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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask whether or not I was overreacting and if I should apologise?

254 replies

Mountainshills · 30/05/2023 23:20

NC for this, and I apologise for the long post, but I want to give as much detail and not drip feed.

My cousin's DD (A) has been offering to babysit for me since she was 15. My DC were only 6 and 4 when A was 15, and I felt it was a lot of responsibility for someone her age.

I had to work yesterday (10am until 3pm) and my DM was supposed to care for my DC but she's been poorly over the weekend and still didn't feel well enough to still take my DC by Sunday afternoon, so I thought I'd finally give A a chance.

A is now 19, has ample experience babysitting her nieces and nephews, and she knows my DC pretty well. We agreed on a fee and a time (9.30am until 3.30pm).

Around midday (while she was babysitting yesterday), I got a text from A. She said she just wanted to double check what time I'd be arriving home. I confirmed I would be back by 3.30pm at the latest and asked if everything was OK. She said everything was fine.

I ended up arriving home earlier than planned (just after 3 p.m.) to an empty house. I assumed they'd gone for a walk. I sent A a text to let her know I was home early. She didn't reply, but I thought nothing of it.

They still weren't back by 3.40pm, so I called A. Phone rings until I get her voicemail . Thought she may have not heard her phone, so I waited a few minutes and tried again. I tried her phone 4 times in total and never got an answer.

In the end, I called her DM, my cousin (B). I asked her if she knew where A and the DC were as I was worried, and B told me the DC were fine and they were at her house. Asked her what they were doing there and she tells me that A's friends had rang her and said they were off to the beach and A really wanted to accompany them so she'd asked her DM to come to my house to finish babysitting my DC. B couldn't come to my house as she had friends over for lunch. A then asked B to come and pick up my DC, but B couldn't as she'd had a couple of glasses of wine, so A decided to walk my DC to her house.

A and B live a good 30 minute walk away and the majority of the walk is next to a busy main road and not all of it is pavement, there's a few bits where it's, just, well, road. Not only that, they were on their scooters, no helmets, elbow, knee pads, etc.

A left the DC with her DM and went to the beach. They arrived just after 1pm, which meant they started their journey not long after A had texted asking when I'd be finishing work. DC were then left to entrainment themselves in Bs garden while B was hosting few of her friends (they were also in the garden). They were all people my DC had never met, and I barely know. I went to pick up my DC, handed B the money I owed A, and promptly left.

I sent A a text last night telling her I was really upset and felt let down by her decisions she made regarding my DC and that she should have let Me know she no longer wanted to babysit so I could have made my own childcare arrangements for the DC. I didn't get a reply from A, but I did get a reply for B earlier today.

B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening. B went on to say I was overreacting, and that A simply didn't want to stress me out while at work by changing plans and thought she was doing the right thing by taking my DC to her house so she could care for them. B said my DC was safe with her and that I'd always been happy for her babysit for me in the past , so why was it suddenly an issue . She said A was a sensible girl, and she'd walked slowly with the DC along the main road, and she walked by their side so A was closer to the road than the DC were. And the reason they weren't wearing helmets is because she couldn't find them (they were on a shelf right next to the scooters) and B finished the message by telling me she'd really appreciate if I send A a text apologising for the hurtful things I'd said.

I don't know whether or not I did overreact. I haven't replied to B's text yet. I'm not sure if I should stand my ground or apologise to A. I've just been sitting at home not knowing how to proceed with the situation. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
thaisweetchill · 31/05/2023 08:29

Clearly A gets her lack of responsibility from B.

The fact she contacted you already but then failed to inform you where your kids were was totally irresponsible.

The worst part here is B enabling this behaviour, she is a 19 year old girl and needs to realise you can't just pack up work because your friends are off out having fun!

I would definitely not be apologising and instead be asking for an apology from A for the lack of responsibility and worry she caused you!

Kiwano · 31/05/2023 08:31

I wouldn't have paid A the full whack, I'd have given part of the money to her mother.

misskatamari · 31/05/2023 08:31

Fucking ludicrous! And the fact that this grown adult has gotten her mum to text you, effectively telling you off, is batshit! A has behaved like an irresponsible teenager (which it seems she still is), and instead of being able to see how her actions have affected you, and that she’s made an error in judgment- it’s turned around on you, to make you feel like you’re in the wrong? Fuck that! I wouldn’t be apologising and it would make me think less of her mum, now that she’s pandering to her daughters utter bullshit

Banana1979 · 31/05/2023 08:36

She was worried about what you would say
She’s 19 not 9 I’m sure she can walk children to their house you should’ve just said next time can you let me know please before you do that don’t make it into an argument -they were safe. It doesn’t matter if the kids didn’t didn’t know the people at your sisters house they were playing in the garden for gods sake
A bit silly of her to change plans but she took them somewhere safe

Velvian · 31/05/2023 08:38

Did you miss the part where she walked them along a main road with no pavements with scooters and no helmets @Banana1979 ?

Viviennemary · 31/05/2023 08:40

A was cheeky, irresponsible and selfish. She was paid but still couldnt finish the day. I wouldn't ask her again. YANBU.

Caledoniadreaming · 31/05/2023 08:40

AverageJoan · 31/05/2023 05:24

This was my first thought too. No way I'd be apologising to either.

Show quote history

This was my first thought as well; not only were they both irresponsible of keeping in contact with you, how were your kids going to get home before you (I know you got home early), if B had already "had a couple of glasses of wine"? You'd still have been in the same situation with not knowing where they were.

Banana1979 · 31/05/2023 08:40

User478 · 31/05/2023 00:18

I'm a nanny, if I left my charges with my mum so I could hang out with my mates I would be fired on the spot.

I think A is lucky you didn't call the police when you got home to an empty house and no response from A's phone.

8 and 10 year olds know where their helmets are so she just couldn't be bothered to even look/ask.

What a ridiculous statement number 1 A isn’t a nanny and 2 to call the police is absolutely absurd and they wouldn’t have wasted their time attending
she took them to family where OP trusts
OP is pissed off that she wasn’t informed first, but clearly this is not a police matter 🤡
OP if you ask for an apology, you are going to ruin your relationship with them
clearly babysitter isn’t very mature, but I did the right thing by taking them to your sisters when she couldn’t be bothered to look after them herself. She probably just didn’t see the need to contact you because you are sisters and was probably expecting her mother to do it for her.
I’m sure she is not stupid in helping them cross the road though
It’s done now, just clear the air

ChristmasCwtch · 31/05/2023 08:41

I’d be furious in your shoes. No way would I apologise to A. She shouldn’t be given the opportunity to babysit again. She’s shown herself to be entirely selfish and irresponsible.

Our neighbour’s 17 year old is always keen to babysit. Last time I booked her though, she messaged me an hour before she was due to arrive to say that she couldn’t come as she wanted to go to a party, but it was fine as she’d asked her 24 year old brother (who we’d never met) to babysit instead. Errr no to random man. Flaky. I don’t book her any longer. It’s generational ime.

MinnieGirl · 31/05/2023 08:42

AllotmentTime · 31/05/2023 00:13

Your reply can be “Don’t be ridiculous. A should be apologising to me.”

Job done.

This is perfect

GabriellaMontez · 31/05/2023 08:45

I wouldn't apologise. I may also say that the children were disappointed not to go to the skate park as promised.

I wouldn't employ her again.

Why the fuck didn't they tell you? Why did they leave it to you to phone around?

MrsMorrisey · 31/05/2023 08:46

A is an arsehole and you haven't done anything wrong.
There's a reason you hadn't used her before, instinct.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 31/05/2023 08:50

'Hi B, I trusted A with the care of my kids and she ditched them at the first opportunity she got. If you think that warrants an apology from me you've got another think coming.'

alternatively

'😂😂😂😂😂'

WonderingWanda · 31/05/2023 08:51

No you haven't overreacted. I would not have paid her for this either. If she worked in a shop and walked out mid shift she would get the sack.

Moveoverdarlin · 31/05/2023 08:53

I’d be furious too. I probably wouldn’t have text though as it was obvious it was going to cause an upset. I would have just paid and never used her again. It’s not Bs fault, she’s defending her daughter and she probably didn’t want two kids in her garden if she was hosting friends for lunch, especially if they all had a drink.

olympicsrock · 31/05/2023 08:54

No apology from you needed.

WimpoleHat · 31/05/2023 08:54

The huge issue here is that she committed to taking care of your children, then decided half way through that she had a better offer and buggered off without telling you.

This. You certainly don’t owe A an apology - she owes you one! I’d tell her that (or B if it’s easier). Exactly along the lines of the quote above, adding that you got home to an empty house, she didn’t answer her phone and you had to find them! And I would never allow her to babysit again.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/05/2023 08:56

MrTiddlesTheCat · 31/05/2023 08:50

'Hi B, I trusted A with the care of my kids and she ditched them at the first opportunity she got. If you think that warrants an apology from me you've got another think coming.'

alternatively

'😂😂😂😂😂'

This, along with "I am the one who is owed an apology. From both of you."

Onelifeonly · 31/05/2023 09:06

YANBU. For one, she should have communicated with you. It's nonsense to say she didn't want to bother you at work as she had already done so. Both bits of information could have been included in the same message since they related to each other.

But overall she shouldn't have changed the arrangements in the first place. She was doing a job for you. If she had been working somewhere else, she couldn't have just flaked out halfway through a shift to go to the beach. She didn't take her responsibility to you seriously.

To me she sounds more like she is still 15 rather than 19.

I wouldn't apologise, I'd explain again how she let you down. B is obviously an overindulgent mother and needs to realise her dd is now a grown up - she shouldn't be interfering and she shouldn't have agreed to A's plan in the first place. I wouldn't have done if she were my dd (I have 2 of a similar age).

VivaLesTartes · 31/05/2023 09:16

At 19 I feel like it's not acceptable for you to be paid to do a specific job and then go to the beach instead ( that's putting aside the childcare aspect)
I am shocked her mum facilitated this to be honest.

Coffeesnob11 · 31/05/2023 09:18

I think the bare minimum should have been her texting you and saying she had a great offer she really wanted to take up and her mums offered to stwp in, were you okay with that. To leave you incommunicado is indefensible. To those saying she is like a 15 year old, I babysat regularly as a 15 year old and would never have behaved like this. I also treated it as a job, I did fun stuff with the kids, baking, football, treasure hunts, board games etc. It would have been different if it was a favour for free. I would find a reputable childminder and not use family again. You don't need to apologise to her (I apologise to everyone so that's saying something) I am glad the kids are safe and I hope your heart rate has returned to normal

rainylake · 31/05/2023 09:21

She is an adult and has taken on a job for pay (pay which she set incidentally). Family or no family it’s not acceptable to ditch that halfway through because she decided to go to the beach! And doubly unacceptable when it involves caring for children.

Even if there had been a genuine emergency that meant she had to take them to her mum’s, she should have contacted you to explain this. The lack of contact is also completely unacceptable.

I would have sent the text and I would be sending a follow up text to the mum along the lines suggested by PP. I wouldn’t care if it led to a falling out because it is their doing. And I wouldn’t ever ask either of them to have my kids again as both have shown they have terrible judgement.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/05/2023 09:23

Notajollyholly · 31/05/2023 08:04

Earrings there are 2 sides to every story or 3 in this case. Op had to go to work BH Monday morning, and up until Sunday evening her dm was having the kids..so fairly short notice. To find an alternative sitter at £7.49ph was going to be a challenge. So maybe A felt it difficult to say no. As said it was the lack of communication that was the worst thing, the kids at that age should have known where the helmets were. I can totally understand the worry that has been caused and the bad feeling though

Nope.

Regardless of what A felt, she accepted it & was getting paid. No excuses for her.

My DC babysit for family with no expectation of payment - sometimes they get money but sometimes they just enjoy hanging out with aunts / uncles / cousins & the trade-off is a bit of independence & some treats in return for babysitting for a few hours. I'd be mortified if one of them behaved like A - who is older than mine.

TurkeyLurkey4 · 31/05/2023 09:25

A is out of order. She made an agreement and should have stuck to it. B should have explained that to her, rather than enabling her and then defending her afterwards. As long as your message was matter of fact, then you haven’t done anything wrong. I wouldn’t apologise. A should apologise to her. B shouldn’t have allowed it to happen.

Sellotape6 · 31/05/2023 09:30

Mountainshills · 31/05/2023 06:25

Wouldn't consider it a favour.
I didn't mention to her that I was desperate for someone to babysit. I simply asked if she still wanted to babysit and was she available to babysit the following day.
When discussing the fee, she said she usually charges £3.50 per child per hour for babysitting gigs. For 6 hours, for both DC, that's £42 and that's exactly how much I paid her. I'm not sure what the 'going rate' is for babysitters, but I know the national minimum wage for 19 year olds is £7.49ph and I was paying her 49p less.

Show quote history

I think the issue here is that she didn’t tell you she was going to leave the kids with someone else. It was someone you know - but she should have told you and asked if that was alright.

But she’s young and probably doesn’t know this stuff. I was very naive and sheltered at 19. I remember being in a job and having nothing to do and saying to my boss: “should I just go home?” Everyone around me was shocked I’d said it, so immediately knew I’d said a faux pas. I wasn’t intentionally being rude, I just really didn’t know (my parents coddled us!). I can’t believe I said that now!

As long as your text wasn’t aggressive, you’ve done nothing wrong. Obviously don’t leave your kids with her again!

You could always send B this thread as to why you won’t be apologising to A!