Breastfeeding DD(4)

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

I have a DD(4) and DS(18 months). I have always wanted to breastfeed them until they wean naturally and always assumed this would be between 18 months and 2 years.

My DD is showing absolutely no desire to give up the boob and currently feeds first thing in the morning and again at some point in the evening, so only twice a day. I am more than happy with this as it obviously brings her comfort. However, DH has made it known to me that he thinks this is wrong and that I should be making her stop. He is very much of the opinion that she is too old and I should be putting boundaries in place. He has admitted he feels embarrassed about the situation and has asked for me to feed DD in private as he doesnt want to see it.

AIBU to insist on letting her feed until she is ready to wean naturally or should I make her stop? I am also worried that she'll get jealous if she sees DS still feeding. She is also still very attached to her dummy, something that also bothers DH. Any advice from anyone who has been through similar would be appreciated as it's a real bone of contention in our marriage at the moment. TIA

I'd like a natural and pleasant end of this journey. I've been BF for almost 7 years now in total. Given the very rocky start I had to BF with my youngest eldest I would never have imagine BF for so long.

It's early! 😣

Breastfed mine (3 of them, my 4th could never breastfeed direct due to disability. I expressed for her for 2 yrs instead) until they were 5. That's when they self weaned. With some encouragements for one of them.
It benefited them and it benefited me. They certainly were not bullied for it and all of them would be perfectly able to stand up for themselves if this was ever mentioned (though i can't see a scenario where it would be or would have been). They all have fond memories of it and are fabulous children. I question myself a lot as a parent but this is something i had no doubt about and no regret. It's a shame to see people conditioned to think it's "wrong".

Dummy should go 100%. At 4 years old she's far too old for all the "dummy fairy" nonsense as well, she'll be starting school soon. Just bin it. Yes, she'll be upset at first but you'll be surprised at how quickly they forget about it. I took DS's away when he was 2 and a half cold turkey.

Regarding the breastfeeding. YANBU to want to continue feeding, however you need to consider that your DD will be starting school soon and she will likely get teased. That's not really fair on her. It sounds like you're babying her in many ways. Whether people on this thread agree or not, we don't have a big culture of breastfeeding 4 year olds in the UK and kids can be very cruel to each other. I'd consider stopping for that reason alone.

@Erglebergle
BF a 7 yr old? I'm sorry but there no need, your role as a parent is to help your child mature and be independent, is she still in a cot? eating baby foods?

One of the advantages of stopping at this age is that you can actually talk to them, and listen to them, about it. IIRC with mine there may have been a couple of 'false starts' where I raised the idea and they were resistant enough for me to drop it, but in the end we'd really found a point where it was OK for both of us. I don't think it's for someone external to the dyad (your dh) to interfere in that. Your body, your choice is a principle that holds here as well IMO.

Natural self weaning age is between 4 and 7 according to most research.
BF is a two way relationship. If you're really done with it, it's absolutely fine for you to call time. It has to work for both.
Join the FB group "breastfeeding older babies and beyond" for lots of sympathetic support and advice on how to wean beyond baby age.

This a decision between you and your child and your DH a should support your decision making

"What if she never self weans"

This is physiologically impossible. Children's mouths change shape as they get older, so they ultimately lose the ability to suck effectively. Also, regarding why people have commented that she's too old for the dummy, but not too old for breastfeeding - the mechanics of different sucking has a different effect on the mouth. Dummies are not a physiological shape (same with bottle teats) and don't behave in the same way as the nipple, so that's why it's advisable to give both up as soon as practicable.

My older one self weaned at 4 and a half. I was surprised how quickly he forgot how to latch on! I'm still feeding my second, who's 3. I would be fine with it if she gave up, but so far I'm taking the path of least resistance.

I think it's good that several posters have acknowledged that they have no idea why they think that 4 is "too old", and your husband could probably do with some self reflection on that too. Societal expectations have certainly done a number on us!

I think the word breastfeeding doesn’t help with cultural acceptance of continuing beyond babyhood.

In German the word for breastfeeding is ‘stillen’ (to calm) and in the US ‘nursing’, both convey the comfort and nurturing aspect.

I found it naturally became a private thing after babyhood anyway because the need was less immediate. It was fine at home or with a couple of other friends who BF their toddlers but otherwise I’d find privacy - not because I thought it shameful, just wanted to feel comfortable. Back then even 12 months was a shocker!!

DH was supportive simply because he saw the positive effects on DC. I don’t know how he’d have been with 4+. Mine were 3.5 and 3 when they stopped and even before that it had dwindled to pretty much sleep/wake transition.

I'm really interested in the frequently repeated argument 'she'll be starting school soon'. Does this mean it would be fine, in there posters' eyes, for it to go on until 7 in countries where children don't start until then? I doubt it, given these posters' apparent attitudes to bf - so 'starting school' seems to be some kind of alibi argument around their own unease. I'm also interested in why people think it's going to come up among the children. And why it would be inevitable or OK for the child to be teased about it, any more than it would be for a child to be teased for going to sleep with a nightlight or a cuddly. A lot of projecting of adult feelings around this here.

YABU I agree with your husband.

4 Is far to old, stop babying her. You are doing it for you not her. I also think your son is far to old to.

Mother of grown up children here
My second child nursed longer than 4, and weaned all on her own. We had no problems then about people thinking it was odd, no problems with school or anything. Now she is an adult we have no problems with people thinking it was odd. Or when she was at uni, or any time through school. If anyone commented on her, it was to say what a well balanced independent child she was. And the doc commented how great it was that he hardly ever saw her and what a healthy child she was. Person ly I was fine with comments like that

One of mine just stopped at two, I thought the other one would stop soon after... Finally stopped just AFTER her fourth birthday. I was so fed up by that point, I very much wanted to stop... Totally over it.

• I tied it in with bodily autonomy chat, I was like "my boobs are private, I don't want to get them out in public, this is private so we will just do it at home" that helped get it down to morning and bedtime

• do they have a big cousin/sibling, just point out how they stopped and now they drink drinks from cups all the time. It's part of growing up!

• I told them my breasts were going to stop making milk. I stressed again and again "it's not your fault, it's nothing you've done, just as my body gets a bit older, it will stop making milk. It started making milk when you were babies and now you're 4! You're so smart and big!! So it will stop the milk at MY next birthday, just like how grandma gets wrinkles/you're tall enough to reach the sink/whatever"

It took a couple of months but we got there, very gradually, with zero tears. I am SO glad I stopped, I do feel like I have more energy. A lot of people said tie it in with getting a toy/treat but that didn't work for me at all. Good luck!

The son is 18m ffs. Do people on here do no research on anything before making uninformed comments?! WHO recommends babies are BF until 2 years.

Most of the cultures that go on later do this because they are poor and the children need the nutrition. They are not breastfeeding alongside trips to restaurants etc. It is of course up to you but I think it is odd and is unnecessary. Your dd is eating three meals a day.

For us it meant that when she came home from school she would nurse and transition peacefully to home life, much more peacefully than with her older sibling who was weaned before school age
It was never an issue with children or adults commenting, any more than anything else she did eg wearing my little pony pj's. She made friends back then that are still friends today and the fact she nursed u til school age doesn't come up. Those projecting adult feelings onto small children have their own issues that maybe they should address

I think it is unnecessary too. I also think the few comments calling your DH an arse are uncalled for. He has supported you breastfeeding her for 4 years and is one of her parents, surely he should have a say too? Someone above mentioned their child weaned naturally with some gentle encouragement. Could you do this as a compromise?

www.bmj.com/rapid-response/2011/10/28/humans-are-primates-designed-breastfeed-years-not-months

My 4 year old is still feeding occasionally - maybe twice a week now. It's been 100% her own decision to slow down but I have said we will stop before she turns 5 / starts primary school so September. She only wants it now when she's upset really. Youre doing what you feel is right for your child and DH is an idiot.

The dummy however desperately needs to go

It's often said that globally four is the average age to wean, but I have never found data to back this up. Another writer also looked at this and wrote this blog post debunking this often-touted figure:
http://breastfeedingwithoutbs.blogspot.com/2011/10/bullshitometer-no-average-age-of.html?m=1
I thought this was quite interesting! Look, at the end of the day I have no problem at all with extended breast feeding if that is what works for mother and child. I just don't like bad statistics!

I'm not going to read all the comments because IME they are usually full of annoying assumptions made by people with no direct experience.

I haven't been in the FB group mentioned - it's likely to be free of those comments, but I'd be cautious as IME hyper-specific parenting issue FB groups can end up with a weird competitiveness that is not always helpful.

I liked the book Breastfeeding Older Children by Ann Sinnott.

DS1 fed until he was 4y 3m, I didn't think he was close to weaning, but when it got near to the end, he would only latch for about 3 seconds and then stop, he was also only wanting it a couple of times a week.

I realised one day he was ill so I offered him BF and he said no, and then I thought oh, OK, he's weaned. He didn't ask again for 6 months and then suddenly did after seeing a friend BF her newborn. I didn't want to restart then so I said no, but did feel guilty about it and wondered if I should.

I will say I used to go to LLL meetings and even long after he'd stopped in the day (3ish) he used to climb onto my lap and want to be attached the whole meeting, seeing other children feeding. So I think it can be true that them seeing younger children feed can sort of remind them and make them want to do it. I have also had chance conversations with I think three other people who have mentioned to me that their older children continued to feed sometimes when there was a younger sibling, up to 5/6 years or so. I would not have known if I hadn't mentioned feeding until age 4 because people typically don't mention it. They weren't especially "hippy" types either.

For DS2 who was born 10 years later, I only fed him until age 2.5. I was pregnant and experiencing nursing aversion, as well as wanting to night wean before the baby came. I thought I'd feel guilty for cutting him off so much younger, but he was fine, I was fine and it was OK. I thought maybe he'd want to feed when DS3 arrived, but he didn't at all. DS3 is now 21mo and not ready to stop yet. DH is getting a bit antsy, but I kind of feel like I'm not going to push it unless there's a clear reason that it would be of benefit. That's how I'd have to frame it for me. I don't mind, and it's not hurting him, so in order for me to make a change, why would I unless there's a reason to? If it ain't broke don't fix it basically. I don't think it causes them any social problems, at school etc, because they just don't think anything of it to mention it to others. It's as normal to them as any other aspect of their bedtime routine. I read that children will naturally eventually self wean when they get their adult teeth, so no need to worry about them never stopping.

@gogohmm have you read the article that response relates to? It states that there could be adverse health impacts to extended breastfeeding

I'm tandem feeding mine of the same age and feel like society has really gone wrong that there's even a question about weaning because a four year old is too old and night be picked on at school.

Doesn't necessarily work like that. Mothers need to be well nourished themselves to absorb the impact of tandem feeding or breastfeeding through pregnancy. So traditionally, in many societies where food is scarce, children are forcibly weaned at about age 2.