Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being a CF here?

388 replies

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:08

Ok so help solve this for me please.
DP will be moving in with me & my 2 primary aged DS's later part of this year, date to be confirmed. DP is lovely and both DS's love him.
He has one DD, teens who lives with ex.

Been together 18 months. DP is generally generous. Basic job basic pay, retail.
DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree. Dad selling up and moving in with GF soon.
DP has no property, his ex had own house before they met.
I have my own home, mortgaged currently (pretty low payments at this stage) but will be paid off within 5 years or less.

This is also a WWYD.
DP keeps looking at house stuff, ornaments, knick knacks, and furniture etc, yes it's nice he's looking ahead.
Here's the but.
My bedroom furniture will need to be changed, mine is virtually new and I'm happy with it, but DP is tall so he wants to upgrade to a bigger and longer bed (I'm petite) and he also wants a taller wardrobe etc. Fair enough.
He's assuming that I'm going to pay for these?? Or he'll 'chip in' I think where his words when we spoke about it after Xmas. Like it's a favour 🤑.
For context I have a tiny bit of rainy day savings, which I've already eaten into. Struggling like everyone else right now.
I have a low wage p/t job, no means to increase and no support with DSs, no family nearby etc, I get CTC and WFTC, both of which I'll lose once he's moved in.
Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?
I don't feel happy effectively paying for him to move in with me, saving himself maybe 1200pm + in rent and bills he'd have paid once his DF moves away.
Would you expect your shortfall covered at the very least?
Context again, I pay what I can, proportional to my earnings when we go out as a couple, often more than I can afford, but usually less than half.
I don't want to make money from him, but I also don't want to be using any of my own, which I class as for my 2 boys only, to essentially subsidise him moving into my large property cheaply (is-that-even-a-word)
Opinions please MNers!

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2023 20:35

Wait a minute, this gets worse and worse. A man whose rent is 40 quid a week spends on you “when he has the money”? When does he not have money and why? He has a job and pays hardly any rent. Where is his money going? This adds another string of red flags to the collection.

2bazookas · 30/05/2023 20:35

Tell him it's your bedroom furniture, it suits your needs and you have no intention of changing it. It's not negotiable.

He has two choices; accept it or live elsewhere.

Coralsunset · 30/05/2023 20:37

Oh God! Does he work for his own business that’s really a 12 hour a week hobby? Otherwise why would he only be paying £40 a week and where’s all his disposable income going?

billy1966 · 30/05/2023 20:38

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 20:26

Wise words @billy1966. OP is still behind the wardrobe. But you can probably see her head poking over the top of it given it's so teeny.

Women like the OP are sitting ducks for men like this.

🙄

So sad.

Dim beyond words because they are so ready to fall for a "loving generous man"......that is desperate for housing.🙄

Give me strength.

And their poor children always paying the ultimate price for their spectacular naivety.
🙄

Funny how these soon to be homeless guys always find a dim woman with a house.

Nothing sadder than a desperate woman who will risk her children's home and security for some waster that has targeted her and her home.

So sad🤷🏻‍♀️

Vermin · 30/05/2023 20:39

There was a guy on dragon’s den flogging pop up bed extenders for tall people. They did not get the investment and Peter jones savaged him but I reckon it’s just what you need here
(for occasional overnights, do not ffs move him in)

Original poster
Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 20:39

BMW6 · 30/05/2023 20:26

The very thing I was wanting to ask!

Taller wardrobe because he is tall? Don't be so bloody ridiculous 🙄

Apart from that DONT MOVE THE COCKLODGER IN

Show quote history

This has made my day, hilarious 😆😆😆.
Nearly choked on my cuppa tea 😆.
He's here now unexpectedly and in the loo so apologies if I go quiet.
He has to wear suits for work and likes to hang his trousers full length so he doesn't get knee creases in them.
I didn't know that's a thing either 😆.

I'm definitely taking note MNers.
I did ask for opinions and was prepared.

Hopefully he's not dropped by to ask if I can raise my door frames, but if he does then I promise you all that I'll tell him where to go 😆😆.

OP posts:
Coralsunset · 30/05/2023 20:41

While he’s there, ask him how much he expects to pay once he moves in. Then report back.

Thanks 😍

Whammyyammy · 30/05/2023 20:41

He sounds like a cocklodger

ChristinaXYZ · 30/05/2023 20:42

Rhondaa · 30/05/2023 19:14

Absolutely do not allow him to move in until you have a solid agreement regarding finances. It's the most basic thing to iron out.

As an aside I had no idea folk bought beds and wardrobes to suit height, I thought they were all pretty standard 🤔

Heck yes, Beds can be a nightmare for the very tall!

OP I think your guy might be ok and may just not realise what he is asking of you (some people are surprisingly dim but does not mean he is exploiting you). But I do agree that you need legal advice and that you ought not to be available as bed for him to go to when his DF moves. You should insist on a bit of time between where he rents his own place. He has always been with others it seems his previous partner's house, his DF's house, etc. Can this guy stand on his own two feet? You need to know. When he gets his own place he will either take his furniture from home or buy some new. When he moves in with you after 6-12 months on his own he can bring that.

Hollyppp · 30/05/2023 20:43

Missingmyusername · 30/05/2023 19:11

“Should I be telling him he's got to buy the bedroom furniture himself?”

Erm Yes. He is a cf.

Whilst at it get to a solicitor and protect your house!

This!!!

do not contribute to new furniture

billy1966 · 30/05/2023 20:45

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 20:39

This has made my day, hilarious 😆😆😆.
Nearly choked on my cuppa tea 😆.
He's here now unexpectedly and in the loo so apologies if I go quiet.
He has to wear suits for work and likes to hang his trousers full length so he doesn't get knee creases in them.
I didn't know that's a thing either 😆.

I'm definitely taking note MNers.
I did ask for opinions and was prepared.

Hopefully he's not dropped by to ask if I can raise my door frames, but if he does then I promise you all that I'll tell him where to go 😆😆.

Show quote history

🙄

I doubt you will remain as jovial long term, and I can guarantee your poor children won't....but good luck.

Goodadvice1980 · 30/05/2023 20:45

He’s a future cocklodger.

You must have shite self esteem to put up with this freeloader.

Put yourself and your DC’s future first. Your DP needs to rent or buy his own place.

AMuser · 30/05/2023 20:46

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 20:39

This has made my day, hilarious 😆😆😆.
Nearly choked on my cuppa tea 😆.
He's here now unexpectedly and in the loo so apologies if I go quiet.
He has to wear suits for work and likes to hang his trousers full length so he doesn't get knee creases in them.
I didn't know that's a thing either 😆.

I'm definitely taking note MNers.
I did ask for opinions and was prepared.

Hopefully he's not dropped by to ask if I can raise my door frames, but if he does then I promise you all that I'll tell him where to go 😆😆.

Show quote history

Please take notes on the important stuff.

Not the stuff about furniture.

Floofydawg · 30/05/2023 20:48

He has to wear suits for work and likes to hang his trousers full length so he doesn't get knee creases in them.

Errr what?! This alone makes him sound like an arsehole.

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 20:49

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 19:13

Oh I've no indication btw that he won't want to pay fairly, re bills etc. We are yet to have that chat. As I said, he's generous mostly.
It's the wardrobe and stuff that has got me a bit mardy!

FGS! Why are you 'yet' to have the chat?

You should have had it before starting discussing furniture!

You will lose shedloads in benefits - is he going to replace those plus pay for himself and his dc when they stay over?

Stop it right now!

3luckystars · 30/05/2023 20:49

Make him move out by himself for at least a year first. Please do this.

This needs to be a decision made after you have proof that he can afford to pay his way and stand on his own two feet. You need to know this information before you even dream of letting him move into your family home.

WelshNerd · 30/05/2023 20:49

*DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree.

Hard pass.

Tesal · 30/05/2023 20:49

I hope you find this situation as hilarious in the future as you appear to be finding it at the moment judging by all the 😆in your posts. @billy1966 has stated everything that needs to be said - even if some of it was deleted.

Uurrjb · 30/05/2023 20:50

Good luck to you, I’d steer well clear

hes generous…with what?

BMW6 · 30/05/2023 20:51

He has to wear suits for work and likes to hang his trousers full length so he doesn't get knee creases in them.
I didn't know that's a thing either 😆.

That's not a thing unless his trousers are over 5 feet long.

Which I'm pretty certain they aren't.

IhearyouClemFandango · 30/05/2023 20:51

Tell him you are more than happy for him to get bigger stuff if he likes. The fact he seems to think he should just be 'chipping in' would have me side eyeing him, as my daughter would say.

He should be contributing fully so you don't lose out.

18 months seems v quick to move in with kids.

AMuser · 30/05/2023 20:52

WelshNerd · 30/05/2023 20:49

*DP currently living with his dad in his childhood room, only paying £40pw so basically being subsidised to a degree.

Hard pass.

Wouldn’t you just be MORTIFIED to be doing that. Utterly.

pontipinemum · 30/05/2023 20:52

Knee creases! I've heard it all.

If you do go ahead with him moving in make sure you have a very serious conversation about how much you NEED from him weekly. You said you will lose some benefit. He needs to make up that short fall

chezpopbang · 30/05/2023 20:53

Protect the house because if he lives with you he will have a claim from when he moves in. He needs to definitely make up any money you lost but also pay a portion of the bills because they will go up with another adult. I'd also be wanting him to pay some share of rent. Why should he end up with extra money and as you say save himself £1200 when you need to cover all the bills etc. decide who buys the food and how it is split. You need to have a seriously frank discussion. Also do not buy any new furniture that he wants if you do not want it. If anything ends he will want to take it and you will be left with nothing in your house and sold perfectly good items for a fraction of the actual cost.

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 20:53

Thatleadsingersbiggestfan · 30/05/2023 20:39

This has made my day, hilarious 😆😆😆.
Nearly choked on my cuppa tea 😆.
He's here now unexpectedly and in the loo so apologies if I go quiet.
He has to wear suits for work and likes to hang his trousers full length so he doesn't get knee creases in them.
I didn't know that's a thing either 😆.

I'm definitely taking note MNers.
I did ask for opinions and was prepared.

Hopefully he's not dropped by to ask if I can raise my door frames, but if he does then I promise you all that I'll tell him where to go 😆😆.

Show quote history

That's the most bloody ridiculous thing I've ever heard. He can just buy decent wooden hangers for his trousers

But please take everyone's posts seriously.

You're about to make a big mistake. Big. Huge