Page 4 | MIL wants to see her son without her grandson & me

Grxcegrxxn · 2023-05-29T22:34:54+00:00

For a bit of context, myself & my partner have been together 4 years, we had our son 18 months ago. Partners mother has only seen our son twice. We have encouraged her to schedule a day to come & see us or we can travel to her, but she either cancels plans or just doesn’t show up. She missed our sons first birthday, didn’t see him over the Christmas break, even though she lives a few streets away. FIL sees our son regularly but always comes to ours alone without MIL. We’ve been in no contact with MIL for 10 months now but recently she has started getting FIL to communicate for her instead of just reaching out herself. FIL invited us to a bbq at their house, we agreed we’d go, then the day of FIL messages & says ‘mom recons it’s best to leave it, I think you and her need to chat face to face privately’. When my partner asked what about (assuming she was upset about something & wanted to talk it out) he responded ‘it’s nothing bad your mom just wants mom and son time with you away from everyone els’. Insinuating she wants to be alone with him away from myself & our son. Usually I wouldn’t be bothered if it was directed at me, BUT I don’t understand why she wants to be away from her grandson as well? Am I taking this too personal? :/

jannier · 30/05/2023 11:31

Sounds like they do need a one to one so the air can be cleared.
I love having time to sit and chat with my son we talk about health, emotions, have a laugh, see he's okay etc....I love chatting to my DIL one to one too. Love group family time and having just me and grandkids every interaction is different and builds bonds ....
But her not seeing anyone suggests there is something wrong

TheCatterall · 30/05/2023 11:34

@Grxcegrxxn this sounds so crap for your poor DP. What was she like with him whilst he was growing up etc?

FiL is just pandering to her now and enabling this behaviour to continue by keeping his visits a secret etc. He must know what’s going on and should really have a chat with DP to enlighten him a bit.

MIL is either a complete narc or has MH issues that folks at home are ignoring/covering for. Or maybe she’s just an arsehole?

Think if I was DP I’d either write her off and stop engaging or camp at hers until she turns up from the pub.

purplecorkheart · 30/05/2023 11:38

As an one off I wouldn't be too bother about her wanting to meet her son alone. Maybe he can find out what is going on.

Original poster

Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 11:44

TheCatterall · 30/05/2023 11:34

@Grxcegrxxn this sounds so crap for your poor DP. What was she like with him whilst he was growing up etc?

FiL is just pandering to her now and enabling this behaviour to continue by keeping his visits a secret etc. He must know what’s going on and should really have a chat with DP to enlighten him a bit.

MIL is either a complete narc or has MH issues that folks at home are ignoring/covering for. Or maybe she’s just an arsehole?

Think if I was DP I’d either write her off and stop engaging or camp at hers until she turns up from the pub.

It is, he likes to act like he’s not bothered but surely it must, if your own mother can’t give you the time of day that must be the ultimate rejection. DP said his mom was never the ‘maternal’ type, apparently she always put work first, she would work Christmas Day every year. He claims he barely saw her, he had a better relationship with his dad, his dad was more family oriented & was the one that used to say he couldn’t wait for grandchildren etc. Definitely think FIL knows what the issue is but won’t tell us whenever we ask, dp has asked ‘is mom upset with me? She hasn’t answered any calls or texts’ & FIL just says no everything’s fine when everything clearly isn’t fine.

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mamabear715 · 30/05/2023 11:49

As I said before, time to stop pandering to her.
She must feel really special with everyone tiptoeing round her. She's a waste of space. FIL is enabling her.

GnomeDePlume · 30/05/2023 11:57

I wonder if the issue is that she has become a grandmother and this conflicts with her view of herself as being young.

Rather than being happy that she has the energy to be an active grandparent she is hiding from it and pretending it hasn't happened.

Fifthtimelucky · 30/05/2023 11:59

This does sound very odd.

Given her young age, I wonder whether she is struggling to see herself as a grandmother and doesn't feel old enough (or want to feel old enough) to take on that role. Many women in their early 40s still have primary aged children after all (as I did). She might also be struggling to see her 'baby' in the role of father.

Given that she must have become a mother young herself, that would be very hypocritical, but people's feelings aren't always logical!

Original poster

Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 12:03

GnomeDePlume · 30/05/2023 11:57

I wonder if the issue is that she has become a grandmother and this conflicts with her view of herself as being young.

Rather than being happy that she has the energy to be an active grandparent she is hiding from it and pretending it hasn't happened.

Yes! I thought the same because she would make jokes whilst I was pregnant like ‘I feel too young to be a grandma’ & would say she hates being called ‘nanna, grandma’ etc. I do feel like she’s just pretending she doesn’t have a grandchild to keep her ‘youth’. Sounds incredibly selfish though.

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Creamyoda · 30/05/2023 12:06

Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 12:03

Yes! I thought the same because she would make jokes whilst I was pregnant like ‘I feel too young to be a grandma’ & would say she hates being called ‘nanna, grandma’ etc. I do feel like she’s just pretending she doesn’t have a grandchild to keep her ‘youth’. Sounds incredibly selfish though.

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She's human and can't necessarily help how she feels though. If she's early 40s she was presumably young when she had your partner, is he quite young still too? Perhaps she's disappointed he's had a child young as she knows what it's like, perhaps she still has a lot going on in her own life- not like she's retired and has all of the time in the world, maybe she's struggling with the menopause and this on top is hard to deal with. These aren't excuses, but he should talk to her if he wants to know, I know you said she's evasive but I'm sure he can find a way. I'm not sure how working Christmas day when he was young is overly relevant though.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 30/05/2023 12:09

Clearly there are other issues ? Was she against you 2 being together , Dow she differ from any mental illness ?

TonTonMacoute · 30/05/2023 12:13

Well, it sounds a very weird situation but only she knows what's behind it. It certainly doesn't make sense to anyone else.

If I was your DP I would have a meeting and see what happens. If she doesn't have a good reason for this strange request he can decide to not bother again.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 30/05/2023 12:16

Sorry but I'm thinking differently here. This woman gives her husband grief if he sees his grandson ffs... No health diagnosis justifies such appalling behaviour!!

Op - you come as a team. She either accepts that or she can bugger off and stay NC

Original poster

Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 12:17

Creamyoda · 30/05/2023 12:06

She's human and can't necessarily help how she feels though. If she's early 40s she was presumably young when she had your partner, is he quite young still too? Perhaps she's disappointed he's had a child young as she knows what it's like, perhaps she still has a lot going on in her own life- not like she's retired and has all of the time in the world, maybe she's struggling with the menopause and this on top is hard to deal with. These aren't excuses, but he should talk to her if he wants to know, I know you said she's evasive but I'm sure he can find a way. I'm not sure how working Christmas day when he was young is overly relevant though.

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My partners are the same age & are incredibly involved in our sons life & don’t use their age as an excuse to abandon their grandchild because they don’t ‘feel like it right now’ & I responded to someone who asked ‘what was MIL like with DP growing up? I said she put work before anything els, she would work Christmas Day, meaning she chose work over spending a traditional holiday with her kids, that’s what dp has told me used to bother him, dp & his brother used to get upset MIL wouldn’t spend Christmas with them.

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AlfietheSchnauzer · 30/05/2023 12:17

@JudgeRudy How exactly does her anxiety, agoraphobia or any other health diagnosis justify her giving her husband grief when he sees his own grandson????

Utter nonsense

Original poster

Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 12:19

AlfietheSchnauzer · 30/05/2023 12:16

Sorry but I'm thinking differently here. This woman gives her husband grief if he sees his grandson ffs... No health diagnosis justifies such appalling behaviour!!

Op - you come as a team. She either accepts that or she can bugger off and stay NC

Thank you, someone with sense. Just because she may not feel like seeing her grandson, doesn’t mean she has to ban her husband from seeing him too. It’s controlling behaviour. It’s giving ‘well if I’m not seeing them then your not seeing them either’.

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rainingsnoring · 30/05/2023 12:24

MintJulia · 30/05/2023 02:51

It could simply be she isn't a baby-lover and wants to spend an hour or two with her son. She doesn't have to be interested in her DGC, it isn't compulsory.

My dm was like that.

These sort of odd posts often crop up on this type of thread.

Would it be acceptable to say 'Sorry parents, I don't do old people. It isn't compulsory, you know' and just cut contact because your parents are old and frail/ repetitive/ slow/ demented?

Utterly bizarre. A grandparent might not be 'a natural' around toddlers but there is a balance between totally ignoring your GC and DS and offering full time childcare and overnight stays.

It's sounds as if the 'MIL' is a tricky woman and FIL is just trying to keep the peace and is enabling her poor behaviour. There is an outside chance that there is something serious going on in the background but it doesn't sound likely if she is going to the pub with friends.

Riri24 · 30/05/2023 12:27

I don't think its about your child. She obviously wants to talk to her son about something and it wouldn't be appropriate to have a small child there. Maybe something upsetting or serious or she just wants a heart to heart with no distractions? I would be ok with this.
It sounds like it's in everyone's best interests for them to have a conversation which will hopefully resolve any issues and lead to her seeing more of her grandchild in general.

GnomeDePlume · 30/05/2023 12:27

Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 12:17

My partners are the same age & are incredibly involved in our sons life & don’t use their age as an excuse to abandon their grandchild because they don’t ‘feel like it right now’ & I responded to someone who asked ‘what was MIL like with DP growing up? I said she put work before anything els, she would work Christmas Day, meaning she chose work over spending a traditional holiday with her kids, that’s what dp has told me used to bother him, dp & his brother used to get upset MIL wouldn’t spend Christmas with them.

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Sounds like she doesn't like being a parent let alone a grandparent.

I wonder if the friends at the pub are young and child free and this is the image she wants to portray.

Kerrylass · 30/05/2023 12:31

Reading your comments and am absolutely dumbfounded.

What the F&CK is wrong with this woman. She has a beautiful grandchild who lives streets away and she wont see them. Shes an asshole. How cold and cruel. Your poor DP having that for a mother. She is also being supported by her enabling husband.

She needs an ultimatum. Your DP should deliver it.

Also she aint the queen, you shouldnt need an appointment to see your mom. Id have DP calling regularly to her home, she has to be home sometime, until she coughs up what the problem is.

When she'll admit that she hates you and your child, your son can walk away. This bread crumbing BS needs to stop. Its manipulation and abusive.

You DP has his own family now. let her F.O.

oakleaffy · 30/05/2023 12:33

Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 12:19

Thank you, someone with sense. Just because she may not feel like seeing her grandson, doesn’t mean she has to ban her husband from seeing him too. It’s controlling behaviour. It’s giving ‘well if I’m not seeing them then your not seeing them either’.

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Urgh, she sounds like the sort of dysfunctional person one occasionally saw on Jeremy Kyle.
It was astounding how difficult and controlling some people could be.

@Grxcegrxxn your partner's mother sounds controlling , closed off and 'Difficult'.

Why should her husband have to sneak around to visit his own son and grandson's family?

It's not like he's having an affair, for goodness sakes.

Original poster

Grxcegrxxn · 30/05/2023 12:34

rainingsnoring · 30/05/2023 12:24

These sort of odd posts often crop up on this type of thread.

Would it be acceptable to say 'Sorry parents, I don't do old people. It isn't compulsory, you know' and just cut contact because your parents are old and frail/ repetitive/ slow/ demented?

Utterly bizarre. A grandparent might not be 'a natural' around toddlers but there is a balance between totally ignoring your GC and DS and offering full time childcare and overnight stays.

It's sounds as if the 'MIL' is a tricky woman and FIL is just trying to keep the peace and is enabling her poor behaviour. There is an outside chance that there is something serious going on in the background but it doesn't sound likely if she is going to the pub with friends.

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This!!! She’s one of those ‘got better things to do’ types like going to the pub or going on holidays & cruises. But can’t take 1 day out to visit her son & grandson. FIL is in the middle, doesn’t want to upset his son but also doesn’t want to upset her.

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CheeseAndOnionIsMyFav · 30/05/2023 12:35

Now your DP has tried to see her 1-2-1 and she wasn't there, I'd leave it to him what he wants to do next. Personally, I'd carry on with FIL visiting and invite them both to events if that's what DP wants, but not be bothered if MIL doesn't come. I wouldn't make any special effort with her.

Dumbo18 · 30/05/2023 12:35

I might be from a different planet but if it was me i'd say to brother let me know when mum is home and just go round and ask what's up.... this is Mumsnet so i know people dont like just turning up!

MintJulia · 30/05/2023 12:36

@rainingsnoring Sorry you find it bizarre. I suppose it is, a bit. My DM wasn't interested in any of her 9 dgcs. She wanted photos for the mantel piece and boasting rights if any of them achieved anything outstanding but otherwise regarded them as rather tiresome.

We could either rage against it or just accept that was the way she was. Is it so unusual? I can think of a few older women like that. A hang over from the 'seen but not heard' era maybe

oakleaffy · 30/05/2023 12:36

Riri24 · 30/05/2023 12:27

I don't think its about your child. She obviously wants to talk to her son about something and it wouldn't be appropriate to have a small child there. Maybe something upsetting or serious or she just wants a heart to heart with no distractions? I would be ok with this.
It sounds like it's in everyone's best interests for them to have a conversation which will hopefully resolve any issues and lead to her seeing more of her grandchild in general.

I don't sense this at all from what OP has written.

If there is a problem, it's a character problem, where the MIL can't communicate and is 'difficult'.

The fact that her own husband can't go to see his son and son's family in secret is quite frankly , appalling.

The woman sounds difficult.