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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being a CF here?

388 replies

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:08

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 30/05/2023 21:13

Ah I see the tall wardrobe question has been answered.

He needs to hang his trousers full length. Right

Just how tall is this man OP?

And how small is your wardrobe?

You can probably extricate yourself from this arrangement by refusing to have a taller wardrobe, thus enforcing knee creased trousers which will make him reconsider.

Danni73 · 30/05/2023 21:14

So many red flags. He only pays his dad £40 per week. You say you’ve not had a discussion about finances yet, I can tell you already that he’s not intending to pay you any more than he is currently paying his dad. He’s moved from his ex’s house to his dads house and he is now eyeing up your house as his latest (almost) free house to live in. Please, please don’t let him move in.

tara66 · 30/05/2023 21:16

Adding - you should make sure he signs a legal document saying he has and never will have any claim to your house, pension or any other assets.

Backtoblack1 · 30/05/2023 21:16

Mythril · 30/05/2023 19:16

Why do you need to move him in with your two young sons. You lose your benefits, complicate your kids' lives for what? Some loser who still lives with his dad and wants you to buy him new furniture? Can't you date him and leave it at that?

Absolutely this!

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 30/05/2023 21:21

He should be covering everything you are losing from tax credits - that is why you are losing them because he is expected to cover at least that much. And that does not include the increased costs. So he needs to front up with the full amount of your lost tax credits plus his fair contribution to bills, half the new council increased council tax, food etc And if he wants additional things such as furniture, that's all on him. To be honest though, if you have to say this to him, he is already trying it on, and not even in the door yet. Bad news.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 30/05/2023 21:21

I think the conversation you have with him regarding his contribution will be 'interesting'

CatherinedeBourgh · 30/05/2023 21:29

You should be no worse off, and even a little bit better off when he moves in than you were when he wasn't.

He has to pay for any expenses incurred due to him being there (including furniture he wants!), and make up for any benefits you lose, as well as 50% of the bills etc.

Blip · 30/05/2023 21:31

My guess is that as a contribution towards ALL bills he will give you £40 per week,just like he gives his parents.

After a while this will really grate, eventually you will kick him out and then he will make a claim on your house so you will need to sell it to settle his claim.

Sorry OP, this sounds like a disaster.

SchnitzelvonKrummWithAVeryLowTum · 30/05/2023 21:34

🚨ALERT! Cocklodger incoming! 🚨

GoodChat · 30/05/2023 21:34

He has to wear suits for work and likes to hang his trousers full length so he doesn't get knee creases in them.

He could just hang them on trouser hangers like every other man ever.

Or if he must hang them full length just hang them on a door, surely?

Moveoverdarlin · 30/05/2023 21:35

Sounds like he’s been freeloading his whole life. What self respecting grown man pays his Dad 40 quid a week? That’s buttons.

Unless he’s morbidly obese and over 6 foot five, he just doesn’t need all those bigger things. My DH is six foot six, and yes we have a big bed now, but we managed for years in a bog standard double.

stayathomer · 30/05/2023 21:40

You’re together a very short amount of time to be moving in together considering you have kids that will be sliding him into a dad role. Also if you’re already feeling uncomfortable about him making changes to your current existence then maybe you don’t really want any of it to change. I don’t know l, if you love him, he’s the one, you can see yourselves together forever etc etc then …

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 21:40

You can probably extricate yourself from this arrangement by refusing to have a taller wardrobe, thus enforcing knee creased trousers which will make him reconsider. 😂😂

I'm sorry, but how can you even bring yourself to have sex with a man who makes such ridiculous demands for his sodding trousers? What a complete tool.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/05/2023 21:40

OP, you haven't had the conversation you need to about finances BUT you've had the conversation and have agreed that he will move in? You're not thinking of your boys, that's for sure.

You've painted a fluffy picture of how you imagine family life will be but, he has a basic job, basic wage and a child to support. You are going to lose benefits because you've moving him in. How is he to pay for these extra things?

He's been paying £200 per month (or thereabouts) to his father;
Child maintenance for his daughter

and now he will have to pay for:
Your missing benefits;
50% of household bills
Food
£200 assumed the same as he's paying his father currently.

And you have no idea if he can pay for it. You seem to want to move him in as if that's a priority. I can tell you that once he's in it's going to be very hard to get him out again. I don't know what your rush is but it is nothing to do with your boys, this is about you and your wants. If you truly were looking out for your boys, you'd know exactly what the financial situation would be before you even thought of moving him in.

So many women on this site value men before their own kids. Don't be one of them, take it seriously that you have quite a lot of gaps in your knowledge about this man and stop joking about bedroom furniture, ffs.

CuriousMama · 30/05/2023 21:40

I was coming in to say he's a cocklodger of the utmost degree!! Run run as fast as you can!!

Hobnob22 · 30/05/2023 21:44
  1. Of course he should pay for new furniture.
But
  1. Don't let him move in.
Ellie450 · 30/05/2023 21:45

He works a “basic job” in retail but needs to wear suits to work?

@Thatleadsingersbiggestfan I hope you realize that the “kind and generous” act and the treating you and your kids will end as soon as he’s moved in.

Unicorn2022 · 30/05/2023 21:51

He doesn't sound "mostly generous" when you say in your OP that "I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half."

OP please do not move this man in to your home yet. Let him find a flat and live on his own for a while and you can still date him but without any of the inevitable drudgery and cocklodging. He has sponged off others all his life so he won't know the value of money or running his own place. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Riverlee · 30/05/2023 21:53

Haven’t read whole thread, but my son is six foot five and sleeps on a standard bed and has a standard wardrobe.

Regarding the cost of the wardrobe, at least should be 50:50. I

MammaTo · 30/05/2023 21:57

suburbophobe · 30/05/2023 19:38

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.

Jesus! You're moving a guy into your house but "still need to have that chat"?!

You're going about it back to front.

Of course he's keen to move in as his dad is throwing him out basically.

I wouldn't want an adult guy moving in who still lives at home.

And what about your kids? Primary aged. Your decision to move this guy in will make a HUGE change to their life. They might love him (he doesn't live there) but they cannot oversee the impact this will have on their life.

I'm a solo mum by the way and there is no way in hell I'd ever let a man move in here. My house is our safe space.

Also, what about his daughter if she has a falling out with her mum - teenagers and all that - who then wants to come and live in your house too.

You'll just end up the skivvy. In my life I saw fuck to all that.

Whatever you do, get your house 100% ringfenced. You owe to to yourself and your children.

All of this!

I can’t believe you’re just expecting him to help with bills when he only pays his dad £40 p/week, he already sounds like a CF so I’d have that conversation ASAP!!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/05/2023 21:57

AMuser · 30/05/2023 19:47

It’s a cocklodger @Thatleadsingersbiggestfan A man who doesn’t support himself financially and leeches off his previous partner, his father (even though he’s an able bodied adult) and then tries to get his feet under the table with his current partner.

Does this ring ANY bells with you at all???

or do you still want to answer only questions about the bed.

You do realise that he’s currently “mostly” generous because his father is subsiding him, right?

Show quote history

Essentially it's his dad treating you!! 🤣

WisherWood · 30/05/2023 21:58

WelshNerd · 30/05/2023 20:49

*DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree.

Hard pass.

This. And he's not being subsidised to a degree. He's being almost completely subsidised. These days, I doubt that covers the electricity he gets through.

GwinCoch · 30/05/2023 22:01

You’d better not be online together looking at bedroom furniture OP!

Littledogball · 30/05/2023 22:03

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:13

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.
It's the wardrobe and stuff that has got me a bit mardy!

Your indication that he won't pay his share of the bills is that he won't pay for the wardrobe!!!! Give your head a wobble!

TeaKitten · 30/05/2023 22:04

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 20:39

This has made my day, hilarious 😆😆😆.
Nearly choked on my cuppa tea 😆.
He's here now unexpectedly and in the loo so apologies if I go quiet.
He has to wear suits for work and likes to hang his trousers full length so he doesn't get knee creases in them.
I didn't know that's a thing either 😆.

I'm definitely taking note MNers.
I did ask for opinions and was prepared.

Hopefully he's not dropped by to ask if I can raise my door frames, but if he does then I promise you all that I'll tell him where to go 😆😆.

Show quote history

He has to wear suits for work and likes to hang his trousers full length so he doesn't get knee creases in them.

How tall is this man?? Do you own a children’s size wardrobe??