AIBU to ask whether or not I was overreacting and if I should apologise?

[Mountainshills]

NC for this, and I apologise for the long post, but I want to give as much detail and not drip feed.

My cousin's DD (A) has been offering to babysit for me since she was 15. My DC were only 6 and 4 when A was 15, and I felt it was a lot of responsibility for someone her age.

I had to work yesterday (10am until 3pm) and my DM was supposed to care for my DC but she's been poorly over the weekend and still didn't feel well enough to still take my DC by Sunday afternoon, so I thought I'd finally give A a chance.

A is now 19, has ample experience babysitting her nieces and nephews, and she knows my DC pretty well. We agreed on a fee and a time (9.30am until 3.30pm).

Around midday (while she was babysitting yesterday), I got a text from A. She said she just wanted to double check what time I'd be arriving home. I confirmed I would be back by 3.30pm at the latest and asked if everything was OK. She said everything was fine.

I ended up arriving home earlier than planned (just after 3 p.m.) to an empty house. I assumed they'd gone for a walk. I sent A a text to let her know I was home early. She didn't reply, but I thought nothing of it.

They still weren't back by 3.40pm, so I called A. Phone rings until I get her voicemail . Thought she may have not heard her phone, so I waited a few minutes and tried again. I tried her phone 4 times in total and never got an answer.

In the end, I called her DM, my cousin (B). I asked her if she knew where A and the DC were as I was worried, and B told me the DC were fine and they were at her house. Asked her what they were doing there and she tells me that A's friends had rang her and said they were off to the beach and A really wanted to accompany them so she'd asked her DM to come to my house to finish babysitting my DC. B couldn't come to my house as she had friends over for lunch. A then asked B to come and pick up my DC, but B couldn't as she'd had a couple of glasses of wine, so A decided to walk my DC to her house.

A and B live a good 30 minute walk away and the majority of the walk is next to a busy main road and not all of it is pavement, there's a few bits where it's, just, well, road. Not only that, they were on their scooters, no helmets, elbow, knee pads, etc.

A left the DC with her DM and went to the beach. They arrived just after 1pm, which meant they started their journey not long after A had texted asking when I'd be finishing work. DC were then left to entrainment themselves in Bs garden while B was hosting few of her friends (they were also in the garden). They were all people my DC had never met, and I barely know. I went to pick up my DC, handed B the money I owed A, and promptly left.

I sent A a text last night telling her I was really upset and felt let down by her decisions she made regarding my DC and that she should have let Me know she no longer wanted to babysit so I could have made my own childcare arrangements for the DC. I didn't get a reply from A, but I did get a reply for B earlier today.

B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening. B went on to say I was overreacting, and that A simply didn't want to stress me out while at work by changing plans and thought she was doing the right thing by taking my DC to her house so she could care for them. B said my DC was safe with her and that I'd always been happy for her babysit for me in the past , so why was it suddenly an issue . She said A was a sensible girl, and she'd walked slowly with the DC along the main road, and she walked by their side so A was closer to the road than the DC were. And the reason they weren't wearing helmets is because she couldn't find them (they were on a shelf right next to the scooters) and B finished the message by telling me she'd really appreciate if I send A a text apologising for the hurtful things I'd said.

I don't know whether or not I did overreact. I haven't replied to B's text yet. I'm not sure if I should stand my ground or apologise to A. I've just been sitting at home not knowing how to proceed with the situation. Thanks in advance.

This could cause a family rift and mean you struggle got any sitters in future.

I wouldn’t have said anything but I’d have never asked A to babysit again and when leaving the pay I’d have knocked some off saying to As mum, unless you’re charging me too?!

You were 100% justified with your response!

Personally I’d not have said anything either, because you were never going to win and it’s clear b enables a. However this has rhe hallmarks of family feud,

id be furious though and don’t ask a again. If I was going to say something I’d maybe not have went into so much detail, but I’d have said something like I was disappointed not to be told the change of plans and that I’d been worried.

I think at their ages though it’s ok to walk along a main road.

I have an older daughter with a long history of babysitting. I'm trying to imagine her arriving at my front door with two kids and the parent not knowing where she is, let alone trying to 'subcontract' her obligation onto me. She'd be straight back to your house with a rocket up her arse. The fecklessness, my god.

Yes also agree with others that £42 is really not enough for 2 children all day! I know she set this price, but pay peanuts etc etc.

Well, she'll be getting zero from now, and that's much deserved.

'Sorry friends, I'm currently babysitting so I'm not free today until after 4pm, ill meet you at the beach then' ..is the only text she should have sent.

You were rightly annoyed.

A and her mother are outrageous. Never trust A to babysit again; and don't pay her for this one.

Agreed!

No
I do not think you are the one that should apologise.
A committed to babysitting and should have carried out that task.
A got a better offer and basically dumped your kids. That’s irresponsible and I’m surprised her mum doesn’t see this.
A should have texted you, at the very least, to ask what she should do. Although tbh I would have found this wrong also as A should just have told her friend she was working and couldn’t make it.
A clearly doesn’t understand what work commitments are.

I wouldn’t want A to babysit again, just because she’s 19 doesn’t mean she understands the concept of responsibility.

As an aside MNs
What would be a reasonable pay for 6hours childcare

The communication wasn't great but I think you are overreacting.

Exactly.

Going to the beach is not an emergency requiring her to leave her job.

I'm shocked her mother is defending her behaviour. A 19 year old's irresponsible behaviour.

Really?

You book a babysitter.

And later find out they offloaded your kids onto someone else because they had a better offer. And the person they offloaded them onto had multiple different people over who the kids had been mingling with.

Definitely wouldn't have been happy with this.

I probably wouldn't either if it was just a random babysitter, but this is family members so I think that is different. At that age my kids played in relatives houses without me being there or sometimes not even knowing who's house they were in. I did the same as a child. They aren't tiny kids, they are 9 and 11.

To be fair it was family though and the mum often looks after the kids, it wasn’t a random

Of course you shouldn’t apologise. You’re their mum and get to decide what is acceptable. Family or not is irrelevant. She behaved badly.

I wouldn’t have A or B looking after the kids ever again, I must say.

This reminds me of one time we got home from our night out, having left a 6th Former from up the road babysitting - she had babysat a few times on a friend’s recommendation. That night, we got home and found her mother there, she had taken over so her daughter could get to bed.

I mean fair enough, it’s one of the advantages of having someone on same road babysit (parental backup in an emergency) but still a bit disconcerting meeting a stranger in your house. If she had ever said she didn’t want to babysit past a certain time or that her mum might take over, we’d have certainly been fine with that.

At least the kids were in their own beds though and didn’t know the difference. We still didn’t ask her to babysit again though - you just expect these things to be run past you in advance or at least communicated by text…

Oh God! These looooong posts where people are callled A and B 😱

YANBU. That was shoddy behaviour from both A and B. A might have known what she’d be doing when she texted you earlier in the day, in which case means she was dishonest. And if not should have texted you again. What a shame. Have faith in your instincts, I’d be upset if it happened to me

This!! With fucking bells on!
Handing over kids in her care to someone who was over the legal limit to drive!
Had there been an accident or emergency, what the hell would have happened??

OP..... you handled the situation better than me, I wouldn't have paid her, I would be absolutely fuming..... with both her and her mother!

This

Is her mother insane?!
So the 19 year old agrees to babysit, texts to ask when you are home despite it being confirmed, decides to sack off the babysitting when she gets a better offer, takes them with no helmets next to a busy road to dump them on her mother, doesn't think to inform you of this change of plans and just lets you get home and wonder where the hell your young children are, doesn't answer/reply to you, still gets paid for this "babysitting" and YOU need to apologise?!
Seriously. What planet are these people on. I would be absolutely fuming.

What the…no. I wouldn’t apologise.

If you say you’re going to watch someone’s kids, especially if payment is areanged, then you don’t walk out on it.

Even if your best friends in the whole world tell you that, erm…Harry Styles is in the park with them and wants to meet you, and send you photos as proof.

Because if you say you’re going to do something, then unless there is an emergency like a friend/family member getting rushed to hospital or something, you’ve made a commitment.

I couldn’t have ever faced breaking that kind of a thing, especially one as important as a promise for childcare, for something like an afternoon at the beach with friends, partway through.

If it was something I really wanted to do, I would have had to text you first: ‘Dear X, would it be ok if I take the kids to my mum’s? She’s said she’s happy to watch them for the rest of this aft - something’s come up for me. If you’re ok with that, I’ll get us a taxi there and take it out of the money you’re paying. If not, no worries, I just wanted to check.’

Her handling was shockingly immature but understandable, when you read the mum’s response.

If £42 was for 6.5hrs I actually don’t think that’s bad for babysitting at 19. I know qualified childminders who only charge £5ph or £35 for a full day (and that’s 7:30-5!)

Regardless of the actual rate, I wouldn’t have paid the full amount. You paid for her to look after your children in your home and she didn’t do that. I’d be so annoyed at the lack of communication, it must have been a bit frightening to not know where they all were when you got home