Who's being a CF here?

[Thatleadsingersbiggestfan]

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

Tell him he can get a Corby trouser press at some Travel Lodges.

"He spends on me when he is able and when he has money" Translation, he spends money when it looks generous but (going by the fact that he's living with his DF in his 40s) isn't actually good with planning to a budget. The fact he's already mentally spending your money on new furniture for himself, when you're doing him the favour of moving into your house, says a lot. He doesn't like spending money on boring things like a roof over his head, or a bed he fits in, but he likes the acknowledgment that he paid for a meal out etc.

You really do not want to have this man moving into your house. You need to have a blunt conversation about finances before that happens, but going by your responses, I'm guessing you're reticent to do so.

That’s brilliant.

yeah, I bet your already losing out financially to end up subsidising him as well. Nope. If he’s been paying is dad £40 he should have tons of savings, if he doesn’t, he’s a deadbeat.

When my dd's very very tall bf moved in they went to IKEA. Spent 1k and paid 500 each....
Why would you pay for a wardrobe you would need a ladder to reach op?

Agreed (in case you get deleted again)

Yet another post where I ask myself why the OP is so lacking in self-respect, so desperate for a live-in partner, that she'll actually pay someone and risk her and her children's future to get him.

So depressing.

OP, you are so, so woefully unprepared for this. He saw you coming, and you're blind. This man will take from you and your children financially, emotionally, practically. Given he's on a basic wage, has a daughter himself who would have first dibs on whatever money and time he does have, and seemingly lacks any self-respect himself, there's no amount of goodwill he can have to make up for all that. Even if he's saintly in all his intentions, they will count for nothing in 10 years' time when the courts decide that he's entitled to a share of your home after a decade of you doing the bulk of the house work, you pulling in the lion's share of the household income, having his daughter bunk up with your sons, and a level of resentment you will hate yourself with. It's how these things ALWAYS go. This is so, so imbalanced.

Ask yourself this: are you 100% sure that if anything were to happen to you and, say, you ended up disabled to the extent of being unable to work, he would be there to look after you and your home and help you look after your boys till your dying day? If you're only 99% sure, don't make the huge sacrifices you're about to make.

@Thatleadsingersbiggestfan

My heart just sank when I read your OP, and nothing in your subsequent posts changed that.. there's another thread running at the moment where the OP there has let her boyfriend move into her place. Perhaps you might find it interesting. Check out "Guest every other weekend" in AIBU. 🌹

Bet he's not "generous" enough to actually pay his way when it comes to paying the equivalent of market rent plus bills.

Yes, this is what I was going to post. Please, please, if you do let him move in (don't) then at least get a proper legal arrangement in place so he has no claim on your home in future.

Because when if comes to an end and he can show evidence of financial contributions towards the home (including things like buying materials and doing DIY that adds value to the property) he may be eligible to make a ‘beneficial interest’ claim. And then you're in for a legal fight.

He should live by himself first (but if he turns up for tea every day) kick him out.

This is solid advice.

Of course you have an indication, its this!

Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?

you tell him you're happy with the bedroom furniture and if he wants to change the bed and the wardrobe, thats fine - but he will need to be splashing the cash on it. You've splashed the cash on the furniture that is installed and only recently so its no an expenditure you want or need

He has to make up your lost benefits etc, half council tax and utilities groceries and toiletries etc. Otherwise its costing you money for him to move in.
Big purchases such as furniture need to be agreed between you. He “needs” the longer bed so he has to pay for it. The wardrobe isn't a need as he can manage with a standard wardrobe like a lot of other people.

Please read the advice you are being given by people with vasts amounts of experience and do NOT allow this cock lodger to move in*

Protect your children and yourself.
Do not do this.once he has his feet under your table you are financially done for.
Say no right now.

You need to find a happy medium as I moved in with a partner and she took all my wages even though it was council housing she never worked and basically lied to dwp about having mental health issues and she still is to this day

I also need the answer to this question!

This exactly sums it up.

Omg op, I’m sorry but this is so funny. I was wondering if he needed a taller wardrobe to hang his full length maxi dresses in! His trousers alone (even full length) cannot require a taller wardrobe unless he’s over 3m tall!

This

Don't be foolish.
Use your head not your heart.
If you are set on moving him in (mistake imo but 🤷) then you must have a very detailed conversation about finances that ends in a firm commitment from him to pay his way fairly.

And make sure you aren't going to lose money by having him move in!

I honestly don't understand why he thinks you should pay the majority (and he should merely "chip in" for a taller wardrobe so he can move in with you. Your wardrobe works for you. On what planet is it fair for you to pay the majority of cost for replacing it with another one so that it works for him? I'm really trying to understand his mindset here.

The issue of you losing your single person benefits when he moves in, is something I can imagine he doesn't really know about, because he's never lived alone with his child. You have to detail for him what those costs are. That is money YOU LOSE if he moves in. if he moves in, you are WORSE OFF by that amount of money. I don't know a plainer way to explain it. I suspect he is comparing his subsidized arrangement with his father, to what his arrangement would be if he lived with you. And maybe he's thinking, "well hey, when I lived with my dad, I only paid 40 per month, and if I live here, I'll have to pay at least 200 just in food and other expenses. So I am ALSO losing money by moving in with you, so why on earth would I compensate you for moving in with you? We're both losing money by living together, so we should each just absorb our own costs!"

But here's the thing. The correct comparison to him living with you is NOT him living with his father. You are not his father or his mother, or his parent in any way. You have no obligation to subsidize him. The correct comparison is him living on his own in his own place that he rents with his own money.

And has he has found out (by being unable to find a place in the last few weeks, even though he's been looking), renting your own place on your own and supporting yourself, costs a LOT of money.

If, on the open market, his rent in a place comparable to yours, would be, say, 1200 per month, plus whatever he'd pay for bills and council tax, then that's the correct comparator. Him paying to compensate you for the money you'd lose by moving him in, plus half the bills and food and council tax, plus maybe a small amount of nominal rent (to ensure he doesn't start arguing he is part entitled to your property) would be ... VERY GENEROUS ON YOUR PART.

Sorry, but he's taking the piss. He wants a new bed and wardrobe, then he buys it.

But he's already lived with one woman who had her own house and now you.. sorry that's a pattern, run for the hills!

Not read all PPs but you should be aware that if he lives with you as a partner in your house for 2 years he has the right to make a claim against it if you split up - same if you pass away. Do you have a Will?

Well it does sound like a new bed is needed but you seriously need to discuss how finances will work as soon as possible.