MIL wants to see her son without her grandson & me

[Grxcegrxxn]

For a bit of context, myself & my partner have been together 4 years, we had our son 18 months ago. Partners mother has only seen our son twice. We have encouraged her to schedule a day to come & see us or we can travel to her, but she either cancels plans or just doesn’t show up. She missed our sons first birthday, didn’t see him over the Christmas break, even though she lives a few streets away. FIL sees our son regularly but always comes to ours alone without MIL. We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now but recently she has started getting FIL to communicate for her instead of just reaching out herself. FIL invited us to a bbq at their house, we agreed we’d go, then the day of FIL messages & says ‘mom recons it’s best to leave it, I think you and her need to chat face to face privately’. When my partner asked what about (assuming she was upset about something & wanted to talk it out) he responded ‘it’s nothing bad your mom just wants mom and son time with you away from everyone els’. Insinuating she wants to be alone with him away from myself & our son. Usually I wouldn’t be bothered if it was directed at me, BUT I don’t understand why she wants to be away from her grandson as well? Am I taking this too personal? :/

' no contact' is utterly pointless when the other party has already done the same to you !

NC is the appropriate behaviour when someone's behaviour towards you is detrimental to your wellbeing.

MIL has decided to NC her son and his family . For a reason you don't appear to know - although I suspect you do and 'chasing' MIL to wring it from her own lips is not necessary as you already know the answer.
You both now deciding NC is the best way forward is fine if you accept that she doesn't approve of your decision to have a child very young. (You can't un-birth him) .

However - to say 'we have decided to 'go NC' with someone who has been NC with you for over ten months.. sounds rather immature and petulant.

I say again (a point I have made 5 times on this thread but as yet is unaddressed or acknowledged by OP) I believe your DP and possibly you - are only to well aware what the problem is. If it were a genuine mystery then any sane person with a hitherto normal interaction with their parents .. would of gone round and sorted it out in the first month .

He knows what it is. Pretty sure you do too. There is no mystery . She got on with you fine as a gf. Why not ? Young 20 something gets a gf .. all lovely. Make her welcome etc.. New GF is pregnant. That's a game changer for a young 20 something.. I certainly wouldn't want it for my DDs or DS and would be extremely unimpressed by their lack of care for their own fertility.. the only difference being that I would take the attitude that whilst not ideal - it's done and to crack on with what life has dealt and remember that a baby is a blessing .
Sounds like MIL can't quite see it like that yet .. maybe ever ..

Thank god someone else realises MIL has gone NC with them and at no point has asked her DS to pop round his own. I'm amazed at how many people jumped on the band wagon.

I agree with almost everything you have said, except maybe the reason why she went NC. We have no way of knowing the reason but given the way OP has twisted comments out of shape I can imagine she is not easy going irl.

@JadedTeal the way OP has twisted comments out of shape I can imagine she is not easy going irl.

I'm not sure what thread you've been reading, because the OP on this thread has not twisted ANY comments, indeed and in fact, they're the ones who had their comments twisted, and often by those two lazy to read past the title, let alone read past her first OP to read all her responses.

Also the fact that the MIL rejected her own son while he was growing up and spent no time with him, not even Christmases, shows it has absolutely nothing to do with the OP.

rejected her own son while he was growing up and spent no time with him, not even Christmases
Admitted by OP that she was working. Turning that into abandonment looks like OP's work, or at least something she willingly concocted alongside her DP.

Let's be honest, if you were MIL raising children by working all the hours from a young age, and then had your ungrateful DS parroting that you abandoned him because you had to work Christmases, do you not think you might get upset? And if the girlfriend was the one feeding this narrative, you wouldn't put in a bit of distance?

" those two lazy to read past the title" - but even the post title has been twisted. FIL said this not MIL, she doesn't want to see any of them.

As said, she was not a mother to her son and spent no time with him. Please read the comments. The son is not being 'ungrateful' for being upset at being neglected. Choosing to work every single Christmas day is a form of neglect if she didn't have to. Even apart from Christmas, she spent no time with her son. The mother should be grateful her neglected children give her the time of day, when she won't see her children and wished she didn't have them.

OP didn't twist it. She (and her partner) was TOLD she wanted to see her son only. That is what she was told!!!!

Ah come on now. Anyone reading that title will assume MIL has said this. If they don't then they will when they read...

Dp went over soon as she said she wanted to talk to him

How can she go 10 months without seeing her grandson then ask her son to NOT bring him with when visiting?

she’s asked for mum & son time

He accepted her offer for mom & son time

stay to see her son for the time SHE requested.

soon as we stopped forcing it she reaches out asking dp to see her.

MIL is allowed to call the shots & tell DS not to bring his partner

But the reality is OP knows MIL has gone no contact and did not ask FIL to pass on msgs, as she also said - "Just cause MIL doesn’t want a relationship with her son"

OP is upset and angry that her MIL has gone NC with them, maybe with good reason, who knows, but she needs to deal with what is actually happening and stop mincing FIL's words. Facts matter!

And then when DP has attempted to see his DM she has disappeared off out despite the time/day having been arranged.

The suggested meet ups may have been FIL's attempts to bring the family back together. As soon as MIL hears about them the attempts are quashed.

I havent seen anything to suggest OP/her DP have any idea what the issue is.

I still think this is something to do with DM's self image as a 'young mum'. I have known people cling onto this image long after time has made it a lie. It becomes key to their identity. Being a 'young GM' is not an identity she feels able to step into.

Before OP had their DS MIL was able to pass off the relationship between OP & DP as a teenage bf/gf thing. Now they have a family that doesnt work anymore.

Again, OP was told this. So she, and her partner, believed it. There is nothing in OP's posts that suggest MIL went NC and OP knew it. Nothing at all. I repeat, OP and her partner was told that MIL wanted to see son on his own. So they believed it. Because that is what they were TOLD.

If my FIL told DH that MIL wanted to see him we would assume that MIL wanted to see him. Normal people assume that those types of messages are genuine.

Exactly.

The MIL is early 40s and her son is early 20s

trapped him by having a child? Where on this thread have I said DP feels Iv ‘trapped him’? & yes it is chasing her, we’d be dancing to her tune, doing exactly what she wants when she can’t be arsed to drop her son a text, it’s mind games. Why should we have to keep going to her to just be turned away, it’s a waste of time.

"There is nothing in OP's posts that suggest MIL went NC and OP knew it" Really?

OP tells us numerous times that MIL won't contact them/her son. That she hasn't spoken to them for 10 months/over a year, won't reply to the many messages her DS has left her, she leaves the house when she hears DS is coming round - I think most people would know that this person isn't speaking to them, commonly referred to as NC.

For possibly the fifth time, OP and her partner were TOLD that MIL wanted to see him, so they trusted what they were told and believed she wanted to see him.

Is there some reason you can't comprehend this? Am I writing it in sanskrit? What the actual?.......

Why are you so bothered by mine & DPs decision to have our child young? Doesn’t make us any less capable. & you’re comments have gone unacknowledged because you’re talking utter nonsense, every comment you’ve made it’s just you speculating that I ‘trapped’ DP with a child young, he is not trapped, you do realise it takes two to make a child don’t you? DP was DELIGHTED to be a dad, so respectfully stop insinuating that I’m just a young girl that’s trapped DP with a child & now MIL has EVERY reason to despise me just because I had a child. & Again, stop speculating that we must know what’s gone wrong, we don’t, Iv said already DP & I rack out brains about what could possibly be wrong all the time, do you think we enjoy stressing over this?

Exactly, we had no reason to doubt it. Wasn’t aware we had to suspect & dissect everything that people suggest to us incase it‘a false, specially when it’s your own father.

There’s nothing to suggest MIL went no contact? I literally stated several times that MIL hasn’t reached out to DP in 10 months, hasn’t answered one message, one call, hasn’t visited (despite FIL visiting alone). We’ve had complete radio silence on her part.

@Grxcegrxxn I was backing you up and defending you. As you said, you believed FIL when you were told she wanted to see your partner, so you obviously weren't aware she had gone NC with him. Because you both believed FIL.

Yes admitted by me cause DP has told me, stop acting as if I’m making things up to paint MIL as the villain & I used MIL choosing work over Christmas with her kids as just ONE of many other examples where she’s put other things first. Unfortunately there has been other things that DP has told myself over the years BUT I’m not about to plaster every single detail of his childhood on here cause I’d be here all day. I was simply showing MIL’s lack of interest in her own children when DP was growing up because someone body ASKED. “If your son was parroting on that you had abandoned him do you not think you might get upset?”, please clarify where on this thread have I said that DP has TOLD MIL that her absence on Christmas made him feel abandoned? He’s NEVER said that to her, it’s what he has told ME. So that would take no part in why MIL is so upset because she isn’t even aware that DP feels that way, he’s never told her. Have you not read anything?

Apologies, I thought I was responding to JadedTeal as it was similar font style. 😂

It is your thread and your life, you can keep up whatever pretences you like. Anyone who has read all of your posts consecutively ("see all") can see how you adjust stories over time to better fit a narrative. It's very clear where the rest of the family have put their allegiance, so the wide eyed innocence doesn't work very well.

If or when you'd actually like to resolve things with your MIL, the first step is being honest about things you and DP have said. That way people can give you advice that will help. Or, just keep lying in an anonymous forum if that gives you the validation you prefer.

OP . You haven't read my post correctly at all. I am not remotely bothered by you having a child young. I don't know you . What you and your partner get up to is entirely your business. It impacts not one iota upon my life.

You have posted on a public forum for
the last six days trying to wrack your brains as to why she has gone from cool towards you - and stone cold no contact. I am just posing a logical answer . As the simplest ones are usually the right ones and over thinking it is usually pointless.

Some behaviours if you can recall them would narrow this down to being the most likely cause of her self imposed exile from your lives.

1. What was her reaction when you announced the pregnancy ?
2. Was she interested in your pregnancy
3. Did she offer to buy something for the baby (most prospective GP are so excited they want to but the cot or pram or something.. did she ?
4. Did she have 'expectations' of DP like Uni or travelling (or both) that family life will now preclude ?

What I DID say is that your MIL behaviour could well be down to this issue. I am not saying 'you trapped him' I am saying that based on your own account of her previous lukewarm relationship with her - and the behaviour of the last ten months - the obvious answer for her complete detachment could be this. Im not saying for one moment she is handling it right. I am just saying that it is the most likely reason.

Few mothers would be ecstatic at the prospect of their sons becoming young fathers (or their daughters becoming young mothers for that matter)especially in a relationship such as yours when you have been together less than 2 years when you got pregnant. (and are still young twenties now) however most would be pragmatic and bite their tongues and get over it. For the child's sake.

... and yes, there are many women who do 'trap' men with pregnancy. However in my view the male in such circumstances carries joint responsibility and is a pillock for not protecting his fertility.

So yes I'm sorry OP. As I said, no judgment from me but if you are genuinely looking for an answer to the riddle of your absent 'MIL' then you almost certainly don't need to look much further.

In her eyes you have come along and 'got pregnant' very quickly into the relationship and 'ruined' her precious sons future by tying him down young. Luckily for you - your DP (and FIL) don't feel that way at all but if this is her stance now, I doubt she will ever 'get over' herself !

If I were you I would just carry on as you are and accept her judgement is her loss. The loss of what could be a lovely relationship with her Dgs.

OP, I think you should stay away from this thread. Some of these responses are getting ridiculous.

Some posters are either massively projecting, or are trying to wind you up on purpose.