MIL wants to see her son without her grandson & me

[Grxcegrxxn]

For a bit of context, myself & my partner have been together 4 years, we had our son 18 months ago. Partners mother has only seen our son twice. We have encouraged her to schedule a day to come & see us or we can travel to her, but she either cancels plans or just doesn’t show up. She missed our sons first birthday, didn’t see him over the Christmas break, even though she lives a few streets away. FIL sees our son regularly but always comes to ours alone without MIL. We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now but recently she has started getting FIL to communicate for her instead of just reaching out herself. FIL invited us to a bbq at their house, we agreed we’d go, then the day of FIL messages & says ‘mom recons it’s best to leave it, I think you and her need to chat face to face privately’. When my partner asked what about (assuming she was upset about something & wanted to talk it out) he responded ‘it’s nothing bad your mom just wants mom and son time with you away from everyone els’. Insinuating she wants to be alone with him away from myself & our son. Usually I wouldn’t be bothered if it was directed at me, BUT I don’t understand why she wants to be away from her grandson as well? Am I taking this too personal? :/

She sounds horribly manipulative.
I would guess there would be no big reveal if she does ever see DP. It's all just mind games and control, getting DP to dance to her tune. Which she seems to have done quite succesfully.

OR she will ask him to leave you, or express doubts about DC's paternity.

Easiest solution - drop the rope.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be pandering to mil now. How horrible of her to ignore you all, and uninvite you guys to a bbq. I can't get over the way she agrees to see her son, then goes out?! It's rude. I'd just stop talking to her and pretend that she doesn't exit, until she comes to her senses. I certainly wouldn't visit again, only to be let down again. How hurtful for your husband. If fil asks him to meet mil again he ought to say," no thanks because she never shows up. Tell her she's welcome here though."

In however long has your partner not gone round to see her and find out how she is? I can't imagine just not talking to my mum for 10 months with no falling out or whatever

Two of my friends were completely irrational and ridiculous before they started HRT. One of them realised that they were being irrational and difficult, but felt unable to do anything about it, and thought she was going mad, the other wasn't so lucky: in her eyes it was everyone else that was being difficult.

Once they were on HRT, they were both fine, but it was a very challenging time, not only for them, but for everyone around them.

Again, he has made several attempts to pop into see her, she’s always out or working, he’s called her god knows how many times, never answer, several messages that have gone ignored, she’s been no contact with us for 10 months, dp still made attempts to reach out in that time. Dp sees it as ‘why should I make all the effort when I get nothing back?’ The phone works both ways, if she wanted to talk to him she would.

Unfortunately in this case MIL only seems to be challenging with us, she still has other connections that she sees regularly with no issues like this. I don’t think it’s down to menopause honestly. I do just think seeing her son & grandson doesn’t fit into her perfect lavish lifestyle of holidays & cocktail brunches. She just doesn’t want to fit DS & DP into her busy lifestyle & wants to control FIL to do the same.

We often see our parents without each other or kids in tow. I thought it was normal.

It is normal I agree BUT, the first meeting in over 10 months no contact just so happens to be ‘mom & son time’. If we had been having regular visits like once every month or so then she suddenly decided she wanted alone time with her son, wouldn’t of thought twice about it. It’s just the timing is very odd. How can she go 10 months without seeing her grandson then ask her son to NOT bring him with when visiting?

Do you or your DP know which pub she goes to with her friends? Next time he calls in to see her, unannounced, and is told she's in the pub, I'd pop down the pub too just to check out a) that she's actually there and b) who exactly she's with.

I'm always happy to see GC, two here for school holidays, but it is nice to have a bit of adult time with my own kids occasionally. It is rare but I enjoy it when it happens. I'd never suggest they have to come by themselves though.

We do & I did suggest it to DP because same as you I wanted to make sure she was actually there, but he felt like he was having to ‘chase’ after her when realistically he shouldn’t have to

I would take this at face value. She doesn’t want to see you and her grandson. She barely wants to see her son. She’s hard work but FIL has to be loyal.
I would stop trying to to facilitate any contact at all. It’s a drain on your mental energy which you don’t need. Just see FIL when he’s able to visit and make those times enjoyable for your son.

I wonder if the marriage between FIL & MIL is breaking down, and if she isn’t actually an alcoholic or has some kind of MH issue that the FIL feels he can’t discuss due to his own pride/hope/feelings, etc. I would totally give up on trying to get the truth out of her. She doesn’t give a shit. Work on nurturing the relationship with DFIL. He might need that atm.

Agree with this, even I like to have time alone with my parents, but we usually do it when DP chooses to stay home or is working etc, so my parents never actually have to say ‘oh we just want to see you alone’ & even when I do see them I’m not exactly ‘alone’ cause I still bring DS along. My parents know DP’s parents don’t make an effort to see him so they feel awful for him & include him in everything so he doesn’t feel left out.

This but it's not just mothers/mils, it's anyone who behaves badly. It's often people who are push overs trying to convince others to be push overs. Really interesting to see the knots people get themselves in to excuse bad behaviour and convince an OP that abnormal behaviour is totally fine.
Non of this is normal @Grxcegrxxn and if I were you I would steer well clear. Be honest with FIL and say you aren't prepared to waste any more headspace on this. I would be advising your DP to do the same and get on with your lives.

It's often people who are push overs trying to convince others to be push overs.

This is most of MN in a nutshell.

I'd have marched down to the pub and confronted the awful woman. The brother who I assume lives at home might know what the hell is going on. Your FIL needs to find some cojones.

She's a jealous narcissist. I'd block her on everything you and partner when she discovers that she'll be knocking on her son's door

MIL & FIL allegedly split up shortly after he visited us & during the visit he said he was going to have a chat with MIL to try and bring her to get more involved in DS & DP lives, days later FIL suddenly went quiet & we didn’t hear from him for a few weeks. I wonder if maybe her lack of interest is bothering FIL & causing friction between them at home cause he’s getting an earful from MIL whenever he visits us. Maybe that’s why they split for a bit cause her trying to control him into not seeing us isn’t working as well as she thought.

Good on all the people being objective on here and trying to see if there's a reason for MIL behaving like this.

I happen to think she's just a bit of a horrible cow and you have both done plenty to try and rectify this situation. Tell FIL he is always welcome and you want to maintain a relationship with him, but no further effort will be made with MIL unless she reaches out at this point. There's only so much you can do and only so many times you can be ignored without it being plain rude and hurtful.

This is all so bizarre. You live close by and your DP hasn't seen his mother for ten months .. she is avoiding him.. and his dad doesn't mention the problem. Do none of you actually speak to each other ??

If that were my mum. I would go round without warning at random times if the day . You say the brother lives at home... and even he doesn't know what the problem is ? Just send him
round after work and tell him not to come home until he's seen her. !

I have to hypothesis for the avoidance..

1. You are in some way 'different' . Racially, culturally, socioeconomically, and your DPs mother has a prejudice that is socially unacceptable. So smiles to your face BUT now you have a child that is 50% you - and permanent . She can't cope..

1. You are early 20s and already have a child. Amongst my social circle that would be pretty unusual (and silently judged) . Middle Class environment where lives are v 'mapped out' .. GCSE, A'levels, Uni.. gap year . Graduate position somewhere... Early 20s already with a baby would be very frowned upon . (Although no one would admit it - a bit like your MIL) !

The woman we’re talking about is in her early forties. Young enough to be a mother to a child the same age as OP’s. Your mum was just horrible and so is OP’s MIL.

I agree, some people just shouldn’t have kids if they plan on abandoning them.

Is she your actual mother in law or the mother of the man you live with? did she meet you when the dating period was going into full time commitment?

“I do think on Mumsnet people bend over backwards to excuse mothers/Mil's.

Some are just manipulative narcissists.

I wouldn't put up with this shit for a second.”

100% agreed to its the above

She’s manipulating you and your DP. Is it normal to want to see your adult child without his partner/grandchild? Absolutely, nothing wrong with it. But I really don’t think that’s the main point here. For 10 (!) months she’s been avoiding your partner, he’s been trying to contact her on multiple occasions. It’s controlling, narcissistic behaviour, it’s her way or the high way. I also think that OP has every right to feel sad that MIL doesn’t want to see her grandchild. I definitely would.

To be honest, if the roles were reversed (you not liking your MIL) I feel like more people would be saying that you should try to make some effort to see her from time to time, at the end of the day she’s your DP’s mom. Not often but occasionally, during some larger family gatherings. I think it should work both ways, even if she doesn’t like you she should be making some minimal effort and not behaving like a child.

Probably not a popular opinion but I’d stop justifying her behaviour. “But as a mother she has every right to see her adult son on his own” someone said in one of the earlier posts. No, there is no right nor law guaranteeing this, it’s a privilege you don’t deserve if you’re a shitty, manipulative person.

Your post resonates with me because of a similar family situation. After almost 10 years of bending backwards I decided to stop trying with my MIL (very similar manipulation style and passive aggressive behaviour). She also specifically tried to exclude me from some family events, which my DH didn’t agree for; I know how much it hurts). My life has been much better since I just stopped trying to please her. I think if someone hasn’t experienced something similar, they try to give you advice which would apply to ‘normal’ people. But in this instance it simply won’t work. She won’t change. You/your partner will give in once, she’ll keep doing the same thing over and over again. Try your best to move on and be happy. Don’t let her live rent free in your head. All the best.

Just ignore them. They can either be grown up and have a conversation or they can run the drama on their time.

I feel sorry for your DP but he can stop doing all the running now, safe in the knowledge that he tried his best to sort it out.