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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to see her son without her grandson & me

341 replies

Grxcegrxxn · 29/05/2023 23:34

For a bit of context, myself & my partner have been together 4 years, we had our son 18 months ago. Partners mother has only seen our son twice. We have encouraged her to schedule a day to come & see us or we can travel to her, but she either cancels plans or just doesn’t show up. She missed our sons first birthday, didn’t see him over the Christmas break, even though she lives a few streets away. FIL sees our son regularly but always comes to ours alone without MIL. We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now but recently she has started getting FIL to communicate for her instead of just reaching out herself. FIL invited us to a bbq at their house, we agreed we’d go, then the day of FIL messages & says ‘mom recons it’s best to leave it, I think you and her need to chat face to face privately’. When my partner asked what about (assuming she was upset about something & wanted to talk it out) he responded ‘it’s nothing bad your mom just wants mom and son time with you away from everyone els’. Insinuating she wants to be alone with him away from myself & our son. Usually I wouldn’t be bothered if it was directed at me, BUT I don’t understand why she wants to be away from her grandson as well? Am I taking this too personal? :/

OP posts:
Frenulumetta · 29/05/2023 23:41

Yes, she needs to talk to her son on her own she might have explaining to do she might want to apologise. She sounds shite but perhaps there is reason behind it. She is perfectly entitled to want to see her son on his own perhaps it might pave the way to more time with you and grandchild.

Somanycats · 29/05/2023 23:48

Could she have received an upsetting health diagnosis that she wants to tell her son about? Maybe one that accounts for her behaviour to an extent?

mdinbc · 29/05/2023 23:58

It does sound odd, but my DH would often go to visit his mum without me or kids, especially since she lived nearby. I can't see why he wouldn't.

WednesdaysPlaits · 30/05/2023 00:02

Dh often pops to see his parents without the rest of us. My boys are late teens but I’d hope that once they leave home
i still get to see them one on one sometimes and not always only with their families.

HeddaGarbled · 30/05/2023 00:03

We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now

This is the significant information. There’s something going on with her, and I think it would be a very good idea for your H to see her privately to find out what.

KingOfThieves · 30/05/2023 00:05

at I guess could she be struggling with anxiety or agoraphobia? I think you need to leave OH to make a choice but I think he should go and see her to be honest.

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 30/05/2023 00:08

She sounds crap, but it sounds like a chat between her and your dp could be a good thing, there's obviously some stuff for them to sort out and that will be easier for them to do privately.

Anissue · 30/05/2023 00:16

HeddaGarbled · 30/05/2023 00:03

We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now

This is the significant information. There’s something going on with her, and I think it would be a very good idea for your H to see her privately to find out what.

Agree with the above.

Ilovetea42 · 30/05/2023 00:20

Yes I think your dh needs to go see her, see what she has to say. If it's just a chat with absolutely nothing else going on then he needs to question why she's making so little effort when you are part of her family and she has a grandson who you'd both like to know her. If she can't answer then maybe he needs to have a talk with his dad to see what is going on. I wouldn't be putting myself in between my dh and his family unless they were directly harmful to the wellbeing of my family unit if that makes sense. So I think you encourage him to go with an open mind and to be honest about how things are coming across and try to hear her side?

RightOnTheEdge · 30/05/2023 00:35

Do you really not know why? It seems like very strange behaviour. What has your FIL said about her not wanting to visit?

I do think it's probably best if your dh sees her alone at first though. They need to talk and straighten things out. Which will be easier with just the two of them.

Batalax · 30/05/2023 00:38

Has she always been off with you? I’d see what dh says after he’s seen her.

Hellno45 · 30/05/2023 00:40

She wants to have a private conversation with her son. She could want to talk about something delicate.

RightOnTheEdge · 30/05/2023 00:44

Why have you started a other thread about the same thing OP?
It seems from your other thread that your MIL has had a problem with you from the start.

I think your dh should go talk to her and see what she says.

Redglitter · 30/05/2023 01:01

Why do you keep starting new threads rather than respond on here?.

Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 01:09

FIL agrees he wants her to make more effort to be involved, he arranged the bbq as a chance for her to see her son & grandson. FIL feels very ‘in the middle’ because he wants to see us as often as possible but on the other hand she doesn’t, so he’s either upsetting her by coming to visit us or having to let us down & missing out on seeing his son & grandson.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 01:12

& we used to get on some what, I always sensed she didn’t like me BUT regardless she used to be polite & was better at hiding it if that makes sense? hence the confusion as why she’s suddenly changed without any particular reason (that I’m aware of anyway).

OP posts:
Cantstandbullshitanymore · 30/05/2023 01:31

Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 01:12

& we used to get on some what, I always sensed she didn’t like me BUT regardless she used to be polite & was better at hiding it if that makes sense? hence the confusion as why she’s suddenly changed without any particular reason (that I’m aware of anyway).

It’s really strange especially the lack of internet in her grandson, FIL trying while she resists. Something definitely happened that you may not be aware of, but I would let DH go or at least decide what he wants. Don’t make it a choose me or get situation, hopefully she may open up to him about what’s going on.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/05/2023 01:36

Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 01:09

FIL agrees he wants her to make more effort to be involved, he arranged the bbq as a chance for her to see her son & grandson. FIL feels very ‘in the middle’ because he wants to see us as often as possible but on the other hand she doesn’t, so he’s either upsetting her by coming to visit us or having to let us down & missing out on seeing his son & grandson.

So not only does she not visit but she gets upset with her husband if he does?

your DH should speak to her - there’s clearly something going on. At least this way he’d know what he’s dealing with with his mother and can decide about contact/effort accordingly.

Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 01:46

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 30/05/2023 01:31

It’s really strange especially the lack of internet in her grandson, FIL trying while she resists. Something definitely happened that you may not be aware of, but I would let DH go or at least decide what he wants. Don’t make it a choose me or get situation, hopefully she may open up to him about what’s going on.

Show quote history

currently trying to arrange a day for him to see her when she’s free & yes I definitely think there’s something going on behind closed doors that she may not want me knowing, but I don’t see how she plans on resolving whatever the issue is without me knowing what’s gone wrong. & the main thing that bothers me is her lack of interest in her grandson, she wants mom & son time but not mom, son & grandson time. It’s just bizarre.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 01:51

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/05/2023 01:36

So not only does she not visit but she gets upset with her husband if he does?

your DH should speak to her - there’s clearly something going on. At least this way he’d know what he’s dealing with with his mother and can decide about contact/effort accordingly.

Show quote history

Yes & on a couple of occasions FIL has visited he’s had to ask us to ‘keep it to ourselves & not post anything about him visiting’ or he’ll say things like ‘I can’t stay long cause your mom doesn’t know I’m here’. & whenever HE makes plans to see us he’ll say ‘I’ll see what your mom says’ then will cancel after speaking with her. But obviously I don’t have any proof she’s actually ‘stopping him’, but it seems very sketchy.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 30/05/2023 01:54

Hmm.... very strange.

You call him DP. Are you married?

If not, is that the problem? Some people are still weird about that kind of thing if they're old-fashioned.

Original poster
Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 01:59

suburbophobe · 30/05/2023 01:54

Hmm.... very strange.

You call him DP. Are you married?

If not, is that the problem? Some people are still weird about that kind of thing if they're old-fashioned.

No not married, engaged & I don’t think that’s the issue as she fell pregnant much younger than me & didn’t marry till later.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 30/05/2023 02:03

@Grxcegrxxn

O.k.

It's sad. But it is what it is.

I hope it resolves itself. Must be hard being in the middle of that.

Hopefully you have a better relationship with your own parents towards their grandchild....

JudgeRudy · 30/05/2023 02:11

I'd reserve judgement on this one until your husband has met up with her but I suspect mental ill health...so social anxiety, agoraphobia that type of thing. How old is she? Sometimes menopause can make people a nut 'jittery'.
I don't think it's about you tbh, I think she's having panic attacks and the more she leaves it the worse it becomes.
Don't necessarily expect a big reveal/revelation when your OH calls in. It might take a bit of prodding to actually get to the bottom of this. Interesting meantime maybe you could 'coincidently' join them on future visits (not next ) and 'pop in' for 5mkns with son when he's nearly done. Make something up eg just took your child to park etc. This will preserve the relationship with her grandchild.

TaylorSwiftFan · 30/05/2023 02:13

JudgeRudy · 30/05/2023 02:11

I'd reserve judgement on this one until your husband has met up with her but I suspect mental ill health...so social anxiety, agoraphobia that type of thing. How old is she? Sometimes menopause can make people a nut 'jittery'.
I don't think it's about you tbh, I think she's having panic attacks and the more she leaves it the worse it becomes.
Don't necessarily expect a big reveal/revelation when your OH calls in. It might take a bit of prodding to actually get to the bottom of this. Interesting meantime maybe you could 'coincidently' join them on future visits (not next ) and 'pop in' for 5mkns with son when he's nearly done. Make something up eg just took your child to park etc. This will preserve the relationship with her grandchild.

Agree with this