MIL wants to see her son without her grandson & me

[Grxcegrxxn]

For a bit of context, myself & my partner have been together 4 years, we had our son 18 months ago. Partners mother has only seen our son twice. We have encouraged her to schedule a day to come & see us or we can travel to her, but she either cancels plans or just doesn’t show up. She missed our sons first birthday, didn’t see him over the Christmas break, even though she lives a few streets away. FIL sees our son regularly but always comes to ours alone without MIL. We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now but recently she has started getting FIL to communicate for her instead of just reaching out herself. FIL invited us to a bbq at their house, we agreed we’d go, then the day of FIL messages & says ‘mom recons it’s best to leave it, I think you and her need to chat face to face privately’. When my partner asked what about (assuming she was upset about something & wanted to talk it out) he responded ‘it’s nothing bad your mom just wants mom and son time with you away from everyone els’. Insinuating she wants to be alone with him away from myself & our son. Usually I wouldn’t be bothered if it was directed at me, BUT I don’t understand why she wants to be away from her grandson as well? Am I taking this too personal? :/

Please come back and tell us what’s up with her!

that sounds very sad

It sounds to me as if MIL has some physical or mental health problem or momenetous news that she's really struggling with; maybe is no longer getting out of the house. She wants to break the news to her son in the security and familiarity of her own home with no distractions.

This. Your DP should go round and talk to her.

Why hasn't he seen her in 10 months?

Clearly something happened. He should have cared enough to go around and ask her, months ago. Or is he not allowed to?

This sends up a red flag for me. Its impossible to say from your post, and I mean no disrespect, but its entirely possible that YOU are very contolling and you are not allowing your DP to spend time with his mother alone. Everyone's assuming that she is mentally ill, its entirely possible that you have the problem.

Very strange to me that you've let this go on so long, through xmas and birthday. Is that because you insist on being there as well? There is nothing wrong with her wanting to spend time with her son, alone. And vice versa. So, honestly, do you insist on always being included when they get together? You say you keep trying to make arrangements for ALL of you to visit, why can't he just go visit on his own? Would that upset you? Seems weird that he hasn't gone and done this already, does he need your permission or something like that? Again, don't know, but its possible the problem is you. And it may be as simple as that, and maybe if you back off, let them have some time together, all will be well.

I bring up this possiblity because I have a friend like this. She won't let her partner see his family unless she comes along. She can't see that she's being unreasonable. I'm not saying you're like this, but I'm putting the question out there.

Do you have a problem with your DP seeing his mother without you?

By the sounds of it there is nothing you or DP can do that hasn’t already been done.

I initially thought menopause too but I’m mindful of my friend up the road who didn’t feel maternal even after she had a baby, it’s just not a natural thing for everyone and she had the child for her then DH and thought she would “change”.

(early cognitive decline perhaps? If she is a big drinker it’s certainly on the cards..)

she loves him, but has said she loves her cats more… and it’s hard to know what to suggest watching from the sidelines.

I would try and keep communications open with FIL as he might feel he is on the reject pile too and stop trying to communicate with MIL. Leave her be and if she Moans down the track then your partner needs to “put her in her place” for want of a better phrase.

tou can’t make people feel or do things because it’s the right thing to do. Sadly sometimes.

Why aren't people reading OP's posts? If one more person asks why DP hasn't been to see his mum or why OP is questioning a parent wanting to see their child alone! The MIL isn't seeing her child, DIL or DGC AT ALL, that is the weird bit!

OP I'm sorry this is happening and the only advice I can give is that we can't control the actions of others, only our own. Whether things improve will depend on whether she communicates the issue or even communicates at all. There is obviously an issue as she doesn't want FIL to visit. If FIL stops visiting then that's a choice he must live with.

I would personally not engage with anyone about her, anything to be said needs to be done with her and if she's not interested then allow your energy to be put into people who care. Your DP is possibly hurting at the realisation that his mother gives zero fucks about him so your immediate family unit is most important right now. Once you let people like that go you'll be much more content and at peace with how it is.

@Grxcegrxxn I’ve read through your posts (and many comments) but apologies if this has been asked/discussed but do you and DP and your child see any other family on your partners side? Does his brother visit? You say his dad went and started with his father when they split so do you see your DP grandfather? Aunts or Uncles?
Whatever his mothers issue is, he’s tried everything that can reasonably be expected of anyone to try and sort it and to no avail.
My advice to you both us concentrate on yourselves and your gorgeous child. Spend time with other family members who want to see you. Step away from her now, if FIL wants to play to her time that’s up to him.
I hope you do have other family members whether his side or yours, that you can love and be loved equally in return. Concentrate on them.
Sadly I honestly think you are better off leaving this woman to it until SHE finally starts making the effort!
Wishing you all the best x

50% (at least) of what you think is to ng on is pure speculation. Until someone speaks with her, you don't actually know what's going on.

It's difficult to believe that your DP hasn't been able to see his mum a few streets away, for 10m/a year.

If it was my mum, I'd have gone in for a cuppa and not moved until she came home.

And she may not like you - that's life. and she may not want to see you. Her choice. With regards your DS - she may think asking to see him without you I some step too far. My SIL can't stand me - I know and accept this. When our DD was born she saw her 3 times in 2 years - and that's because we visited her.

Over rh. Next 3 years, she grew up, realised not liking me does not mean not seeing me. We now have a functioning, respectful relationship (soon to be way less contact as her DB will hopefully be moving out of my house in the next 6m)

OP mentioned in her updates that MIL was not at home when her partner went around to talk to her because she was at the pub.

So you raise your child until adulthood, and now you aren't allowed to see him alone, only with a partner attached to their side. What kind of CF wife does this?

Leave your husband alone to see his mum, what's the issue?????

@Freckles978 FFS, read ALL the OP's posts on this thread! MIL doesn't even want to see her son, or her grandson. What kind of poster posts a reply that bares absolutely no relevance to the post/s? I bet you only just read the title and read no further.

Don’t let it bother you, I’ve got a mil the same she now hasn’t seen her grandchildren since Boxing Day- it used to upset me but it’s her loss. Your mil is the one missing out on her grandchild. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Good lord. Why do people type massive replies without reading the updates?

He has gone round. When he gets there she has gone to the pub.

I used to have a MIL like that. I let her get on with it (and her son). She was a nasty piece of work so I very much liked having nothing to do with her though I did not have a child in the mix. That bit is very strange.

RTFT!!!!!

HE HAS DONE! Read the full thread for fuck's sake!!

Does it really matter…. I mean who cares if she just wants to c her son then let her do that. As I have got older and had kids I only really care about my partner and kids happiness I really don’t care about my in laws. Is ur partner upset?

Thank you so much for your comment & DP doesn’t have a relationship with his dads side of the family as MIL & FIL fell out with them when DP was young & haven’t spoke since. DP’s moms side of the family keep in touch but it’s long distance so we don’t see them but will catch up over the phone etc. Luckily we have a good relationship with my family & they spoil DS so we’re not missing out & my family love DP & treat him as their own, we are really grateful for that. X

I’m not repeating myself again. Read the updates.

It’s not all about her seeing him without me, it’s about her seeing him without seeing her grandson she hasn’t seen in 10 months. Read my updates before responding. & yes he’s livid, again, READ THE UPDATES.

OP, I would not even respond to the posters who are too lazy to read your updates. Let them continue to look like imbeciles who obviously can’t be bothered to press the “See All” button that we can all clearly see is at the bottom right of every OP’s first post.

Please read the thread comments before speculating that I’m a ‘control freak’. He’s been round ON HIS OWN multiple times & she’s usually not home. DP has messaged her LOADS of times to see when he can pop round & visit ALONE, she never answers, she won’t even pick up the phone when her son calls. The day she requested to see him alone, he went straight to hers just to find she wasn’t even home, she’d gone to the pub with friends. She gives FIL an earful when he see’s his son & grandson,FIL has to SNEAK round behind her back because he doesn’t want the grief. There’s too many comments simply ignoring the thread updates where Iv stated this already plenty of times. READ. I have 0 problem with DP seeing his mother without me, the problem lies with the fact that she’s requesting alone time after 10 months radio silence & not even asking DP to being DS along so she can see him. IT’S ODD the timing is odd & it’s rude, I don’t doubt my mother wouldn’t like to see me alone without me dragging DP along BUT she wouldn’t ever say it or show it cause it‘s incredibly rude.

Honestly they are so frustrating lmao, half of the comments are me just repeating myself.

It’s rife on here, unfortunately.

Posters begged for a function to see all of an OP’s posts without having to go through many pages and finally MN did it and there are still posters who choose not to use it. It’s bonkers.

Some of them are so ignorant that they genuinely only read the title of the thread. I am so careful how I word them!