MIL wants to see her son without her grandson & me

[Grxcegrxxn]

For a bit of context, myself & my partner have been together 4 years, we had our son 18 months ago. Partners mother has only seen our son twice. We have encouraged her to schedule a day to come & see us or we can travel to her, but she either cancels plans or just doesn’t show up. She missed our sons first birthday, didn’t see him over the Christmas break, even though she lives a few streets away. FIL sees our son regularly but always comes to ours alone without MIL. We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now but recently she has started getting FIL to communicate for her instead of just reaching out herself. FIL invited us to a bbq at their house, we agreed we’d go, then the day of FIL messages & says ‘mom recons it’s best to leave it, I think you and her need to chat face to face privately’. When my partner asked what about (assuming she was upset about something & wanted to talk it out) he responded ‘it’s nothing bad your mom just wants mom and son time with you away from everyone els’. Insinuating she wants to be alone with him away from myself & our son. Usually I wouldn’t be bothered if it was directed at me, BUT I don’t understand why she wants to be away from her grandson as well? Am I taking this too personal? :/

Is that some sort of joke? So FIL isn’t allowed to see DS & grandson because MIL will feel ‘abandoned’ (left out/excluded)? But MIL is allowed to call the shots & tell DS not to bring his partner & child to hers? Objectively leaving myself & my son out & excluding us? One rule for her & another for us basically. That’s not exactly fair is it.

I feel like this a Dr Phil moment when he says I know what's wrong with the person presenting with unusual behaviour but I want to know what's wrong with the enablers!

Your MIL isn't just ignoring you and your DS, she isn't particularly interested in her own son either. She had a baby young if she's in her early 40s. If your husband is in his early 20s then she might only have stopped actively worrying and parenting a few years ago. It sounds like she's resented losing so much of her youth to parenting and wants some of the experiences that she missed. She might have just gotten your DH off to his own life and started to explore hers when you and your DS joined the family. It sounds like she's enjoying her youth and freedom for the first time in a long time and simply isn't ready to give that up and be grandmother. It's understandable to just want to be childfree and have an exciting, full on few years before being ready to re-engage. She's burnout from parenting. I suspect that she would like her DH to join her on this fun filled new life and is disappointed when he wants to do more mundane things like visits your family.

The good news is that you don't have a problem. If she doesn't want to spend more time with her grandson then you don't really want her around him. You can't make someone want to be more involved. It might be shitty and will have long term repercussions should she want to have a close relationship later, but for now she doesn't want the life of a grandmother.

Your DH has tried to get hold of her so he's done his best. Now he can sit back and wait for her to contact him. If she doesn't then try and not resent it and hope that she's finding happiness in what she wants and needs to do right now. If she eventually gets back in contact then he can see her when it suits you as a family. I would try and be positive and keep a very general relationship with her. Drop by when it suits you, invite your FIL and her to your events. Your FIL needs to sort things out with his wife but that is not your responsibility. Just keep inviting him and creating the space and time for him to come. If she wants to come then she can but if she doesn't want to then don't focus on it.

As a total side from this, my GM was very similar OP. My grandmother visited us every week and she never came even once. We saw her only when we went to her house. Her answer was that the visits were near dinner time and she needed to make dinner. She thought that this was perfectly reasonable and there moving dinner by 30 minutes was nuts. I vividly remember calling my GF once and then asking to spread to her. My GF asked her if she wanted to speak to me and I heard her say no in the background 😂 She loved me but from afar. She wanted the picture and nice report card, not the mess! It happens. Just trust that your child will feel the difference and naturally build and distance relationships as he grows.

tell DS not to bring his partner & child to hers - This is new information, when did she tell your DH that?

Maybe there’s more there DH needs to be prepared for…. Perhaps his DM isn’t actually his DM. What if she never bonded with him because he is the product of SA and FIL isn’t his father? There might be something more than her being a narcissist- but I have to admit that having a golden child for whom she is willing to put the effort into is rather telling.

She hasn’t seen any of us in 10 months, my issue is that she wants to see her son alone but without her grandson that she hasn’t seen in ages.

Then her son should go see her, have a heart to heart and figure out what is going on

Re read!

So is your main issue is that if they meet you will be left out not about them resolving any issues so you can all move on be that together or without a relationship?

By the way maybe she's under the patio and FIL is just covering up his dirty deed lol.

This was one of FIL's many claims.

My point is how is it okay for her to outright exclude her grandson & I but if she’s excluded we’re in the wrong? Ya’ll try so hard to ignore the relevant parts where she’s been outright ignorant & hasn’t bothered to see her son & grandson in 10 months, bans her husband from seeing his son & grandson, asks for dp to pop round for mom & son time just to go out to the pub with friends then proceeds to ignore her son after SHE requested time with him. DP had made many attempts to see her, she won’t answer him. But sure she just has ‘anxiety’. It’s bullshit.

Your Angry OP and i completely understand. Your MIL wont talk, your FIL wont talk. Its frustrating and infuriating as well as being so cruel.

But my advice is step away. Support your DP but step away mentally and emotionally from this drama.

Let your FIL deal with her. Ask him to not discuss her around you. Your DP may want answers but unless they are willing to talk he may never get them.
Shes shown her colours. Your DS wont miss what he never had. He wont ever have to deal with the same manipulation that your DP has had to.

Try to let go.

I think you are understandably frustrated and some new information is being shared now, eg she invited your OH (her son) over, insisting it's just him, then dumps him to go to the pub with her friends. Is there any more pertinent information.
You're not listening to replies. People are giving yo advice but you seem so angry. Noone has said its fine just suck it up. I still think it's best to allow your OH time to look into things. The more information and understanding he has the more likely it is you'll find a solution. Ultimately though your MIL can't expect to be the centre of ghe universe....neither can you.

asks for dp to pop round for mom & son time just to go out to the pub with friends

For about the 11th time - Did she though? Or did FiL say that's what she wanted. I'm still not clear if your DH going round on that occasion was an arranged visit.

MIL hasn’t actually made any of these requests though has she OP? Why do you keep ignoring this?

FIL is obviously lying as he’s embarrassed/trying to build bridges/some other fucked up reason.

Just drop the rope. Leave it all alone. No need to get so angry. Once you accept that FIL is lying, everything else makes sense really.

I don't understand why your DP hasn't tried more times? It sounds like he only dropped by once or twice, why doesn't he just go there and sit until she comes back. Or get his brother to text when MIL is home. You live a few streets away!! easy to try again. At this point I'd actually be worried about her welfare.

Exactly but OP will continue to ignore all this though and tell us MIL invited him round when she absolutely didn't, that MIL banned FIL from seeing his DGC, that she uninvited them from a BBQ when she absolutely didn't.

I'm starting to see why MIL might be keeping her distance tbh.

Your post is not entitled mil ignores us for 10 months it's she's about you and your son ...
Your mil has made no contact so you are basing everything on your fil version and wording. He's being off by not telling his son what is going on just as much as she is by not making contact ...to play devil's advocate how do you know it's not FIL stopping all contact and saying things to MIL too? Let alone things like she lives around the corner then a bit later she works away
If her son truly wanted an answer he would go and sit around there until she turned up and demand an answer if he doesn't just ditch her and move on.....but either way there is an explanation it may be real or imagined on her part....or FIL s but there is one.

Did she maybe have another partner in mind for her son? And by not seeing your little boy she doesn't let the baby - nor you - into her life. Maybe she hopes your DP can be convinced to do what she wants and start a family with a girl his mother agrees on?

I'd track her down and observe her from afar. Either there's more going on in the marriage that anyone is admitting to, or she is now an alcoholic. It's either that or you blow up on FIL, I'm a bit unhinged, so I'd be knocking her out of bed, then putting our relationship finally to bed. This can't go on. In around six month your DS might start asking, even watching Pepper pig brings up grandparent questions. FIL can't continue with his BS.

She doesn't want a son who's old enough to marry and she absolutely doesn't want to be old enough to be a grandma

What do you want out of all this Op?

If your MIL says she’s not interested in a relationship with you or your child but will see her son would you accept that? Given she hasn’t had contact with you as a family unit for over 10 months I would question that she even has a relationship with her grandchild.

If she is always in the pub when your DP “drops in” then I assume he’s making arrangements to visit. Could he not just arrive unannounced (alone)? If she walks out and leaves her home in that situation it’s pretty obvious that she doesn’t want a relationship with any of you.

The sad truth of the matter is that she doesn’t owe you any explanation and potentially you’ll never know what this is about.

Your FIL being “in the middle” is his issue not yours. He either tells his wife he’s having a relationship with your family unit or stays away and doesn’t. He’s an adult and responsible for his own actions.

More importantly what does your DP want? Would he just accept his relationship with his mother has broken down and just forge ahead with developing a stand-alone relationship with his father and brother?

She sounds like a right fucking nightmare; only wants to see her son wtf is that about ? Why doesn’t she want contact with her grandson? Very odd!! Does she have an axe to grind with you? I’m not trying to offend you but Does she have any reservations about the paternity of the wee lad ? Or is she just a shit stirring old hag who cannot accept her precious little boy has grown up & now has his own family & she’s not the number one woman in his life anymore!!

What a horrible place to be in. I had to go NC with my mother for several years because of her being abusive. Your MIL sound like a real jewel (sarcasm). I hope you know that her crazy behaviors have nothing to do you you, your DP, or DS.

She sounds a lot like an alcoholic. Alcoholics have a disease that controls them and their thoughts. It’s very hard to break from. Your FIL may be co-dependent. That’s a rough spot too. It may be that your DS will have to enjoy his DGPs on your side and have little contact on DPs side.

I can’t imagine not spending time with your children on Christmas. That’s borderline abusive and a terrible way to treat your children on holidays. It shows she has some serious challenges where parenting is concerned.

I grew up with no grandparents. All four of them passed away before I was born. I always wished I could have met them. I had to be satisfied with stories that were told about them.

I’m also an alcoholic with 36 years sober, so I can understand a bit why she went to the pub even knowing her DS was coming by. No, I’m not saying she was right to do that, just that I understand that compulsion. I would have at least texted that I was leaving. Then again, not everyone would think to do that.

I hope whatever her issues are that it eventually works itself out. Hopefully FIL can at least be allowed to spend time with your family.

Also, having her in your DSs life while she is a raging alcoholic could actually be more damaging to him than not having her there at all.

Why wouldnt you ask FIL why he has to keep it quiet. Him saying that suggests everyone knows what the problem is. Sad that the man is apparently scared of his wife’s reaction.

Another one who hasn't read the OPs updates 🙈

Ok …. Your mother-in-law is her own worst enemy and she should grow up

she seriously needs to have a word with herself … my two sons , I’ve never ever expected this nonsense from them … yes I miss them and yes things change and it can hurt but fgs .. that’s my issue not theirs … I always feel … as long as my family are well and happy then I am .. It’s toxic .. notning more nothing less