MIL wants to see her son without her grandson & me

[Grxcegrxxn]

For a bit of context, myself & my partner have been together 4 years, we had our son 18 months ago. Partners mother has only seen our son twice. We have encouraged her to schedule a day to come & see us or we can travel to her, but she either cancels plans or just doesn’t show up. She missed our sons first birthday, didn’t see him over the Christmas break, even though she lives a few streets away. FIL sees our son regularly but always comes to ours alone without MIL. We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now but recently she has started getting FIL to communicate for her instead of just reaching out herself. FIL invited us to a bbq at their house, we agreed we’d go, then the day of FIL messages & says ‘mom recons it’s best to leave it, I think you and her need to chat face to face privately’. When my partner asked what about (assuming she was upset about something & wanted to talk it out) he responded ‘it’s nothing bad your mom just wants mom and son time with you away from everyone els’. Insinuating she wants to be alone with him away from myself & our son. Usually I wouldn’t be bothered if it was directed at me, BUT I don’t understand why she wants to be away from her grandson as well? Am I taking this too personal? :/

To be fair, the OPs title is a bit misleading but it's really not that hard to filter by OPs posts... it's frustrating when people fill a thread with the same incorrect comments based on assumptions they've made from the OP 😡

I would give up OP, both with the posters who are hard of reading and the MIL and PIL.

Quite frankly I don’t understand why you would want her to see your husband and child. She sounds awful and neglectful. Why want that sort of person in your lives?

If she isn’t interested in seeing any of you, that’s her loss, not yours.

Drop the rope.

I really have a want to get hq to alter ops initial post to stop the bloody 'omg you are so evil @Grxcegrxxn why are you stopping him seeing his mum, she must be heartbroken'..🤯🤯

It is a little hard to believe stories when they get altered mid-thread. OP is very keen to be seen as in the right and fhere is an issue with OP's posts. It took 11 posts for her to say the DP went round once on the day she wanted to see him, but she was at the pub. Some hours later this became an update, with the exact same details of the visit. Some hours later, this became multiple visits. At no point is it clear after the perhaps single visit whether he even left her a note or text so that she knew he'd been round.

Clearly something is going on, either she's ill or had quite significantly taken against OP. So regardless of any previous visits, he can go over again say early Saturday or Sunday when she'll be home, or send a text "I'm looking forward to catching up, let me know when you want it round." to leave the ball firmly in her court. If she doesn't follow up then that's up to her at that stage.

OP,
She sounds awful and by all accounts was not a loving mother.

Your poor partner.

I would advise you to forget about her and stop all efforts.

Take photographs of FIL with your child if you wish and make no reference to his mother.

Suggest your partner tries to access some counselling as it sounds as if he had a poor upbringing.

She is who she is and you will not change her.

Accept that she is a not very nice person and get on with your lives.

She brings only upset and sadness with her to the table.

Encourage your partner to talk about his hurt and move on.

Focus on your loving family.

UPDATE: FIL finally got round to responding to DP yesterday & asked if DP could pop round Saturday (today), DP agreed he’d pop round, cut to today, DP messaged FIL saying he was setting out & to make sure they would all be home & wouldn’t fuck off to the pub again, FIL then responds that there’s been a change of plans & will have reschedule for another day. Turns out they cancelled because MIL’s sister invited them round for a bbq & pool party for her kids (only found out as it’s plastered all over MIL’s sisters Facebook) & as usual, everyone els seems to have gotten an invite but us. All of DP’s cousins had gone, his grandparents, his brother & brothers new girlfriend & one of MIL’s good friends from work. But didn’t think their son & grandson would like to go? Surely I can’t be wrong in thinking this is going too far? We’re all being excluded at this point, even her son now. Why can’t MIL just cough up why we’re being treated like this wtf?!

& before anyone says ‘well it’s not MIL & FIL’s fault that DP’s auntie didn’t invite you all’ I’m not saying it is, but FIL could of been honest & said ‘your auntie is having a bbq today so we will have to reschedule OR you could always tag along’. This is unlike DP’s aunt to not invite him as we have regular contact with her (over the phone, messages etc), unless something has been said to make her not invite us, but what the fuck could it be, I’m constantly wondering what went wrong, did we do something or say something, what could we possibly of done to be entirely alienated & excluded. At this point we just want to be done, it’s so exhausting trying to figure out what’s gone wrong. If they can’t even tell us what’s wrong then this will never be fixed.

Honestly I think you should message fil tell him he is welcome to visit whenever he wants but you will no longer be making the effort. Enjoy your family and stop allowing this bizarre situation to take up space in your head. Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

I have read the updates and the entire thread but I still don't get something .

If this were MY mother or MIL behaving in this way .. FOR TEN MONTHS !! I wouldn't

a. Ring to say I am on my way !!!
b. Give ANY kind of notice as to when I would be turning up.

She may well have a busy social life/be an alcoholic/ not like you because you are pink/green/black/Muslim/Christian etc ... but I would want to know what the hell it was and would be making it my mission to do so !

You say he 'went round when invited but told she would be back late' - 'so came homel' ... I would not be doing that for starters. I would wait.

In current circumstances. They are at a family party. Unless you and your DP have fallen out with THE ENTIRE family I would turn up and deal with it. If you haven't fallen out with the entire family why have you been singled out for exclusion. ???

OP - do you have some protected characteristics that your DP family are discriminating about - but too canny to mention ? Race ? Religion ?

Or perhaps you are from a very different socioeconomic class from MIL ?

Baby in early 20s is not something that happens in my social circle. They are either v consciousness about birth control or have no qualms about abortion - because planning a baby at that age would just be regarded as weird and self sabotaging... could this be the reason ? Does she regard her son as 'trapped' into parenthood far too young but doesn't have the guts to say it ??

I agree with @UCknowitall

I wouldn’t check if they were in I’d just go round and if they were out I’d wait, he’s brother was home when he first went around so he could have just waited in the house. Your DP just needs to go round there and get it all sorted and not leave until they are there or answer the door or if he knows what pub they are in go to it, I just couldn’t let this go until I knew what was going on.

This whole thing is so bizarre and I wouldn’t blame you if you all went NC/LC over this.

No concerns around race, ethnicity etc & doubt there should be an issue regarding having our child young as she had DP when she was younger than me. & even though she was upset when getting the news I was pregnant, she became interested shortly after he was born for about 3 months but in that time only saw him twice, but would message asking for photos etc, but then suddenly stopped.

I’ll say it again..

STOP .. ACCEPTING .. MESSAGES .. FROM .. FIL!!!!!

so he arranged the meet, knew they were going out but didn’t bother to tell DH that they wouldn’t be there until he rang up to say he was on his way.. why are you STILL putting stock in what this idiot says?? ..

if you were my sister I’d be giving you both barrels about allowing yourselves to be victims in this way, you’re walking into it every time, it’s frankly embarrassing at this point!

I’d 100% ghost them all from now on.. they know where you are if they want to apologise for being a bunch of twats.

DP doesn’t want to chase her cause it’s making us look stupid at this point. DP’s chasing someone who doesn’t prioritise him, we shouldn’t have to force our way in, DP’s been round & keeps getting turned away, there’s only so much rejection DP can take. DP is going no contact cause it’s stressing us out trying to work them out.

I agree with @UCknowitall. I think your DP should show up at the BBQ and start asking some serious questions. This just May be the golden opportunity to find out just what is going on. First he should approach his Aunt and ask why he and his family are being excluded/shunned. He may get more out of the Aunt. He should definitely go to his Mother and demand an explanation for her behaviors, in front of the entire family. Then go to his father and demand answers there too. Being assertive may just be the only way to resolve this. You may want to stay home with your son while he does this so your son doesn’t get traumatized by any family drama.

I agree with you, but then there’s comments telling me ‘if I was you I’d be going round there & refuse to leave till they cough up what the issue is’. DP is going no contact & we both agreed that if they want to talk this out they can come to us, cause at the end of the day we aren’t the ones with the issue, it’s them.

I have a similar MIL issue which came to light a few years ago.

On DH birthday he was at work, the dc had got him a few bits and a a cake for when he got home……he returned and seemed a bit down. Turns out at lunchtime his mum had turned up with other family to take him out for lunch, and a cake, and a small ‘party’. Except I hadn’t been told or invited or the dc so he didn’t go and MIL was fuming!

More recently his grandmother died. I was talking to MIL about the arrangements and saying we would leave the younger dc as they may be noisy etc and she started saying that dh couldn’t take me , that no other women were going (?) then I said ok well he will be there early (he had a specific role) she said ‘no we are taking him so he can only leave when we want as this is a FAMILY thing’
He wanted to drive himself she said no he HAD to go with her so that she could MAKE SURE he had a drink 🤦‍♀️
Then she started calling me all sorts of things totally out of the blue . On the day he didn’t go which was a shame for him but we couldn’t excuse her behaviour as part of grief because what she said was so nasty

I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, wtf?! Some MIL’s are just outright vulgar with no specific reasoning besides the fact that DP can’t be controlled anymore, I’m sick of people excusing MIL’s toxic behaviour. My MIL has had problems with most of DP’s ex girlfriends (expect one which just so happened to be her bestfriends daughter)🙄 I genuinely believe she just doesn’t like me & can’t outright admit it to DP incase he cuts her off so is using terms like ‘mom & son time’ to manipulate him into excluding me & our son without him realising it’s intentional. X

It’s weird isn’t it. My MIL is possessive over him . All the ‘family’ talk whilst excluding me and the dc ????

I hope you can sort it out !

Time to bin the lot of them until they learn to behave like normal, decent people. Stop giving them any more of your headspace. They're not worth it.

I don’t think you’ll ever get a rational answer or get MIL to behave in a normal manner. I think you just have to accept that she is a complete nutcase & adjust your behaviour accordingly..

Don’t try going round there, just send a message saying to let you if they want to come round.

Thank you for your comments, we have chosen to go no contact till MIL contacts us herself or comes to us to talk. We are keeping contact with FIL but aren’t going to entertain any conversation that involves MIL till she coughs up what the problem is.

Going round there to get a reason for this odd and hurtful behaviour is 'chasing her ? ' ... wtf ?? No it isn't ! You have been stressing over this for months. ! How about he takes his head out of his arse and stops making excuses as to why he won't confront whatever is going on.

I still maintain that your DP is only too well aware EXACTLY what it is. There is some dislike of you as he is very young to have a child. She feels like you have trapped him. He knows it, she knows it, even FIL knows it.. yet know one is speaking .

They live round the corner . He could sort this all out right here and now.. it's Sunday morning. He can turn up on the doorstep at 9am and have THAT conversation. He won't though - because he already knows .

I think he’s chased his mother enough. What she’s doing is vile and manipulative so trying to have it out with her won’t work. She obviously sees herself as some kind of victim in this to be ignoring him.

Good decision, OP.

It's her loss!