Breastfeeding DD(4)

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

I have a DD(4) and DS(18 months). I have always wanted to breastfeed them until they wean naturally and always assumed this would be between 18 months and 2 years.

My DD is showing absolutely no desire to give up the boob and currently feeds first thing in the morning and again at some point in the evening, so only twice a day. I am more than happy with this as it obviously brings her comfort. However, DH has made it known to me that he thinks this is wrong and that I should be making her stop. He is very much of the opinion that she is too old and I should be putting boundaries in place. He has admitted he feels embarrassed about the situation and has asked for me to feed DD in private as he doesnt want to see it.

AIBU to insist on letting her feed until she is ready to wean naturally or should I make her stop? I am also worried that she'll get jealous if she sees DS still feeding. She is also still very attached to her dummy, something that also bothers DH. Any advice from anyone who has been through similar would be appreciated as it's a real bone of contention in our marriage at the moment. TIA

Formula can be made from cow's milk, though doesn't have to be. But it's not cow's milk. They're two quite different things. Still not immediately obvious how this is relevant either.

I fed all of my children for varying lengths of time. DS self-weaned when he was four and a half. He was in Reception at this point and one day he just decided to stop nursing.

But none of them ever had a dummy. I just didn't buy any.

I breast fed my youngest until he was nearly 3. He was showing no signs of wanting to stop. The reason I encouraged him stopping was because he obsessively raked his fingers through my hair while he fed (including through night feeds as we co-slept) and I was starting to lose significant amounts, especially around the top of my face 😳

He was also a dummy user right in to starting reception year, although it was only allowed at night or in the car. I explained to him that the shops no longer sold his preferred ‘binky’ and so there would be no more once his were all gone ie lost/broken. I started rounding them up smartish until there was one left on his pillow, then a couple of days later chucked that one out too. He couldn’t find one that night, and just accepted the situation without bother. It was much easier than the forced weaning when I’d had to go to bed with a hoody on!!

Tbh it sounds like he's already checking out of your marriage. If he said to you I want you to stop or I want a divorce would you stop? Because it sounds like he's already half way there.

@FangedFrisbee

Well if he's leaving anyway why does he get to say what she does with her body.

So no I wouldn't be blackmailed to stop or start anything about my body by the threat of leaving.

Cool cool she should know that he is divorcing her because she breast feeds then.

@darkbitturtle
Your DP works 3 jobs so you can stay home and BF a 4yr old??
I'm sorry but that's ridiculous and very selfish

Or maybe he leaving because of a 1000 other reasons but yes let's blame a mum meeting her childs needs

@TheShellBeach

"I fed all of my children for varying lengths of time. DS self-weaned when he was four and a half. He was in Reception at this point and one day he just decided to stop

But none of them ever had a dummy. I just didn't buy any"

no of course they had no need for a dummy. Your breasts were in their mouths for years. So of course they wouldn't need a dummy 😂

She likes a feed
What a child likes/needs are entirely separate things, I do wonder if most of these older BF children are not
weaned as the mothers like the reliance on them and really need to look at their reasons.
We don't allow children to make choices in most other areas and as parents we make the decisions as to what's best, do we let them chose a car seat they like? chose the chocolate they like?
No, we as adults make the right choices for them.

Sorry, what's your point? Have you ever breastfed? Do you know how often a baby/toddler/child feeds?

Incidentally, what do you think a dummy is modelled on? But a bit of plastic from China is more acceptable to you than a human breast doing what it was made for?

but yes let's blame a mum meeting her childs needs

The child gets no benefit from the milk - she can cuddle without breast feeding

Of course it has benefits. Immune boosting, antibodies, health and nutritional. They can be BF when vomiting / sickness bug as it's classed as a clear fluid.
It can calm them if they are having medical interventions.
It develops the jaw naturally and prevents overcrowded teeth and other modern dental issues.

As you’ve asked for opinions… 4 is too old in my opinion! You can still give comfort in the form of cuddles and story time. When they can remember it when they are older is when they are too old IMO. They might remember it “fondly” when they are 6/7 but I would have been totally mortified as a teenager to remember breastfeeding! Wouldn’t love it now either tbh (and have breasted both my DC so I am pro feeding in general).

as for all this nonsense about self-weaning happening age 4-7, I don’t know a single child who has carried on that long. Mine self-weaned at 9 months and 11 months ( I had planned to do a year with each and for full info I did night wean at 6-7 months). Friends of mine had kids who self-weaned at 9 months, 15 months, 18 months and 2 years. None older than that, so I’m not sure where all these random 4 year old feeders are!

OP as for your DH, I really don’t think an issue like this alone would break a marriage, so what else is going on with you two? Do you have difficulty communicating generally? Or do you often disagree on what is best for DC? Sounds like relationship counselling would be a good plan?

Well obviously. A dummy is a copycat of the nipple. Babies are supposed to get comfort from the nipple, the dummy is the next best thing.

If

And the thing is, what school age child is going to be upset by no longer being breastfed? They're old enough that you can sit down and talk to them!

The idea of self weaning makes sense for babies, why would a school age child need to self wean? Tell them no, let's do XYZ instead.

I think a lot of it is the parents wanting to continue- and ok, fine if thy at works. But no child misses out in any way or is emotionally damaged because their mother stopped feeding 'before they self weaned'

This is a bit silly. Breastmilk is a nutritious substance, so of course there's benefit. You can argue that it isn't a need whilst still acknowledging this.

I think it's a bit unfair that your DD gets a dummy, but DS isn't allowed one! Oh well - cold turkey is how we did it with our 2.5 year old, and it wasn't as bad as I thought...I think you just need to bite the bullet and do that, to help your daughter.

Umm, no it isn't. 2 years is the norm

@StormShadow
These older kids do not NEED breast milk for sustenance, it's for comfort at this age, which there is no need for, how do they comfort at school or nursery when their mother isn't there?

People get weirdly angry about a stranger’s child breastfeeding, don’t they? What makes feelings run so strongly among the “four is too old but I can’t articulate why” crowd? No one’s forcing a nipple in your mouth.

Which cultures

@HerMammy
Children gain comfort in different ways depending on the person and the situation.

Ie in school a hurt child normally gets a wet paper towel, schools rarely cuddle upset children.
At home families tend to cuddle upset children.

My children may sometimes want a cuddle, they may want a cold drink, a plaster, a chat, some quiet time, sometimes some pain relief etc and when they were younger if they hurt themselves they would likely want to nurse if I was there. If I wasn't there then dad or other family would comfort them in a different way. But if I was there and they hurt themselves I would comfort them not refuse

@Whatevercanbedone
Again, as you've listed lots of others ways to comfort, no need to whack a breast in a 4/5/6:7 yr olds mouth for comfort, do these mothers not want their kids to grow up? keep them reliant on mummy as long as possible?