MIL wants to see her son without her grandson & me

[Grxcegrxxn]

For a bit of context, myself & my partner have been together 4 years, we had our son 18 months ago. Partners mother has only seen our son twice. We have encouraged her to schedule a day to come & see us or we can travel to her, but she either cancels plans or just doesn’t show up. She missed our sons first birthday, didn’t see him over the Christmas break, even though she lives a few streets away. FIL sees our son regularly but always comes to ours alone without MIL. We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now but recently she has started getting FIL to communicate for her instead of just reaching out herself. FIL invited us to a bbq at their house, we agreed we’d go, then the day of FIL messages & says ‘mom recons it’s best to leave it, I think you and her need to chat face to face privately’. When my partner asked what about (assuming she was upset about something & wanted to talk it out) he responded ‘it’s nothing bad your mom just wants mom and son time with you away from everyone els’. Insinuating she wants to be alone with him away from myself & our son. Usually I wouldn’t be bothered if it was directed at me, BUT I don’t understand why she wants to be away from her grandson as well? Am I taking this too personal? :/

I would encourage my husband to find out what it is she wants. But I am really confident that my husband and my loyalties are always first to each other in the way that no one gets to talk badly about us or our children to us. The fact that FIL. Can’t visit is more than just panic attacks.

Is she jealous that you have taken her son away and she is no longer the centre of her sons world.

It could simply be she isn't a baby-lover and wants to spend an hour or two with her son. She doesn't have to be interested in her DGC, it isn't compulsory.

My dm was like that.

yes, it get the feeling she’s putting FIL in a ‘it’s me or them’ sort of situation tbh, cause why els would he have to hide seeing us if she isn’t bothered by it? & I agree I don’t think its anxiety.

Tbh, I’m surprised that your DP hasn’t popped into see his Mum over the last 10 months. Hasn’t he been worried about her? I’d be really concerned if I only saw one parent and not the other for months on end.

I’d push your DP to get over there ASAP and find out what’s going on. She may just be sulking about something or worse case, she’s seriously unwell.

I don’t think so as we have been actively trying to schedule visits etc but they are either busy or will agree then cancel. It’s not like I’ve ‘taken him away’, we still keep in touch but they don’t follow through with plans that we set

If you read my main post, I did clarify that he has been trying to see her but all he ever gets is ‘we’re busy, we’ve got plans’ or they’ll agree then cancel the day of. The problem is she doesn’t want to see us unless it’s on her terms. FIL has seen us & partner as asked ‘where’s mom?’ & she’s usually busy doing something els. & she’s in her early 40s, she’s not exactly at an age where we should worry if we haven’t heard from her. She’s simply just ignorant unless it’s on her terms.

im not saying that you have taken him away. Hope you don’t think that’s a criticism OP
But Some MILs get jealous of their DILs.

I suppose it’s all the group arrangements that I don’t understand, because if my parents lived a few streets away, I’d just stop by and see one or both of them on my own.

My Dad doesn’t live close to me, but I’ve always seen him regularly on my own (Mum has passed away) and DH sees his parents independently too.

Perhaps you’re all making this overly-complicated-he can just go over there sometimes.

I would be concerned that she's unwell and wants to explain it to him. It all seems a bit odd, if she's a few streets away then I'm not sure why he wouldn't have just gone straight round to ask her. Does he need your permission to go to his mum's house? If it's not that then is there something you felt was "minor" that happened after the baby was born?

What was the set up before the baby came? Did he see his mum alone then? Now the baby is here are the only arrangements to see her as a family?

something has clearly happened with her and she wants to tell your DP on her own away from you.

Early 40s is very young so I assume you are also young? I’d think that if your MIL has something difficult going on for herself, although seeing your son is important, it just isn’t a priority right now for her.

Of course it's not compulsory. It's pretty unappealing in a grandparent though isn't it? She's hardly ever seen her grandson and lives nearby. She sounds awful. If there's something wrong she should communicate it.

Blimey. I’d certainly call it compulsory for my parents to want a relationship with my children if they wanted one with me.

I couldn’t forgive my mum for being like this in your DP’s position OP and no justification she gave for it would be acceptable. I just wouldn’t have a relationship with her at all (though I’d keep trying, up to a point, with his dad).

Shes early 40s so you’re all very young. She’s young enough to be a mother to a child the same age as your dc. Understandably she has a busy life. Some women suffer terribly with the menopause. This could account for the change in attitude. Or mental health issues unrelated to this. It doesn’t sound like a you issue, more like a her issue.

Does your DP just never pick up the phone and have a chat with his DM? Why does it all have to be so formally arranged if you just live a few streets away? Did he get in touch on Mother's Day? Can't he just drop round on the way home from work or something? It seems odd that he hasn't made an effort to see her in ten months ... maybe she doesn't want to be seen as an interfering MIL ... or are you both quite young, if she is in her 40s perhaps she feels (rightly or wrongly) that her DS has become a parent too young and she is disappointed?

There’s obviously more to this than meets the eye. As PP have said, why hasn’t DH called his mum?

Once you were together, have all meetings been with both of you? I adore my DIL but I still see DS on his own regularly and would hate it if I never got to see him alone.

Wait until DH has seen his mum and the back story should reveal itself.

If you haven’t seen her, then how do you know it’s not ‘anxiety’? There’s a myriad reasons why she is being this way.
Your DP can just pop round to see her as you don’t live far from each other. My DH visited his mum every week at some point - not always at the same time. He only took DD if it was weekend.

WTF. She sounds like a complete narcissistic nightmare.

I would encourage DP to call in on his own for a cup of tea - rather than gatherings like bbqs.
She has a bee in her bonnet about something. But I would mention that it disappoints you rather than being angry about it so he doesn't feel torn.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time alone with adult children. When yours are grown, you will probably feel the same. It's very different when they have partners and children with them. It all depends how it's done.

Your MiL lives so close, it's weird that your partner doesn't pop round after work or whatever for a short time on a regular basis. Then, in my house at least, it'd be fine to have the rest of his family round for BBQs and social events.

There is something odd about your situation and your partner needs to find out what it is.

Could it be she just doesn't like you or want your company? My own mother has a tricky relationship with one DIL, they just don't like each other very much so my DB visits her alone and sometimes brings his children. It's actually my brother she mostly wants to see though.
IME of coming from a family with three females and two males, my mother is much closer to the children of her daughters. It doesn't sound fair or kind, it's just how it is

@Grxcegrxxn if they only live a few streets away why don’t you all just go round unannounced? I’m know it’s not the done thing in the UK but surely they can’t refuse you at the door?

Oh I also think your DH should definitely have the meet up with her to find out what’s going on, there’s nothing wrong with her wanting a private conversation with him.

I think all the kind and accommodating advice is quite frankly ridiuclous. Theres a lot more going on than someone not wanting to host a BBQ. She is deliberately excluding the OP and her child and setting up an adversarial situation where her husband is being pushed to choose between seeing his DIL and grandchild, and being on her side. I think its time this passive aggressiveness was confronted head on. i would absolutely make my husband bring it out into the open and sto[p pandering to his horrible, manipulative mother. If shes not interested in you or the little one, thats her loss, but she has no right to prevent the granddad from having a relationship with you.

You’re reaching a bit there. It’s more likely to be she’s a standard issue mean girl.

Who ignores a baby for 18months 😂 especially when it’s their flesh and blood?