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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfeeding DD(4)

421 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 30/05/2023 22:41

I have a DD(4) and DS(18 months). I have always wanted to breastfeed them until they wean naturally and always assumed this would be between 18 months and 2 years.

My DD is showing absolutely no desire to give up the boob and currently feeds first thing in the morning and again at some point in the evening, so only twice a day. I am more than happy with this as it obviously brings her comfort. However, DH has made it known to me that he thinks this is wrong and that I should be making her stop. He is very much of the opinion that she is too old and I should be putting boundaries in place. He has admitted he feels embarrassed about the situation and has asked for me to feed DD in private as he doesnt want to see it.

AIBU to insist on letting her feed until she is ready to wean naturally or should I make her stop? I am also worried that she'll get jealous if she sees DS still feeding. She is also still very attached to her dummy, something that also bothers DH. Any advice from anyone who has been through similar would be appreciated as it's a real bone of contention in our marriage at the moment. TIA

OP posts:
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7
GreenWheat · 31/05/2023 07:57

Summerfun54321 · 31/05/2023 06:23

I am totally for breastfeeding as long as possible but it sounds like your decision making as a parent lacks confidence. Not all children self wean and the fact your 4 year old has a dummy sounds like you are too afraid to make decisions that upset your child. Your job is to parent, not to avoid upsetting them.

I was trying to think of a way to say this. Child-dictated approaches often seem like evasive parenting to me. Children need adults to lead the way and guide them

BertieBotts · 31/05/2023 07:58

The only thing I will say is that with DS1 I did struggle in general with boundaries with him and found the ages 3/4 very difficult. I don't know how much continuing to BF contributed to this, or whether it was the other way around (I was struggling so he latched on even more (pardon the pun Grin) or whether it was just all mashed together. I was not really emotionally in a good place. I sometimes felt resentful of the way that he demanded attention. It was so long ago now that I can't really give you a clear picture of what was going on for us, but I didn't have as much of this with DS2. He is still in an annoying age, there are still apsects to Four which I am finding difficult, but it's on a whole other level.

(DS1 is fine now, a teenager, we have a much better relationship, he is a relatively chilled out teen!)

Blossomtoes · 31/05/2023 07:58

Society would have been a lot more judgemental in the past. Anyone still breastfeeding a child over about 18 months would have been considered completely bonkers 50 years ago. And it would have been impossible when women had a baby a year - my gran had one every year for five years.

FFF3 · 31/05/2023 07:59

People are repeatedly dismissing societal expectations, and suggesting that we’re all taken in by them in some way. They exist to form a framework by which we all live, and have of course developed as we have moved forward into the modern world. I’m not saying I entirely disagree with extended breastfeeding, but to refer to natural age weaning as 4-7 years doesn’t necessarily apply anymore - and we can’t entirely dismiss cultural and societal norms, similarly to how we can’t choose to walk down the road naked just because it’s natural.

FirstBirthday · 31/05/2023 08:02

I couldn’t breastfeed for medical reasons. If I were able to bf any of mine, for just one day, I would consider myself the luckiest woman alive… let alone 4 years. I’m so jealous.

BreatheAndFocus · 31/05/2023 08:05

ShoesoftheWorld · 31/05/2023 07:25

I'm really interested in the frequently repeated argument 'she'll be starting school soon'. Does this mean it would be fine, in there posters' eyes, for it to go on until 7 in countries where children don't start until then? I doubt it, given these posters' apparent attitudes to bf - so 'starting school' seems to be some kind of alibi argument around their own unease. I'm also interested in why people think it's going to come up among the children. And why it would be inevitable or OK for the child to be teased about it, any more than it would be for a child to be teased for going to sleep with a nightlight or a cuddly. A lot of projecting of adult feelings around this here.

This ^^

One of my DC’s nursed for an extended length of time. School totally wasn’t an issue. Infants talk about the games they’re playing, their toys, etc. They don’t sit there and have discussions about family life! Ridiculous! And such an obvious excuse from a few posters here to justify pushing children/mums to stop.

Some children simply choose to bf for much longer than others. They all self-wean though, and when the time comes it can happen pretty quickly and with no drama whatsoever. Usually a child will only nurse in the evenings or at limited times.

YADNBU, OP. The WHO says up to 7yrs. Nobody can force a child to nurse. This is controlled by the child and if you leave them be and don’t make a big fuss about it, they’ll simply stop when they’re ready. Each child is different.

The dummy, however, is something that I’d discourage.

FloatingthroughSpace · 31/05/2023 08:07

In other species the babies don't feed until they naturally self wean, as a rule. The mother chases the babies off. At least that's what happened to all the dogs we ever had. It seems to happen in at least some tribal communities too; I read about Bofi mothers covering their nipples, and mothers in several Kenyan tribes aren't routinely breastfeeding for extended periods - age 40 months appears to be an outlier.

Natural weaning can be a lot younger. I have 4. I did don't offer, don't refuse. 3 of mine stopped asking or seeking within a month either side of their first birthday. The other I had to wean more actively when I had antibiotics not safe for breastfeeding for a serious infection; she was 2.5.

Personally I don't think much of it either way, but there are an awful lot of people on this thread quoting natural weaning age of 4-7 years whereas there's very little evidence of this actually happening in cultures, even traditional ones. There's even evidence from a Neanderthal child's tooth to show they were weaned at 14 months.

Breastfeeding DD(4)
Breastfeeding DD(4)
cpphelp · 31/05/2023 08:14

I think your husband is right. I breastfed my first and expressed for my twins as in NICU, so maybe I'm only used to this for babies under one.
All three of mine drank milk twice daily, water all the day from a munchkin cup by the age of one. My first did this from ten months as I was expecting the twins to arrive so wanting to wean off of bottles.

Would you consider expressing out of a toddler cup? I wish I'd expressed longer and I admire you for breast feeding for so long

LlamaFace19 · 31/05/2023 08:14

Eh, I personally wouldn't want to breastfeed a child of that age. I weaned DD when she was 18 months, she's 4 now and couldn't imagine still BFing her. I'm still BFing DS who is almost 1 but stopping soon. I think beyond about 2.5 is too old. But not because I think it's odd or sexual or anything like that, but for the same reason I think a 4 year old still having a dummy or wearing nappies in the day (obviously talking about a neurotypical child) is too old. BFing is for babies and toddlers IMO.

This is just my opinion though. Your child, your breasts, your business and your husband shouldn't dictate to you what to do with your own body.

cpphelp · 31/05/2023 08:15

Also, only my twins had dummies in NICU.... all three at home didn't need them as they had us/milk

Hidinginaonesie · 31/05/2023 08:15

At 4, bf is not necessary. The nutrition can be replaced with alternative (more nutritious) food and the comfort with cuddles. By continuing, you’re not gaining anything except conflict with dh, dependency from dd and depletion of your own energy (which could impact your ds).

Tulip2478 · 31/05/2023 08:18

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 07:31

4 Is far to old, stop babying her. You are doing it for you not her. I also think your son is far to old to.

Disgusting comment. No parent does it 'just for them'. It's impossible to force a child to breast feed. I take it you never have? And 18 months isn't too old by any means.

JosephineRunnerbean · 31/05/2023 08:22

Hidinginaonesie · 31/05/2023 08:15

At 4, bf is not necessary. The nutrition can be replaced with alternative (more nutritious) food and the comfort with cuddles. By continuing, you’re not gaining anything except conflict with dh, dependency from dd and depletion of your own energy (which could impact your ds).

Not "necessary"? Why are cuddles, or a soft toy or a blanket acceptable forms of comfort, but not breastfeeding?

Can the antibodies from breast milk be replaced with an alternative?

And in what way is the OP creating "dependency"? The more you let them be close, the more they know that they are free to go out into the world and explore because they know you are always there to come back to when they need you. The more you push them away when they're not ready, the more they cling to you.

itsgettingweird · 31/05/2023 08:25

Keep the BF.

Ditch the dummy.

BF is a natural thing and dummies are not.

Emmamoo89 · 31/05/2023 08:25

I'm with your husband. 4 is too old.

Don't get me wrong I love breastfeeding but will be weaning my son at 2. No later.

Opaque11 · 31/05/2023 08:25

Hidinginaonesie · 31/05/2023 08:15

At 4, bf is not necessary. The nutrition can be replaced with alternative (more nutritious) food and the comfort with cuddles. By continuing, you’re not gaining anything except conflict with dh, dependency from dd and depletion of your own energy (which could impact your ds).

I agree with this. She's too old now and I would also be uncomfortable with seeing such a big child bf. But on MN you can be 7 and it's normal Grin

SnackSizeRaisin · 31/05/2023 08:27

HoppingPavlova · 31/05/2023 03:52

Whatever you want is okay and your choice. I do however think that the global age for weaning being higher is due to much of the globe having poor access to clean water, food etc. I’d hazard a guess that if everyone had access to these things the global average for weaning would be much lower. I imagine if clean water is an issue and food was scarce I’d have wanted to breastfeed mine for an extended time as it would be logistically easier and safer for them.

Food is not scarce across most of the globe. Only in a small number of war torn countries. Anyway if there's no food then the milk supply will dry up to preserve the mother's life.

Clean water is available in most places now. There is no issue with giving children ordinary drinking water. The danger is only with newborns and up to about 1 year. Older than that even breastfed children drink water.

i think weaning at age 4-7 applies to pre-agricultural society rather than modern society - there are not really any humans living in that way any more - perhaps a very small number of isolated rainforest tribes.

Obviously feed as long as you want but saying it's a biological norm is a bit false - it clearly isn't!

brunettemic · 31/05/2023 08:28

Obviously it’s up to you, it’s too old in my opinion but that’s just me. What I think you need to ask yourself is are you doing it for her or are you doing it for you? I have a friend who was doing the latter and it became quite a big deal that caused her issues in terms of stopping it.

BellaJuno · 31/05/2023 08:29

SunnySaturdayMorning · 30/05/2023 22:44

YANBU about the breastfeeding. Natural weaning age is 2-7.

YABU about the dummy. She’s far too old for that and it’s bad for both her teeth and her speech.

This entirely, I’d ditch the dummy but keep bf-ing if you and your DD are both happy with it. If your DH doesn’t want to see it, he can look away.

existingusername · 31/05/2023 08:29

If it's really for the benefits of breast milk why not express and give in a cup. Why is the husband vilified for wanting his wife to stop it's his child too surely he gets a say in their upbringing.

bussteward · 31/05/2023 08:29

ShippingNews · 31/05/2023 05:49

I can't help wondering why it's said to be "fine... perfectly natural" etc to breast feed until 4 / 5 / 6 etc, yet nobody would claim that for bottle feeding.

I'm with OPs husband, time to pack it in.

Because one is natural and the other isn’t. Thank god bottle feeding and that formula was invented, it saves babies (and mothers!), but it’s a bit of a “durrrr” isn’t it? Breastfeeding is a natural, biological process that our society tries to curtail because it makes people uncomfortable (she’s four! school! icky! breasts!); bottle feeding is a man-made solution that we need to curtail because it damages children’s teeth in a way that breastfeeding doesn’t. HTH.

SnackSizeRaisin · 31/05/2023 08:30

itsgettingweird · 31/05/2023 08:25

Keep the BF.

Ditch the dummy.

BF is a natural thing and dummies are not.

Ditching anything unnatural..so presumably no riding in cars, riding bikes, wearing shoes, eating any food that hasn't been collected or caught by your own tribe, living in a house, medical care, etc etc...and no contraception for parents either...why are people so fixated on "natural" when it comes to babies when there's nothing else in modern life that's natural?

existingusername · 31/05/2023 08:30

I also don't understand why they are too old for a dummy because they are 4 but not old enough to drink out of a cup instead of sucking on your tits.

Blossomtoes · 31/05/2023 08:31

bottle feeding is a man-made solution that we need to curtail because it damages children’s teeth in a way that breastfeeding doesn’t.

This is the kind of extreme view that makes people just discount everything you say.

SnackSizeRaisin · 31/05/2023 08:32

existingusername · 31/05/2023 08:29

If it's really for the benefits of breast milk why not express and give in a cup. Why is the husband vilified for wanting his wife to stop it's his child too surely he gets a say in their upbringing.

Many of the benefits are reduced if it's expressed and given later. Antibodies don't survive long outside the body.