AIBU to ask whether or not I was overreacting and if I should apologise?

[Mountainshills]

NC for this, and I apologise for the long post, but I want to give as much detail and not drip feed.

My cousin's DD (A) has been offering to babysit for me since she was 15. My DC were only 6 and 4 when A was 15, and I felt it was a lot of responsibility for someone her age.

I had to work yesterday (10am until 3pm) and my DM was supposed to care for my DC but she's been poorly over the weekend and still didn't feel well enough to still take my DC by Sunday afternoon, so I thought I'd finally give A a chance.

A is now 19, has ample experience babysitting her nieces and nephews, and she knows my DC pretty well. We agreed on a fee and a time (9.30am until 3.30pm).

Around midday (while she was babysitting yesterday), I got a text from A. She said she just wanted to double check what time I'd be arriving home. I confirmed I would be back by 3.30pm at the latest and asked if everything was OK. She said everything was fine.

I ended up arriving home earlier than planned (just after 3 p.m.) to an empty house. I assumed they'd gone for a walk. I sent A a text to let her know I was home early. She didn't reply, but I thought nothing of it.

They still weren't back by 3.40pm, so I called A. Phone rings until I get her voicemail . Thought she may have not heard her phone, so I waited a few minutes and tried again. I tried her phone 4 times in total and never got an answer.

In the end, I called her DM, my cousin (B). I asked her if she knew where A and the DC were as I was worried, and B told me the DC were fine and they were at her house. Asked her what they were doing there and she tells me that A's friends had rang her and said they were off to the beach and A really wanted to accompany them so she'd asked her DM to come to my house to finish babysitting my DC. B couldn't come to my house as she had friends over for lunch. A then asked B to come and pick up my DC, but B couldn't as she'd had a couple of glasses of wine, so A decided to walk my DC to her house.

A and B live a good 30 minute walk away and the majority of the walk is next to a busy main road and not all of it is pavement, there's a few bits where it's, just, well, road. Not only that, they were on their scooters, no helmets, elbow, knee pads, etc.

A left the DC with her DM and went to the beach. They arrived just after 1pm, which meant they started their journey not long after A had texted asking when I'd be finishing work. DC were then left to entrainment themselves in Bs garden while B was hosting few of her friends (they were also in the garden). They were all people my DC had never met, and I barely know. I went to pick up my DC, handed B the money I owed A, and promptly left.

I sent A a text last night telling her I was really upset and felt let down by her decisions she made regarding my DC and that she should have let Me know she no longer wanted to babysit so I could have made my own childcare arrangements for the DC. I didn't get a reply from A, but I did get a reply for B earlier today.

B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening. B went on to say I was overreacting, and that A simply didn't want to stress me out while at work by changing plans and thought she was doing the right thing by taking my DC to her house so she could care for them. B said my DC was safe with her and that I'd always been happy for her babysit for me in the past , so why was it suddenly an issue . She said A was a sensible girl, and she'd walked slowly with the DC along the main road, and she walked by their side so A was closer to the road than the DC were. And the reason they weren't wearing helmets is because she couldn't find them (they were on a shelf right next to the scooters) and B finished the message by telling me she'd really appreciate if I send A a text apologising for the hurtful things I'd said.

I don't know whether or not I did overreact. I haven't replied to B's text yet. I'm not sure if I should stand my ground or apologise to A. I've just been sitting at home not knowing how to proceed with the situation. Thanks in advance.

This. Yup.

You should never have paid!

Their behaviour is appalling

A's mum should have told her she had commitments and must stick to them

W

Jesus, that's shocking. She clearly doesn't have the maturity or responsibility to be allowed to care for children. I can't believe she thought it was okay to just abdicate babysitting without checking with you!

It would have been a different story had she got in touch and asked if it was okay for her mum to take over the last hour so she could go to the beach, but that isn't what happened.

I certainly wouldn't be apologising, it's appropriate for A to feel upset about your message, she did something very inappropriate, apologising now would only be trying to shield her from the consequences of her actions. I'd just reply with a simple 'I won't be apologising to A for how she feels about my message, I stand by what I said' and leave it at that.

I'm sorry but we have to stop babying these people.

I'd been working for 3 years full time plus 2 years responsible Saturday job by 19, I knew you didn't fuck off if you'd finished, you found or asked for more to do!

Also... A left the kids with B, who had been drinking? Enough that she wasn't safe to drive? It gets worse doesn't it!

You did not overreact. I would have hit the roof. She made a commitment to mind your children at your home for a few hours, and just bailed out and left your children with people you did not know, and were drinking.

No I completely agree - I was babied, it did me no favours! I cringe when I think of it!

My point is, that A is probably babied too and that’s why she didn’t know what she’d done wrong. Especially since her mother was the one who replied about the text.

Definitely don’t trust them again. A sounds coddled and irresponsible. The OP absolutely should not apologise!

But I know what that’s like to be young and naive. Didn’t occur to me to look for stuff to do when I was young and in that job. I had a lot of growing up to do quickly! I wasn’t mature and I had no clue. I think coddly parents think they’re helping their kids, but they’re not.

*I'm sorry but we have to stop babying these people.

I'd been working for 3 years full time plus 2 years responsible Saturday job by 19, I knew you didn't fuck off if you'd finished, you found or asked for more to do!*

I agree. A agreed to watch the children, paid, and then decided she had a better offer. No, you don't do that, she's an adult, she should have stuck to her word and gone out after.
I do think that many young adults need to grow up.

I'm a very chilled grandma and I was a very chilled DM but, in these circumstances, I would have been furious!
I had a similar situation when my children were small but the childminder phoned me to ask me what I wanted her to do when an unavoidable change occurred. She told me what she'd arranged and asked for my agreement. I agreed because it was an unavoidable emergency!

She was completely unacceptably out of order to take them elsewhere and change the arrangement. The helmet situation would have me absolutely rageful. I think you’ve been very considered and fair.

I hope you never ask her to babysit again. I would be horrified to come home and find my children weren’t there. She should have at least sent you a text saying where they were.
You have nothing to apologise for. I would say that you are not apologising - you gave her a chance, but the fact she then went out with her friends is appalling. Never mind the long walk, no helmets etc etc.
However, you are willing to accept an apology from A.

A agreed to do a job. She then made plans after the fact (or rather during!) to go have fun with her friends instead of caring for your DC. Not only that, but she was unable to be contacted when you were trying to enquire about the whereabouts of your own children. She doesn't sound mature at all nor trustworthy. I'd make it clear to both A and B that you won't be apologising - they let you down. Your children are not just toys that can be picked up and dropped as someone sees fit.

I think you are under reacting if anything. She sounds incredibly immature and would never be baby sitting for me again.

It's minimum standards to let the parents know where their small children are and to be contactable at all times.

I felt angry just reading your op. And I wouldn't have paid her the full fee either. A needs to learn about responsibility and commitment. She's old enough.

Agree with this tbh 😂. A’s behaviour was totally out of order, but that’s definitely not a reasonable rate of pay,

She's 19.

And she had her mommy text you that you hurt her feelings (after she abdicated her babysitting job and dumped your children somewhere else without your knowledge for a different day than they'd been promised by her).

She could have easily texted you and said 'how would you feel if I did x' rather than just do it and piss off to the beach with her friends rather than do her actual job that she was being paid for.

I think you handled it just fine.

She's shown you she's not responsible or reliable, and you calmly made this clear.

Not over reacting. I pulled my mil up on similar when she left DS with her sister for the afternoon without telling me so she could get her hair done. Obviously if I had known I would have made other arrangements. I told her I was uncomfortable and in future she wasn't to delegate the looking after and if she couldn't do it she needed to refer back to me. All sorted.

(PS: To be fair, you weren't paying her enough to watch 2 children all day. Especially if she'd actually done the job as promised.)

She should have texted you and told you the new arrangement and checked you were ok with that. To just leave your house empty with not even a note to say where she and your children were was thoughtless and out of order. Don’t apologise! She needs to know she did wrong.

Shitty behaviour from the self-centred daughter and equally shitty parenting/behaviour by the over-indulgent mother. No fucking way on earth I would apologise.

Haha me neither. Babysitting means putting the kids first, not pissing off to the beach when you get a better offer, and traipsing down a busy road with little kids on scooters without their helmets. FGS.

The babysitter is being raised without a sense of personal responsibility if she thinks that's ok and 'didnt want to put you out with a change of plans'. There was no emergency requiring change of plans. She just wanted to dump her babysitting responsibilities to hang out with her mates in the sun. There's no way on earth I'd have acted like that at 19. It's even worse the mum expects you to send an apology text, I mean, talk about rewarding irresponsible behaviour!!

I think coddly parents think they’re helping their kids, but they’re not.

I think it's more a) vanity - they idealise their kids as a way of validating themselves as parents - and b) weakness - they don't want the hassle of saying no to their entitled children and having to deal with the fall-out.

Nineteen is an adult. It says a lot about the dynamic in that home that instead of your cousin telling her adult daughter 'you accepted the job, you didn't do it properly, you were negligent in communicating with OP, you decided to clock off and head to the beach, you owe her an apology and to reflect before accepting more babysitting jobs in the future'

she's instead gone to you to complain you hurt her adult child's feelings.

That. Texting is the worst possible way to communicate this story of stuff. None of us know how your text read. You might have written it in sorrow rather than anger, but tone can be read completely differently.