably assume drug dealer or crystal seller 🤣

I think nine times out of ten people are just trying to make conversation so I'd cut them slack.

But the OP is right that it's quite a loaded question and in some circles its used as a cover story to probe whether you're "people like us" or not.

My parents (who were real stealth snobs) were awful for this. They would always ask this of people within minutes of meeting them. They also would use people's careers as a definition of them, so for example if I said "Who are they?" to them about a couple they were having dinner with they would say: "He's a doctor, she's a lawyer". As if people's careers were the beginning and end of the story of who they were. I was just usually looking for: "you know the one who lives next door with the red hair and the big laugh".

There can definitely be an undertone of class suspicion to the question, depending on who's asking it so I don't blame people being uncomfortable with it.

It's also usually not the most interesting thing about someone. Unless you are an emu farmer or a trapeze artist or something chances are it will be mostly dull with flashes of interest. But the idea that it's always the defining thing about you is pretty depressing.

It's a perfectly normal question to ask someone. I like being asked it. It's far more interesting than being asked where I'm from or about being a parent. In terms of categorising people, well everyone does that subconsciously anyway with every conversation or interaction.

It seems there's nothing you can ask without someone getting het up about it!

It's ridiculous. And "this and that" makes you sound like a drug dealer.

As though our job somehow defines us, and youre right, it is totally a quick way of establishing wealth/potential position in society etc. I appreciate that it has to come up sometimes, but if you're trying to make small talk why not ask me about my hobbies or me as a person rather than asking how I make money. Or just stay silent if you can't think of anything to say

Exactly this. I’ve always had a ‘prestigious’ job so no embarrassment factor there but I hate it as a question for this very reason. I usually say, ‘why, are you going to interview me for a role?’ and give a tinkly laugh and change the subject

Pretty much this, unless it's really interesting which most peoples aren't.

I think you are overthinking in - its just an opener -you ask questions so that you can know more about the person and follow up but the actual questions depend on circumstance. So you'd ask people at say a party how do you know x? or about the specific activity? work colleagues - that sort of small talk tends to be where do you live? where did you work before X..marriage and kids can be tricky... its just part of building a picture
My DP hates the question- and he lies (he bigs up a very part-time role he has so it sounds like he does that full time) -and i think he sort of shamed/embarrassed about what he does.
mine is just a bit of a conversation stopper as it's dull

Seriously this is just a normal conversation question. I ask it and am asked it often if I'm at a social thing and mingling. I don't care what people do, I'm just showing an interest and looking for common ground to talk about.

What would you rather people ask?

The idea that a job is only valid if it’s some noble profession that you’re proud of, and you should retrain otherwise, is ridiculous.

Plenty of people just work to earn money to live. And that’s fine!

People can (and some people will) judge you on pretty much any information or observation about you,. That doesn't mean that most people asking you a question during a normal conversation are doing so in order to judge you.

It seems to me that more and more people are becoming utterly paranoid and anxious about having what used to be regarded as totally normal human interactions - from answering the door or the phone to having in-person conversations with strangers, benign physical contact, mentioning anything about their job, finances or family situation and heaven forfend anyone actually looking at or speaking to somebody else's child. It's bonkers and can't be good for individuals or society.

It's just small talk, once you've asked someone's name there aren't that many more socially acceptable questions to ask a stranger, and most awkwardly make conversation because they feel they should even though they're not arsed. Those that would judge you for it would judge for something else if not this. People will be afraid to talk to eaxhother soon 😂

Me too. I distance myself from social situations because of this.

I agree OP, it's really rude and I hate it when people ask. I just dodge the question usually.

Personally I like it when someone says tell me more! About my seemingly boring job. It's better than when I feel dismissed as "just a mum" and conversation switches to my husbands job.