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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this manager is being unfair?

184 replies

quiettimes · 30/05/2023 14:16

I got pulled into an “informal meeting” today with a male manager because apparently my dress is too short and he will be monitoring my attire going forward. What I’m wearing isn’t against the dress code guidance (which is just “smart casual”. This dress covers my knees and is not a fitted style so it isn’t riding up. I have worn it to work many times before and no issues were raised previously.

aibu to be annoyed about being spoken to about this? Other people not only wear dresses the same length as me, but shorter things. Some are literally wearing things directly against the dress standards such as jeans, trainers, t shirts and hoodies today. They aren’t being spoken to. I feel like it’s personal and nitpicking to raise this. Particularly as it’s also 20 degrees outside and the heating is ON inside, so everyone at work is profusely sweating working through headache inducing heat.

OP posts:
iklboo · 30/05/2023 15:28

Another one agreeing this is an issue for HR. 'Monitoring what you're wearing'? Who does he think he is?

rebeccachoc · 30/05/2023 15:29

Keep a secret record of what others are wearing against the rules. CYA in any way you can, they have obviously singled you out for some reason.

CindersAgain · 30/05/2023 15:31

Can you speak to your own manager, ideally while wearing the dress? Or is his manager approachable?

Berklilly · 30/05/2023 15:33

I would go straight to HR, and agree with PP about putting his comments in writing. Ask him to clarify his position with regards to which breach of company policy he is claiming you've breached.

GoodChat · 30/05/2023 15:34

Do you have in in-house HR department? If you do, I'd pay them a visit now in the outfit you're wearing.

UndercoverCop · 30/05/2023 15:35

What does the dress look like? I had to have a chat with a new admin member of staff because she was wearing short skirts and crop tops (not together) , we work with sex offenders and it's really not appropriate.
You need to focus on the dress code and your outfit more than comparing yourself to his girlfriend. Contact HR for clarity around dress code, send a picture of the dress challenged.

CorneyFlower · 30/05/2023 15:36

Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

Absolutely this.

DrHousecuredme · 30/05/2023 15:39

I would email him notes of the meeting to ask if he can clarify the rules on dress length and to say that you've noticed shorter skirts/dresses so what will the action plan for the whole office be please?
Then copy in his boss and HR.
Perfectly polite but push him to refer specifically to policy and go by the book.
Otherwise, this could be classed as bullying and harassment.

FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2023 15:41

Also - given that he is senior to you, called you for a private meeting, told you off for wearing clothes you’re allowed to wear, and told you he’ll be monitoring what you wear (i.e. looking specifically at what you’re wearing), this falls into the scope of bullying.

FatCatBum · 30/05/2023 15:41

Speak to HR, as an HR Director I would be telling him to stop

FatCatBum · 30/05/2023 15:44

Tinkerbyebye · 30/05/2023 14:59

I would go straight to HR and make a formal complaint. If he has only picked on you, and not told others, and others are blatantly not adhering he is picking on you. I would mention that, and his relationship with your colleague and ask to be line managed by someone else

Don't do this, going nuclear over something this petty is never a good idea. A quick word with HR about the policy and a heads up on what happened would usually suffice

smooththecat · 30/05/2023 15:52

Assuming that this is indeed an appropriate work dress, this is serious and an HR issue. Forward all evidence to your personal email address. Make sure everything manager says is documented from now on, any meeting needs to be recorded or a witness present etc.

Write to manager and ask for written confirmation of what was asked of you in the 'informal' meeting. Just be direct and clear. V. important to get this down. Most importantly, leave any mention of manager's girlfriend etc. out of it, it's not relevant if anything does escalate.

smooththecat · 30/05/2023 15:54

But yes, I wouldn't go straight to HR. I would make sure everything is in writing though, in case you need it. It will also let him know that you're on to him and he might modify his behaviour.

Littleroseseverywhere · 30/05/2023 15:55

Can you put a pic of the dress and you in it, just blur out your head.

BarbaraofSeville · 30/05/2023 15:56

because apparently my dress is too short and he will be monitoring my attire going forward

Euw, creepy.

Knowing you're in the right, you could email HR and ask for the the dress code policy to be recirculated, as you're unsure as to what you can wear during the summer months.

So you and he will see that your over the knee dress is fine, and his GFs line manager, along with everyone else, will also be reminded that her crop top is not.

Summerfun2023 · 30/05/2023 15:56

I would have said he fancied you but if he is dating one of the girls in the office then there's your answer they are bullying you.

thecatsthecats · 30/05/2023 15:56

FatCatBum · 30/05/2023 15:44

Don't do this, going nuclear over something this petty is never a good idea. A quick word with HR about the policy and a heads up on what happened would usually suffice

Show quote history

Agree with this, this makes it too much of a "you vs them" issue.

Mind you, if HR then invited me to a meeting including him, I would probably say something like, "I guess I'm confused, because some staff wear crop tops that show stomach etc. I thought that knee length would be fine in that context. Or have other staff also been pulled up on this?"

And watch the fucker squirm.

SamW98 · 30/05/2023 15:58

Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

Totally agree with this. I’d also cc in HR as an FYI

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 30/05/2023 15:59

Email him and cc your line manager and HR:

Mark,

Following up with some brief notes to recap today's meeting, which you'd requested with me. You advised that you wished to discuss my "inappropriate" clothing, and also explained that you now intend to "monitor my attire".

I'd be grateful if you could clarify:

  • which elements of the dress code I have breached
  • whether this new approach to monitoring clothing will be consistently applied to all staff in the office

Regards,
OP

Polari · 30/05/2023 16:01

Well you can’t say it but just think to yourself - how ever short my dress is it will always be longer than your dick!

Hillarious · 30/05/2023 16:04

Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

Another agreeing to this. This is the best way to put in writing something that has been discussed verbally. I have colleagues who are very good at "having a word", to avoid there being a permanent record of a discussion. Don't focus on the girlfriend. Just deal with your own situation, which seems to be perfectly in order.

LakeTiticaca · 30/05/2023 16:04

I would request a formal meeting with a more senior manager, with a note taker, and with the man who spoke to you, present. I would be asking for the official dress policy, length of skirts etc and would be citing bullying and potential sexual harassment, in regards to his statement that he will be "monitoring your skirt length" oh and union rep present if you have one

karaDanvers · 30/05/2023 16:07

As others have said this is a matter for HR. Document when the meeting was and take it up with them. It's 2023 ffs.

Pipsquiggle · 30/05/2023 16:08

You need to get this down in an email, a 'just to clarify' message and 'please could you send me the latest dress policy as I am unclear where I was deviating from it' - if he is switched on he probably won't reply to it but at least you have it in writing that you were trying to comply. If he does, ask if he is having similar chats with 'Claire and Emma'

Could you talk to his boss?

This sort of thing happened in a work place a long time ago. Our manager was an absolute bitch, the kind of woman who tries to sabotage other women for her own advancement. Myself and other women reported into her. 'Jo' was one of them - stunning, beautiful, excellent at her job and also always immaculately turned out.

Jo got feedback from bitch boss that what she was wearing was 'unsuitable' for work and this feedback came from higher management.

Jo was quite rightly pissed off and asked for 5 mins with our director and asked him directly what he didn't like about her attire. The director said that Jo was fine and he didn't care about how his team dressed. Bitch boss got a bollocking and was told that she should own her own feedback and not pass it off as 'higher management' as she was lying.

It was one of those small victories

Hankunamatata · 30/05/2023 16:11

Need to see picture op

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